Degrees of Control

by Eve Dangerfield

  James frowned. “Jesus Christ, is that what I am?”

  “Not yet. You just gotta make sure you don’t end up that way.”

  “Is that even possible?”

  “It’s better than your current plan of drinking yourself blind and whining to your dyke sister.”

  James laughed. “Fine, I’ll try to change. Nothing can hurt worse than this.”

  Kelsey stared at him. “You really love this girl?”

  He nodded, throat tight.

  “Well, you try and change her mind, Jamie, but if she decides it’s not good enough? That you had your chance and you blew it? You have to accept that. Don’t say you love her and get bitter if she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend.”

  “I know.”

  Kelsey was right, Charlotte deserved to be happy, even if it was without him. No matter how much it tore at him to imagine her going out into the world to find a better lover, he had to let her go.

  His sister patted him on the back. “If it doesn’t work with this girl, there’ll be others. You know that, right?”

  James nodded but he didn’t believe it. Everyone knew lightning didn’t strike in the same place twice.

  They stared out into the night sky for a while. He felt like someone had put a layer of plastic wrap over his chest. He was aching but it was better than being so exposed. He looked up at the Big Dipper and thought about her smile.

  Whatever it takes, I’ll show her that what we have works.

  A thought occurred to him. “What do people do when they don’t drink?”

  Kelsey rested her head on his shoulder. “Hell if I know. Ask your girl.”

  Chapter 22

  If Charlie drank one more cup of tea, she was going to turn into a cup of tea. That’s what Tess would say if she could see the extent of her moping. But Tess was in Australia, where Charlie had apparently left all her good sense.

  She was an idiot. A fool. A moron. Despite everyone’s best intentions, including her own, Charlotte Bell, Miss-Least-Likely-to-Ever-Successfully-Negotiate-a-Fling fell in love.

  By the time she got home from James’ house, she had already cried enough to drown. For weeks she’d been feeding her listless heart with sex, and without even the illusion to look forward to, everything hit her at full force. She howled for so long Belinda awoke from her inebriated slumber and got worried enough to call her friends. Hayley showed up within the hour and together they talked through the sorry affair.

  “You know this is for the best,” Hayley said, pouring her a millionth cup of Earl Grey. “James is messed up. It might take him years to get his shit together. No matter what you feel for each other, no matter how much dirty sex you have, it won’t work.”

  Hayley was right. Objectively she’d gotten exactly what she wanted from James, an up close and personal experience of rough, reckless sex. Now she had to accept it was over. When she first met James he had seemed superhuman, untouchable and intimidating. Now he was flesh and bone and she’d fallen for him hard and fast, deeper than anyone before him. But James wasn’t some ruggedly flawed man she could save with kindness.

  So she curled up with Hayley, watched movies and sobbed a little. The next day she unplugged her sinuses, forced her ass out of bed and went to work. That was the shitty thing about breakups, life went on and the pain followed. No flowers came, no apologies, no vegan curry. She called Trevor and told him she wasn’t going to take a date to Sophia’s wedding. He was a great guy but she’d rather go alone than exploit someone she wasn’t interested in. Days trickled by and still the ache in Charlie’s chest pounded on. She was like a hypersensitive organism, tender and at constant risk of infection. As with Dale, she waited for the sensation to dissipate but nothing happened. She’d put together a few pieces of a puzzle or read a couple of pages of a book, then find herself reaching for her coat and aimlessly wandering the streets. She saw him everywhere. Every man under the age of seventy became a potential candidate for James. It was all very pathetic. Or as Hayley pointed out, “understandably pathetic.”

  A few weeks after she left James’s house, a gorgeous blond guy caught her eye in one of her Monday night yoga classes.

  See, there you go, Bell, you’re getting back on the old dating horse. Just because he’s basically a clone of James doesn’t mean…What the shit?

  At first Charlie didn’t trust her eyes but as her visual cortex kept filtering in more data, the square jaw and surfer-boy haircut, she literally did a double take.

  You need to drink some water, Bell, because there’s no way in hell James is here. Maybe Dale found a skin-mask or something…

  But she wasn’t dehydrated and it wasn’t Dale, it was him, the man of her every waking thought wearing shorts and an Aerosmith T-shirt sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat in the back left corner of her yoga class. Charlie was torn between two powerful emotions. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and she wanted to karate-kick him in the face. Why had he come here now? She’d been skulking around with a sackful of garbage for a heart all month. She was just starting to laugh at jokes again. She was maybe going to consider making Pad Thai. He couldn’t just waltz in here and mess that all up. Could he? James smiled at her and Charlie’s stomach did a loop-the-loop. She was transported back to Sophia’s staircase, looking at him from afar, only this time his expression wasn’t one of disaffected arrogance, it was warm and wide as a summer sky.

  What the absolute shit is going on?

  But there was no time to deliberate, all eyes were on her and she needed to stop gaping like a blowfish and do her job. Charlie took her place at the front of the room and smiled at the sixteen women, three men and one James seated before her.

  “Hey, everyone, I’m Charlie and I’ll be leading you in this class tonight. For old hands, we’ll be continuing our work on enhancing the flexibility of the spinal column. For all newbies, please don’t push yourselves too hard. You might be tempted to keep up with everyone else but that’s not what yoga is about and you’ll be risking an injury.”

  Like the injury you get from falling in love with troubled Southern men who have commitment issues that all your friends warned you about…

  Refusing to look anywhere near James, Charlie forced herself to smile again.

  “If you can’t tell by my accent, I am Australian. If you can’t understand something I say I’m happy to repeat myself but know that Crocodile Dundee witticisms will not be tolerated.” As always the joke got a small laugh. She could hear James chuckle and wanted to flee from the room. “Okay, if there aren’t any questions, can everyone please lie on their backs with their palms turned up to the ceiling. Let’s begin.”

  When Charlie first started teaching yoga it had alarmed her to give orders and see others obey. She kept waiting for someone to shout, “This woman has no idea what she’s talking about!” With James in her class, the feeling returned tenfold. He’d seen her in so many intimate positions, but somehow this felt more personal. This was her life, her joy and her future and he was in it, following her instructions.

  She could feel his eyes on her skin as if his gaze had all the heat of a Broadway spotlight. Whenever she so much as glanced in his direction, he was staring straight at her with something very un-studious in his eyes. It made her stomach squirm. She avoiding looking at him for most of the class but during the forward bends, she couldn’t really help herself. To her surprise, he was quite good, much more flexible than most guys his age and strong enough to handle his own weight well. He made the poses look masculine and effortless. She wasn’t the only one who noticed. Her entire class was even more giggly than usual and all the women kept looking at the back left corner.

  Figures.

  James could do anything and girls would pant after him; croquet, badminton, close-up magic, but combine his devastating looks with yoga prowess and Charlie might as well hand him a cookbook and a newborn puppy and be done with it.

  Maybe his next girlfriend will be someone he meets here. A singer like Ma
ry-Beth or a journalist like Eden. Maybe you broke through his barrier and now he’s all primed and ready for a real relationship.

  The thought hurt too and she brushed it aside and went on with her class. During the final meditation she felt a strange pressure caressing her skin and opened her eyes a fraction to see him staring straight at her, his hazel eyes more intense than ever. James smiled and Charlie felt herself blush to the roots of her hair.

  Oh my God, we had sex in this room. We had unprotected sex on the carpet where Mrs. Wilson is sitting. Why have I not remembered that until now?

  She gave the final mantra and dismissed the class. She let her usual students swamp her with questions, figuring if he wanted to talk to her he’d stay. Once all the people had filtered out of the room she looked over to see him still seated on his mat, chatting to the older woman beside him. Heart in her throat, she approached. “Hey, James.”

  His smiled almost liquefied her entire body. “Hey, Charlotte.”

  What are you doing here? “Thanks for coming, you’re a natural.”

  James smiled. “Been practicing. Didn’t want to show up here all incompetent.” He gestured to the tall woman beside him. “Charlotte, this is my sister Kelsey.”

  For a moment Charlie feared James’ sister had come to kick her ass, but realized no one had to sit through an entire yoga class to do that. Kelsey smiled at her, she and her brother looked remarkably alike.

  “How do you do, Charlotte? James has told me plenty about you.”

  Charlie accepted her hand, it was big and work-worn. “All good things, I hope?”

  Good things, Bell? Like your rape fantasies and telling her brother he was an emotional basket case? Things like that?

  “Better than good.” Kelsey clambered to her feet. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna call Debbie, tell her she was wrong about me being able to hold up my own body weight.”

  “You did very well today. You have excellent upper body strength.”

  “Yeah, I wouldn’t go that far.” Kelsey’s wry look was so reminiscent of James Charlie had the sudden urge to hug her and tell her she could do anything if she tried. Kelsey swaggered out to the reception area and it was herself and James standing in the room where they’d once made love.

  “How have you been?” she asked, feeling as bashful as the night they’d met.

  James smiled. “Good, staying out of trouble. What about yourself?”

  I walk around a lot and I think about you all the time and three days ago I made a gingerbread dough that wouldn’t roll out properly so I cried. “I’ve been good too.”

  James smiled and her heart started leaping around her chest. So much for her space, so much for her self-control.

  Okay, so I’m a complete sucker for him. I’ve always been a sucker for him.

  “I’m glad I made it to one of your classes. You can tell you love it.” His hazel eyes were soft.

  “Really?” She thought it had been one of her weaker lessons. God knows, she’d been distracted as hell.

  James nodded. “It’s all over your face. The way you move…It’s beautiful.”

  Charlie felt herself flush. She didn’t know what to say.

  James leaned in closer, but not as though he wanted to kiss her. It was like he wanted her to see every single part of him.

  “Is it okay if I keep coming to your classes? I brought Kelsey today so you wouldn’t think I’m stalking you but I’m happy to keep coming on my own. If you’re happy to see me?”

  Charlie knew what he was really asking; was he allowed to reintroduce himself into her life? Uncertainty stung in her chest. Did people ever really change? But he wasn’t asking for a date or a screw or a ring, James was extending an olive branch and Charlie wanted to accept it. She wanted to see him more than she’d ever wanted anything. “Sure.”

  James grinned. “Cool, would you like to go get a coffee?”

  Charlie’s heart ached. “Maybe next time? I have to wipe down the mats.”

  James smiled his beautiful smile. “Sure thing, Charlotte. Whatever you want. I’ll see you soon.”

  He turned and strode away, the winged logo on the back of his T-shirt stretched thin between his broad shoulders.

  Charlie wiped down the mats slowly, trying to process everything when Holly came rushing into the empty classroom. “That blond cowboy god, that’s your man, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “Vegan lunch guy. The man you’ve been pouting over for weeks? He’s the hot guy who just did your class.”

  “I haven’t been pouting…”

  Holly gaped at her. “So it is true? Charlotte how dare you?”

  Charlie raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

  “He’s fucking, goddamn, fucking gorgeous.”

  “You said fucking twice.”

  Holly’s eyes narrowed. “That guy has all the stay-at-home moms in a fucking frenzy.”

  “So?”

  “So you need to go out there and fuck him right now, Charlie. For all of us.”

  “Holly, I’m cleaning the mats.”

  “Fuck the mats!” Holly shouted, kicking one for good measure.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “You’re completely insane,” Holly snapped and stomped away.

  Charlie went back to work.

  That week James came to another two of her classes. His Adonis-like form was a source of growing intrigue to the studio’s female population. There were even whispers of installing a secret camera in the men’s change room. Charlie told James that and he laughed. “So long as the footage finds its way into a certain yoga teacher’s hands I don’t mind.”

  After the second class they went to Ruby’s for coffee. They talked about work and yoga and his niece and nephew. Charlie told him about her roommate’s escapades and how excited her family was about her coming home. They didn’t talk about that night in his room and Charlie didn’t push him about it. She had the sense he was biding his time, trying to show her a side of himself she didn’t see when they were sleeping together.

  Eventually their coffees became lunches. Once they went for a walk together. He never pushed her for sex, or even a kiss, although on their last meeting, he had brought her hand to his mouth, like a prince in a fairytale. Charlie soaked everything up like a sunflower, hoping at the very least she and James could part on good terms.

  Not that his gentlemanly behavior stopped her from touching herself like crazy. Almost every night she put on the lingerie he’d bought her and rubbed her pussy until the material was soaking wet. The man in her fantasies was always him, always. She resigned herself to the memories.

  Chapter 23

  Three weeks from Sophia’s wedding Charlie caught the bus to her friend’s estate for a picnic. Sophia insisted they needed to make the most of their last few weeks together, which for her meant activities. She, Jordan and Sophia were planning to visit Melbourne next summer and Charlie was already slightly worried about the day trips she would be forced to endure. She rapped on the white and silver door, and when she discovered it was unlocked, stepped inside. “Soph, I’m here! Let’s make like a tree and branch out a bit—Oh.”

  Sophia and James were standing side by side at the entrance.

  “Uh, hey, James…what’s going on here?”

  Sophia smiled tersely. “My cousin will be accompanying you to the lake, Charlie. I’m sorry for the ruse but he has something he wants to talk to you about and he was too much of a pussy to ask you himself.”

  Charlie blinked at the pair of them. “Don’t say pussy like it’s a bad thing. Also, what?”

  James shot Sophia a dirty look. “You don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to, Charlotte.”

  He tucked his hands into his pockets and rocked backwards and forwards like a teenager trying to ask a girl to the movies.

  “Uh—sure, I’d love to go on a surprise picnic with you, James.”

  “Then I’ll leave the both of you to it.” Sophi
a stepped forward and kissed Charlie on the cheek. “Text me and let me know how everything goes.”

  How the hell had James gotten her to agree to this? Sophia didn’t know the details of their break-up but she wasn’t an idiot, and Charlie couldn’t imagine her helping him unless James came to her on his knees with a homemade pie and a “you’re better than me” badge.

  Would he have done that for a chance to go on a weird picnic with me?

  James led her out into the driveway and toward a dusty-looking pickup.

  “What happened to your transformer?” Charlie asked, looking about for the huge black truck.

  “Sold it.” James held the passenger door open for her. “This is my sister’s old Ford, it’s a piece of shit but it runs fine.”

  Charlie would have to take his word for it, she knew exactly nothing about cars. She could admit this one was easier to get into. After a short drive they reached the Lake of Isles. The day was gray and cold and barely anyone was around. Charlie hoped she wouldn’t have to eat a prepared lunch, she was so nervous she was sure nothing would go down. They made their way toward the water when James directed her onto a weather-beaten park bench. They sat down and stared out at the lake.

  “Pretty,” Charlie offered and got a curt nod in response.

  She could feel him working up to what he needed to say, but as the minutes passed in silence, she wondered if she’d have to step up and ask him herself, when he finally spoke.

  “So not long until you’re heading home, huh?”

  Charlie ran her shoe across the dirt at their feet. “Yep, I’ve booked my flight. I’m leaving twelve days after the wedding. I’ve got a job lined up and one of my friends asked me to help with a six-week program for teenagers. It’d be pro bono for now, but its good experience.”

  “That’s great.” James seemed to physically push forth his next question. “Where will you be staying? Once you’re back in Australia?”