by Kate McLay
Okay, now Alyssa knew that she was being ridiculous. There would be enough time to plan before Hannah left, but the sick feeling in her stomach wouldn't go away. She didn't know whether she was brave enough to follow Hannah. What would her family think? She'd only just started to feel comfortable enough about being with Hannah in this world away from home. Could she build on that in a different place? She’d need to think about it later.
A minor emergency had sent half of the office into a tizzy and Martha had been stomping through the halls all day. She'd stolen a second to peek into Alyssa's office and leave a note asking Alyssa to come see her, but then Martha had been pulled into meetings and they kept missing each other. Alyssa knew that if it was truly important, Martha could send her an email. Otherwise she was sure it could wait until the next day.
Luckily, she hadn't been caught in the emergency and was able to leave on time. Before stepping out leaving, she went down to Martha's office to see if she was available, but she wasn't there. Alyssa shrugged and left.
The dinner was being held at a nice restaurant near the lakeshore. They were at the top of one of the tall buildings that dotted the Gold Coast. Alyssa was afraid that she'd feel out of place in her inexpensive clothing, but no one seemed to notice or care.
The attendees weren't what she'd expected, though she immediately realized the error of her assumptions. Of course this wasn't going to be a shindig full of debutantes. Many of the people being feted tonight fully embraced the label 'alternative,' and she saw mohawks and tattoos aplenty.
Martha's wife, Lily, found her when she was standing in the lobby, surreptitiously trying to figure out where to go. Lily's smile was wide and genuine. "I'm so glad you could make it. Martha will be psyched."
"It's a big night for her," Alyssa agreed.
"She was so excited that you could make it. I know that she's nervous." Lily led Alyssa down a hallway to a large dining room that had been set up for the awards. There was a podium in the center of one wall and over a dozen circular tables set up, each able to seat about ten people.
"How many people are coming to this thing?" Alyssa hadn't realized that it would be such a crowded dinner. It was bigger than her sister Sarah's wedding!
Lily shook her head, "I'm not sure." She gestured for Alyssa to take a seat beside her. "They're doing the awards before dinner and they're holding Martha captive until after she gives her speech." She leveled her eyes at Alyssa, "So were you surprised when she told you? Happy?"
Alyssa furrowed her brows, "Sure, I'm happy for her. It's great to get recognized. She works really hard." She hoped that Hannah would get here soon. She and Lily didn't know each other and they could only talk about Martha for so long.
"I'm not talking about..." Lily trailed off. "Did she get to talk to you? She was..."
She stopped talking Alyssa shook her head. "Nope, things got a bit crazy. Was it some—" she was cut off by her phone ringing. "Sorry," she said to Lily when she pulled it out to answer it. The caller ID told her it was Hannah. "What's up?" she asked.
"I am so sorry to do this to you," Hannah started, the sound of traffic loud around her. "But Ado said his boss needs to speak with me tonight or the deal might get called off. Please don't hate me!"
Alyssa took a deep breath and tried to school her expression. She wasn't mad even though her heart was beating rapidly. She wasn't panicking despite the sweat that had popped up on her palms. Nope, perfectly fine and normal. "Of course I don't hate you," she said. "Good luck. Tell me everything when you get home."
The kissy noises that Hannah made before she hung up almost made Alyssa feel better, but they didn't quite do the trick. The Dallas deal was happening. Hannah might not think it was a sure thing, but Alyssa knew otherwise. If that record company was competent at all, they'd pick her up before anyone else could. And if they didn't, this was only a minor delay. Someone else would recognize her talent before everything was said and done.
She shoved her phone into her bag and forced a smile. She wasn't going to freak out in front of a crowd of strangers.
"Is everything alright with your roommate?" Lily asked. "Martha said she'd be joining you."
Alyssa took a deep breath, "She's my girlfriend, actually." The words were so mundane, but it still felt exhilarating to say them. And no one gasped in shock, the ground didn't open up and swallow her. Nothing horrible happened. What a shock.
Even Lily didn't grasp the gravity of that, she merely nodded. They lapsed into polite small-talk and greeted the other men and women who joined them at their table. After twenty minutes of commenting about the weather, a short man in a dapper dark green suit walked up to the podium and welcomed everyone to the dinner.
He talked about the history of the organization and the purpose of the awards, but his comments were brief. There were to be a total of three awards presented that night and each presenter was supposed to give a ten minute speech.
Alyssa's stomach growled and she hoped that they spoke quickly.
The first two honorees granted that wish, thanking those they were close to and giving a little background while pictures from their lives were projected onto the wall behind them.
Martha was the last to come to the podium. She came out into the room from a side door. She wore a red dress with sequins around the collar and skirt. Lily sat up in her seat when she caught sight of her wife.
When Martha stood behind the podium, the pictures on the wall changed. The first one looked familiar. Alyssa leaned forward trying to get a better look. It was a photo of an older building in the middle of a town square. And she could have sworn it was the courthouse of her own hometown.
"I don't like to tell the whole sad story," Martha began. "And I know that I'm luckier than so many people. So here's the short version. Until I went to college, I hated having my picture taken." The photo behind her shifted, this time showing a placid park. Alyssa recognized the swing-set in the background. She'd played on it as a child.
"Every picture I looked at of me felt like a lie. Like so many people in my hometown, my family was religious and conservative. They barely believed that gay people existed. Gender nonconformity beggared belief." She looked up with a wry smile, but Alyssa couldn't return it, not with the suspicion she had growing in the pit of her stomach. A few people in the audience laughed politely.
"I didn't leave home under the best of circumstances. But it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. My first year of college I was able to be myself in ways I never knew possible. I met my future wife, and I found another love. The internet." Now she had the audience and they laughed along with her.
But Alyssa didn't hear a word she said. Not with the confusion roiling in her gut. Another picture flicked by and this one showed her how blind she had been. A small girl with pigtails was climbing the monkey bars on the playground while a slightly older girl was below her, arms held high, ready to catch her if she let go.
It was a picture of Alyssa and her sister Sarah when Alyssa had been about five. She couldn't remember that exact day, but she had no doubt who had taken the picture. She looked back at Martha with new eyes. From this distance it wasn't possible to tell how much she looked like Johnny.
But it did explain the connection between them.
"Why didn't she tell me?" she whispered.
Lily reached over and put a hand on her shoulder. "She's been trying for weeks. If you can't take it, just leave now." Her voice was harsh. "I'm not going to let your family hurt her anymore."
"Hurt?" Alyssa asked, shocked. "I'm not going to hurt her."
The dinner guests started clapping as Martha finished her speech and took her plaque. She smiled and shook hands with people she knew as she made her way back to the table. When she got there, the smile slipped off her face when she looked at Alyssa. "I'm so, so sorry."
But Alyssa wasn't going to take that apology. She got up and walked around the table until she was right next to Martha. From the looks of it, Martha expec
ted a slap. Instead, Alyssa opened her arms wide and pulled Martha, her sister, close. "Hey, sis," she said. "Any other family secrets to share?"
Martha gave a feeble laugh before clutching her arms around her and holding her close. By the time they let go of each other, they were both crying.
Chapter Twenty
The night went a lot longer than intended. Once they started, she and Martha couldn't stop talking. Lily insisted that they either talk to the other guests or leave the party, so the three of them had left, adjourning to Martha and Lily's condo. Lily had turned in, leaving the two sisters alone. And the conversation hadn't quit. Alyssa still couldn't believe it. The sibling she'd thought she'd lost had come home. After a fashion.
When she got back to her own apartment, she had the strangest urge to call her mother and ask her what the heck she'd been thinking to cast out her own child. But she quickly decided against that. Martha wouldn't appreciate it. She'd told Alyssa that she'd made peace with the past ages ago. She didn't want old scars turned into fresh wounds.
It was past midnight and Alyssa had work in the morning. She already knew she'd be dragging herself out of bed in the early hours, so she quickly got ready to turn down for the night and stepped into Hannah's room to snuggle beside her while she slept. Hannah was already asleep, but she flung an arm over her as Alyssa curled up under the covers.
Given the excitement of the night, she expected to have trouble falling asleep. Instead, she was unconscious in minutes.
Hannah was gone by the time she woke up, though she'd left a note on the bedside table: Let's talk tonight, I've got news. XOXOXO
News. Dallas.
Alyssa reached for her phone to see if Hannah had texted her any additional information, but her phone was dead. She's forgotten to charge it before she went to sleep. Whether that was a blessing or a curse, she didn't know. She got out of bed and hunted down her charger and plugged the phone in before going to make some breakfast.
Thirty minutes later she was rushing out the door to get to work and she made it all the way to her train before she realized that she'd left her phone plugged in on the counter. Darn it, she thought. But there was no use going back for it now. She'd be at least a half hour late and she had a meeting that she couldn't miss.
Alyssa was able to push thoughts of Dallas out of her mind for most of the day. Martha wasn't at the office which proved helpful. She was beyond pleased to find out about the sister that she never knew she had, but if she spent too much time thinking about it she was sure that she'd end up upset with her mother. She'd been robbed of a sibling for most of her life, and Martha had been robbed of her family.
What kind of people kicked their kid out like that?
Martha had given her the whole story last night. Their mother hadn't kicked her out because she was gay. Instead she wasn't able to handle the fact that Martha was Martha, not Johnny. After college, Martha had made an attempt to mend fences, but their mother had cut her off, saying that she only had the two daughters God had given her.
Alyssa smacked her desk and jumped a bit at the sudden noise. Now she was mad. Martha may have had years to come to terms with the injustice of it all, but it was a hard pill for Alyssa to swallow.
Around lunchtime she absentmindedly reached for her phone before remembering that it was sitting on the counter at home. She really hoped that Hannah hadn't texted, she didn't want her girlfriend to think that she was avoiding her.
The day dragged by and Alyssa called it quits about fifteen minutes early. She couldn't force herself to stay for even one more second. On the bright side, it was Friday. She had the whole weekend ahead of her.
The commute home was crowded, but uneventful. Before Alyssa opened the door to her apartment, she took a deep breath. Hannah should have been home and if she was, they were going to talk about what the future held.
Alyssa hadn't made up her mind. Two days ago, she was almost ready to quit and start on a new adventure. Now she was scared that if she left she'd lose the potential to become closer to Martha. She'd just found a new member of her family. Could she abandon her so quickly?
Standing in the chilly spring air wouldn't solve anything. Alyssa pushed the door open and went inside. She heard the TV in the living room and knew that Hannah was home.
She was sitting on the couch and wearing an old black tank top, one strap almost falling off of her shoulder. When she heard the door close behind Alyssa, she turned around and her face lit up, a smile spreading from cheek to cheek.
So this was love.
She smiled back, but her heart hurt. She loved Hannah, was in love with Hannah. The emotion filled her to the brim, almost bringing tears to her eyes. She could feel the little plastic bracelet on her wrist. She hadn't even considered taking it off before she left for work.
Alyssa dropped her bag right by the door and crossed the room in four steps, not bothering to take off her shoes or coat. She leaned over Hannah, cupping her cheek with her palm and tilting her face up for a kiss. Overcome, Hannah stood and clutched her close. Alyssa threw her arm around Hannah's waist, unwilling to let even an inch of space between them.
This kiss was not sweet, not when it contained every shred of emotion that Alyssa had been too scared to say. She had to put it all out there, had to make it known through her deeds that she couldn't stand to be without Hannah, whatever that meant. There was a storm of emotion inside her, a tidal wave threatening to crash against the shore.
Let it come.
She was so caught up in the embrace that she almost didn't hear the door close. But Hannah jumped a little which clued Alyssa in. She pulled back and glanced over. When she saw who stood there, the color drained out of her face.
"This was not the sight I expected when I got here," her mother said, arms crossed. "But I can't say I'm surprised, given the company you've been keeping."
Chapter Twenty-One
Kim Barnes looked very good for a woman of sixty. She would have said that the Lord had blessed her, though Alyssa knew it was a carefully planned diet and makeup routine that helped. Right now, Mrs. Barnes looked like she'd swallowed a hive of wasps.
Alyssa let go of Hannah and took a big step back. It was too little, too late. Her mother had clearly been standing there for some time. "Hannah," she said, trying to break the awkward silence that was growing between the three of them, "This is my mom." Hannah waved weakly and tried to discreetly move the strap that had fallen off of her shoulder back into place. "Mom," Alyssa said, swallowing hard, "This is my roo—" no, she would not lie. "This is my girlfriend, Hannah."
They could have heard a pin drop, despite the fact that the apartment sat in the middle of one of the busiest cities in America.
It seemed that her mother didn't have a response to that. "What are you doing here, Mom?" Alyssa asked.
Mrs. Barnes pursed her lips and tapped one finger against her other arm, she hadn't uncrossed her arms. "I've been trying to get a hold of you all day."
"So you drove 200 miles to come see me?" She'd never thought her mother would go that far.
Hannah was leaning back on her heels, trying to make herself as small as possible. Alyssa wanted to tell her that she could hide in her room, but she couldn't, not with her mom standing in front of them like an angry school teacher.
"If you weren't busy doing... this," she spat the word, the implication clear, "Perhaps you would have remembered that I planned to visit while I was meeting friends in the city."
"Oh." Was that really this weekend? Alyssa had been so worried about Hannah and Martha that she'd forgotten. Her mother had never brought it up again, but they hadn’t spoken about the visit in months.
"And when I saw that picture on Facebook," Mrs. Barnes continued, "I knew that I couldn't get here a moment sooner. Someone needs to save you from yourself, Alyssa."
She ignored that last bit and focused on the first. "What picture?" She barely went on Facebook and the last picture she remembered posting was of a seagull with a
particularly large piece of bread. It wasn't anything for her mother to be worried about. "I haven't been on it in a few days."
"Then explain this." Mrs. Barnes finally uncrossed her arms and stepped into the apartment. She placed her purse on the counter and dug around for her phone. It took another minute for her to find the offending picture and thrust her phone at Alyssa like it was a rapier.
Alyssa looked and knew exactly what her mother would find offensive. Lily had tagged Alyssa in a photo of her and Martha taken last night. The caption said: Sisters again!
"Did you know who Martha was when I came here?" Alyssa asked, voice strained.
Mrs. Barnes snatched her phone back, "Of course not. Do you think I'd let you work for someone like—"
"She's my sister, Mom. Your daughter!"
"Wait, what?" asked Hannah. She'd missed out on the excitement the night before.
Alyssa shot her a look that she hoped promise to explain everything later.
"Are you going to disown me because I'm gay?" she demanded. "What happens if one of my nieces or nephews isn't straight? Or if one of them is trans? Do you just cut anyone off who you doesn't fit into your worldview?"
"That's not..." Mrs. Barnes began and then stopped, clicking her mouth shut. She started again, "You don't understand, Aly, I just want what's best for all of my children. Even when they don't know what is best for themselves. How about you and I go and get some dinner and talk about this? I know you've made some mistakes, but I'm sure you just need a little time to get your head on str—right."
It seemed like such a little request. Just one dinner. But Kim Barnes knew her children well. She knew exactly which insecurity to poke, which knife to turn. Alyssa knew that if she went with her, she'd come back feeling horrible and guilty for loving Hannah.
She would be damned before she let anyone do that to her.