by HC Warner
Ben nodded. ‘Great. Thank you, Bella.’
I scowled at his overly gushy tone, making me sound like some kind of tyrannical bitch. ‘But no more furtive calls with your saddo ex-girlfriend, OK? She needs to leave you alone and move on with her own life.’
Ben nodded his agreement eagerly. ‘Yes, yes, of course.’
God, he was like a puppy, grateful for not being kicked again. Actually, now I thought about it, the idea of a night by myself was quite appealing. I could stay over with Leo for a change, instead of always having to run off home or back to work. ‘And don’t be making up any stories about what a big, bad wolf I am, either.’
Ben bit his lip.
‘Because I’ll find out if you do,’ I added, adopting my most menacing tone. ‘And I won’t be very happy.’
‘Don’t worry,’ he attempted a smile, ‘I won’t tell her anything.’
‘Good, because there’s nothing to tell, is there?’
‘No.’
‘Right, well you’d better get on and finish making my dinner,’ I said, heading out of the kitchen. ‘I’m going to have a bath. Let me know when it’s ready.’
Ben leaped up, already so much more energized. I pressed Leo’s number as I walked up the stairs.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Ben waited until she had safely left for work before he packed. He didn’t want her to criticize or comment on what he was taking. ‘Remember what I said – don’t be telling any lies about me!’ she threw over her shoulder, as she walked out of the door.
Ben exhaled with relief as he watched her car pulling out of the drive, still not quite daring to believe that she was actually letting him go. He sensed that she might have an ulterior motive that involved Leo, but right now he didn’t care. If that was the price he had to pay for seeing his mum, then so be it.
He shook his head, remembering her instruction to him not to tell any lies about her. He’d be doing nothing BUT telling lies for the next twenty-four hours. He’d be making out that he was fulfilled and happy and that his life wasn’t an absolute misery. He’d be hiding the fact that he was married to a woman who thought nothing of punching him, kicking him or – her current favourite – pulling his hair, if he committed any sort of minor transgression that provoked her fury. Sometimes, she just seemed to be in the mood for a fight, so she would pick an argument just to provide her with an excuse for lashing out.
Yes, he thought, as he loaded Elodie and their bags into the car, it was telling the truth that he needed to avoid.
‘See Granny!’ Elodie chirped excitedly from the back seat.
Ben looked at her in the rear-view mirror and smiled. ‘Yes, you are, sweetheart. And about time, too,’ he muttered under his breath.
‘’Bout time too!’ she parroted and Ben made a mental note to be careful what he said and did in front of her, now that she was able to repeat any conversations that she overheard.
The two-hour journey seemed to take an eternity. Now that they were finally going, Ben was physically aching to get there as quickly as possible and every traffic hold-up had him clenching his teeth with anxiety.
Finally, they pulled onto the old, familiar gravel driveway. Ben lifted Elodie out of her car-seat and gazed up at the beautiful sandstone façade of the house where he’d grown up. Even before stepping inside, he had the feeling that it had changed a great deal in the time since he was last here. It looked slightly tired and a bit sorry for itself, much like his mum who, at that very moment, opened the door and ran out to greet them.
‘Oh, my darlings!’ she cried, her cheeks already damp with tears. ‘It is so good to see you!’ She crouched down so that she was at eye-level with Elodie. ‘Hello, you little poppet!’ She threw her arms wide so that Elodie could step into her embrace and pulled her into a tight hug. ‘You are so, so pretty!’
Elodie beamed, but had a sudden bout of shyness and pulled away, before gripping Ben’s leg and pressing her face into his thigh. There was a fleeting glimmer of sadness in Jo’s eyes before she recovered herself and stood up to hug Ben. She held him tightly for several seconds and Ben was momentarily overcome by the familiar, soapy smell of her hair and the light, citrusy scent that she had worn for as long as he could remember. ‘Hello, my darling boy,’ she murmured, before pulling away and holding him at arm’s length, where she looked at him appraisingly. ‘You look thin.’
Ben smiled ruefully. ‘So do you, Mum.’ It was true. Although Jo had always been slim, she had still had a curvy figure and cute apple cheeks. Now, the curves were gone and her cheekbones were razor-sharp. It aged her.
Jo smiled and Ben was struck by the fact that her eyes no longer shone the way they used to. It was like a light had gone out. ‘Well, it’s a good job I’ve bought enough food to fatten a family of ten then, isn’t it? We can both work on putting on some weight while you’re here. Come on in!’
Ben took Elodie’s hand and led her up the steps and through the front door. As soon as they stepped over the threshold, Ben stopped abruptly, as a wall of grief, triggered by a lifetime of memories, threatened to overwhelm him.
Jo, who was walking ahead of them along the hallway, turned and looked at him in concern. ‘What’s the matter, Ben? Are you OK?’
Ben shook his head, the urge to cry was unstoppable but he didn’t want to alarm Elodie. Jo seemed to understand and reached out her hand. ‘Hey, Elodie, do you want to see what sweeties I’ve got especially for you?’
Elodie immediately dropped Ben’s hand and took Jo’s, before toddling happily with her into the kitchen, all shyness forgotten with the promise of sweets.
Ben took several deep breaths but there was no stopping the torrent of tears that had been lying dormant, waiting for their moment to fall. He crouched down and put his hands over his face, letting the grief for his father that he had never really acknowledged, had never been allowed to acknowledge, finally pour out.
After a while, he felt steady enough to stand. He stumbled into the cloakroom and leaned over the sink, where he splashed his hot face with soothing cold water and washed away the last vestiges of tears. He looked up and gazed at himself in the mirror, imagining how he must look through his mum’s eyes. He had certainly changed a lot physically, since the last time he was here for his father’s funeral.
Thinking about it now, it was as if Peter’s death had unleashed something in Bella that was impossible to even identify. Yes, she had been controlling and difficult before then, but for the most part, he had felt happy with her. The good times still outweighed the bad back then. Now, she seemed to hate and despise him, but still wanted to keep him under her control. It didn’t make any sense. Why had Peter’s death triggered such a darkness within her?
He wiped his face with a towel and, satisfied that he had regained his composure, he joined Jo and Elodie in the kitchen.
Elodie was sitting up on the island while Jo displayed an array of different sweets she had bought, like a waiter proudly presenting the best dessert trolley. ‘Dat one!’ Elodie cried delightedly, jiggling up and down as she pointed to the packet of Percy Pigs, which were her favourite sweets.
Jo opened the bag and held one aloft. ‘Open wide … Percy’s heading for Elodie’s tummy!’ Then she pretended to fly the candy pig through the air, before popping it into Elodie’s waiting, open mouth.
Ben smiled and walked over to join them. He sat on a bar stool and watched contentedly as they demolished half the packet of sweets, Elodie giggling between mouthfuls, then moved on to discussing what they were going to cook for dinner. ‘Want bread!’ Elodie yelled, clearly sensing that she could demand just about anything from Jo and it would be granted.
‘Then bread you shall have!’ Jo replied. She scooped Elodie down off the island. ‘But first, shall we go and play with some toys I’ve found for you?’
Ben followed as Jo led Elodie into the adjoining sitting room, where there was an assortment of old toys spread out, some of which he vaguely remembered from his childhood. E
lodie bumped down onto the rug and was immediately engrossed in playing with an old Fisher Price schoolhouse.
Ben put his arm around Jo’s frail shoulders as they watched her, already feeling the tension he had been bottling up for so long seeping out of his body. ‘Was that mine?’ he asked, nodding towards the schoolhouse.
Jo nodded. ‘You got it for your second birthday. You wanted a doll’s house but we weren’t very progressive back then, so I got you this instead. I knew there was a good reason for keeping it all, not that I could ever have thrown it out, anyway. Your dad thought I was mad.’
Ben smiled at the wistful fondness in her voice. ‘You must miss him.’
‘God, you’ve got no idea how much! It’s funny … he wasn’t a loud person but the house is so, so quiet without him.’
Ben nodded. ‘I bet.’
‘That’s why it’s such a tonic to have you here, Ben’ – she looked down at Elodie, still happily arranging the desks and chairs and sitting the little characters on them – ‘to have you both here. Obviously I love speaking to you on FaceTime but it’s not the same, is it?’
‘No,’ Ben agreed. ‘Shall we have a cup of tea? We can still keep an eye on Elodie from the kitchen, not that she’ll even notice we’ve moved.’ He smiled indulgently at Elodie, who seemed transfixed by her new toy.
Jo scurried back into the kitchen and made two mugs of tea. She put them on the island and perched opposite Ben. ‘So how are you, darling? How are you coping with everything?’
Ben took a sip of his tea, which was exactly how he loved it – strong, not much milk and very hot. It struck him that he couldn’t remember Bella ever making him a cup of tea. It was always the other way round. ‘I’m OK, Mum. Look, I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you. It’s …’ he paused, wondering how much to say. ‘It’s difficult sometimes.’
‘Bella doesn’t like me.’ Jo’s voice was flat with resignation.
Ben sighed. ‘To be fair, Bella doesn’t really know you. But she has … well, I guess you’d say she has issues. I don’t know for sure because she never talks about it, but probably relating to her childhood and her dad, I think. She needs to feel in control … When other people are in the picture, it makes her feel unsettled and insecure. She just wants the three of us to be in our own little cocoon, I suppose.’ He thought back to the night when he had suggested that there were four of them in that cocoon, if you included Bella’s lover, and the rage it had provoked in her. The memory made him shudder.
‘And what about you? Is that what you want?’ There was a deep frown line between Jo’s eyebrows, as she gazed at him intently.
Ben chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought about what to say. ‘I want Elodie to feel secure. To have two parents in her life.’ He took a sip of tea to buy him some thinking time. He was struggling to answer the question without giving away that he had absolutely no choice in the matter. What he wanted was irrelevant – Bella had always made that perfectly clear. ‘So in order to maintain the status quo, I’ve learned that it’s probably best to go along with what Bella wants, rather than causing an argument. It’s just not worth the hassle that follows.’
‘Hassle’ was such an inappropriately lightweight word to describe what happened when he put a foot out of line. For a moment, he imagined the delicious relief of telling Jo everything, but it would cause her unimaginable worry and he couldn’t bear to hurt her any more. The pain of not seeing them very often wasn’t a fraction of what she’d feel if she knew the reality of his day-to-day life.
Jo dropped her gaze and looked into her mug. Ben could see that her lip was quivering. ‘I can cope with not seeing you …’ she began, choosing her words carefully. ‘But only if I think you’re happy.’ She looked back up and met Ben’s eye. ‘Are you happy, Ben?’
Ben’s eyes filled with tears, which he blinked away in frustration. Why were his emotions on such a hair-trigger all the time? Bella was right. He had become so incredibly wet, even to himself.
‘I think you’ve just answered my question.’ Jo watched him sadly, shaking her head with a helpless expression.
‘No!’ Ben cut in quickly. ‘No, I’m just feeling a bit emotional being back here for the first time since Dad … well, since the funeral.’ He couldn’t bring himself to use the word ‘died’. ‘Honestly, for the most part, Mum, I am happy. I mean, no one’s happy all the time, are they?’
As he spoke, he wondered when he last had truly felt happy. With a start, he realized that it was when he was still with Charlotte. Even on what should have been the happiest days with Bella, such as Elodie’s birth, there was always an undercurrent of tension that meant he was constantly treading on eggshells, in case he stepped onto the invisible trip-wire that would set her off.
‘Charlie doesn’t think you’re happy.’ Jo’s voice cut through his thoughts. ‘She’s really worried about you, Ben. We all are. Matt, Freya, Emma …’
Ben looked up at Jo again. ‘I wasn’t happy the day that Charlie paid us a visit. She laid it on pretty thick about you being so lonely and it made me feel terrible, to think that you had all been discussing me behind my back.’
Jo smiled wryly. ‘We’d have discussed you to your face if we’d had the chance, Ben!’
Ben laughed softly. ‘Fair enough, I suppose. Anyway, it wasn’t a great day and she caught me at a bad moment.’
‘Look,’ Jo reached out to take Ben’s hand. ‘I’m sorry if you were caught off-guard. We just didn’t know what else to do. We all miss you so much and if you can’t come to us, the only other option was for one of us to come to you. We just needed to see for ourselves that you were OK. And for my part, I’m glad she came to see you or I don’t think we’d be sitting here now, would we?’
‘Maybe not,’ Ben agreed. ‘I suppose I’m glad she came, too. It was nice to see her.’
In truth, seeing Charlie had been incredibly painful. It had re-ignited feelings that he thought were long-buried. She was so warm compared to Bella’s coldness. So easy-going in contrast to Bella’s exhausting testiness. He could still feel her love. She knew everything about him and their connection was as strong as ever. Without having to say a word about what was happening to him, he could tell that she knew. Because she knew him.
Jo tilted her head slightly. ‘I think she will always regret letting you go.’
‘Don’t,’ Ben cut in with a warning tone, shaking his head. ‘Don’t go there.’ He couldn’t bear to think of what might have been, if he hadn’t met up with Bella that night and put an end to all hopes of a reconciliation with Charlotte.
Jo put her hands up defensively. ‘OK … I’m sorry. You’re right. There’s no point in dwelling on the past.’
Ben gave her a reassuring smile. ‘Tell me about Emma. And Matt and Freya. How are they all?’
Jo beamed. ‘Oh, you should see baby Bertie!’ she said, clapping her hands with delight and obviously happy to change the subject. ‘He’s gorgeous. Absolutely enormous, too … honestly, God know what they’re feeding him but …’
Ben listened with a smile as Jo regaled him stories about the lives that had carried on without him, while he was out of the picture. Emma was still travelling far too much in Jo’s opinion, but the good news was that she had met someone in Singapore, a fellow lawyer, and they seemed very happy. Apparently, she was bringing him home to meet Jo at Christmas and Jo was hopeful that an engagement might be on the cards.
Matt and Freya were both besotted with their little boy and Freya had decided that she wouldn’t go back to nursing after her maternity leave as Matt was doing so well at work that she was lucky enough to have the choice to stay at home …
As he listened, Ben felt more and more disconnected from the world. Everyone else seemed to lead such normal lives. How had he ended up in a real-life version of a horror movie? Actually, he thought, the plot of his movie was so far-fetched that there was no way it would ever get made. How many other men found themselves cowering on their knees in terror, while th
eir slim, beautiful, charming wife twisted clumps of hair from their head and cracked their jaw by kneeing them under the chin?
After an early dinner – bread for Elodie, coq au vin for them – Jo and Ben put Elodie to bed together in the white-painted little nursery that had been waiting for her since the day she was born, but had never been used.
Ben watched Jo delightedly showing Elodie all the books and toys she had lovingly collected for her, in the hope of being able to use them one day and had to swallow down the sour taste of shame that was in his throat. It must have killed Jo to have no contact with her first grandchild, when she would have been willing and able to offer her so much love. For the millionth time, he cursed himself for not being strong enough to stand up to Bella.
As Jo finished reading her a fourth story, Elodie’s eyelids began to droop shut. She looked so sweet and snug, sitting on Jo’s lap on the large wooden rocking chair, sucking lazily on her thumb, that Ben leaped up.
‘What’s wrong?’ Jo asked in alarm. ‘Where are you going?’
‘To get my phone. I need to get a picture of this.’
Ben jogged down the stairs, two at a time like he always used to, feeling lighter and happier than he had done for years. It had been good for both him and Jo to spend time together with Elodie and he vowed that he was going to make it a regular occurrence from now on. It was ridiculous to have let so much time pass without a visit.
His phone lay on the granite-topped island in the middle of the kitchen and even before he reached it, he could see it buzzing angrily with messages. All the new-found happiness drained out of him in an instant and his mouth dried. He picked it up with a shaking hand and steeled himself to unlock the screen and read what was there.
WHY HAVEN’T YOU ANSWERED YOUR PHONE?!!!!!
WHERE ARE YOU??!
PLEASE ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!
The red circle beside the phone symbol told him he had forty-seven missed calls. Ben shook his head in disbelief. How had she managed to make so many calls in the time he’d been upstairs? He was about to call her back with profuse apologies, when he remembered that his mum was expecting him back upstairs to take a photo of her and Elodie.