by HC Warner
The phone rang, just as I was thinking of going to bed.
‘Ben?’ I said, wondering why he was calling, rather than just coming home. I hoped he hadn’t somehow found out what I’d been up to.
‘Yes.’ He sounded slightly tearful but not angry.
‘How is he?’
There was a weird pause and I could tell he was struggling to speak. My heart began to pound with alarm and I suddenly knew what he was going to say before he said it: ‘He’s dead. He died, Bella.’
‘What? Oh my God!’ I could barely breathe for shock. It just wasn’t possible. Peter was too young and fit to have died. My throat dried and a wave of genuine sorrow swept through my whole body, causing me to start shaking. ‘Jesus, I can’t believe it.’
‘I know. I’ve just arrived back at Mum and Dad’s—’ Ben stopped speaking abruptly.
There was a long silence as we both tried to digest what Ben had just said. For a fleeting moment, I wondered if he had found out the truth about me and Peter and was making it up to punish me but I dismissed it just as quickly. I could hear the raw grief in his voice.
‘Are you coming home?’ I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to stay away, so that I could process my own feelings without having to worry about him or comfort him in any way. I just didn’t have the strength to put on my usual Oscar-winning performance.
‘Not tonight,’ he replied and I exhaled with relief. ‘I need to stay here with Mum and Emma, to make sure they’re OK.’ Of course he did. His bloody mother would milk this for all it was worth, playing the grieving widow of a devoted husband and father. Only I knew the truth about him. Which was that he was about as far from devoted as it was possible to be. He was a liar and a cheat and a user, who had spent his whole life pretending to be something he wasn’t. But, despite all of that, I had loved the bastard.
‘Just look after Elodie and I’ll call you in the morning,’ Ben said, cutting through my thoughts.
‘OK,’ I whispered, before hanging up. I didn’t want to speak to Ben, or hear his voice for a second longer. I was stuck with him now and it had all been for nothing. He had served his purpose and been the perfect way to punish Peter for what he had done but I didn’t need him anymore and I certainly didn’t want him. The thought of him coming anywhere near me already made me feel physically sick and my mind raced with thoughts of how the hell I was going to get out of this mess I was in.
I switched on the coffee machine and waited impatiently for it to heat. I already knew that wouldn’t be sleeping a wink tonight so it wouldn’t matter if I made myself the strongest possible cup of coffee, to steady my nerves. I lifted the cup to my lips and flinched as the boiling liquid burnt my tongue. With a wail of pain and anguish, I flung the cup at the wall, smashing it and sending liquid exploding everywhere. ‘Screw you, Peter!’ I yelled. ‘Screw you!’
Chapter Twenty-Six
‘Hurry up, Bella!’ Ben yelled from the hallway. ‘We need to go!’
‘Piss off!’ I muttered at my reflection in the mirror of my dressing table. I was dreading today in so many ways. Ben was absolutely distraught about the death of his father and I was finding it increasingly difficult to be sympathetic to his grief. Every time he broke down or became maudlin, I just wanted to scream at him that it was worse for me.
I felt so many emotions towards Peter – anger, grief, love, hate and sometimes all of them at once. But the overriding emotion was disbelief. I still couldn’t accept that he had really gone.
Ben strapped Elodie into her car-seat and I climbed into the back beside her, not wanting to sit beside Ben or have to communicate in any way. He frowned at me in the rear-view mirror but said nothing. We had barely spoken since he came home the day after Peter’s death, which suited me just fine. We were both locked in our own intense thoughts and for my part, I didn’t want to risk letting anything slip. I knew I should try to comfort and support him but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything good, so decided it was best to say nothing. Ben probably thought I was feeling guilty about my behaviour towards Peter but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Elodie fell asleep almost immediately, as she always did in her car-seat, so the journey progressed in silence, with me staring out of the window, as the pretty Suffolk countryside rolled by.
We had had an offer accepted on a house less than a mile from Ben’s parents’ home. Peter had been true to his word and stumped up the extra cash, not that he had had much choice. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, when I thought we would be living so close to Peter. But now that it was going to be just Jo, I had no intention of going through with it. She drove me mad just seeing her once every few months. Her being on the doorstep would be a nightmare.
Ben pulled up on the gravel driveway and turned off the engine. As he did so, Elodie’s eyes popped wide open and she made herself jump with a giant hiccup. Ben and I both laughed and it broke the tension that had enveloped us for the whole journey. Ben hopped out and unstrapped her, lifting her out in one deft movement. I watched him tickling her for a moment before climbing out myself. He really did love her. How devastated he would be to know the truth, that he was her brother, not her father.
I put my arms out and took her from him, noting with satisfaction how she squealed with genuine delight when I lifted her up and blew raspberries on her belly. Ben couldn’t even make her laugh the way I could.
Jo opened the front door before we reached it and I was slightly taken aback by how diminished she looked. She wasn’t a big woman anyway, but she seemed to have shrunk into herself since I last saw her. Her eyes looked slightly glazed and there were dark shadows beneath them. She reached up to hug Ben and clung to him for a few seconds, as if she was hanging onto a lifebelt. As she released him, she gave me a cursory glance and attempted a half-smile. ‘Hello, Bella,’ she said, in what I thought was a very cold way.
I felt a creeping sense of unease. Usually, she would be excessively friendly, rather than offhand and distant. I wondered if she knew anything. Maybe Peter had confessed all on his deathbed, however unlikely that seemed. ‘Hello, Jo.’ I swallowed hard so that I could continue. ‘I’m sorry about Peter,’ I managed, distracting myself by gently rocking Elodie.
‘Thank you,’ Jo said, before turning away abruptly, without even so much as a glance at Elodie. I couldn’t believe that she could be so disinterested and looked at Ben in disgust, but he was already following his mum into the kitchen like an obedient puppy. So this was how today was going to be then, I thought murderously. Everyone fussing around Jo and pretty much ignoring Elodie and me.
I took a seat at the island with Elodie on my lap and watched as Emma bustled about, issuing orders and bossing everyone around, whilst preparing tea and coffee. She put a coffee in front of me without asking what I wanted or even acknowledging that I was there. I deliberately left it to go cold. Annoyingly, Elodie was as good as gold and sat quietly watching the goings-on without making even a whimper, which would have given me an excuse to leave.
Finally, we heard the cars arriving on the gravel driveway and my heart lurched. It was only now that it felt real for the first time. We all stood up and Jo reached for Ben’s arm.
‘Are you OK, Mum?’ he asked with a look of genuine concern, as we all began to walk down the hallway.
Jo nodded and gazed up at him with a wan smile. ‘Yes. My legs are just a bit wobbly, that’s all.’
Ben nodded and rubbed her hand tenderly.
At that moment, Elodie started to cry in my arms, no doubt unsettled by the tense, strange atmosphere. Ben turned back towards us. ‘Shhhh, don’t cry, sweetie,’ he whispered.
God, he was so wet sometimes. ‘She’s a baby, Ben,’ I snapped. ‘That’s what babies do!’
Ben looked hurt but didn’t reply and kept leading Jo out into the driveway where the hearse and the family car were waiting. We all stopped sharply at the sight of the coffin and my stomach dropped. He really was dead. Until this moment, I had felt
as if he might just be playing some kind of cruel trick, but seeing the coffin, decked with a simple bouquet of beautiful white lilies, put all doubt to one side. This was no trick. He was gone for ever.
As if reflecting all our thoughts, Ben let out a guttural moan, before putting his hand over his mouth. I thought about comforting him but he was holding Jo’s hand and I couldn’t see a way to break into their huddle, especially when Emma came and took hold of Jo’s other hand. Instead, I stood off to one side holding Elodie, aware that we were being deliberately excluded from this private family moment, which struck me as ironic.
They climbed into the car, which only had seats for the three of them. ‘What about Bella?’ I heard Jo say.
‘She’s driving our car so that she can put Elodie in the car-seat,’ Ben replied.
I stood watching them pointedly, until the hearse began to move off, when I climbed into our car and we drove in a slow convoy towards the church, which was less than a mile away. I imagined what they were talking about in the car in front of me and decided that they would no doubt be eulogizing Peter, gushing over what a saint he had been. If only they knew.
I was slightly surprised that he was being buried and having a church service at all, as he had never struck me as the religious type but I reasoned that it just showed what a great actor he had been. Not unlike myself, I thought ruefully, as we pulled up in front of a large crowd of mourners outside the church. I wondered vaguely how many of the assembled throng knew what Peter was really like.
Again, no one seemed to give much thought to Elodie and me, as Ben helped Jo and Emma out of the car and led the way towards the church doorway. He stopped abruptly as someone stepped forward from the crowd to hug him. I narrowed my eyes, as I realized it was Matt. I might have known they’d be here. I stepped back slightly and pretended to attend to Elodie, in order to avoid having to talk to them. Just then, Freya and another woman walked over to Jo and Emma, embracing them both. ‘I’m so sorry,’ the woman said, taking Jo’s hand in hers. ‘You must feel so lost without him. I know how much you loved him.’
‘Thank you, Charlie,’ Jo gushed, gripping her hand tightly. I watched out of the corner of my eye. Ah. So this was the famous Charlotte. She was slimmer than I thought she’d be and she wasn’t unattractive but, a bit like Freya, she wasn’t exactly a head-turner, either. She certainly wasn’t in my league.
‘I don’t even know where to begin,’ Jo whined on. ‘I already miss him so, so much. I feel so alone.’
‘I know, I really do,’ Charlotte told her earnestly. She sounded every bit as wet as Ben. It wasn’t much wonder they had been together for so long. ‘But you have Ben and Emma and they will be there for you. You aren’t alone, I promise you.’
Jo nodded. ‘Thank you for coming, Charlie, it means a lot.’ I resisted the urge to stamp my foot. She had barely said hello to Elodie and me, yet she couldn’t fawn over Ben’s stupid ex enough.
Charlotte shook her head. ‘We all loved Peter. There is no way we wouldn’t have been here today.’ Ugh. I wasn’t surprised she had got on so well with Jo. She was nauseating.
‘Please make sure you sit with us at the front. We’d all appreciate it.’ I could have sworn Jo’s voice became a little bit louder, to make sure that I would hear.
‘Are you sure?’ Charlotte replied uncertainly, her eyes flickering towards Elodie and me. ‘We wouldn’t want to take anyone else’s seat …’
‘No, Mum’s right,’ said Ben, appearing at their side. ‘You should sit with us. It would help, especially Emma,’ he added, gesturing towards Emma, who was wailing away and being comforted by one of her relatives.
‘OK,’ Charlotte said, before stepping back. ‘We’ll see you in there.’
A swell of indignation and anger swept through me, so strongly that I contemplated not going into the church at all. How dare they! They were behaving as if I wasn’t even there. At that moment, I truly felt pure hatred for both Jo and Ben.
It was quite a small country church and it was already packed by the time we took our seats in the front pew. Ben reached out to take my hand as I sat down beside him, but I snatched it away and pointedly wrapped both arms around Elodie instead. Jo sat between Ben and a weeping Emma, with Charlotte on Emma’s other side, rubbing her back to comfort her.
Charlotte had tried to meet my eye but I refused to look in her direction. I had absolutely no interest in making any kind of connection with her and I also avoided looking at Matt and Freya, who were in the row behind her. We all knew where we stood after their last visit to our flat, so I didn’t see any point in pretending to be civil.
Suddenly, the organ music changed and the church was filled with the sound of singing. Only then did I realize how many people were there, filling the aisles and any available spaces. Peter had clearly been very popular. I glanced around me, wondering idly how many of the women present had also succumbed to his charms.
When the vicar invited Ben to give the eulogy, he stood up shakily and made his way to the lectern. After swallowing several times, he started to speak in a trembling voice. ‘My dad was my best friend,’ he began. ‘He never, ever let me down and was always there when I needed him.’ I stared straight ahead, resolutely resisting the urge to yell out that his father had let him down in ways that were unimaginable.
‘And I honestly don’t know how any of us are going to cope with losing him.’ Tears rolled down his cheeks and when he opened his mouth to speak again, he emitted a loud sob, before breaking down completely. To my surprise, I felt the tears welling up in my own eyes, not out of sympathy for Ben but because I felt sorry for myself. Why the hell did Peter have to die?
Matt stood up and walked calmly towards the altar. I watched him with a murderous glare. Trust him to act like the conquering hero. ‘Would you like me to continue for you?’ he asked Ben, who was weeping like a baby.
Ben nodded, so Matt took the paper he was holding and read the eulogy without faltering. When he had finished, they looked at each other and Ben mouthed, ‘thank you’ as the two of them walked back to their seats.
I looked down, unable to meet Ben’s eye or offer him any kind of comfort. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ he whispered, as he sat back down. ‘I just couldn’t do it.’
‘I know, darling, we all understand,’ she replied, taking his hand in hers. She didn’t let go for the rest of the service. At the end, we all filed out, with everyone ignoring Elodie and me. It was as if we were invisible. I stood off to one side and watched, as the mourners fussed around Jo, offering her their condolences. Yet again, I thought about how much trouble I could cause with just a few words.
Matt, Freya and Charlotte all came out together. Matt tried to catch my eye but I pretended not to see and focused on Elodie instead.
Jo reached out and gave Matt a hug. ‘Thank you so much for helping Ben, Matt. It means the world to us.’
Matt hugged her back. ‘We’ll always be here for him, Jo. And for you and Emma, too. Don’t ever forget that.’
He had pointedly not mentioned me and was speaking loud enough for me to hear. I smiled inwardly. He wouldn’t be having anything to do with me in future, so I couldn’t have cared less.
The burial was supposed to be family only, so the plan was for Ben, Jo and Emma to go in the funeral car and I would again drive Elodie in our car. But as I started the engine and prepared to follow the cortege, I changed my mind. I had no desire to see Peter lowered into a hole in the ground and I didn’t think it was appropriate for Elodie, either. So instead, I turned off the road and took a detour past the house Ben and I were supposed to be buying.
It was a grand, elegant, Georgian building, set back from the road behind well-kept hedging, with a large, beautifully landscaped garden. It would have been a gorgeous place for Elodie to grow up but now that Peter had gone, there didn’t seem to be any point in moving to somewhere so close to his mum. She would no doubt want to be hanging around with us all the time, getting on my nerves and interfering wi
th Elodie. She wasn’t even related to her, not that she had any idea about that, of course.
A large number of people had gathered back at the house by the time I arrived. Ben came over as we walked in. ‘Are you OK, darling? I was worried about you.’
I nodded, aware that people were watching. ‘Yes. Sorry I didn’t come to the burial – it’s just that Elodie had fallen asleep and I didn’t think it was wise to wake her.’
Ben nodded but I could tell that he didn’t believe me. ‘Oh, OK. Would you like a drink?’
I glanced at the glass of red wine in his hand. ‘Um, well, actually maybe I will … I’ll have a red wine.’
I could see the panic flare up in his eyes. ‘Really? But you don’t drink alcohol.’
‘I know. It’s just that it’s been such a stressful day, I think maybe I will for a change. Oh, you haven’t been drinking yourself, have you?’
Ben frowned and handed me his glass reluctantly. ‘No. Well, just a couple of sips. I thought you might drive, given the circumstances.’
I raised my eyebrows. ‘I think, given the circumstances, it might be best if you don’t drink today. It’ll make you all maudlin. And anyway,’ I added, taking a long sip of wine, which tasted revolting. ‘I’ve done enough driving around for one day.’
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I finally persuaded Ben to leave, although he was reluctant. He hadn’t wanted to leave Jo. He started the car, then turned back towards her, standing on the doorstep, looking all forlorn. ‘Should we stay? I feel bad leaving her.’
I had no intention of staying a moment longer than we had to. I gave him my fiercest scowl. ‘No. She’ll be fine. We need to get Elodie home.’
After another brief hesitation, Ben finally drove away, looking as though he might break down at any moment. I waited for him to ask me how the day had been for me but he didn’t speak at all. I decided that he was sulking because I had made him drive. He was so selfish sometimes. I gave a huge sigh.