She

by HC Warner

  Peter nodded quickly and strode out of the room. I looked up at Ben, expecting him to sit back down beside me but instead, he headed for the door.

  ‘I’ll come!’ he said loudly.

  ‘No, Ben!’ I shouted, before I had time to think, causing them all to stop in their tracks. ‘You can’t go,’ I added, as three sets of eyes turned towards me.

  Ben scowled irritably. ‘What? I need to go with them in case Dad and I have to pull the car out of a ditch or something.’

  His insolent tone made me fizz with instant rage. ‘You can’t leave me here on my own!’ I hissed through gritted teeth, hoping he would get the message and come back in.

  ‘Come, don’t come,’ Jo snapped at Ben. ‘But make your bloody mind up because we need to get to Emma.’

  Ben hesitated and I glared at him murderously. He didn’t need to go. He was just trying to play the hero in front of his mum and dad. I didn’t want to be left in the house on my own when I wasn’t feeling well. The fact that I felt fine was irrelevant – he thought I was unwell which was the main thing.

  To my horror, he gave me an apologetic smile. ‘Sorry, darling, I’ll only be a few minutes. You’ll be fine.’

  With that, the three of them raced out of the door, leaving me sitting by myself in a fog of such violent outrage that it brought genuine tears to my eyes.

  I couldn’t believe that Ben would deliberately disobey me like that, trying to humiliate me and make a fool of me in front of his mum and, particularly, his dad. ‘You bastard!’ I screamed into the empty room.

  It was almost half an hour before they came back. By that time, the upset I felt had solidified into cold, hard rage. I watched resentfully through the window as Peter and Jo tenderly helped Emma out of the back of the Range Rover. She seemed absolutely fine. Well, apart from the bump on her forehead, which probably looked a lot worse than it was. They each took an arm and steered her towards the house, as if she was about to collapse at any minute. Emma was milking it for all she was worth, shuffling along like a 90-year-old. As they reached the front door, her small green Fiat pulled onto the gravel driveway, driven by Ben. Admittedly, it was pretty badly bashed up but it was clearly drivable. Emma hadn’t needed everyone to go running to her rescue – she could just as easily have driven it home herself. Bloody drama-queen that she was, she probably just wanted everyone to make a fuss of her, instead of me.

  As Peter, Jo and Emma all made their way to the kitchen, Ben came into the sitting room. I fixed him with a cold stare as he stood nervously in front of me, like a schoolboy summoned to see the headmistress. ‘Poor Emma – that was a pretty nasty prang she had there,’ he began.

  I pulled my coat around myself defensively and looked away without replying.

  Ben ran a hand through his hair. ‘Did you see the car? It’s a right mess.’

  I shrugged huffily. ‘It doesn’t look that bad to me. And Emma seemed fine.’

  Ben frowned. ‘She’s actually very shaken up, Bella! And she’s got a hell of a bump on her head.’ He hesitated. ‘Why are you being like this? You’ve been really off since we arrived.’

  Immediately, the tears that had been threatening, spilled over and I put my face in my hands. ‘I’m sorry, Ben. It’s just that I’m feeling so ill and I thought I might faint but I was here on my own and I didn’t know what to do. I was so worried about the baby.’

  As always with any mention of the baby’s wellbeing, Ben’s irritation immediately melted away. He came rushing over and knelt down in front of me, pulling me into his arms. ‘Oh sweetheart, you poor thing. You should have said …’

  ‘I didn’t want to ruin Christmas for your mum. She’s gone to so much trouble!’

  ‘You haven’t ruined Christmas! There’s still plenty of time to enjoy ourselves.’ Ben gave my back a reassuring rub as he spoke.

  I rolled my eyes. I had absolutely no intention of staying here a minute longer than I had to. ‘But I just feel dreadful, Ben. I’m so sorry but all I want to do is go home to bed.’

  Ben pulled away and I could see the conflict travelling over his features. It was either upset me or upset his mum. We both already knew there was no contest. ‘You couldn’t go to bed here?’ he suggested without conviction, knowing the battle was already lost.

  I shook my head sadly. ‘I think it’s best if I’m near the hospital … Just in case.’

  Reluctantly, Ben nodded and stood up. ‘OK, I’ll just go and tell Mum.’ I could see he was dreading the conversation as he trudged out of the room, his shoulders hunched.

  I felt slightly guilty, leaving him to face the music alone, so I followed him out into the hallway and headed towards the kitchen, where Ben was standing in the doorway. I paused halfway along, so that I could listen to what he was saying. ‘Um, Bella’s not feeling too good. I’m really sorry but I think we’d better go home.’

  ‘What?’ Jo whined. ‘But what about lunch, your presents … you were supposed to be staying the night?’

  Ben glanced over his shoulder nervously and locked eyes with me, standing watching him. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ he said, walking back towards me.

  ‘Peter, can’t you speak to her?’ Jo said in what she clearly thought were hushed tones but which carried down the hallway, loudly enough to be easily heard by Ben and me. ‘See if you can persuade her to stay? She seems to like you more than me.’

  I almost laughed at the irony of her words.

  ‘I’d rather not,’ Peter said. That’s the understatement of the century! I thought. ‘I’m not sure it’ll do much good anyway and if she’s genuinely not feeling well …’

  ‘Please, Peter. It’ll spoil everything if they leave and I can tell Ben doesn’t want to. It’s her …’

  Ben looked at me in panic and tried to usher me back down the hallway out of earshot. But I shook him off and walked to the doorway of the kitchen.

  Jo had her back to me and hadn’t noticed I was there, but both Peter and Emma looked at me in horror. ‘She can’t bear the attention wandering from her for a second. She’s such a little bloody madam! Honestly, Emma, you should have seen her earlier, refusing to even take her coat off!’

  I felt like clapping my hands with joy. She had done exactly what I hoped and given me the perfect excuse to leave, with all the blame landing squarely on her shoulders. There was a long, agonizing pause, as Jo realized that Peter and Emma were looking over her shoulder with horrified expressions and that I must have overheard her. I saw her tense, before she turned very slowly to face me.

  ‘Wow, thanks for that, Jo,’ I said, in a tone of voice that I hoped sounded deeply wounded, aware that I needed to put a stop to the smile that was tugging at the corners of my mouth. ‘It’s a good job we’re leaving – I certainly know where I’m not wanted.’

  ‘Bella, I …’ Jo’s face flushed bright red. She stepped forward and reached out to take my arm but shrugged her off brusquely.

  ‘Let go of me! Come on, Ben. We’re going.’

  Ben looked like he might cry. ‘I’m really sorry but we have to go. Em, I hope you’re OK?’

  Emma nodded and raised her glass. ‘Thanks, I’ll be fine,’ she slurred. She sounded absolutely plastered. ‘Happy Christmas.’

  Ben hesitated and for a horrible moment, I thought he might be going to ask if we could stay after all. I gave him my most ferocious glare. ‘Ben!’ I growled, leaving him in no doubt that I would not be staying in this house a minute longer.

  With a final, anguished look, he gave a small wave and followed me to the front door.

  As he opened the door, we heard Jo burst into noisy sobs and he threw me a pleading look. I shook my head fiercely and pushed him out, before pulling the door shut behind me with a loud bang.

  We got into the car and Ben reversed out of the drive, looking distraught.

  ‘Well, I always suspected that she didn’t like me all along and it looks like I was right,’ I told him, trying not to sound too triumphant.

  ‘She does like
you …’ he said, sounding weary. ‘But you have to admit you weren’t exactly friendly to her either.’

  Indignation rattled through me. How dare he blame me for his mother’s hurtful comments. ‘Are you saying it was my fault?’ My bottom lip began to wobble and I knew the tears weren’t far behind.

  Ben closed his eyes for a moment, before reaching over and putting his hand on my leg. ‘No, of course not. Come on, darling, don’t cry. Let’s get you home and into bed. I’m sure you’ll feel better if you have a good sleep.’

  I blew my nose and nodded my agreement. I didn’t need to tell him that I felt much better already.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  We didn’t have long to wait for the baby to arrive. I started to have contractions at around midnight on January 3rd and Ben drove me to the hospital, casting worried glances in my direction. ‘Isn’t it too early?’ he kept saying.

  I looked out of the window, counting the time between contractions and vowing to get him well out of the way when I was talking to the midwives about dates. I was sure I’d be able to fob him off easily enough. For my part, I couldn’t wait to meet the little person who had been growing inside me these past nine months and felt almost giddy with excitement.

  The birth was remarkably straightforward, if unbelievably painful, and Elodie arrived, looking more serene and perfect than I could ever have imagined. I held her tiny, perfect hands and counted her dainty little toes with a feeling of awe like I had never experienced before. She was mine and mine alone. I could see Peter in her but more than anything, I could see myself. It was such a strange sensation to look at another person and see yourself reflected back.

  Ben was immediately smitten and it surprised me how good he was with her. It should probably have made me feel guilty but instead I just felt grateful that he was there and so supportive. When we first brought her home, we both spent hours just watching her sleep in her Moses basket. I don’t think either of us could believe we had been left in charge of this tiny baby who was entirely dependent on us for her survival.

  Once Ben went back to work, my mum came to stay for a week and I let her do the lion’s share of the work, while I got as much sleep as possible. She was wonderful with Elodie, which I had mixed feelings about. On the one hand, I was grateful for the help but on the other, I felt it was the least she could do to make up for the crap childhood she had given me, after she accused my dad of all sorts and had him sent away.

  Mum and I had always had an odd relationship. Somewhere along the line, she had become scared of me and as a result, she irritated the hell out of me. It became a vicious circle: the more I sensed her nervousness around me, the nastier I became, which only served to make her more nervous. Both of us breathed a huge sigh of relief when I moved out of our poky little house on an estate in Croydon, to move into a place of my own in London.

  But after I had Elodie, it seemed like we developed a slightly uneasy truce. I thought that maybe it was because I really did need her help for the first time ever. I was bone-tired and had absolutely no clue what I was doing, so I had no choice but to watch her and learn. As well as looking after Elodie, she also mothered me – feeding me and letting me sleep whenever I wanted – which I had to admit I enjoyed. I was almost sad when she left to return home. Almost. And she must have felt the same way, because after that she began to pay more regular visits, taking over the housework and childcare the minute she walked through the door.

  I waited for Ben to suggest that his parents should come to visit, but as things had settled down between us since the Christmas ‘incident’, it was as if he didn’t want to tempt fate.

  For my part, I only wanted to see Peter again once I felt like I was back to looking my best and had lost the unsightly jelly-belly that my pregnancy had left behind. So it suited me perfectly to have the excuse of the row at Christmas to avoid having to see them. Jo sent texts, letters and flowers, all apologizing profusely for what she’d said and begging my forgiveness.

  Ben and I would read them in silence, before quietly carrying on with whatever we were doing, with no discussion or even acknowledgement.

  The weeks ticked by and I liked that our bubble had shrunk to just Ben, me and Elodie, with only sporadic visits from my mum. I felt back in control, which is how I liked it. Matt and Freya seemed to have got the hint and their phone-calls, which I had grown expert in ignoring, had dwindled away to almost nothing. I never mentioned to Ben that they had called or left messages on the Ansaphone because I didn’t want him getting any ideas about rekindling their friendship. That most definitely wasn’t going to happen.

  I also ‘accidentally’ smashed his mobile phone and then offered to get a new one for him, making sure that he got a new number in the process, so that no one from his ‘old’ life could contact him. When he started to complain and wail that I’d lost all his contacts, I burst into tears and he promptly shut up.

  So when Ben came home from work one day and mooted the idea of finally inviting his parents to visit, it took me entirely by surprise. I had been trying to contact him at lunchtime and he wasn’t answering his phone. I had a sixth sense that he was doing something he shouldn’t have been doing and I was ready for a row about it by the time he came through the door. His sheepish demeanour only confirmed what I suspected.

  ‘So, what were you doing today that was so important you ignored my calls?’ I asked him, as we sat down to eat the risotto he had prepared.

  ‘I didn’t ignore your calls.’ Ben took a mouthful of his risotto but seemed to struggle to swallow it and winced slightly before continuing. ‘I was at work, Bella. I can’t just drop everything and take a personal call every time my phone rings. It’s unprofessional and it will get me into trouble. We can’t afford for me to lose this job.’

  There was something about his patronizing tone that annoyed me and I threw my fork down onto my plate. It landed with a clatter and made both of us jump. ‘But what if it’s urgent? What if it’s something to do with Elodie?’

  ‘Well, then of course I will drop everything and come running. But it wasn’t about Elodie, was it?’

  He was right of course but I was still furious and could feel the tears welling up.

  Ben sighed, before reaching out to take my hand. ‘Come on, sweetheart. Don’t get upset. You are doing a fantastic job with our gorgeous baby. I’m so proud of you.’

  He was so sweet sometimes. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry for calling so often, it’s just that I get so bloody lonely sometimes. It’s really, really hard.’

  Ben reached out and took my hand in his. ‘Of course it is. I completely understand darling. But … you don’t have to be lonely.’

  Ah. I had wondered when this might come.

  ‘I’m sure Mum is desperate to see Elodie and she’d be so happy to help out. To give you a bit of a break.’ Ben was trying not to sound too eager but he wasn’t succeeding. I could clearly hear the hope in his voice.

  It wasn’t Jo who would be most desperate to see Elodie, I thought, it was Peter. I could just imagine how badly it would have hurt him not to be able to see her before now, knowing that she was his. And he deserved every bit of pain he was going through. But now that I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight and looking pretty good, I thought that maybe it was time. It would only pile on the agony for him.

  ‘Why don’t we invite her round? Come on, Bella, otherwise it’s a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I began, seeing his eyes light up instantly with anticipation. ‘But you have to be here, too. I don’t want to see her on my own, just in case …’

  I thought Ben might react to my insinuation but he just nodded eagerly. ‘Of course I’ll be here, too. How about this weekend? Shall I ask them to come here then?’

  ‘Them? Invite your dad, too?’ I wanted to be sure.

  ‘Well, yes. I’m sure he’s as desperate to meet his first grandchild as Mum is.’

  If only you knew, I thought, looking away as
I pretended to ponder, prolonging the moment for as long as possible. ‘I suppose so,’ I said eventually.

  Ben gave a sharp gasp of surprise, his eyes shining, before he picked up his fork and resumed eating, trying to seem as casual as possible.

  ‘Why don’t you go and have a relaxing bath while I clear up?’ he said, once we had both finished.

  I had wanted to listen to the conversation but a bath sounded very appealing and I could listen from the bathroom anyway. ‘OK, that would be nice. Thanks.’

  I ran the bath as quickly as I could, then turned off the taps, climbed in and listened hard.

  ‘Mum, it’s me,’ I heard him say in a choked voice. I hoped he wasn’t going to get all emotional. It got on my nerves and was another thing that made him so different to Peter, who was rarely anything other than calm and measured.

  ‘Good, Mum. I’m really good … Well, that’s why I’m calling, actually. We wondered if you and Dad would like to come and visit this weekend?’

  I felt a little frisson of excitement at the thought of seeing Peter again and of him seeing his daughter for the first time. It would be agony for him not to be able to say anything. I got out of the bath and wrapped my robe around me, as Ben’s voice carried through the flat.

  ‘Of course! She’d love to see you, too.’ His voice lifted an octave as he voiced the lie. Ben wasn’t a good liar, unlike his father. ‘Um, about midday? We’ll do lunch.’

  Irritation flared, causing me to grit my teeth in fury. He was so bloody useless! Elodie’s routine meant I put her down for her lunchtime nap at noon. How did he not know that? I snatched open the door and glared at him as he finished the conversation and hung up.

  ‘Midday?’

  Ben spun around to face me, with a dopey frown on his face. ‘Yes. What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘Oh, nothing, except that Elodie will be asleep. I thought they were coming to see her?’

  Ben’s frown deepened and he sighed. ‘They are coming to see her,’ he said, in his most patient voice. ‘Surely it won’t do any harm to keep her up a little bit longer for once?’