by Anna Brooks
“You won’t be pushing my head away later tonight when it’s down there.”
“Your daughter is right here,” I whisper-shout at his sexual implication.
“She doesn’t know what I’m saying yet.” He sits up. “And she’s ours, Amie. Our daughter. Not mine. Ours.”
Instead of answering him, I just nod. The emotion clogs my throat at the fact that I really could have a daughter. A family. A happy life.
* * *
Declan
I push the stroller through the zoo, and Amie walks next to me with her hand tucked into my back pocket. We stop at the monkeys, and Clover’s eyes widen, her gummy smile making us both laugh. Amie lets go of me to pick Clover up, and they walk over closer to the cage.
I take a picture with my phone and sit back to watch them together. Amie is just as excited about the monkeys as Clover is, and it makes a lump form in my throat at the beauty of it all. My two girls. My loves.
Knowing Amie would be a good mom and actually seeing it firsthand is something of a miracle. She’s a natural, and Clover just loves her. She’s a good baby, but her face lights up when she’s around Amie. Maybe she just knows, or maybe she can sense how I feel about her. Either way, I feel like I won the damn love lottery.
“What do you want to go see next?” Amie baby talks to Clover. “Should we see if we can find a tiger? Maybe a bear? What about a giraffe?”
Clover kicks when she says giraffe, so Amie takes that as a cue we should go there next. I follow behind them and can’t even be mad that I’m being ignored.
“Hey, Declan.” My old friend who was on the wrestling team with me, Collin, says as he walks up to us. “Holy shit, man. You’re back, huh?”
We shake hands and do the whole back pat thing. “Yeah. I am.”
“Amie, how are ya?”
“Good. Thanks.”
“Christ, it’s good to see ya. How have you been?”
“Good,” I answer. “Glad to be home.”
“You guys had a baby? I didn’t even know you were back together.”
Just as I’m about to answer, two kids come running up to him screaming at each other. “He took my quarter.”
“No, I didn’t. You dropped it.”
“Did not!”
“Did too!”
Collin laughs. “Well, it’s been fun guys, but I’ve gotta deal with these rugrats.”
“Good seeing you man.” I give him a wave as he walks away.
“Yeah, you too.”
He takes off with his kids, and I look down at Amie. “I’m glad we have a girl. Not sure I’d wanna deal with all that energy.”
“Girls can be pretty rambunctious. But then again, when you have a boy, you only have to worry about the one penis, and with a little girl, you’ve gotta worry about all the other ones.”
“No. Hell no. I’m not thinking about that shit yet. She’s not dating. Ever.” My blood boils at the thought of my baby girl growing up and… and dating.
“Oh, yeah. She’ll get a period, too. And she’ll have mood swings. And she’ll cry when she gets her heart broken. She’ll cry when her friends are mean to her. She’ll cry when she can’t get what she wants.” Amie’s lips tilt up; she’s enjoying this way too much.
“So you’re saying I have tears, blood, and fighting off little assholes to look forward to?”
“Pretty much. But you also get to look forward to when she runs to you when she gets hurt. Father-daughter dances. Her crying on your shoulder. Her trusting you and knowing you’d do anything for her to make her happy and safe. Giving her away at her wedding, dancing with her at her wedding. Being her rock. Being the first man she ever loves.”
“Yeah.” I take Clover from Amie’s arms, press a kiss to her head, and then hold her tight. “I hope I don’t fuck it all up.”
“You won’t.”
“Glad you’re confident about it.”
“I am. Because you’re the absolute best man I know, and you make me feel loved, protected, and cherished. I can’t imagine how much of that she already feels.”
We spend a few hours at the zoo and then decide to go grab an early dinner.
Amie scoots into the booth first, then I slide in, and we situate Clover’s high chair at the end. The waitress comes by and takes our order, and as we’re waiting for our food, Amie holds out her phone. “Selfie!”
I smile as best I can, and the person at the table next to us comes into my view. “Would you like me to take one?”
“Sure.” Amie hands her phone over. “It’s her first time out at a restaurant.”
“How cute.” The woman smiles.
“Say cheese.”
We reply in unison, and when Amie looks at the picture, she thanks the woman.
“You’re welcome. You guys are an adorable family. She looks just like you.” She nods at Amie, and I watch in horror as her face pales.
“Oh, she’s not mine. I think she looks like her dad.”
“Umm, oh well, yes, I can see that for sure, too. Have a good dinner.” Yeah, I don’t blame her for scurrying away.
As soon as she’s out of ear shot, I lean closer to Amie. “What the fuck was that?”
“What?” Amie sips on her soda, and I grab the glass and slam it down. “She’s not mine,” I mock her.
She ignores me and reaches for her soda, but I grab her hand and run my thumb along the top. “Don’t. Do not fucking sit here and do this. She’s just as much yours as she is mine. You’re the woman she’s going to grow up admiring. You’re the one who’s gonna teach her about boys and periods. You’re the one who’ll be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. She might not have your blood, but she’s your daughter, and if I haven’t made that clear yet, I hope to fuck you understand it now ’cause I don’t ever want to hear you say that shit ever again.”
“What did she look like?”
I shake my head in anger. “What?”
“Her mom—”
“You’re her mom.”
She waves me off. “You know what I mean.”
“I don’t remember.” Amie doesn’t need to worry about picturing what that bitch looked like, because she’d sit there and compare herself to her all the time. And honestly, I hardly remember.
When the waitress sets her food down, and before Amie eats, she takes a breath. “I’m sorry. It caught me off guard. I’m barely used to us being together again, and I reacted badly. I’d be honored and humbled to be considered Clover’s mother.”
“Good.”
My anger fades as we eat, and I actually put myself in her situation. I don’t know how I would react if I knew some other dude shot his load up her to make a baby and then expected me to call him my son. I can’t imagine how hard it is for her, but I’m not going to let her dwell on it. She needs to know where she stands. She needs to know that this is us, this is real, and this is forever.
Chapter 20
Amie
MY EYES ARE HEAVY as I hear the turn of my doorknob. Dec slides under my covers and pulls me against him, just as he has every night for the past two weeks. His hands rub against my body, my thigh, my arm, my stomach. The warmth of his breath hits my neck as he kisses the top of my shoulder.
The cool tips of his fingers glide up my ribcage and taunt the underside of my heavy breasts. I’ve always loved his infatuation with them. He could just play with them for what seemed like hours… like a kid in a damn candy store.
I jump when he sits up and pulls my pajama shorts off. His eager hands push at his sweats, and before I know it, he’s lying back down behind me and lifting my leg. “Want you, honey,” he pants in my ear, and taps the tip of his hard cock against my opening.
My legs widen on their own, needing to feel him again. “Then take me.”
His fingertips anchor my upper leg as he slides in. This angle is so deep, and I gasp when he thrusts all the way.
“You good?”
“Yeah.”
Slowly, he pulls out and then pu
mps back in. My eyes blur as time passes, each plunge seemingly hitting me even deeper than the last. These moments together manage to flash at the speed of light, and freeze time all at once. Our bodies connect on more than just a physical level; it’s intrinsic and eternal. From deep within me, my body tightens… It strangles against itself as I fight to drag the pleasure out.
The steady pumping of his hips is like a roller coaster ride, building higher and higher, and I know that when I reach the peak, it’s going to be a bolt of electricity that jostles every nerve in my body.
“Let go,” he whispers.
I peak at the top and scream as the rush hits me. His hands tighten, and he moans against my neck, thrusting faster until he shakes and then stills behind me.
My leg drops, and he rubs my aching thigh while our heart rates return to normal. “I’m not sorry I woke you.”
I giggle and grab his arm to pull around me. “Me either.”
“Love you, Mimi.”
“I love you, too.”
* * *
When the sun comes up, I open my eyes and find him watching me. “Why are you staring at me?”
“’Cause you’re beautiful, and I haven’t gotten to for far too long.”
“Hmm.” I snuggle into the pillow and readjust the covers. “Hey?”
“Hey, what?”
“Why don’t you sleep in your bed?”
He presses his body against mine and nips at my shoulder. “You don’t like me sleeping with you?”
“Of course, I do. I was only wondering why you haven’t moved this bed back into your room yet.” I love sleeping with him, but everything of his is in his room, plus it has the attached bath.
“My bed is in my room.” His lips soothe over the area he just bit. “I want to be with you.”
“What do you mean?”
He sighs and sits up, leaning his back on the headboard. “I mean that is my bed. This is the guest bed.” He points at the one we’re sitting on.
“Why do you have such a small bed?”
He tosses the covers off and pulls on a pair of athletic shorts. “I’m going to check on Clover.”
“Declan.”
With his back to me, he stops at the door. “It was too hard being alone at night in a big bed. I got sick of reaching for someone who was never there.”
My heart breaks for my stupidity once again, and I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to move past the guilt or if he’ll ever stop holding it against me.
“Why are you walking away from me?” I chase him down the hallway to his room.
“’Cause this isn’t something we need to discuss.”
“I think it is if you’re still upset about it.”
He pulls on a black t-shirt and then starts to brush his teeth in his bathroom. Ugh, he’s such a jerk sometimes.
“What’s the big deal?”
The water shuts off, and he throws his toothbrush on the counter. “Drop it.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Why is the size bed you slept in—” It dawns on me what he’s trying to avoid. “Or rather didn’t sleep in…”
“Just let it go, honey, okay?”
I close the door and cross my arms. “No, we’re doing this.”
His sigh is one of irritation, and he copies my stance. “Fine.”
“Why do you think I care?”
“Because I know you, and you’ll act like you don’t care, but deep down, you care, and you’ll use it as a way to push me away when it’s convenient for you.”
His assessment of me is so far from true. “I made you think I cheated on you. I expected you to sleep with other people.”
“Okay.”
I squint my eyes at him. “What are you hiding?”
“Nothing.” He starts to walk, but I put my arms out to hold him back.
“No. Not nothing. Why are you acting so weird about this?” I don’t understand what his problem is right now. I know that he slept around; I expected it. Hell, I wanted him to move on.
“It’s embarrassing, okay? I’m a grown man who sleeps in the same size bed I had when I was a kid.” He talks to me, but he doesn’t look at me.
He’s lying. “Declan.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ya know, you say that you know me, you think you know how I’ll react to whatever it is you’re trying to hide.” Even though I know what it is, because I do know him. He doesn’t want to admit that he fucked around a lot. He’s embarrassed about it or feels guilty about it or something. I need to reassure him he has nothing to be ashamed of. “But don’t forget I know you. And just because you don’t want to tell me what’s really bothering you, doesn’t mean you won’t eventually. You should ask yourself if you want it to come out now or later.”
My temper gets the better of me because I hate that I’ve put us in this fucking situation. Again, it all comes back to me. I walk out of his room and slam my door when I get back to my room… the guest room. I don’t even know what the hell this room is called anymore. If he plans for me to live here, he hasn’t asked me; he hasn’t said to bring my stuff into his walk-in closet. I am living here. I feel like I’m living here, but he hasn’t actually asked me, so it doesn’t feel official.
Before he can come and try to talk to me, I grab my clothes and lock the bathroom door, and then take a really long, hot shower. By the time I get out, I hear him in the kitchen with Daisy. I head down and pick up the dog when she jumps on my legs, and then kiss her fluffy head before I put her down.
“Where are you going?”
“It’s Sunday. I’m going to brunch with my parents.”
He curses under his breath. “Shit, I forgot about that.”
“Why, do you have to go to work? I thought you and Clover were going to come with me.” My parents wanted to have a chance to talk to him since it’s been so long that they’ve had a normal conversation, so I figured this was perfect.
“Yeah, just from like noon to eight. Sorry. I totally forgot.”
I look at my watch. “I could cancel or bring her with.”
“No, go. She just went down, and I don’t want to wake her. I’m sure Mom and Dad can watch her. If not, I can try Char.”
“Fine,” I snap, still mad about what he won’t talk about. “I’ll see you guys later tonight then.”
As I’m walking through the front door, he grabs my arm. “Don’t walk away from me all pissy.”
I pause my steps and turn to him. “I’m not pissy.” I smile so big my cheeks hurt.
The corners of his lips tilt up slightly. “Don’t try to be cute and distract me, either.”
“I’m going to be late.”
“They’ll wait.”
“Why? There’s nothing to talk about. You wanted to drop it, remember?” I throw his words back in his face.
“I want you to tell me why the fuck you’re mad at me.” He raises his voice at the end as if I’m being absurd.
I sigh and run my fingers through my unruly hair that I didn’t bother taking the time to do. “I’m not mad. I just don’t get why you’re being so weird about the bed thing.”
He looks in the house to check on things and then closes the door. “Can’t you just respect the fact that I don’t want to talk about it?”
When I told him I wasn’t mad, I was telling the truth. He has his reasons, and that’s fine. But now, he’s starting to piss me off. “Yeah. Fine.”
“Ugh, don’t give me that tone, woman.”
“What tone?”
“That high-pitched, short, sarcastic tone that really means you’re going to hold a grudge.”
“You were on my ass to tell you everything. Remember? And I did! Now we’re what, are we living together? Dating? Roommates who fuck? Are we even exclusive?”
“Don’t even try it.”
“Try what?”
“To say stupid shit that’s gonna piss me off. You know we’re exclusive, and you know we’re more than roommates who fu
ck. We’re far past dating, and you know it as well as I do. I’m sorry if I didn’t officially invite you to live with me, but consider this my invitation. I want you with us, Amie. You know that.”
“Fine, I accept.”
He rolls his eyes, and I fight a smile.
“Since we’re officially living together, why can’t you tell me what the big deal about the bed thing is? You made me tell you everything.”
“I was on your ass to tell me everything because you were hiding something.”
“And you’re hiding something now!”
“I am not.”
“How many?”
His eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”
“How many women, Declan? How many nights did you sleep in someone else’s bed and hold them? How many times did you pretend it was me? How many nights did you fuck someone else—”
“It’s kind of personal. I’m not doing this.” He opens the door and begins to walk inside.
“You’re such a pussy.”
He stops and turns around, slams the door then stalks to me. “What did you just say?”
“I said”—I lean closer to him—“you’re such a pussy.”
“A lot. So many I lost track. Probably hundreds. I stuck my dick in hundreds of women. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
I swallow and refuse to let his words hurt me. I knew this was what he was hiding, but just because I expected it doesn’t mean that deep down it doesn’t burn. It’s my fault. He’d never have been with anyone other than me if I hadn’t told him I cheated on him. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it. I deserve this.
“But you’re wrong about one thing. I never held them and pretended they were you, because nobody could fucking replace you. Ya know what I did after I had emotionless, meaningless sex with them?” He continues before I get a chance to answer. “I left them, and I went home alone to my twin-size bed and slept by myself and fucking dreamed about you. Because it’s always been you, and no amount of pussy could ever change that.”
He takes a step back, breathing heavily. “Happy now?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Unbelievable.”