"No!" cried Hiccup. "How terrible of her!"
Humungous nodded sadly. "Yes, I have never forgotten the words which Terrific Al repeated that day. They will remain with me as long as I live. And from that moment on, Hiccup, I vowed that I was through with Love."
"I don't blame you!" said Hiccup.
And then a truly awful thought struck Hiccup, a thought that had Hiccup's heart sinking within his chest like half a ruby heart's stone sinking to the bottom of a seabed.
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Suddenly he had a horrible feeling that he knew a way that this story might be going, a dreadful, snaking, corner coming up, a Twist in the Bardiguard's Tale.
"Um," asked Hiccup nervously, really, really not sure that he wanted to know the answer to this question, "what was the NAME of your ladylove, exactly?"
"My Ex-Ladylove," corrected Humungous. "The name of my Treacherous Ladylove was ...
... Valhallarama."
Valhallarama was Hiccup's mother.
[Image: A boy.]
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8. THE TWIST IN THE BARDIGUARD'S TALE
"No," whispered Hiccup. "It's not true ..."
"Yes," replied Humungous, sighing, "I'm afraid it is. And the story gets worse."
"How can it get worse?" asked Hiccup through white lips.
"Your father did manage to steal the Stone. He found it INSIDE the Volcano, which was why the Lava-Louts had never discovered it before, despite digging holes all over the island. But what Al told me was that the Fire-Stone released certain chemicals that kept the Volcano dormant. Without these chemicals, over the last fifteen years, the Volcano has become more and more active, until finally, RIGHT NOW, it is ready to blow."
Hiccup sat lost in thought.
While they were talking, the blackness at the window had turned to grey and then to turquoise, and the sun was coming up fast on what would be another roasting day.
"This Terrific Al of yours," asked Hiccup, "what is he doing now?"
"Well, he's gone a bit bananas, since you mention
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it," admitted Humungous. "But then the poor chap has had a difficult time of it."
Humungous returned to his Tale.
"Shortly after Terrific Al returned as a prison guard, and as the rumbles from the Volcano were growing louder and louder, the Exterminators did start to hatch. The Lava-Louts abandoned the island, and left us prisoners to fend for ourselves, and we too made a bolt for it. All except for Terrific Al. He's got this wild idea in his head that he's going to TRAIN these creatures. He's built these gigantic statues all over the island, and he seems to think that when the Exterminators hatch they will think that he is their Leader, and will do everything he says."
"And what is he going to do with the Exterminators once he's trained them?" asked Hiccup.
"Good Works, he says," replied Humungous, shaking his head in admiration. "He thinks he's going to stop them from killing everything in sight. Oh he's a lovely, lovely guy, that Terrific Al, even if he is as mad as loon. Well, I tried to persuade him to leave with me but he wouldn't. And that was when he asked me to do the favor that I had promised him all those many years ago."
'What was the favor?" asked Hiccup.
"To kill YOU," replied Humungously Hotshot.
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The Exterminator
Exterminator Dragons are a Rogue Species of Dragon that are exceptionally dangerous. A pack of Exterminators destroys an entire landscape by setting fire to it. They have large, sword-like talons, and two hearts. They k ill for the pleasure of it.
STATISTICS
COLORS. Shin that is slightly transparent so you can see their internal organs.
ARMED WITH: sword-talons, terrible fire ... 15
DEFENSES: See above ... 15
HUNTING ABILITY: Truly terrifying and efficient ... 20
SPEED: Fast ... 10
FEAR AND FIGHT FACTOR: ... 20
[Image: Crocodile head.]
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"He said you were this PRINCE OF DARKNESS, a Devil Child, who would grow up to bring untold evil on the Archipelago. He said you had fed him to this Monstrous Strangulator that made all his hair fall out... And thrown him out of a balloon into a sea full of Ravenous Sharkworms ..."
"That was all HIS fault!" protested Hiccup, who was beginning to put two and two together.
"But as I have gotten to know you, over the last couple of weeks, I have gradually begun to think that he must be mistaken about you," said Humungous. "I tried to kill you, but I kept on saving you at the last minute. At first I thought it must just be my Heroic Impulses kicking in, but then I realized -- I like you, Hiccup."
"Thank you," said Hiccup.
"And I'm not angry with you about what happened. I'm not even angry with her ... well, maybe just a little bit..." admitted Humungous, "and why she had to marry that barbarian, Stoick, I will never know..."
"That's my father you're talking about!" warned Hiccup, "and he has many excellent qualities, once you get to know him."
"Well, I hate to let good old Al down," said Humungous, "but you seem to me like a Good Egg,
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and I think that Al has just got off on the wrong foot with you."
"What does he LOOK like, this Terrific Al of yours?" asked Hiccup, already sure that he knew the answer.
"Fifteen years ago when I first met him he was extremely handsome," replied Humungous. "Tall, dark, took very good care of his moustache even in jail conditions. And he had all of his LIMBS at the time, which does help. Now... he's not so pretty. Bald, put a bit of weight on, a hook instead of a hand, a stump instead of a leg, a patch instead of an eye --"
"ALVIN THE TREACHEROUS, AS I LIVE AND BREATHE!" interrupted Hiccup. "You gave your ruby heart's stone to ALVIN THE TREACHEROUS!!!"
Alvin the Treacherous was Hiccup's arch-enemy, and the wickedest, most dangerous man in the Archipelago. Hiccup had assumed he was dead when he fell into the sea with those Sharkworms, but Alvin was a difficult man to kill.
This meant that Valhallarama was not the traitor that Humungous thought her. Alvin would NEVER have delivered that ruby heart's stone. He would have pocketed it himself, and then made up all those wicked
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lies that he told Humungous about her throwing it into the ocean.
"Alvin the Who?" asked Humungous blankly. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Alvin the Treacherous is the evilest man in the Archipelago," said Hiccup.
"Now, then, that's not fair. Al has got you wrong, Hiccup, but you must admit, who can blame him, what with the Sharkworm incident and everything," said Humungous. "I just know if you guys could get together you would really get along."
Hiccup sat thinking, wondering what he should do next.
"Now I understand why Old Wrinkly is sitting at the bottom of that hole," said Hiccup.
"Who is Old Wrinkly?" asked Humungous.
"Old Wrinkly is Valhallarama' father," said Hiccup, "and my grandfather. He must have been the one who set you the Impossible Task of finding the Fire-Stone."
"HA!" said Humungous bitterly. "This whole mess is his fault in the first place!"
"Well, he obviously feels that too," said Hiccup. "About a month or so ago, he started talking about some DOOM coming on all of us, and how it was all his fault
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because he had interfered with Fate. And then he said he was going to take a Vow of Silence and sit in a hole until the whole thing was over, for good or worse, so he couldn't interfere again.
"None of us took a lot of notice at the time," said Hiccup, "because Old Wrinkly can be a little eccentric, but suddenly it's all crystal clear. I'm going to go and get his advice. Which will be tricky, because he has taken a Vow of Silence, but I have to try." Hiccup woke up Toothless, put the sleepy little dragon on his shoulder, and turned to Humungous. 'Are you coming? You are still my Bardiguard."
Humungous blushed. "Are you sure you still want me to be your Bardiguard?"
"But of course," said Hiccup. "I think you are an excellent Bardiguard. Even when you were trying to kill me, you did a wonderful job of saving me from yourself. Will you shake hands?"
Humungously Hotshot's sad face lightened. He smiled.
They shook hands.
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Time is ticking my way
The Volcano is shaking me daily
One day it shall shake me
Right out of my shell and them I shall BLAZE FORTH with scorching red talons and then...
Flames shall lap like water
Down the moun tainsides
The trees will be crackling candles
Stroking the sky with fiery fingers
And I shall turn all the flowers and Small things
In to cinders and beautiful dust.
[Image: A ferocious animal.]
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9. HOW DO YOU TAKE ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS TAKEN A VOW OF SILENCE?
Old Wrinkly's hole was a dried-up old well about six feet wide and really quite deep. Hiccup had been visiting him every day anyway, bringing him food.
Hiccup carefully climbed down the ladder. It was quite a relief to get away from the clammy heat, and the further you went down, the cooler it became. His grandfather was already awake and smoking his pipe on a small stool.
"I must say," said Hiccup, as he sat down beside his grandfather, "you have been very lucky in the weather. Most summers this hole would be ankle deep in water and mud at this time of year." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "I just found out about Humungous ... and the Fire-Stone ... and the Volcano ... and everything that happened fifteen years ago."
His grandfather turned his face away from Hiccup's.
"Now, why would Alvin the Treacherous want to have me killed?" wondered Hiccup aloud. "He could
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just sit tight on Lava-Lout Island, waiting for the Volcano to explode. He must think I'm going to do something to spoil his plans ... but what CAN I do? I can't stop a volcano from exploding!"
Old Wrinkly stopped smoking for a second, picked up one of his books, and rifled through the pages. He stopped on one page and pointed with a bony finger.
THE RIDDLE OF LAVA-LOUT ISLAND, read Hiccup.
Through the open window came the clear sound of a bugle, calling all Vikings to a meeting of The Thing. A meeting at which no one was allowed to speak unless they were holding the Fire-Stone ... the very same Fire-Stone that Stoick the Vast had stolen from the Volcano in order to win the hand of Valhallarama the Mightily Beautiful, fifteen long years before.
"THE FIRE-STONE!" shouted Hiccup. "Maybe if we RETURN the Fire-Stone to the Volcano we can stop it from erupting! Don't worry, Grandpa," said Hiccup, "I'll make it all right."
And Hiccup climbed the ladder back up to the real world.
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The Riddle of Lava-Lout Island
[Image: The Riddle of Lave-Lout Island.]
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10. A MEETING OF THE THING
The Thing was a real step forward for the Viking Tribes.
It took place in a gigantic circular dip on the slopes of Huge Hill. Steps had been cut into the dip to make an enormous amphitheater, and heather grew on the steps, which normally made them springy and comfy to sit on, but unfortunately due to circumstances beyond the organizers' control, this heather had recently been burned to a cinder.
Everybody had to leave their weapons in a large heap before they entered the amphitheater, just in case discussions got heated.
There was Madguts the Murderous, deep in discussion with Mogadon the Meathead, and his son Thuggory Norbert the Nutjob, Chief of the Hysterics, fiddling nervously with his beard because he'd had to leave his axe outside so he didn't know what to do with his hands.
Grabbit the Grim was there, trying to hide from Big-Boobied Bertha because he'd rustled some of her reindeer a couple of months ago, and the sledgehammer fists and breathquenching breasts of Big-Boobied Bertha were the Terror of the Archipelago.
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There was Deadlydog Dullard getting into a fistfight with Megalugs Mountain because Megalugs had laughed at his rather bright yellow leggings.
And there was Camicazi, Big-Boobied Bertha's tiny, tangle-haired daughter, gently pouring Itchyworms into the back of Grabbit's trousers without him even noticing, in secret retaliation for the reindeer-rustling incident mentioned earlier.
All around and above were the Vikings' dragons, snapping at each other, shrieking, tripping people up by running through their legs, and having to be pulled apart by their owners as they got into dragon fights.
And right in the front row of this arguing, shouting, muscle-bound mess, sat Stoick the Vast, his chest puffed up with importance, swelling with pride and dignity.
Before him was a small plinth, and sitting on the plinth was the Fire-Stone.
And HE, Stoick the Vast, had stolen this Stone with his own fat hands, which made HIM the Big Man at this event.
The Thing couldn't take place without the Stone.
[Image: The Fire-Stone.]
You had to be holding the
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Stone in order to speak, so that everybody didn't all talk at once.
The Hairy Scary Librarian blew the bugle. He took the golden Fire-Stone in his ancient old hands.
"WOULD THE PLAYERS PLEASE TAKE THEIR PLACES ON THE FIELD!" he wheezed.
The finest Warriors from every Tribe strode forward, flexing their muscles.
The amphitheater exploded with noise as everybody sitting round about on the sooty seating yelled in support of their own Tribe. "GO MEATHEADS G0!" "KILL 'EM BASHEM-OIKS KILL 'EM!" "VISI-THUGS, VISI-THUGS, VISI-THUGS!" etc., etc., etc.
The Hairy Scary Librarian blew the bugle again and threw the Fire-Stone in the air.
All heck broke loose, with the Warriors on the field pushing and shoving each other out of the way to get underneath it, and the supporters on the benches shouting at the top of their lungs and barely able to control themselves from storming on to the pitch to join in.
Shortlegs of Glum had the slightly doubtful glory of catching the Stone.
And then both Shortlegs and the Fire-Stone
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disappeared into a yelling scrum of muscly arms and legs and tattooed fists.
Stoick the Vast waited casually some way away, hovering near the plinth, confident that his Warriors would pull it out of the bag for him.
And, sure enough, after a few minutes, the hand of Gobber the Belch emerged from out of the heaving mass, chucking the Stone toward the larger of the Vicious Twins, who threw a long pass to Stoick the Vast...
... who dodged out of the way of Mogadon the Meathead, belly-charged Madguts the Murderous, caught the Stone in one fat hand, and touched it down on the plinth.
"T0UCH-DOOOOOOOWN!!!!!!!!!!" yelled the happy Hooligans. "EVERYBODY QUIET! S TO-ICK! STO-ICK! STO-ICK!"
Now the Rules of the Thing said that everybody had to stay ABSOLUTELY STILL and silent while they listened to Stoick. The heaving mass of the scrum had to stay absolutely as they were, legs and arms not-so-lovingly intertwined, while Stoick had his say.
Stoick the Vast, holding the Stone, cleared his throat importantly and began to speak.
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"Friends, Enemies, and Fellow Barbarians!" bellowed Stoick the Vast. "We are all facing a Common Enemy today, an Enemy not seen in our Lands for hundreds and hundreds of years. These Extermi-whatsits are coming, and apparently there are a few of them. SHOULD WE FLEE LIKE THOSE COWARDLY BUNNY RABBITS THE LAVA-LOUTS?"
"NOOOOOOO!" bellowed the Vikings, drumming their feet on the incinerated heather, (You were allowed to reply, when asked a question.)
"Could you repeat that?" asked Shortlegs of Glum, from the very bottom of the scrum, for Grabbit's elbow was nestling in his ear-hole, and he couldn't hear a thing.
"I SAY WE FIGHT!" screamed Stoick the Vast. "ARE YOU WITH ME?"
"YAAAAAAAAY!" yelled everybody happily b
ack at him.
"ARE WE THE KIND OF PEOPLE TO LET A PIDDLY LITTLE THING LIKE A TINY VOLCANIC ERUPTION GET US DOWN?" asked Stoick the Vast at full volume.
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled back the Vikings.
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"YOU BET YOUR BARNACLES WE AREN'T!" yelled Stoick the Vast. "FOR WE ARE BARBARIANS, AND THE THING ABOUT BARBARIANS IS, WE NEVER SURRENDER! CAN YOU SING IT OUT FOR US BARBARIANS, GUYS?"
All the Vikings jumped to their feet and sang their hearts out, with Stoick conducting the chorus, the Stone held like a Bashyball in one fat hand only: "RULE BARBARIANS, BARBARIANS RULE THE WAVES... VI-KINGS NEVER EVER EVER SHALL BE SLAVES..."
Hiccup and Humungous had arrived at The Thing just after the second bugle had sounded, and Humungous was watching the proceedings with his mouth gently open.
Here was a version of democracy that he had never even dreamed of.
"OK," whispered Hiccup, "my father's minute is nearly up. I want you to go and hover near the plinth, Humungous, and get ready to touch-down the Stone ..."
"Righty-ho," said Humungous, elegantly flexing his humungous biceps. This looked like his sort of game. Hiccup sidled up to Camicazi, who was cheering on the Bog-Burglars.
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Camicazi was a friend of his, despite the fact that she belonged to another Tribe.
"Camicazi, can you do me a favor, and sneak into the scrum and pinch the Stone for me next time they blow the bugle?" Hiccup asked.
"But you're on a different side!" exclaimed Camicazi in surprise.
"Oh, I'm not playing for the Hooligans," explained Hiccup. "I've formed my own Team."
How to Twist a Dragon's Tale (Hiccup) Page 6