She

by HC Warner

  Charlotte nodded her understanding. Leaving wasn’t an easy option, if it meant being parted from his child. And Bella was definitely the type to use the child as a weapon ‘OK,’ she sighed, once more standing up. ‘But Ben, will you promise to call me anytime you feel unsafe? I’m only ten minutes away and I will be there for you whenever you need me.’

  Ben nodded but Charlotte noticed that he didn’t promise anything. ‘And could you try to visit your mum one day? Even if it was just while Bella was at work – maybe she doesn’t even have to know? It would mean the world to Jo. And I think it would mean the world to you, too, wouldn’t it?’

  Ben kissed the top of Elodie’s head and looked up at Charlotte with a tired smile. ‘I’ll try.’

  Charlotte knew he wouldn’t do it but at least she had given it her best shot. ‘Well, as I said, call me anytime, day or night.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Ben leaned in and whispered something into Elodie’s ear. ‘’Bye ’bye!’ Elodie shouted, waving frantically at Charlotte.

  Charlotte waved back, as she walked away, wishing she could scoop the two of them up and take them home with her. ‘’Bye ’bye, Elodie. Goodbye, Ben.’

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  I picked up my bag from under my desk and walked out of my office, just as Marcus was emerging from his. ‘You off home?’ he said, gesturing towards my bag.

  I nodded. ‘Yes. Promised I’d be home in time to put the little one to bed.’

  Marcus smiled. ‘I always make sure mine are fast asleep by the time I get home, so I don’t have to do any of that.’

  I raised my eyebrows. ‘Why doesn’t that surprise me? Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Yes, see you tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, did you get a speak to Leo Fox?’

  ‘Yes, everything’s fine,’ I assured him breezily, as I left the office and closed the door behind me with a sigh of relief. I had called Leo this morning and told him I’d had a change of heart, suggesting we meet at lunchtime instead.

  ‘Well, I’ve got a lunch in the diary but I can definitely move it,’ Leo drawled and I could picture him smiling lasciviously. I got a cab to his flat to find him already waiting. I put my hand up to knock on his door but it opened before my knuckles could make contact with the wood and he pulled me inside.

  Before I had a chance to catch my breath, he had pushed me up against the wall and lifted my skirt. I was naked underneath, which is how I knew he liked it, so he slammed straight into me and thrust hard and fast until he came with an almighty groan, matched only by own breathless gasping.

  Feeling stunned and with a growing knot in my stomach, I pulled down my skirt and exhaled as I looked up at him. My legs were shaking but for once with Leo, it had nothing to do with his sexual prowess.

  Leo smiled and ran his finger down the side of my face, with the air of a lion contemplating its prey. ‘You see? You don’t want to give this up, do you?’

  ‘No,’ I admitted, truthfully. Sex with Leo was unpredictable, dangerous, exciting and addictive. But increasingly, he also scared me slightly and his reaction to me trying to cool things off had planted a seed of doubt that I knew could only grow.

  There was no way out of this. If I stopped seeing him, he had made it clear that he could make serious trouble for me at work. Yes, it would cause problems for him, too, but I didn’t trust that he wasn’t volatile enough to risk it. And worse, I didn’t trust him not to cause problems for me at home, by telling Ben the truth about Elodie. I had to do everything I could to keep him sweet.

  Leo bent down and kissed me. ‘That was so much more fun than the boring lunch I had lined up. Let’s do it again tomorrow. I’ll make it a bit longer next time and we can make use of my new … toys,’ he finished, with a dangerous gleam in his eye.

  I hesitated, guessing what toys he was referring to, as our relationship had been growing increasingly sadomasochistic, before nodding. ‘Sure.’ It was the only possible answer I could give, if I wanted to keep the status quo.

  As I caught the train home to Surrey, I gazed unseeingly out of the window at the wild rolling countryside, wondering how I had managed to get myself into this mess. I was married to a man I despised but needed to look after my child, and having fantastic, erotic sex with one that I also needed physically but who scared me. While the one man I loved and desired above any other, was dead and buried.

  I knew that there was absolutely no future with Leo and I didn’t want there to be. He wouldn’t be interested in being a father to Elodie, or even being a faithful husband. I was well aware of the old adage that when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy. I wasn’t even sure he considered me his mistress. He was handsome, dynamic and filthy rich, so he could have his pick of women and it gave me a secret thrill that it was me he seemingly wanted. Even if it was only for sex.

  I thought about Ben, waiting for me at home with Elodie. He was the complete opposite of Leo. He was nervous, drippy and weak. But he was a good father and there was no doubting his devotion to Elodie. I imagined for the millionth time what it would do to him to discover the truth and knew for certain that it would crucify him. I had to do everything I could to make sure he never found out. If that meant that I had to keep seeing Leo on the quiet, then so be it. At least I would get something out of it.

  The skies were darkening by the time I drove home from the station. I hated autumn. I always had. I think it was because it was autumn when my dad disappeared from my life and ever since, I had associated it with misery and gloom. There was nothing to look forward to for months on end, until spring arrived, bringing with it the promise of new beginnings and sunshine.

  As I let myself into the house, I could hear Ben and Elodie in the kitchen. She was chattering away at top volume, while Ben would chip in occasionally with a ‘hmmm’, or a ‘wow’ whenever she drew breath.

  They both looked up as I walked in – Elodie with a wide, delighted smile that revealed the remnants of her boiled egg tea and Ben with a wary one. I walked over to Elodie’s high-chair and scooped her up, covering her face in kisses and savouring the smell of her silky hair. Then I carried her over to Ben and kissed him on the cheek.

  ‘You’re home early. That’s twice in a row.’ He briefly touched the back of his head as he spoke and I knew he was thinking about last night.

  Our eyes locked for a moment, before I looked away, not wanting to feel irritated by his fearful expression. God, anyone would think I was some kind of monster. ‘Yes, I’m missing Elodie so much at the moment for some reason … I thought it would be lovely to get home and see her in time for bath and bed.’

  I dropped down onto one of the kitchen chairs and pulled Elodie in for a cuddle. She put her thumb into her mouth and curled her little body into me so sweetly that it made my heart constrict. I felt such a wave of love for her that for a second, I imagined what it would be like if it was just the two of us and I gave up work to look after her.

  Money wasn’t ever going to be an issue, so it was a possibility. But at the same time as the thought passed through my head, I also considered how bored I’d be, with my only job trying to keep a child permanently entertained, with no Leo to break up the monotony. No, that wasn’t ever going to happen, however much I adored her.

  ‘How was your day, then?’ I looked up at Ben, who was starting to prepare dinner. ‘You weren’t in when I called.’ I had tried calling several times but there had been no answer on the home phone. It always annoyed me hugely when I called and they weren’t in and we had rowed about it many times in the past.

  I saw Ben’s shoulder tense. ‘Oh. No, we were out, sorry about that. We went to the park. Then into town to get a few bits of shopping.’

  ‘Was the park fun?’ I asked Elodie, who was starting to fidget on my lap.

  She nodded vigorously. ‘Horsey.’

  Ah yes, I remembered now. There were loads of great rides in that park but the only one she liked was a boring little rocking horse. Once she was on it, it was al
most impossible to get her off. Any thoughts of me staying home full-time to look after her evaporated instantly.

  ‘Charlie,’ Elodie added, looking up at me as if I would know what she was talking about.

  ‘Charlie?’ I replied, already losing interest. ‘Is that the name of your little horse?’

  Elodie frowned dramatically and shook her head. ‘No!’ she cried. ‘Silly Mummy.’

  I wouldn’t have thought anything of her words, if I hadn’t seen Ben’s head shoot up out of the corner of my eye. I glanced up at him curiously. He seemed to be holding his breath and his whole body was frozen. ‘Who’s Charlie, then?’ I asked Elodie, as casually as I could.

  She slid off my lap onto the floor and walked over to Ben, wrapping her arms around his leg and leaning against him nonchalantly, as he remained stock-still. ‘Daddy friend Charlie.’ She nodded slightly, pleased with her little speech. She was a brilliant talker for her age. She said her first words at just 8 months and hadn’t stopped gabbling since.

  There was a long, tense silence as I waited for Ben to correct her or clarify what she had said but he didn’t. He just stood with his back to me, staring out of the kitchen window. I could see his reflection in the dusky light and he looked eerily pale. ‘Is Charlie a regular visitor?’ I asked eventually, trying to keep the quiver of anger out of my voice. I couldn’t believe that she had been here, in my house. That he had kept it a secret from me.

  Ben took a deep, shuddery breath, before turning reluctantly to face me. ‘No. It was the first time. I didn’t know she was coming.’

  There was a whiny, pleading tone to his voice that seemed to ignite the spark of fury within me again. ‘Don’t fucking lie to me, Ben! What sort of an idiot do you take me for?’

  Ben’s eyes widened and he automatically reached down to touch Elodie, who was scowling at me crossly. ‘Don’t shout, Mummy!’ she ordered, with a stern wag of her finger.

  I hesitated. Elodie had never seen us fight before. I was usually very careful to protect her from it but it was as if a red mist had descended and I couldn’t do anything to control it. ‘Shut up!’ I snapped. ‘If I want to shout, I will! Come on, Elodie, let’s get you bathed before dinner and then Daddy and I can finish our conversation.’ I threw him a meaningful look, before taking Elodie’s hand and pulling her towards the door.

  ‘Daddy bath me!’ she whined, twisting back towards Ben and trying to pull her hand away from mine.

  ‘No!’ I bent down and scooped her up into my arms, where she wriggled and writhed.

  I tightened my grip, to stop her moving and to get a firmer hold. ‘Ow!’ she wailed, bursting into tears.

  I looked up at Ben, who was gaping back at me in horror. ‘I’ll bath her,’ he said quietly, reaching out his arms.

  ‘No,’ I insisted. ‘I’ve come home early especially to bath her, so that’s what I’m going to bloody well do!’

  I stomped out of the room with Elodie in my arms, by now almost hysterical. I managed to get her up the stairs to the bedroom, where I half threw her onto the bed.

  ‘Now, come on, darling,’ I soothed, wiping away a sheen of sweat from my forehead. ‘Mummy’s sorry for shouting, I’m just very, very tired.’ I sat down on the bed and stroked her hair. Gradually, her sobs subsided, leaving her hiccupping as she looked up at me warily, sucking furiously on her thumb. ‘It’s OK, sweetie. Come on, let’s get you into that lovely bath. Do you know how to run it? Because I’ve forgotten …’

  Immediately, Elodie’s face melted into a smile and she nodded drowsily. ‘I do it,’ she murmured sweetly, her tears seemingly forgotten.

  Once she was bathed, I took her into her room, where I dressed her in her pyjamas and lay her gently into bed. She gazed up at me with an expression of such innocence and pure love that my eyes filled. I reached down and stroked my thumb from the bridge of her nose to the tip, like I used to do when she was a tiny baby. Immediately, her eyes began to droop shut. I smiled to myself, pleased that my little trick still worked. ‘I love you,’ I whispered, before tiptoeing out of the room.

  At the top of the stairs I paused, needing to regain my composure before confronting Ben. From somewhere in the distance, possibly the garden, I could hear Ben’s voice. My antennae crackled. He was speaking too quietly to hear what was being said but it didn’t take much to figure out who he was on the phone to.

  I crept down the stairs and into the kitchen. By now it was completely dark outside but the kitchen door was swinging open and I could see Ben talking into his mobile, while pacing up and down the patio. I walked to the window and looked out at him pointedly, my arms folded and my lips pursed.

  He was so engrossed in his conversation that he didn’t see me at first but when he finally glanced up and spotted me, he froze in shock. After a moment, he hung up his phone and walked stiffly towards the kitchen door, looking like a lamb to the slaughter.

  He took as long as possible closing and locking the door behind him, before trudging towards the table, where he slumped down with a weary sigh. I remained standing. ‘So?’ I tilted my head expectantly.

  Ben closed his eyes for a second before looking up to meet mine. He took a deep breath. ‘Look, Charlie just turned up here this morning … I didn’t invite her.’

  I smiled incredulously. ‘Really? You expect me to believe that you haven’t seen her or spoken to her since the funeral and yet she appears one morning, as if by magic, in our house?’

  ‘She wasn’t in our house.’ Ben sighed and ran his hands through his hair in a way that reminded me of Peter. ‘She was waiting in her car outside and I spotted her as we went to the park.’

  ‘So, she’s stalking you? God, what a pathetic cow.’ I couldn’t keep the disbelief out of my voice. I was tempted to tell him that she was welcome to him, if I wasn’t so reliant on him myself.

  Ben flushed and I saw a flash of anger in his eyes. ‘No! She … well, she’d been asked by mum.’ He paused and dropped his eyes briefly, before looking up again. ‘And Matt and Freya …’

  I tutted and screwed up my face in disgust. Why couldn’t they just back off and let us get on with our lives?

  Ben swallowed. ‘To make sure that I was OK. They were worried about me, apparently.’

  ‘Jesus, you’re not 4 years old! Why can’t they just mind their own bloody business and leave us alone!’

  Ben half-nodded. ‘Well, I told her I was fine and she left. I don’t think she’ll be visiting again anytime soon.’

  I frowned. ‘But Elodie saw her, so she must have come to the park with you?’

  ‘Yes, but I figured you’d probably prefer that to me inviting her in here!’

  ‘You could have told her to fuck off home! I’d have preferred that most of all!’

  Ben shook his head. ‘Yes, because that would have gone down well with my mum, wouldn’t it?’

  ‘Who cares what your mum thinks? I certainly don’t.’

  Ben’s eyes filled with tears, making me grit my teeth with annoyance. ‘Actually, I care, Bella. I miss her. I’d like to see her. And take Elodie to visit her.’ I could tell that he was summoning up all the courage he could muster and he was becoming more emboldened with each word.

  ‘No!’ I fixed him with what I hoped was my sternest expression. ‘We don’t need anyone else, Ben. It’s better when it’s just the three of us.’

  He gave a small, mirthless laugh. ‘It’s not just the three of us, though, is it? There’s four of us, if you include your lover …’

  I couldn’t believe that he was being so insolent. ‘Don’t even try that one, Ben! Anyway, I’ve told him I can’t see him anymore.’ Practised though I was at lying, I could feel myself reddening as I spoke.

  ‘Until the next time, anyway,’ Ben muttered under his breath.

  I didn’t want to do it. I had vowed to myself not to hurt him again but I just felt such an inexplicable rage boil up inside me that I couldn’t help it. I lurched forward and grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling an
d twisting as hard as I could, so that he was forced onto his knees on the floor.

  ‘Bella!’ he cried, trying to squirm his way out of my grasp. ‘You’re hurting me! Stop it! Please!’

  He looked so pathetic, kneeling on the floor and begging me to let go, that all my anger drained away at once. I released the clump of hair I was holding, slightly shocked by how much hair remained in my hand. Then I stepped back and looked down at him with my lip curled. ‘Don’t ever question me, Ben! OK?’

  He didn’t reply, so I stretched out my leg and tilted his chin up with my foot. ‘I said, OK?’

  Ben nodded, holding his breath. His eyes were glassy with tears. I dropped my foot and put my hand on my hips. ‘Who were you on the phone to?’

  He blinked several times before replying. ‘Charlie.’ His voice was barely audible.

  ‘I thought so. What were you saying?’

  Again, he blinked quickly, as if trying to think of an answer. ‘She called me.’

  ‘Liar!’ I spat.

  ‘I’m not lying, really I’m not!’ He got up off the floor and sat back on his chair. ‘She just wanted to let me know that she had told my mum everything was fine but asked if I could go to see her sometime. She said she’s very lonely and she’s desperate to see Elodie.’

  ‘Hmmm. Well, I don’t want you having anything to do with your ex-girlfriend. If she calls again, tell her to fuck off!’

  ‘OK, fine, I will. But …’ Ben paused again, then looked up with that annoying, pleading expression of his. ‘What about going to see Mum? I really think I should.’

  I didn’t want him to. And I certainly didn’t want Elodie to, but I had already broken my vow to myself that I wouldn’t hurt him again, so I was feeling generous. ‘OK. But you’re going alone. I’m not coming with you. And only for one night.’

  I thought I saw a wave of relief pass over his face but decided to ignore it.