by HC Warner
‘OK,’ he said at last, looking bored and annoyed. ‘What’s the matter?’
I looked at him in disbelief. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t notice the way your mum treated me today. She made me feel like a piece of shit! And she barely even looked at Elodie …’
Ben frowned. ‘That’s not fair, Bella. It was her husband’s funeral – she’s in shock.’
‘She wasn’t in so much shock that she couldn’t fawn over Matt and Freya, not to mention how she acted like Charlotte was her daughter-in-law instead of me! Honestly, Ben, you have no idea how hard today was for me.’
Ben rubbed his forehead wearily. ‘I don’t think Mum would have done anything to upset you deliberately.’
‘Pah!’ I snorted. She couldn’t have been more deliberate in the way she had excluded me today. ‘She was off with me from the minute we arrived. She barely said “hello” then turned her back on me and stomped into the kitchen without attempting to take Elodie. You’d think she’d have been desperate to see her.’
‘As I said, I think she had other things on her mind. Come on, Bella, give her a break.’
Ben sounded exhausted and upset but I couldn’t feel sympathy for him. ‘She didn’t worry about how I was feeling when she insisted that your ex come and sit with us and went out of her way to make me feel left out.’ I could feel the tears welling up.
Ben gave an irritated sigh. ‘You didn’t exactly try to integrate, though, did you?’
‘I did!’ I shouted, swiping at the tears that were now rolling down my cheeks. ‘But you were too busy ignoring me to notice!’ I looked at him defiantly, waiting for a reply, but he just gripped the steering wheel and stared at the road ahead. ‘You can’t even deny it!’ I added, knowing that I was pushing him to the edge.
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake!’ Ben slammed the steering wheel with the flat of his hand. ‘It was my dad’s funeral, Bella! Why are you being like this?’
I had never seen Ben lose it like that and I jumped with surprise. ‘Ben! Stop being so aggressive! You’re scaring me and you’re scaring Elodie.’
As if to illustrate my words, Elodie, who had been sleeping soundly in her car-seat, began to cry. I twisted around so that I could shush her and calm her down and after a few moments, she began to drop off to sleep again. I looked at Ben in disgust. He really didn’t think about anyone other than himself and he had hardly glanced at Elodie all day.
I sat back in my seat, waiting for Ben to do what he usually did and apologize but he just drove in silence. In front of us, the sun was a heavy ball of orange, sinking fast in the purple sky. It was a stunningly beautiful view, but I hardly noticed, as my thoughts raced. ‘So you’re sulking now, then?’
Ben sighed. ‘No, Bella, I’m not sulking. I’m just trying to get my head around today. It’s been a horrible day.’
‘Yes, it has,’ I agreed quietly, folding my hands in my lap. ‘I’m glad it’s over.’
Ben didn’t reply.
‘And at least we’ve got the move to focus on now.’
‘Yes.’
Ben couldn’t have sounded less interested if he’d tried. I wondered whether I should let it drop for now and discuss it later but I didn’t want to. I needed to let him know that I had had a change of heart, so I continued. ‘You know, maybe we shouldn’t move to Suffolk, after all? Maybe Surrey would be better.’
Ben frowned and I saw his body stiffen, as if bracing himself to answer.
‘No, Bella. You were super-keen on Suffolk and being near my parents, so I don’t know why you’d suddenly change your mind.’
I mentally rolled my eyes. Of course he didn’t know why I would suddenly change my mind. It would change everything if he did.
‘Anyway,’ he added. ‘It’s too late.’
‘Not necessarily,’ I said with a wave of my hand. We hadn’t yet exchanged contracts so there was nothing set in stone. ‘We can still pull out of the Suffolk house.’
‘No. You insisted on Suffolk, so that’s where we’re going. And I like the house. Plus, it’ll be good being so close to Mum, now that she’s on her own …’
I didn’t like the unusually defiant tone in his voice. Normally, he would just agree with whatever I said but he sounded worryingly determined.
‘It should be a joint decision,’ I snapped, aware that actually it had all been down to me so far. I hadn’t given Ben any say on the houses we looked at, or, come to think of it, the one I eventually plumped for.
‘It is a joint decision, we chose it together, remember?’ Ben said. ‘Although, to be honest, you didn’t really give me much say in the choice, did you?’
I didn’t think he had been so aware that I wasn’t giving him any say. ‘Don’t play that card with me, Ben,’ I said, trying to deflect his words with my defensiveness. ‘While you’ve been dashing off to be at your mother’s beck and call, I’ve had to sort everything out by myself. So now I’ve decided that Surrey would be better instead.’
‘And remind me how far it is from your mum’s house?’
I rolled my eyes dramatically. ‘Oh, for Christ’s sake! We will need my mum’s help with Elodie, so it’s a good thing that she’ll be so close.’
‘My mum would be just as much help, especially now that she’s on her own. It would give her a focus.’
I couldn’t believe my ears. Ben had never defied me before and I didn’t like it one bit. ‘She’s not as good with Elodie as my mum. I wouldn’t feel happy leaving her. Your mum seemed completely disinterested in her today …’
‘Well, I expect burying her husband might have meant her mind wasn’t fully on Elodie today.’
‘There’s no need to be sarcastic, Ben.’ I threw him my angriest stare, hoping that he would do his usual and just roll over. But he was in a strange, surly mood and didn’t seem to be prepared to give in so easily.
‘Of course my mum isn’t as good with Elodie as yours,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘Because she hasn’t had a chance. If she’d spent as much time with her as your mum, she would be just as capable. It’s not her fault that she was banned from seeing her for the first few months of Elodie’s life.’
He stopped speaking and swallowed hard. I hoped he wasn’t going to start weeping and wailing. ‘That was her own fault for the way she attacked me at Christmas,’ I replied, knowing that in that respect at least, I had right on my side. ‘And she hasn’t exactly tried to make it up to me since. No, considering how strained our relationship is now, I definitely think Surrey is the best option.’ I adopted a decisive tone that made it clear that I wasn’t going to change my mind. There was no way I was moving to live so close to his mum now and that was that.
Ben pursed his lips. I could tell he was thinking about arguing but he seemed to have run out of energy and drove in virtual silence for the rest of the journey, giving just one-syllable answers to my questions. In the end, I gave up and decided to have a little sleep instead. The wine I had drunk had made me drowsy because I was so unused to it.
After we arrived home at the flat in London, I put Elodie straight to bed, then returned to the kitchen to find Ben sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a glass of red wine and looking deep in thought. I took a glass out of the cupboard and poured myself a glass of iced water. It felt good to have got today over with and I tapped my glass against Ben’s. ‘Well, cheers!’ I said, giving him an encouraging smile.
Ben lifted his glass without enthusiasm and refused to meet my eye.
‘Oh come on, Ben. Please stop sulking.’ I was running out of patience with him.
‘I’m not,’ he said, his voice choked. ‘I’m just upset. I still can’t believe that Dad has gone. That I’ll never, ever see him again. That Elodie won’t know him growing up. It all just makes me feel unbearably sad.’
I didn’t want to dwell on Peter’s absence from Elodie’s life, for reasons that Ben would never understand. ‘Well, she won’t know mine either, so we’re sort of even, aren’t we?’
‘Good
God, Bella, it’s not a competition!’
My mouth dropped open in shock. I couldn’t believe how insolent he was being. ‘I never said it was. Stop putting words into my mouth.’
Ben tutted and shook his head.
An unstoppable tidal wave of rage swept over me. ‘Don’t you dare tut at me! I’ve had just about enough of this shit!’
‘Well, that makes two of us!’
I didn’t remember doing it. I didn’t remember the glass leaving my hand. I just remember watching, as if from above, as the glass hit the wall above Ben’s head and exploded in a beautiful, iridescent shower of fragments. Then, as if in slow motion, I was pulling at his hair and pummelling his body with a strength that came from somewhere deep inside. Every blow seemed to encapsulate all my hurt at Peter’s betrayal.
Ben’s arms were up, as he tried to defend himself. ‘Stop it, Bella!’ he was yelling but I couldn’t hear him. It was as if I was underwater, with everything happening in muffled, slow motion.
Finally, I ran out of energy and stopped, aware that I was actually panting with the effort of it. My senses seemed to snap back into focus and I stared at him, cowering pathetically, before I turned on my heel and headed for the bathroom. I slammed the door and locked it, then perched on the edge of the bath, as I reached with shaking hands for the taps, and turned them on full.
I stared at my knuckles, which were red and already starting to bruise. I wasn’t sure what I had done. Had I injured him? Surely not. I was far too small to have inflicted any real damage on someone as big as him. I waited for the bath to fill, calming myself with deep breaths. I climbed into the frothy water and sank gratefully down into it, hardly daring to look at my hands, as I lathered soap all over my body.
After a few minutes, my heart had stopped racing and I was calm again. I relaxed back and closed my eyes, telling myself I must have imagined it. Maybe I had dropped off to sleep in the bath briefly and dreamed it? It seemed the most likely explanation.
I lay there for a while, until I felt calm, relaxed and rejuvenated. I stepped out of the bath and wrapped a towel around my body, and another one as a turban around my head. I rubbed at the steamed-up mirror so that I could see my reflection and smiled when I saw that I looked the same as usual. Nothing had happened, it was just a dream. At least, that’s what I was going to believe.
I unlocked the door and walked out into the hallway. I was about to go into the bedroom, when I became aware that Ben was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, watching me with a look of sheer terror in his eyes. ‘What are you doing standing there like that?’ I said, smiling warmly at him. ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost!’
Ben frowned, wrong-footed. ‘Bella, we really need to talk about what just happened.’ His voice was trembling and there was a flash of tears visible in his eyes.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. ‘What are you on about? Nothing happened.’
Ben shook his head incredulously. ‘You attacked me!’
‘No, I didn’t. Don’t be so ridiculous! As if someone the size of me could attack anyone, let alone a six-foot-two hulk like you. You must be having some kind of hallucination. Listen,’ I said, adopting a softer, more sympathetic tone of voice. ‘It’s been a long, stressful day – for both of us.’
Ben’s mouth dropped open and he winced slightly as I put my hand on his arm.
‘So why don’t we get an early night and try to put everything else to the back of our minds? Let’s remind ourselves why it’s just you and me that matters. We don’t need anyone else. It’s better when it’s just us.’
Ben gazed at me for a few seconds before he nodded slowly and allowed me to take his hand and lead him into the bedroom.
Part Three
Chapter Twenty-Eight
One Year Later
Jo stared at the screen of her mobile, willing it to spring into life with a reply from Ben. She would much rather have called than texted, so that she could at least hear his voice but she knew there was no point. Bella was obviously screening his calls, whether she rang the landline or the mobile.
Sighing as the screen stayed resolutely blank, Jo put the phone down and rested her forehead on the cool granite surface of the island worktop, as the heavy weight in her chest became just a tiny bit heavier. After a while, she looked up and stared out of the window, across the undulating green lawns, speckled with the first leaves of autumn, the sky a sulky shade of grey. She could almost hear her own breath echoing back at her from the four walls of the empty kitchen.
The pain of losing Peter was never far away and although she was beginning to learn how to survive without him, she sometimes thought it hurt more now than on the day he died. So many times, the grief assaulted her when she was least expecting it: she would start to dial his number automatically; or a diary entry would pop up on her phone for something he had put in as a yearly event; or she would put something in her basket at the supermarket that only he ever ate. Each time, it was like a punch in the face.
But she also knew that she would be coping far better if she hadn’t also lost Ben. He had all but disappeared from her life as soon as the funeral was over. He and Bella immediately pulled out of buying the beautiful house they had found nearby and had moved to Surrey instead, ‘to be near to Bella’s mother’, Ben had told her, sounding embarrassed. His words caused her heart to splinter just a tiny bit more.
Despite Bella’s prickliness, Jo had looked forward to them moving closer. She had imagined balmy summer days full of fun, when she would take Elodie off to the beach or for walks in the beautiful countryside, hoping that the little girl would be just the tonic she needed, to fill the void left by Peter. But those dreams were quickly buried, along with him.
Whenever Ben did call her these days, which wasn’t often, he was furtive and rushed, as if he was terrified that Bella might catch him doing something he shouldn’t. At first, he had been able to call her from work, but once they moved, Bella had insisted he give up his job to stay at home with Elodie, while she returned to her job in the city. Apparently, she had been promoted within the company, so wanted to focus on her career. Jo knew that Peter would have hated Ben giving up his job but she was pretty relaxed about it and proud that he was happy to be a house-husband for a while.
Thanks to Peter buying them a house, plus a large inheritance from his estate, Ben didn’t really need a salary, so he had acquiesced to Bella’s demands without any argument. Jo had barely seen Elodie since the funeral, except on FaceTime. When she tentatively invited them to spend Christmas with her, Ben’s eyes had widened in alarm and Jo knew that he was too scared to even broach the subject with Bella, so she had brushed it off with a nonchalant wave of the hand and a cheery, ‘Never mind!’ She didn’t want to do anything to put him in an awkward position with Bella.
The worry she felt for him was like rust gradually eating away at metal. He looked thin – too thin – and his eyes were clouded with anxiety. He had always had beautiful, soulful eyes that danced with mischief but now they just peered at her through the screen with a blank stare. He looked lonely, which she recognized all too well because she was lonely too.
Emma did her best to keep in touch as much as possible, but her job meant she was away travelling a lot and Jo didn’t want to burden her with her own worries and upset, so she put on a brave front whenever they spoke. Only when she came to visit could Jo really let her guard down and tell Emma how worried she was. They would sit across from each other, shaking their heads helplessly, as they tried to understand why Ben had allowed Bella to rent their family apart the way she had.
Jo took a deep breath and looked again at her stubbornly silent phone. Before she knew what she was doing, she was dialling Charlotte’s number.
‘Hi, Jo!’ Charlotte sounded a mixture of pleased and nervous. ‘Is everything OK?’
Tears sprang into Jo’s eyes at the sound of Charlotte’s sweet, lovely voice and for a moment she was too choked to speak.
‘Jo?’ Cha
rlotte prompted. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Oh, Charlotte!’ Jo burst into a torrent of terrifyingly powerful sobs that she couldn’t contain. Months of grief and sorrow came pouring out in an unstoppable wave.
‘Oh, Jo, what’s happened? Don’t worry, just take your time …’ Charlotte’s sympathetic tone and the warmth of her words caused Jo to cry even harder. It felt like so long since someone had shown her any kindness.
After a few moments, the worst of her sobs had subsided and she was able to speak through a succession of hiccups and gasps. ‘It’s Ben,’ she managed at last. ‘I’m so worried about him.’
There was a long beat of silence before Charlotte replied. ‘I know, Jo. We all are.’
Jo blinked away the last vestiges of tears, relieved at hearing someone else echo what she felt. ‘Really? I was sure it was just me.’
Charlotte sighed heavily. ‘No. Matt and Freya feel exactly the same. We never hear from him anymore. He’s like a ghost that just vanished overnight.’
Jo thought back to Peter’s words when talking about Bella: ‘She’s like a ghost that just appeared out of nowhere.’ And now Ben was like a ghost that just vanished overnight. There was some sort of irony in there somewhere. ‘It’s her,’ Jo said quietly.
‘I know. She’s managed to prise him away from everyone who loved him.’ Charlotte’s own voice wobbled. ‘I’m so sorry, Jo. This is all my fault!’
‘No!’ Jo shot back. ‘Of course it’s not. It’s her fault.’
‘But if I hadn’t been stupid enough to walk away from him, he would never have met her and we would be happily married by now, maybe even with our first baby …’ Her voice tailed off.
Jo closed her eyes for a moment, imagining what might have been. She knew, without even the tiniest of doubts, that Peter would still be alive. It was the stress of the situation with Bella that had caused his death, of that she was certain. ‘Well, there’s no point in thinking of what might have been, it doesn’t help anyone,’ she sighed.