by Anna Brooks
The door slamming makes me jump, and I pull my keys from my purse and drive to the restaurant to meet my parents.
I wanted him to admit that to me. With what Nik said a while ago, I wanted Declan to get that off his chest and clear the air between us. Since my parents chose the same place right by the pub, I plan to stop in there when we’re done eating to apologize to him. I don’t like us fighting. Although it was not really a fight.
My parents greet me when I meet them at the table, and I find myself distracted the entire time. I have a couple of mimosas, and after we’re done, I walk to the pub next door. Dec isn’t at the bar, and I head straight to the bathroom. After I finish up, I open the door and almost hit a lady.
“Sorry,” I tell her.
“It’s oka— Amie?”
“Yeah…” It takes a second to put a name with the face. “Oh my God, Stephanie?”
“Yes, hi.”
We give each other a hug and scoot to the side when someone else goes inside the bathroom.
“How are you?” she asks. “I haven’t seen you in a while. I heard about Larry. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“Thanks. Yeah, I’m so glad he finally got caught.”
“Me too.”
“Is your father still the pastor?”
“Yes.” She smiles at the thought. Stephanie was always very religious and a very kind and sweet girl. She had a group of friends that went to her church, and she was dating a different pastor’s son.
“Are you and Joseph still together?”
She holds up her ring finger on her left hand. “Since we were eighteen.”
“Wow. Congratulations.”
“Thank you. Are you, umm…?”
“Declan and I are back together.”
“I heard. That’s great. I’m so happy for you guys. After what we did, I was so embarrassed and ashamed and afraid you’d never forgive me. Listen, I know we never talked about it, and it was such a long time ago, but I just want to apologize again for what happened with Declan.”
“What do you mean?”
When the other woman walks out of the bathroom, Stephanie waits until she’s out of earshot. “When we slept together, it was a huge mistake. I was contemplating my faith, and he insisted you guys were broken up. I’ve gotten forgiveness from Joseph for my sin, but I never got the chance to tell you how truly sorry I am.”
My stomach hollows and the champagne bubbles in my stomach. “When we were broken up.” I swallow the bile in my throat. “The summer before senior year.”
“Yes. He told me that he confessed to you.”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it. I’ve gotta go.”
“Amie.”
“It’s fine. I forgive you.”
I run out of the pub and skid to a stop in front of my car. My hands shake as I push the button to unlock the door, and I accidentally set the alarm off. The blaring noise echoes, and I finally shut it off then get in my car. With the keys in the ignition, I fall against the steering wheel and turn into a blubbering, sobbing mess. My chest burns every time I hiccup, and tears fall onto my lap, soaking my cotton pants.
Finally able to compose myself, I turn the key and drive back to his place. When I get inside, I go to the guest room, pull out my suitcases, and pack them. I have several hours before Dec comes home, so I decide to drive my things over to my parents’ place and unpack there. To make my decision more final.
They don’t ask questions but give me looks of sadness and smiles of support. I arrive back at Declan’s house at seven and take the dog outside.
I stand over Clover’s empty crib and run my fingers along the white wood. The pink blankets are messy, so I fold them and then hold one up to my face and cry into it. How can I love a little baby so much already? I don’t want to leave her, but I won’t be good to anybody if my head isn’t on straight. Babies can sense tension, and I don’t want to cause her an ounce of unhappiness.
When eight rolls around, I head back inside and sit on his bed. The pillow smells like him, and I hold it in my lap. My fingers strum along the gray cotton, and when the door downstairs creaks open, I pinch the corner of the pillow, my nerves increasing as the seconds go by.
His deep voice soothes Clover, and I listen as he sets her in her crib. When he steps foot in his room and sees me, he ceases movement as his eyes dart over me.
“Hey,” he says, but it’s really more of a question.
“Hi.”
“What are you doing in here?”
“I ran into Stephanie Stonebrook today.”
“Okay.”
“Is there something you want to tell me?”
He swallows and the dark shadow that passes over his features is all I need.
Chapter 21
Declan
“AMIE.” I CAN’T EVEN bring myself to look at her. I’m such a fucking asshole. Yeah, I slept with Stephanie Stonebrook, but Amie and I were broken up. I never cheated on her. I thought the love of my life despised me. The night she ran out on me was so confusing… so damn frustrating. We were horny and all over each other. Smiling and in love one minute, and then the next minute, I had my head between her thighs and she laughed at me—laughed at me—then ran out of my house crying and saying she didn’t want to see me again.
“You lied to me.”
“Yeah,” I grunt.
“You had sex with her while we were broken up for the weekend. The one time we broke up over two years, and you slept with someone else. You lied to me about being the only one. About being your first.”
I finally lift my head to face her. Her unshed tears fucking gut me. “I was—”
“No, stop. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Okay.”
“I’m leaving.”
That makes me angry. “No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I’m not running. I’m leaving. We need space.”
I raise my voice to let her know that’s not happening. “We need the opposite of space. We’ve had nothing but space for far too long.”
“I can’t fucking think right now. I’m entitled to have some feelings about this.” She raises her voice just as much.
“There’s nothing to feel anything about. It was stupid; I was drunk. You broke up with me. I thought you were done with me and—”
“I said I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to hear your excuses. It’s not even that you slept with her, Declan, it’s that you fucking lied to me. You told me it was only me. Only ever me. You told me I was your first. What we shared was supposed to be fucking sacred, and you just tainted one of the most beautiful memories of my life.”
“You were my first; to me, you were the only one who ever fucking mattered. But you lied to me, too. You’re not innocent either here.”
“Don’t even.” She shakes her head and lowers her voice. “Don’t even fucking compare the two. If all you’re ever going to do is throw shit in my face, then maybe I really should leave.”
I scrub my hands over my face. “No, you’re right. I’m sorry. I won’t.”
Jesus, it was such a long time ago. Yeah, I know I’m a dick. I know I lied to her, but it was so fucking stupid. Stephanie was with a guy who wouldn’t have sex until marriage, and she wanted to know what it was like. I was a stupid horny teenager who was heartbroken because his girlfriend broke up with him. So we did it. In the back of my car. It was awkward and stupid, and I don’t even think about it. I didn’t even come.
“You were and are the only one who’s ever mattered. I’m sorry. I would have never betrayed you, but you broke up with me and—”
“Because I was fucking scared. We were so young, and I had such strong feelings for you. I was scared, Declan. We were back together on Sunday night. It took you one fucking day. One day to screw someone else!”
“I know, okay? I was fucking scared, too. I loved you, and you just broke up with me out of the blue… As I was going down on you, you started laughing at me.” He reminds me of that night, and I internally flinch at
how awkward it was.
“I was nervous. I was fucking scared! I laugh when I’m afraid! I wasn’t laughing at you. I told you that a million times that night.”
I can still feel the embarrassment just talking about it. “You laughed at me when my mouth was on your pussy. Do you have any idea what that does to a guy?”
He’s trying to justify it, and I get it. “So your solution is to sleep with someone else?”
I have no answer for her because that’s exactly what happened. I did the same thing when she ripped my heart out after boot camp. It distracted me. It gave me the mental power to tell myself I didn’t need her, that I could actually live without her, even though my heart was always with her.
She stands up and tosses the pillow on my bed. “I’m going to stay with my parents. We need some time.”
As she passes, I grab her arm, and she jerks it away from me. “Don’t touch me.”
“Amie,” I plead. “Please, honey, don’t leave.”
“This all happened too fast. I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you, because it’s all I want. I’m saying we need some fucking space to process everything.”
I follow her downstairs, and before she closes the front door, she turns to me. “Is there anything else I need to know?”
“No.”
She nods and walks to her car. I watch as her taillights fade away, then I walk in the house and punch a hole in the wall. Then another. Daisy barks and growls, and I end with throwing the stupid fucking table in the hallway. It crashes into the living room and knocks a lamp over. “Fuck!”
Clover cries from upstairs and I take a moment to try and calm myself before rocking her back to sleep. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. By the time I go upstairs, Clover’s already fallen back asleep. I sit in her rocking chair, needing to be close to her, and doze off for the night.
* * *
Amie hasn’t talked to me for four days. She texted and asked how the dog and Clover were, but she didn’t say shit to me. I guilted her by sending pictures of them, hoping she’d come back sooner. Four fucking days… I don’t know how much longer I can stand being apart from her. Yes, I fucked up. I know it and so does she. But I’m human; I make fucking mistakes. I would have sacrificed everything for her. Still would. That woman means the fucking world to me, and it’s not like she didn’t fuck up too.
Clover is over at Char and Travis’ for the afternoon. I needed a little breathing room. When I park my car at the path, I leave my phone in my car so I don’t have any distractions.
As I make my way to the top, I reminisce over the memories Amie and I made here. The days we would just chill on the dirt and watch the wind blow the trees. How we hid behind the big tree and had sex against it since the area is so secluded. We mapped out our dreams and perfect future in this very place.
The multitude of colors reflect all around me from the trees and flowers, and I sit on the hard ground overlooking the landscaping around me and let the memory of our first time together float to the front of my brain.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” I ask as she removes her shirt.
“Yes.”
“Stop. Let me do that.”
At this point, we’ve done everything except have sex. I’ve kissed and licked every inch of her body. I’ve brought her to orgasm with my fingers and my mouth, but I’m dying to do it with my dick.
“Okay.” She shyly looks down, but I put a finger under her chin and lift her face up.
“Hey, it’s just me. It’s us, okay. Nothing that can happen is embarrassing or wrong. We’re learning this together.”
She takes a deep breath and nods. “Okay.”
“Tell me if you want me to stop or slow down. It’s never too late to change your mind, all right? I want this so damn bad, but I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
Her answer is to lie down. I crawl on top of her and hold her face so I can kiss her. My tongue finds hers, and I thrust it in and out slowly, pressing my body against hers. I slide my mouth down to her collarbone and kiss all the way across before going back up to her neck. As I’m sucking gently on the skin there, I reach for the strap of her bra and slide it down her arm, then do the same to the other one.
She lifts up so I can undo the clasp in the back, and when she lies back down, I pull the material away from her chest. Her big, beautiful breasts bounce, and I grab them and flick at her quickly hardening nipples.
A moan passes through her lips, and I slide farther down to her pelvis and nip at each side. Before I remove her shorts, I reach back and take off my shirt, then unbuckle my jeans to give my cock some breathing room.
As I slide the denim of her shorts down her legs, I follow it with my lips. Once they reach her feet, I toss them to the ground and then make my way back up again and push her thong aside to spread her open to me.
The first pass of my tongue makes her gasp, and I keep her on edge by bringing her to the peak then stopping. I kiss and lick her sensitive flesh and grind my cock into the mattress to give myself the slightest bit of relief. I slide a single finger into her moist channel and groan when she clamps down around me.
“Declan…”
“Yeah?”
“Can you just… ya know, do it?”
“In a minute.”
I add another finger to hopefully stretch her out a little bit and practically come when a rush of moisture coats my hand. “You gonna come?”
“Yes.” She presses herself against my mouth, and I gently nip at the swollen lips.
“Okay.”
I do what I know she likes. I press my fingers all the way inside and use my thumb to circle her clit. She grinds herself against me before she flails her head and screams my name.
I can’t resist tasting her, so I pull my fingers out and suck the glistening wetness off. “So sweet, honey.” I strip the rest of our clothes off, and then grab a condom out of my dresser drawer.
“You don’t need that. I got on the pill.”
I pounce over her, and she giggles.
“You what?”
“Surprise.”
“Since when?”
“A couple of months ago.”
The tip of my cock rubs against the heat of her pussy, and I reach down and slip it inside just a little bit. Fuck, that feels good. “You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“You know that if something happened and you got pregnant, I’d take care of you, right?”
“Of course, I know that.”
“I’ll always take care of you, Amie.”
As I center myself above her, a tear slides down her face.
“Hey, it’s okay. We can stop.”
“No, I don’t want to. I’m just nervous.”
“Me too.” And I am. I’m afraid I’ll hurt her, and I want it to be good for her, too.
“I love you.”
“Love you too, honey.”
With shaky hands, I hold myself above her and watch her eyes as I begin to enter her. Lines form between her eyes and she scoots back. “It hurts.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her head thrashes on the pillow out of pain, and I begin to pull out. I can’t do this to her.
“No, don’t stop.” She wraps her legs around me. “Just do it.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Please.”
“Fuck. Okay.” I grab her hands from the death grip she has on the comforter and pull them into my arms. “Hold onto me. If it hurts, just squeeze my arms, okay? If you’re in pain, I should be too.”
Her nails begin to bite into me, and I look into her watery eyes with wet eyes of my own and push myself forward. She screams, and I bite the inside of my cheeks from the combination of her tightness squeezing my dick and her nails cutting into my arms.
“Is it in all the way?” She begins to scoot back again.
“No.”
“Shit, shit. Okay.” After a couple of deep breaths, she nods at me.
“Want me to keep going?�
�
“Yes.”
She closes her eyes, and it tears me apart to see the pain on her face.
“Look at me, honey. Please look at me.”
When her irises find mine, I tighten every muscle in my body and slam into her until I’m all the way in.
She turns her head away from me and pants as I slide back out a little bit. When I thrust back in, I nearly come.
“Does it feel good?” she asks between clenched teeth.
“Yeah. It’s fucking amazing. You feel so good, Amie. Tight and hot and wet. God, I could live inside you.”
She finally releases the iron grip she has on my arms and puts them on her chest. “You do. You live right here. You’ll always live in my heart.”
I lean down and kiss her at the same time as I pivot my hips and rub against her clit. She finally, fucking finally, moans, and I smile against her lips. “Good?”
“Yeah, it feels good.”
“I hate to do this to you, but I’m about to come.”
“It’s okay. I don’t think I could right now. It feels good, but I’m a little sore.”
I grunt as my balls tighten. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I’ll make you come so many times.”
“It’s okay, Declan. I know you will. You always make me feel good.”
“Fuck.” I slam into her four times before my release spills into her, and I collapse next to her. “That’s embarrassing.”
“No, it’s not.”
“You didn’t come.”
“Yes, I did, before.” She rolls to her side and rests her hand on the side of my face. “I’ve never felt closer to you. That experience is something I’ll never forget, something I’ll remember forever. Thank you for letting me be your first.”
“Nothing will ever be as special to me as you trusting me to give me this gift. Because you’re mine, Amie. Mine to cherish, to protect, and to treasure. I’m never letting you go. Do you understand that? Do you even understand how much I love you?”
“Not as much as I love you.”
“That’s impossible. There isn’t another person on the face of the planet who’s ever loved someone as much as I love you.”
I made it up to her and made her come with my dick two hours later. Then again in the morning. Each time after that, we got more creative. Tried more positions. And each time just got better and better. Each time she dug herself deeper and deeper into my soul. She’s my only, and she’ll be my last.