Rainy Days

by Victoria Zagar

  “Michael, what’s going on? Are you saying you don’t love me any more?”

  “I don’t fucking know! Maybe I never loved you. Maybe this whole thing was a lie.”

  Michelle started to cry. “I’m so sick of this mid-life crisisof yours! If you want to leave, then just go ahead and leave! See what joy you have being alone! Then you’ll have all the time in the world to realize how empty watching sick movies is! You could be happy raising your daughter, but all you want to do is bitch and gripe about the things you don’t have! The glass is always half-empty with you! I’m so sick of it!” She grabbed a plate and threw it at Michael, hitting him square in the chest. The plate shattered, the fragments falling to the floor like rain. He rounded on Michelle, pushing her up against the wall and pinning her wrists.

  “Go ahead!” Michelle said. “Keep having your little pity party about how shitty your life is! Go ahead and hit me! That’ll make it all better!”

  Michael was shaking, ready to hit Michelle when he thought about Ash suddenly. The tender moments they had shared came back to him and he pulled himself away, letting Michelle go. He found he was shaking, his hands quivering like water in an earthquake.

  “I think you had better leave.” Michelle’s voice was low, filled with emotion. “Stay at a motel for tonight. I don’t want you here.”

  Michael could feel the pain in his chest where the plate had hit, as well as a stabbing pain in his windpipe where his emotions where choking him. “I’m sorry,” he gasped.

  “I don’t want to hear it. Just go. Get out.”

  Sirens sounded outside and there was a knock on the door. Michael opened the door to see several police officers standing there.

  “We’ve received reports of a domestic incident here,” a uniformed police officer said.

  “I was just leaving. There won’t be any more trouble.”

  “Ma’am?” The police officer looked at Michelle searchingly. She shook her head.

  “Just a misunderstanding,” she said. “Just let it go.” The police officers backed off as Michael got into his car and drove away.

  Ash was watching a movie when the police scanner sprang to life. He’d bought it to ease the silence in the apartment, and to have something to listen to when he was bored.

  “We’re receiving reports of a domestic incident at twenty-one Broad Street,” a voice said. “Neighbors are reporting loud voices and the sound of breaking glass.”

  “Christ.” Ash said out loud as he paused the movie. Michael, what the hell are you doing? Perhaps I should go over there... No. I’ll just make it worse. I’m the last person you need to see right now.

  “We’re on the scene,” a cop said. “The male is leaving the scene, and has agreed to stay at a motel. The wife is not pressing any charges and appears to be uninjured.”

  “Stand down,” the dispatcher said. “Make sure the male leaves the scene.”

  “He has left the scene, over,” the cop said. “Standing down.”

  Ash let out a long sigh. I feel powerless right now. There’s nothing I can do to help you, Michael. Nothing at all. You have to figure this out on your own. He went to the fridge and picked up a pack of beer, feeling the sudden urge to get drunk. He changed the movie in the player and started to drink, chain smoking to ease his nerves. He laid down on the sofa, extinguishing his cigarettes in a beer bottle as he downed another beer. The sad movie played, the black and white actors crying as Ash’s mind drifted to Michael. He’s all alone in some motel room. I wish I could go to him but I can’t. The tears started to roll down his face, the alcohol letting his inhibitions down as the man in the movie held his dying mistress.

  “Please don’t leave me, Maggie.” the man in the movie cried. Ash wiped his eyes, reaching for the beer bottle and taking another swig as fresh tears sprang forth. His phone sat on the end table. I’m here if you need me, Michael. All you have to do is reach out to me and I’ll catch you. No matter what you’ve done, I still love you.

  Michael sat on the edge of his motel room bed, his head in his hands. I’ve screwed it all up, he thought. I pushed Ash away because I listened to that stupid counselor. I almost hit Michelle. Taryn must have heard the whole thing. What kind of a father am I? Maybe Michelle’s right. Maybe this is just a mid-life crisis. Some guys buy fast cars and marry trophy wives. I fell in love with a gay ex-porn star. He lit a cigarette, breathing in the smoke as his nerves stabilized.

  If I go back to Ash, I’ll eventually lose Michelle and Taryn. If I go back to Michelle and Taryn and forget Ash, I’ll eventually self-destruct under the weight of my own sorrow. What kind of choices are those? He pulled off his shirt and looked at the purple bruise that was swelling underneath his skin. I wanted her to hurt me. It felt good to hurt on the outside like I hurt on the inside. It’s what I deserve. I’m a bad husband and a terrible father. I’m not even a good lover. I’ve let everybody down.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Drowning

  Ash opened his eyes, jerked awake by the sound of the wind as it blew the balcony door open. He felt the buzz of alcohol in his veins as he rubbed his eyes. The rain continued to beat down, a steady dripping sound coming in from outside as the water leaked down from the balcony above. I can’t leave him out there alone. I know it’s a weakness on my part, but I have to find him. He may not be texting me but I know he needs me right now. He let out a long breath and carefully found his feet, pulling on his leather jacket awkwardly and grabbing his keys.

  He must be staying at the Roadside Inn, or the Motel Grand. I should try those first. He took the elevator to the ground floor and walked out into the rain. He was soaked before he even made it past the block. The Motel Grand was just beyond his street and he made his way up to the little office and asked a smoking secretary about Michael.

  “Michael Williams... Nope,” the lady said. “Sorry. Try the Roadside Inn, I guess.”

  “Thanks,” Ash said, dejected. He walked to the Roadside Inn, the water dripping from his clothes, his discomfort growing. He saw a figure standing in the rain and broke into a run.

  Michael stepped out into the rain, letting it soak his clothes through. The cold rain felt good, pricks of cold punishment on his skin as he started to shiver. He lit another cigarette, his hair soaking to his scalp as he contemplated a future of empty days.

  He looked up to see a figure running through the rain. His long dark hair was soaked, a leather jacket hung awkwardly off one good arm, and the other was covered with a white cast and sling. Ash? No way. It couldn’t be. I treated him like dirt. Why would he come to me now?

  The figure ran closer and Michael dropped his cigarette. It fell into a puddle and extinguished itself as the dark, wet figure emerged from the rain and took Michael into an awkward one-armed embrace. Michael’s hands found Ash’s face and pulled him into a deep, needy, passionate kiss as the rain fell on them both. He tasted like cigarettes and alcohol. They only parted for breath and then continued. They eventually broke the kiss, knowing they needed to talk.

  “Come inside,” Michael said, opening the door. They hurried inside and shut it behind them. “You’ll get wet.”

  “Little late for that,” Ash stripped off his jacket and awkwardly shed his soaking wet clothes, letting them fall to the ground in a heap.

  “How did you know I was here?” Michael asked, stripping off his own clothes.

  “The police scanner,” Ash said. “Told me everything I needed to know. I know I should have stayed away. But I couldn’t keep my distance while you were in pain.”

  “I’ve screwed everything up,” Michael said, closing the distance between them. “I almost hit Michelle. I was just so angry. I’m so sorry about everything I said to you. I didn’t mean any of it. I...” Ash cut him off with a kiss, drawing their naked bodies together with his good arm. Michael melted into him, the cold water dripping from Ash’s hair a stark contrast to the heat of his kiss.

  “Come on,” Ash said. “We should warm up with a shower.
” He led Michael to the bathroom and turned on the faucet, untying the sling and stumbling into the shower. His cast got wet, and he seemed not to care.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “A little,” Ash admitted, pinning Michael to the shower wall. “I had to override all those good reasons I had for not coming here.” He kissed Michael again and Michael’s hands roamed his body, straying down to his cock. Ash moaned and bit Michael’s shoulder, and Michael gasped. Ash turned off the water and they climbed out, Michael tossing him a towel. Ash dried himself and stood at the doorway, trying to right himself as the alcohol went to his head. Michael supported him and they made their way to the bed wordlessly, Ash stopping and rummaging through his pockets for the lube.

  Finding it, they headed to the bed. Ash pushed Michael down one-handedly onto the sheets and ravaged his body with brutal, hungry kisses. A fire burned in his blue eyes and Michael didn’t fight him as Ash slipped a lubricated finger inside him, pressing his cock inside soon after. He seemed to thrust almost angrily, grunting as he stuck his tongue down Michael’s throat. Michael was hard as a rock, his pains forgotten as Ash drove into him, desperate and hungry. I’ve never seen this side of you, Michael thought. I’ve never seen you so desperate and drunk. We’re both as fucked up as each other. Ash came inside him with a cry, jerking Michael off until he came as well.

  They both gasped for hungry breaths as they came down. Ash awkwardly rolled onto his side, broken arm resting on top. Michael slipped his arm around Ash. “Oh God, I’ve missed you,” he whispered, like a holy prayer. “I love you so fucking much.” Ash grunted, half asleep. Oh well, there’ll be time for us to talk in the morning, Michael thought. He fell asleep soothed by Ash’s closeness.

  Ash woke to the harsh dawn light. His head hurt and he nursed it as he looked over at Michael’s sleeping form. He drank in the sight of his naked body before gently easing himself off the bed. His clothes were damp as he picked them up off the floor, but he ignored the protestations of his body and put them on. He took a look back at Michael as he laced his boots.

  I wish I could stay, he thought, but I have to look out for myself now, Michael. I can’t let myself become embroiled in this thing again. I came here last night because we needed each other. It was good to hear you say you were sorry, but it’s not enough. I can’t let myself get hurt again. He thought about leaving a note but there was no paper on the table and so he just slipped away into the daylight, gently closing the motel room door behind him.

  Michael woke a few hours later, the sun shining brightly through the windows. He reached for Ash but found only an empty spot. He opened his eyes, looked around and then saw that Ash’s clothes were gone. He left me here alone. I guess I can’t blame him. After what I did to him it’s amazing he came back at all. He sighed and got up, showering and then putting his damp clothes back on. I guess I have to go home and face the music. Michelle deserves an apology, and I have to make it up to Taryn somehow. Where do I go from here? Will I fall into the same old patterns again? I need Ash in my life, but I need Taryn as well. What the hell am I supposed to do?

  He checked out of the motel and drove home, calmly parking the car. He tried to forget the feeling of Ash’s hands on his body as he opened the screen door of his house and walked inside. Michelle was in the kitchen and he wandered in. The broken plate was gone and the kitchen was clean.

  “I’m sorry,” Michael said, but the words felt empty to him as he said them.

  “Are you?” Michelle said. “You can’t keep doing this, Michael. You have to make up your mind what you want.”

  I know that more than you do, Michael thought. Taryn hurried into the kitchen.

  “Daddy, you’re home!” Taryn said. “You’re not still mad, are you?”

  “No, of course not, honey. I’m so sorry.” He scooped her up in his arms and hugged her before putting her down. “I’m late for work. I have to go.”

  “Will you be back for dinner?”

  “Yeah,”

  “Okay, then.” Michelle said. Michael left, driving to work. He picked up his phone and looked for messages but there were none. What are we doing, Ash? Is this a thing or not? He sighed as he pulled into his work parking lot.

  Ash sighed as he opened his apartment door. Home sweet home, he thought. Welcome back to the fortress of solitude. He opened the fridge and found nothing there. The calendar was circled, marking three days until his cast was removed. I should arrange a taxi to get to the hospital. I can’t ask Michael for a ride. That wouldn’t end well for me. He changed into dry clothes and headed into the kitchen.

  He drummed his fingers on the counter as he threw a TV dinner from the freezer into the microwave and watched it cook. I should just damn well ask him. I don’t have the sixty dollars or so a taxi would cost. He owes me this one thing, right? Getting a ride to the hospital doesn’t mean we have to start a full-blown affair again.

  He picked up his phone, sighed, then tossed it back onto the counter. I can’t ask Michael. I ran out on him. He’s probably angry at me. The TV news blared in the background.

  “The river has reached red threat level. If the banks burst, the whole lower side of the city will be flooded,” a news reporter said, standing by the river. “Record levels of rain have caused a situation that may soon lead to evacuations.”

  Evacuations. I don’t know what I would do if he left town, if his house got flooded and he moved away. Ash sighed as he pulled the dinner from the microwave and sat down. I’m pathetic, clinging to this ridiculous hope that he’ll come back, even now. He scooped up the dinner with a fork and put the empty plastic tray aside. He reached for a cigarette to find his pack was empty. Damn. I really need a smoke right now.

  He grabbed his jacket and headed out, the elevator slowly descending to the parking lot. He walked along the long road until he reached the gas station, heading inside. He remembered the day Michael had helped him. He paid the cashier and headed out to find it was drizzling. More rain. Does it ever end?

  As he trudged along the road, the drizzle turned to heavier rain. Great, just what I wanted. More wet clothes. Ash sighed as the cars sped by. No chance of a ride. I’ll just have to get wet. He trudged along the grass verge, his boots gathering another layer of mud, his hair hanging down the sides of his face, delivering cold water droplets onto his nose. He wiped it away and the water made him blind for a second. The horn startled him and he opened his eyes to see Michael’s car pulling off to the side of the road.

  I left him alone. Why would he want to give me a ride? Shouldn’t he be at work? Ash opened the car door.

  “Get in,” Michael said. “Please. I want to talk to you. Work let out early. I was so glad to see you walking along the road.”

  “Okay.” Ash felt his resolve disappear and climbed in, closing the door.

  “You left early this morning.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you... I just...”

  “It’s okay,” Michael said. “I deserved it. Hell, after the way I treated you, I deserved never to see you again, let alone spend the night with you. Thank you for coming to find me last night.”

  “It was good to see you again,” Ash said. “The honest truth was that I sought you out for selfish reasons.”

  “You deserve to be selfish. I’ve given you nothing.”

  “That’s not true,” Ash said. “You just have other commitments. I know why you broke up with me. I get it. It’s not because you don’t love me. It’s because of Taryn, and Michelle, and all the things you believe you should want.”

  “You don’t think I should want a family?”

  “I think you should want to be happy,” Ash said. “We all live stupidly short lives. We could die today, or tomorrow, or the day after. I think we’re entitled to some happiness in that time.”

  Michael smiled. “I always feel like you’ve got my back,” he said. “Even when you shouldn’t. I appreciate that.” He pulled into the Tower Heights parking garage and they just sa
t there, neither of them moving until eventually Michael moved in for a kiss. Ash returned the kiss with passion and desire until he finally withdrew.

  “I can’t get back into this...” Ash sighed. “Nothing’s changed. You still have your family. We still have no future. I can’t let myself get hurt again. I need to think.” He opened the car door, getting out. Michael followed before Ash could disappear.

  “When will I see you again?” Michael asked. “Ash, I need you in my life.”

  Ash softened, walking around the car to stand close to Michael. I could take him up to my apartment right now and we could just carry on where we left off like nothing happened. I would like nothing better, but... I can’t. I have to stand up for myself. Otherwise he’ll come and go and break my heart whenever he feels like it.

  “In three days I get my cast removed. I need a ride to the hospital. Would you take me?” Ash asked. “I’ll give you back your money, and we can talk then. When I’ve had a chance to clear my head.”

  “Okay. I’ll be here.”

  “Thanks,” Ash said. He called the elevator and headed upstairs. Michael climbed back into his car, his butterflies raging as he drove home. All I can think about is what if he doesn’t want me back? I can’t stand the thought. He sighed and lit a cigarette. I deserve this fear and pain. I hurt him. It’s amazing he even wants to look at me. Guilty thoughts swam into his head as he thought about Taryn and Michelle. I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t get into this again, but I lied. I need Ash like I need oxygen and water, and I’m not going to hold back any more, or spend my days beating myself up over it. Ash is the one I want, and damn it if I’m not going to win his heart back somehow.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The Compromise

  Ash woke and turned off the alarm. It’s Friday, he realized with a jolt of fear and excitement. Michael will be here soon to pick me up. I still don’t know what to say to him. He rolled out of bed and headed to the shower, washing himself clean in the warm water. I’ll be glad to be rid of this cast, he thought. It’ll be nice to shower unhindered, and to hold him in my embrace with both arms. He sighed and turned off the water, drying himself as his phone beeped.