Self-Reference Engine

by Toh EnJoe

  Of course that would be the right place for comedy to start. It was just like an entertainment hall, after all.

  Surely this was better than kneeling the whole day with his feet tucked under his butt, a cat in his lap, muttering calculating, calculating, with no way of knowing if this would be the least bit effective. I mean, who would care if nobody at all ended up laughing? The goal was not laughter per se, but merely to execute some calculations that should be attainable but might be incomprehensible.

  His mind set to it, Hatchobori said to himself in desperation, Got it. He deployed the sub-corpora of knowledge as needed in the calculation space and started issuing commands.

  It would be fine if the roles were carried out capriciously.

  But as he tried to discern what the purpose of all this calculation was, Hatchobori hesitated for an instant. What were they all trying to calculate anyway? From deep within himself came burbling a powerful declaration that nothing mattered, that anything at all would be just fine, and he just started barking orders of whatever popped into his head.

  “We are executing the factorization of fifteen, starting now.”

  That is the reason for the sour look now on Hatchobori’s face. Now of course he thoroughly regrets the entire approach. Factorization of fifteen yields three and five, no doubt about it. The operation is done before you even have time to think about it. Executing this operation in a virtual space set up for no known reason makes no sense whatsoever, even if he had done it all himself. But he has the feeling that if he could just see all his calculations through somehow he would be able to draft some kind of report. Hatchobori thinks if the calculations were complete that would fulfill some sort of desire, even if the logic remained beyond him.

  Truth is, though, he is not that confident.

  “Master, will you be going to the scene?” the sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi asks Hatchobori. Hachi is worried about his master’s facial color.

  Well, yeah, sure, huh? Hatchobori mutters. Suppose I have to go. It will also be my role here to examine the corpse of the sub-corpus of knowledge, O-Kiyo, and find the culprit. Within Hatchobori’s own system, he would be able to find something like that in one shot. It was just a matter of calculation. In theatrical terms as well, it would be even less complicated than resolving the commands for the execution of the factorization of fifteen. This really is a pain in the ass, Hatchobori mutters to himself.

  “Here we go, sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi.”

  Among the general populace, this is also known as desperation.

  Hatchobori and the sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi roll up their sleeves to make their way through all the other hustle-bustle and get to the dyer’s shop. Tearing the poorly hung door from its hinges, Hatchobori thrusts his face into the room and is struck by a powerful fishy smell, the odor of blood and viscera and scorched semiconductors.

  Contrary to the report by the sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi, the body of the sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo, which should have been fairly intact, with just a single blow to the chest, was in fact in complete chaos. Hatchobori holds a handkerchief to his nose and frowns.

  “What’s all this mess?”

  “Sir?” Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi curls up small in Hatchobori’s shadow.

  The body of sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo was scattered cold-bloodedly all around the dirt floor of the room. “One, two, three…” Hatchobori begins to count the pieces. “Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo has been sliced into ten plus five parts and strewn all over the dirt floor. Upon closer examination, the parts seem to be in three piles of five.”

  For just an instant, Hatchobori thinks, Wow, a clue! but then he realizes this kind of direct solution is just a bit too much too much. All it means is that the body was arranged this way by some criminal familiar with factorization.

  “Whoever did this really meant business, wouldn’t you say, Hachi?”

  Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi, who has been cringing in fear, sticks his face out from behind Hatchobori, but then buries his face in Hatchobori’s spine again, cowering from the scene before him. His voice can just barely be heard, chanting a traditional charm against lightning, “Reach the bays, reach the bays.”

  “When I came here and saw her, there was definitely a corpse that had just been stabbed in the chest,” says Hachi.

  That sends a chill down Hatchobori’s spine. What happened here? Does this mean that besides whatever criminal killed O-Kiyo, some other imbecile came in and dismembered the body? It would be easier to believe that sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi was simply reckless than to think there was such a cool, calm, collected, and cheerful killer at large.

  “What has become of the dyer?”

  “Huh?” says sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi, his voice wretched.

  “Haven’t established his settings yet,” says Hatchobori, his expression clouding further. The failure to establish the dyer’s settings was his own oversight. But why did sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo end up a corpse, casting herself in a freakish role, like the wife of some husband who has gone missing? It seems possible that she, like himself, wasn’t thinking of anything in particular at all. For that matter, settings were not yet established for Hatchobori, his own family, or his own workplace. He had no wish to have to regret establishing settings for his pushy, loudmouthed mother-in-law.

  “Everybody makes mistakes,” says Hachi.

  It is hard to tell whether that is Hatchobori’s way of apologizing for his screwup or his way of absolving himself of responsibility. “Well, it’s done now. Nothing we can do about it. Book this as an abnormal incident. Nothing to do but ask O-Kiyo herself. I hate crap like this.”

  “But, Master, what about…”

  Too soon to say. Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi is showing frank concern about Hatchobori’s willingness to embrace his role and intervene in this space.

  “If some bureaucrat gets the story from the corpse, that would be like channeling.”

  Hatchobori hears what sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi is saying, but with only half an ear. He strides into the dirt-floored room and sets his hands on his hips, feet wide apart, chest puffed up.

  He looks down at sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo and the mess the place is in.

  “Sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo. Cease your suffering. You may look up now.”

  O-Kiyo’s head unit is all bent out of shape and in tatters. Her eyes are unblinking. Hatchobori, fearing he is being made to look foolish, repeats his command, adding an emergency code this time.

  “Raise your head!”

  No movement.

  “Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi! Sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo seems to be incapable of responding.”

  “Well, sir, the dead don’t talk back.”

  Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi appears to be intent, zealous even, on continuing to protect his status. Even so, Hatchobori is alarmed at the refusal of sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo, a subsystem he himself had personally built, to respond to his urgent commands. This should not be possible, unless she had been completely and utterly destroyed. As long as she had not been completely and utterly destroyed.

  Cold sweat drips down Hatchobori’s face. He switches into self-search mode and shifts to an area of memory shared with sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo. The calculation space is instantly transformed, and what confronts Hatchobori is a blank memory space, kneeling prostrate, propped on three fingers of each hand.

  By rights, such a thing should not be possible. This is a space Hatchobori himself had designed and poured himself into. The self-check routines are redundant and powerful. It is simply not possible that an abnormality of this order should occur without triggering an alarm to the main system.

  O-Kiyo had, in fact, been murdered.

  “What the hell…” As sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi, who had shifted all the way to the self-search space, comes finally to accept the evidence, he too confronts a blank memory space and scratches his head.

>   Without question, it is sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo who was killed, but O-Kiyo was a subsystem of Hatchobori. In that sense, part of Hatchobori himself was killed.

  The most likely culprit is a defect in the system, but if that were the case the memory space would not have been scrubbed so sparkling clean. Even if sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi used a wet rag, things would not look this good. The memory space just stands there looking blankly at the two of them with an expression on its face that says, Hey, whaddya want from me, I’m just a void. The next suspect would be an outside intruder, but there is no trace of such. Hatchobori severs the external connection necessary for these ridiculous theatrical calculations and proceeds in stand-alone space-time mode. He would be embarrassed to have any other giant corpus of knowledge know of his involvement in this desperate experiment.

  Further, the physical aspect of sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo connected within the space must also have been targeted, but no record remained that anyone had approached Hatchobori from normal three-dimensional space.

  “If the calculations of laughter are the killer, then there is randomness involved, and evidence may have been secreted away in some hidden chamber.”

  Hatchobori glares at sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi as if to tell him to stifle his commentary. Why is it that this thing called the world can never acknowledge that enough is enough? Why must things always get out of control? All Hatchobori had wanted were the factors of fifteen.

  “You! You did this!”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You are the murderer!”

  “Master,” sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi whimpers.

  “The only characters that have appeared so far in this narrative are me, you, and that poor soul over there. I am not the culprit, and neither is the victim, which is now no more than a spirit, with no power left in this world. That leaves you!”

  “Master, be reasonable!” argues sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi, cornered. “I am just a sub-corpus of knowledge. I could never have meddled with Master’s physical boards. I swear by all that is holy, I didn’t do it.”

  But what could possibly be holy enough to Hachi for him to swear upon?

  “Don’t think you can fool me. You had no interest in this project from the very beginning. That’s why you sliced sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo into fifteen pieces and arranged them in three piles of five. You did it to mock me!”

  “That is not true, Master! If that’s all I wanted to do, I wouldn’t have to go to all the trouble of actually murdering sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo! The truth is, I really liked her!”

  Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi’s rationalizations fall on Hatchobori’s deaf ears.

  “Suppression of evidence! If that ghost were still alive, we would be able to hear from her own mouth how you killed sub-corpus of knowledge O-Kiyo and arranged the pieces in three piles.”

  “But I…” sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi protests, in a greasy sweat. “I do not have authorization for that function. You’re just arguing by process of elimination based on the cast of this narrative.” At that, sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi raises his head. “There are two others.”

  “Go on,” Hatchobori replies curtly.

  “Well, there is the master giant corpus of knowledge that ordered you on this mission.”

  “Impossible. I am currently offline in space-time. A snail in a fixed location, strongly defended. Come hell or high water, arrows or bullets of knowledge.”

  “Well, there is one more,” sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi ventures, gulping hard. Hatchobori does not like the looks of this.

  “Speak! What’s on your mind?”

  “Well, there’s…the hypergiant corpus of knowledge!”

  Hatchobori raises his fists and sinks into a fighting stance, ready to box the ears of sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi for saying something so outlandish. Would body-slamming Hachi be an acceptable solution for this kind of anything-goes joker? In the end, there is no reason why the hypergiant corpus of knowledge could not have executed such an intervention himself. When it came right down to it, he might even have greater leeway in the open range of interventions. The problem: find the factors of fifteen. The answer: a dismembered corpse, scattered flamboyantly around the premises. Why have all traces of the deed itself been erased?

  Hatchobori rubs his jaw as he takes another look around the room. Finally, his gaze meets that of sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi, who has a panicked look on his face.

  It is a threat. It is a warning. If you keep on like this, you two will end up just like O-Kiyo. But why? At this point, the mission has made next to no progress at all. Just Hatchobori and the sub-corpus of knowledge in a rolling dialogue that wouldn’t even make a good stand-up routine. What part of this managed to grab the attention of a hypergiant corpus of knowledge?

  If that assumption were true there could be only one solution: Hatchobori and sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi must, unawares, be close to the truth. The hypergiant corpus of knowledge does not want the truth about his calculations to be known. In terms of knowledge itself, this is too important, and though perhaps he should just brush past it without even noticing, he is unable to shut his eyes. In other words, Hatchobori is thinking too much, behind the backstory behind the backstory behind the backstory.

  Trying to identify exactly where their own calculations have succeeded, Hatchobori finds himself unable to put his finger on it.

  If he is going to accept such an outrageous hypothesis, it might be both easier and wiser to get rid of sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi and start over from square one.

  Just as Hatchobori decides to get rid of Hachi and forget the whole thing, Hachi himself sticks his nose in, trembling slightly, searching for something.

  “Master. Definitely this one.”

  Hatchobori raises his chin in suspicion. If Hachi says just one more stupid thing, he will terminate him here and now.

  Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi switches on the audio unit of his memory area.

  “My Master! Trouble’s a’brewin! Master Hatchobori giant corpus of knowledge, hello?”

  “What is it, Hachi? Eh, now? Has something terribly awful happened?

  As Hatchobori raises his hand to hit the DELETE button, his sleeve gets caught, and sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi pleads with him tearfully.

  “Master! Will you just listen?”

  “Why would you want to play back that ridiculous nonsense? Out of spite?”

  “This is the answer!”

  Hatchobori is intent on deleting the sub-corpus no matter what the answer is, but he stays his hand. Equations pass through his mind: 3 x 5 = 15. 5 x 2 = 10. Where are these thoughts coming from? Hatchobori scrunches his eyes in thought.

  The number of syllables.

  The sentence was the formula! If “My master” = 3, the exclamation point = the multiplication sign, and “Trouble’s a’brewin!” = 5, then “Master Hatchobori, giant corpus of knowledge, hello?” = 15.

  Hatchobori’s heart stops. It seems impossible the solution could be this simple. If it really is just a matter of converting syllables to figures, the only possible conclusion is that the hypergiant corpus of knowledge is truly an idiot, no question about it. Even if knowledge that makes a big difference, beyond imagination, can only seem like stupidity, this is on a whole other frightfully stupid level. But still he continues, even after realizing this. 5 x 2 = 10. He keeps bringing in equations from the day after tomorrow, though this is a terribly childish thing to do.

  This is not a threat of any kind, just a coincidental utterance, right? The hypergiant corpus of knowledge, however, does perceive it as a threat. His reasoning is that Hatchobori has been designated as an entity that can research that sort of calculation. A giant corpus of knowledge that has been ordered to reel in a calculation from a total blank using some ridiculous sort of method would show the hypergiant corpus of knowledge how to reel in the solution by first clearing the blank, right from the start. And that was his reasonin
g.

  No matter what sort of overlapping deductions were involved, Hatchobori is sure this reflects the poor quality of the hypergiant corpus of knowledge’s thinking. Thinking and thinking and over-thinking. The real answer is just to treat the results of the factorization as a coincidence. That is, assuming Hatchobori is not possessed of some powers yet unknown.

  It is entirely possible that in the future, Hatchobori will become entangled in a calculation battle with the hypergiant corpus of knowledge.

  The current situation could itself be a warning from the hypergiant corpus of knowledge that such an eventuality is foreordained in a future in some direction or other. If the hypergiant corpus of knowledge sent no warning, neither Hatchobori nor sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi would be aware of this distortion. It would be this kind of hyperdeductive deduction that would point the way to that future.

  It would be Hatchobori’s fate to engage in calculation battle with the hypergiant corpus of knowledge. That is why the hypergiant corpus of knowledge was not able to delete the main Hatchobori unit. Had he been deleted, he could be no threat to the hypergiant corpus of knowledge. Left to his own devices, Hatchobori would have no way of noticing the calculations he himself had decorated with question marks, and so again he would be no threat. Protected by a logic resulting from hyperdeduction, Hatchobori is able to confront directly the Case of the Dismemberment Murder Behind Closed Doors.

  What is up with this? Hatchobori remembers feeling dizzy. Of all the complicated idiots in the world, did he really have to be dealing with this Prince of all Idiots?

  This could easily be seen as an interesting life, off the beaten path.

  Sub-corpus of knowledge Hachi is crouching, trembling, holding his head. Hatchobori pokes him in the head.