Magic & Memory

by Larsen, A. L.

  “I’ve already pulled him off the main highway and toward Santa Cruz by recalling how frightened I was during Bryn’s mind probe,” Alastair said. “He can lock right in on me when I remember strong emotions, so I’ll keep doing it to bring him to me.”

  “That’s kind of weird, because I can only sense your emotions as they’re happening. I don’t sense remembered ones at all,” muttered Joey absently.

  “I need to get going, he’s getting close.” Alastair held Joey’s gaze. “Don’t follow me, Joey. I mean it. Stay here and keep an eye on Lu.”

  Joey frowned at him. “Can you read my thoughts now too?”

  “Nah,” said Alastair. “It just seems like something you’d do.”

  Alastair gave Lu a kiss on the cheek, then took off out the door.

  Joey jumped up as soon as he left, and when he was sure Alastair was out of earshot he said frantically, “We need to steal a car. Right now.”

  “What are you talking about?” Lu asked.

  “Alastair told me not to follow him, and it’s pretty much impossible for me to go against a direct order of his. But he didn’t say you couldn’t follow him. So let’s go. You’re driving. And I’ll just be keeping an eye on you while you go after him.”

  “Joey, no. I think that’s a really bad idea.”

  “We have to, Lu. Don’t you see? Augustine is orchestrating all of this somehow. I have no idea how he’s doing it, but he’s leading Alastair into a trap!”

  Lu crossed the room to Joey, drawing him into a hug. His entire body vibrated with fear and anxiety.

  “Please, Lu?” Joey pulled back so he was looking into her eyes. “Please help me. I can’t let Augustine hurt him.”

  Lu raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re not trying to do that vampire compelling thing to me, are you?”

  Joey glared at her. “That didn’t even occur to me. Never mind the fact that I’m way too upset to make that work right now, even if I wanted to.”

  “Just checking.”

  Joey sighed and began pacing the room like a caged animal. After a while he mumbled, “Do you want to, like, go for a walk or something?”

  “Because you can’t leave this motel room until I do, since you’re under orders to keep an eye on me?”

  “Exactly.”

  “I do want to go out, but because I’m hungry. I still don’t want you getting in Alastair’s way and screwing up that whole situation.”

  “Seriously? You’re thinking about eating at a time like this?”

  “I’m worried, sure,” Lu said, “but I also feel like Alastair knows what he’s doing.”

  “Based on what? Alastair had to be told what his own name was just a couple days ago. He has no idea about Augustine, no idea what he’s walking into!”

  Lu held Joey’s gaze. “When I first met Alastair, he seemed so fragile. I felt like I wanted to protect him, take care of him. But now I’m starting to see who he really is. He’s not fragile at all, he’s the exact opposite. There’s an incredible strength to him, and I don’t just mean physically.”

  “Normally yes. He’s unbelievably strong, and smart, too. But now he--”

  “He’s the same person he’s always been. It’s not his memories that make him who he is. And I really think he can handle going up against his maker. I think he can handle anything,” Lu said.

  Joey sighed, and after a few moments he relaxed slightly. Finally he said, “You’re right. I guess I have to trust that this is going to be ok, that Allie knows what he’s doing.”

  “Well, good.”

  “So let’s get you something to eat. I noticed an ice cream parlor across the street that might still be open. Want to go check it out? It looked like it might be good.” He went over to the duffle bag he’d brought in from the car and quickly exchanged his t-shirt for a clean black one, since the one he was wearing was stained with both his and Lu’s blood. Then he threw on an old blue sweatshirt, not for the warmth, but because it attracted attention to be out in only a t-shirt on a cold winter night.

  “That ice cream place is called Marianne’s,” Lu was saying. “And it’s great. So hurry up, they’re probably closing soon.”

  As they crossed Ocean Street Joey subtly sniffed the air, but the strong breeze coming off the Pacific had all but obliterated Alastair’s scent. He sighed and focused his attention on Lu, asking, “You’ve been here before?”

  “I spent the first twelve years of my life not far from here.” She tilted her head toward the mountains to their left.

  They got to Marianne’s right before closing. Lu ordered a chocolate peanut butter shake, while Joey ordered a single scoop of chocolate ice cream on a sugar cone from the young, freckled girl behind the counter. The girl smiled at him flirtatiously, but Joey didn’t seem to notice.

  He paid and then slipped Lu a few bills. “You should have some money with you. Just in case,” he said.

  “In case of what?”

  “In case of whatever,” he said, and she slid the cash into the pocket of her jeans. As she did so, she noticed that the slash marks on her leg had healed to the point that they were almost invisible.

  The two of them sat on a curb outside the ice cream parlor and Lu took a sip of her shake. “Oh man. It’s exactly like I remember it from when I was a kid,” she said.

  Joey watched her wistfully. He then sniffed the cone in his hand and said, “I used to love chocolate ice cream. It still smells the same. So does the sugar cone, it smells exactly like I remember it tasting.” He ran his tongue over the ice cream’s smooth, cold surface. “It tastes flat now, though, almost flavorless, just like all food does. I wish I’d paid more attention to what I ate when I was human. I’ve forgotten so many details.”

  Joey looked so young and so sad then, but only for a moment. He quickly stuck a smile on his face and said brightly, “So you lived nearby as a kid? It must have been great to grow up here, right by the sea.”

  “I was actually a few miles inland and my mother didn’t bring me into town all that often. And she almost never took me to the beach, which really sucks because I love the ocean.”

  “I do too,” said Joey, jumping to his feet. “So let’s go see it.” He effortlessly tossed the uneaten cone into a trash can that was at least twenty feet away.

  “It’s kind of a hike from here,” Lu said as she stood up. “And is the real reason you want to go because you think Alastair may have headed that way?”

  “His scent, what little I could pick up, went off in the opposite direction, actually. I just really would like to see the ocean. And if I don’t do something to distract myself, I’m pretty much going to go insane worrying about Allie. So let’s go. Please? I can carry you if you’re too tired to walk.”

  “Oh, hell no,” she said, and took off running. “Come on, I’ll race you.”

  He caught up to her easily and took the shake from her. “Here, let me carry this before you spill it.”

  “You’re not really trying,” she said, applying an extra burst of speed.

  He smiled cheerfully and said, “If I was really trying, I’d be there already.”

  She sighed and slowed to a walk, and he fell into step beside her, handing back her drink. Her breathing was labored, and he wasn’t breathing at all.

  “Totally unfair vampire advantage,” she said.

  “Yeah, but just think about the advantage you’d have if it was daytime,” Joey said lightly.

  Eventually they reached the ocean and followed the shoreline until they came to the wharf, then meandered down to the end of it. Lu sank onto a bench and gazed out at the shimmering blackness of the ocean.

  Joey sat beside her and stared across the water at the lights of the Boardwalk back on shore. “I remember that,” he said, gesturing at the amusement park. “My parents took my brothers and me here when I was about seven, when we were doing this big west coast road trip. I was too afraid to go on that big wooden roller coaster, and I got teased about it for years. I’m the seco
nd youngest of five boys, and even my baby brother went on it, but not me. That was hard to live down.”

  “Do you miss your family?” Lu asked gently.

  “Yeah. I mean, I try not to think about it too much. But I miss them a lot. Especially my mom.”

  “I never miss my mom.” Lu hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

  “Is she dead?” Joey asked softly.

  “I pretend she is. But no.”

  “So where is she?”

  After a long pause, Lu took a deep breath and blurted out the truth. “She’s in prison.” She turned to look Joey in the eye. “And if you ever tease me about that, I swear to God I’ll never speak to you again.”

  He gave her shoulders a gentle hug. “I would never tease you about something like that.” He kept his arm around her as they both relaxed against the bench. After a minute he said, “This is probably a totally insensitive question, but can I ask what she’s in jail for?”

  Lu sighed and said, “She used to grow pot on our property in the Santa Cruz mountains, and would sell it out of our farmhouse.”

  “When’s she getting out?”

  “Don’t know, don’t care,” Lu said, wrapping her arms around herself. After a minute she added, “She’s been in five years so far. The fact that she was a dealer with priors for possession, along with the fact that there was a minor on the premises while she was dealing, meant she got the maximum sentence when the police finally busted her. I doubt she’s getting out any time soon.”

  Lu recited the facts as if she was totally indifferent to them. But in truth, talking about the past in general and her mom in particular hurt like a knife in the heart.

  She sighed and stared out at the patterns of light dancing on the dark water. “It’s weird being back here,” she said. “It’s the first time actually, since I moved up to Oregon to live with my aunt. It brings back a ton of memories, good and bad.”

  “I hate thinking about the past,” Joey said, his voice slightly uneven. “It doesn’t do any good, you know? Just tears open old wounds.”

  “Exactly,” Lu said. They sat in silence watching the lights’ reflection, and after a while she asked, “What if you went and saw your family, Joey? Couldn’t you do that?”

  “There’s no way. They think I’m dead. They mourned for me, and then they got on with their lives. And what, now I show up six years later, looking not a day older, and say ‘hi, what’s for dinner?’ I kinda don’t think so.”

  “Yeah, I see what you mean.”

  “Do you ever visit your mom?” Joey asked.

  “Never.” Lu’s voice was clipped. “And I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Ok. Look…I’m just going to say one thing about this and then I’ll drop it forever.” Joey paused and then said, “She’s still your mom, Lu. You have something I wish I had, you’re lucky. I mean, I guess she wasn’t the greatest parent, given where she is and all. But if you wanted to, you could have a relationship with her.”

  “I don’t want that,” Lu said, fighting to keep her voice steady. “I don’t want her in my life. She chose drugs over me. She chose to use, and she chose to be a dealer. She let her addiction drive my father away when I was just a toddler. I don’t even know where he is now.” Her voice cracked and she took a few deep breaths. When she could finally speak again she whispered, “I’m so much better off without her. I’m doing fine on my own.”

  “I know you are, Lu,” Joey said sincerely. “I know you’re doing great on your own.”

  “Even before she went to jail, she was barely a parent.” Lu wrapped her arms around herself. “From the time I was little, it was always me taking care of her, not the other way around. I barely got to be a kid. Her addiction took my childhood, and I’m not willing to let her take any more from me.”

  Joey’s response was simply to pull her into a big hug. She held onto him for a long time, pressing her eyes shut and fighting back tears.

  When she finally let go of him she said, “It’s really ok though. I mean, yeah, I kind of got gypped in the childhood department. But having to act like a grown-up from the time I was little made me strong. If it wasn’t for the way I grew up, I never would have been able to take care of my aunt while she was dying.”

  “Tell me about your aunt.”

  Lu smiled even as she felt tears welling up. “She was great. Claire and my mother were sisters, but Claire was nine years older and nothing at all like my mom. She was so kind and loving and nurturing. I can still hear her laugh, there was so much joy in her. She loved quilting and baking, the house always smelled like cinnamon. She was everything a mom should be.” Lu’s voice shook at that last part. Then she said, “So you know what? Even though my real mom was a lousy parent, I got the best mom imaginable for five whole years while I lived with my aunt. I was lucky.”

  “I’m so sorry she’s gone,” Joey whispered.

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  She shivered then and leaned against Joey as the breeze picked up, and he wrapped his arm around her securely. Then he said softly, “It doesn’t really help, you know. I don’t provide any body heat. I’m the same temperature as the air.”

  “It feels good, though,” Lu told him. “There’s something very comforting about you.”

  He grinned at that. “Yeah. I’m the world’s cuddliest vampire. I’m special that way.”

  After a minute she said, “Joey, how was that thing that attacked us in front of Bryn’s house a vampire? If that’s the same as what you are, I just don’t get it.”

  “You mean you don’t get why I’m not all clawed and contorted and fanged out?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “That’s because Alastair taught me to control the transformation, to hold it back so that only my fangs emerge. If I just let go, totally gave in to it when I transformed, that creature you saw is exactly what I’d become.”

  “Alastair too? Is that what he’d become?”

  “I’m not sure, actually. All other vampires, yes. But with him, who knows? I’ve never seen him fully transform, he’s far too controlled for that.” Joey paused, his eyes scanning the dark water. After a few moments he said, “What I’ve always been afraid of, actually, is that at some point I’d see him transform into his other half.”

  “What, the angel half?”

  “Yeah.” He kept his eyes on the ocean. “I saw an angel once in its full true form, and it was the single most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. It was a full-blooded angel, so I’m not even sure Alastair could manifest into that form. But I’ve heard rumors that it’s possible for nephilim to do that.”

  “But aren’t angels supposed to be sweet and good and all that? Why would they be scary?”

  “What they are is otherworldly. The one I saw -- it was too much to comprehend. My brain just couldn’t even process it. It was all blinding white light and raw, incredibly intense power. It was brutally, incomprehensibly beautiful. And that doesn’t even begin to describe it. It just utterly terrified and overwhelmed me.”

  “Wow,” said Lu quietly. “And Alastair -- that’s half of what he is.”

  “That’s what his father was, so yeah, some of that’s in Alastair.” Joey fell silent for a moment, still staring out at the water. Then he said, “I’ve always wondered what it means to have that in you, what it does to you to live with something so utterly not human as a part of you.”

  She considered this for a while before asking, “What was Alastair like before he lost his memories?”

  “Not all that different than he is now, I guess. He was more confident, but he’s actually regaining his confidence hour by hour. He was -- and is -- incredibly strong, but you know that. And I don’t just mean physically. He never seemed scared. It was like the concept of fear just didn’t apply to him. And he was almost always serious. I considered it a huge personal triumph whenever I got him to crack a smile. He was focused, too. He had a job to do and he did it, tirelessly,” Joey said. Then he sighed and added, “I
sometimes think it’s this huge cosmic joke that someone like him would end up saddled with someone like me.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Because I’m just not like him. Obviously. I can only imagine how I seem to him when I cry or get scared or do something stupid -- which is, like, all the time. I don’t know how he even tolerates me.”

  “He loves you,” Lu said gently.

  “Yeah, because he has to. It’s wired into our maker bond. He doesn’t choose to love me, or even like me. I’m just something that was inflicted on him.”

  “Joey--”

  “Look, it’s ok. You don’t need to reassure me or whatever. It just is what it is.” Joey tried to make his tone light as he said, “But anyway, enough about that.” He turned his head toward a loud barking sound echoing behind them. “Hey, the sea lions are out. Let’s go take a look.” He got up off the bench and crossed the wharf.

  I get it, Lu thought, subject closed.

  She followed Joey to a big square cut-out in the wharf and leaned over the railing, squinting at the darkness below while he said, “Oh cool, I remember these too from when I was little. I remember trying to feed one of them a French fry, and my dad yelling at me. I was such a stupid kid.” Joey smiled cheerfully. And then he exclaimed, pointing into the darkness, “Wow, look how big that one is!”

  “You can see them?”

  “Sure. Oh! And it’s probably too dark for you to see anything. I actually forgot for a minute that you and I are different.”

  “We aren’t that different,” she told him.

  “Said the human to the vampire,” Joey grinned.

  Lu smiled and linked arms with him. “Let’s walk back, vampire.”

  Santa Cruz was quiet in mid-December, the tourist season long over. A few buildings sported Christmas lights, but even so, at this time of year the city felt dormant. Lu remembered she used to love winter in this town, when the city felt like it belonged to her, and not to the thousands of tourists and beachgoers that clogged it in the warmer months.

  After a while she asked, “Are you getting anything from Alastair? I assume you’ve been monitoring his emotions this whole time. How’s it going with his maker?”