We the Living

by Ayn Rand

  She stretched her arms and crossed them behind her head, and threw her head back, shaking the hair off her face, and said: "I don't think my family will like it. I think they'll throw me out."

  "You're staying here."

  "I'll go to say good-bye."

  "Why go back at all?"

  "I suppose I must tell them something."

  "Well, go. But don't take long. I want you here."

  They stood like three pillars, towering and silent, at the dining-room table. They had the red, puffed eyes of a sleepless night. Kira stood facing them, leaning against the door, indifferent and patient.

  "Well?" said Galina Petrovna.

  "Well what?" said Kira.

  "You won't tell us again that you were at Irina's."

  "No."

  Galina Petrovna straightened her shoulders and her faded flannel bathrobe. "I don't know how far your foolish innocence can go. But do you realize that people might think that . . ."

  "Certainly, I've slept with him."

  The cry came from Lydia.

  Galina Petrovna opened her mouth and closed it.

  Alexander Dimitrievitch opened his mouth and it remained open.

  Galina Petrovna's arm pointed at the door. "You'll leave my house," she said. "And you'll never come back."

  "All right," said Kira.

  "How could you? A daughter of mine! How can you stand there and stare at us? Have you no conception of the shame, the disgrace, the depraved . . ."

  "We won't discuss that," said Kira.

  "Did you stop to think it was a mortal sin? . . . Eighteen years old and a man from jail! . . . And the Church . . . for centuries . . . for your fathers and grandfathers . . . all our Saints have told us that no sin is lower! You hear about those things, but God, my own daughter! . . . The Saints who, for our sins . . ."

  "May I take my things," Kira asked, "or do you want to keep them?"

  "I don't want one single thing of yours left here! I don't want your breath in this room! I don't want your name mentioned in this house!"

  Lydia was sobbing hysterically, her head in her arms on the table. "Tell her to go, Mother!" she cried through sobs like hiccoughs. "I can't stand it! Such women should not be allowed to live!"

  "Get your things and hurry!" Galina Petrovna hissed. "We have but one daughter left! You little tramp! You filthy little street . . ."

  Lydia was staring with incredulous awe, at Kira's legs.

  Leo opened the door and took the bundle she had wrapped in an old bed sheet.

  "There are three rooms," he said. "You can rearrange things any way you want. Is it cold outside? Your cheeks are frozen."

  "It's a little cold."

  "I have some hot tea for you--in the drawing room."

  He had set a table by the fireplace. Little red tongues flickered in the old silver. A crystal chandelier hung against the gray sky of a huge window. Across the street, a line stood at the door of a co-operative, heads bent; it was snowing.

  Kira held her hands against the hot silver teapot and rubbed them across her cheeks. She said: "I'll have to gather that glass. And sweep the floor. And . . ."

  She stopped. She stood in the middle of the huge room. She spread her arms out, and threw her head back, and laughed. She laughed defiantly, rapturously, triumphantly. She cried: "Leo! . . ."

  He held her. She looked up into his face and felt as if she were a priestess, her soul lost in the corners of a god's arrogant mouth; as if she were a priestess and a sacrificial offering, both and beyond both, shameless in her laughter, choking, something rising within her, too hard to bear.

  Then his eyes looked at her, wide and dark, and he answered a thought they had not spoken: "Kira, think what we have against us."

  She bent her head a little to one shoulder, her eyes round, her lips soft, her face serene and confident as a child's; she looked at the window where, in the slanting mist of snow, men stood in line, motionless, hopeless, broken. She shook her head.

  "We'll fight it, Leo. Together. We'll fight all of it. The country. The century. The millions. We can stand it. We can do it."

  He said without hope: "We'll try."

  XI

  THE REVOLUTION HAD COME TO A COUNTRY that had lived three years of war. Three years and the Revolution had broken railroad tracks, and scorched fields, and blown smokestacks into showers of bricks, and sent men to stand in line with their old baskets, waiting at the little trickle of life still dripping from provision centers. Forests stood in a silence of snow, but in the cities wood was a luxury; kerosene was the only fuel to burn; there was only one device to burn kerosene. The gifts of the Revolution were to come. But one--and the first--had been granted; that which in countless cities countless stomachs had learned to beg for the fire of their sustenance to keep the fire of their souls, the first badge of a new life, the first ruler of a free country: the PRIMUS.

  Kira knelt by the table and pumped the handle of the little brass burner that bore the words: "Genuine Primus. Made in Sweden." She watched the thin jet of kerosene filling a cup; then she struck a match and set fire to the kerosene in the cup, and pumped, and pumped, her eyes very attentive, the fire licking the black tubes with a tongue of soot, sending the odor of kerosene into her nostrils, until something hissed in the tubes and a wreath of blue flames sprang up, tense and hissing like a blow-torch. She set a pot of millet over the blue flames.

  Then, kneeling by the fireplace, she gathered tiny logs, damp and slippery in her fingers, with an acrid odor of swamp and mildew; she opened the little door of the "Bourgeoise" and stacked the logs inside, and stuffed crumpled newspapers over them, and struck a match, blowing hard, bending low to the floor, her hair hanging over her eyes, whirls of smoke blowing back at her, rising high to the white ceiling, the crystals of the chandelier sparkling through gray fumes, gray ashes fluttering into her nostrils, catching on her eyelashes.

  The "Bourgeoise" was a square iron box with long pipes that rose to the ceiling and turned at a straight angle into a hole cut over the fireplace. They had had to install a "Bourgeoise" in the drawing room, because they could not afford wood for the fireplace. The logs hissed in the box and, through the cracks in the corners, red flames danced and little whiffs of smoke fluttered once in a while, and the iron walls blazed a dull, overheated red, smelling of burned paint. The new little stoves were called "Bourgeoise," for they had been born in the homes of those who could not afford full-sized logs to heat the full-sized stoves in their once luxurious homes.

  Admiral Kovalensky's apartment had seven rooms, but four of them had to be rented long ago. Admiral Kovalensky had had a partition built across a hall, which cut them off from the tenants. Now Leo owned three rooms, the bathroom and the front door; the tenants owned four rooms, the back door and the kitchen. Kira cooked on the Primus and washed dishes in the bathroom. At times, she heard steps and voices behind the partition, and a cat meowing; three families lived there, but she never had to meet them.

  When Leo got up in the morning, he found a table set in the dining room, with a snow-white cloth and hot tea steaming, and Kira flitting about the table, her cheeks glowing, her eyes laughing, light and unconcerned, as if these things had happened all by themselves. From their first day together in her new home, she had stated her ultimatum: "When I cook--you're not to see me. When you see me--you're not to know that I've been cooking."

  She had always known that she was alive; she had never given much thought to the necessity of keeping alive. She found suddenly that that mere fact of keeping alive had grown into a complicated problem which required many hours of effort, the simple keeping alive which she had always haughtily, contemptuously taken for granted. She found that she could fight it only by keeping, fiercer than ever, that very contempt; the contempt which, once dropped, would bring all of life down to the little blue flame of the Primus slowly cooking millet for dinner. She found she could sacrifice all the hours the struggle required, if only it would never rise between Leo and he
r, if only life itself, the life that was Leo, were kept intact and untouched. Those wasted hours did not count; she would keep silent about them. She kept silent, a hidden spark in her eyes twinkling with the exhilaration of battle. It was a battle, the first blows of a vague, immense battle she could not name, but felt, the battle of the two of them, alone, against something huge and nameless, something rising, like a tide, around the walls of their house, something in those countless weary steps on the pavements outside, in those lines at the doors of co-operatives, the something that invaded their home with the Primus and the "Bourgeoise," that held millet and damp logs and the hunger of millions of strange, distorted stomachs against two lives fighting for their right to their future.

  After breakfast Leo buttoned his overcoat and asked: "Going to the Institute today?"

  "Yes."

  "Need change?"

  "A little."

  "Back for dinner?"

  "Yes."

  "I'll be back at six."

  He went to the University, she went to the Institute. She ran, sliding along the frozen sidewalks, laughing at strangers, blowing at a red finger in the hole of her glove, jumping on tramways at full speed, disarming with a smile the husky conductoresses who growled: "You oughta be fined, citizen. You'll get your legs cut off some day."

  She fidgeted at the lectures, and glanced at her neighbor's wristwatch, when she could find a neighbor with a wristwatch. She was impatient to return home, as she had been when, a child in school, on her birthdays, she had known that presents awaited her at home. Nothing awaited her there now, but the Primus, and millet, and cabbage to chop for soup, and, when Leo returned, a voice that said behind the closed door: "I'm home," and she answered indifferently: "I'm busy," and laughed soundlessly, rapturously, in the soup steam.

  After dinner he brought his books to the "Bourgeoise" and she brought hers. He was studying history and philosophy at the Petrograd State University. He also had a job. When, after two months, he returned to pick up the life his father's execution had broken, he found the job still awaiting him. He was valuable to the "Gossizdat"--that State Publishing House. In the evenings, over a fire crackling in the "Bourgeoise," he translated books from the English, German and French. He did not like the books. They were novels by foreign authors in which a poor, honest worker was always sent to jail for stealing a loaf of bread to feed the starving mother of his pretty, young wife who had been raped by a capitalist and committed suicide thereafter, for which the all-powerful capitalist fired her husband from the factory, so that their child had to beg on the streets and was run over by the capitalist's limousine with sparkling fenders and a chauffeur in uniform.

  But Leo could do the work at home, and it paid well, although when he received his money at the Gossizdat, it was accompanied by the remark: "We have deducted two and a half percent as your contribution to the new Red Chemical Society of Proletarian Defense. This is in addition to the five percent deduction for the Red Air Fleet, and three percent for the Liquidation of Illiteracy, and five percent for your Social Insurance, and . . ."

  When Leo worked, Kira moved soundlessly through the room, or sat silently over her drafts and charts and blueprints, and never interrupted him.

  Sometimes they were interrupted by the Upravdom. He came in, his hat on the back of his head, and demanded their share of the house collection for frozen pipes, stuffed chimneys, electric bulbs for the stairs--"and someone's swiped 'em again"--leaking roof, broken cellar steps, and the house's voluntary subscription to the Red Air Fleet.

  When Kira and Leo spoke to each other, their words were brief, impersonal, their indifference exaggerated, their expressionless faces guarding a secret they both remembered.

  But when they were alone in the gray and silver bedroom, they laughed together; their eyes, and their lips, and their bodies met hungrily. She did not know how many times they awakened in the night; nor where she felt his lips, nor whether his lips hurt her. She heard nothing in the silence but the sound of his breath. She crushed her body against his; then she laughed lazily and hid her face in the curve of her arm, and listened to his breath on her neck, on the lashes of her closed eyes. Then she lay still, her teeth in a muscle of his arm, drunk on the smell of his skin.

  Leo had no relatives in Petrograd.

  His mother had died before the revolution. He was an only son. His father had stood over vast wheat fields under a blue sky dropping into dark forests far away, and thought that some day these fields and the forests would be laid at the feet of a dark-haired, dark-eyed boy, and in his heart there was a glow brighter than the sun in the ripe wheat.

  Admiral Kovalensky seldom appeared at Court functions; the deck of a ship felt steadier under his feet than the parquet of the royal palace. But when he appeared, the eyes of stunned, eager, envious faces followed the woman who moved slowly on his arm. His wife, born a countess of an ancient name, had the beauty of centuries gathered, line by line, in her perfect body. When she died, Admiral Kovalensky noticed the first gray on his temples; but deep in his heart, in words he dared not utter, he thanked God that death had chosen to take his wife rather than his son.

  Admiral Kovalensky had but one voice with which he issued commands to his sailors and spoke to his son. Some said he was too kind with his sailors, and some said he was too stern with his son. But he worshipped the boy whose name foreign tutors had changed to "Leo" from the Russian "Lev"; and he was helpless before the slightest flicker of a wish in the boy's dark, haughty eyes.

  The tutors, and the servants, and the guests looked at Leo as they looked at the statue of Apollo in the Admiral's study, with the same reverent hopelessness they felt from the white marble of a distant age. Leo smiled; it was the only order he had to give, the only excuse for any of his orders.

  When his young friends related, in whispers, the latest French stories, Leo quoted Spinoza and Nietzsche; he quoted Oscar Wilde at the prim gatherings of his stern aunt's Ladies' Charity Club; he described the superiority of Western culture over that of Russia to the austere, gray-haired diplomats, friends of his father, rabid Slavophiles, and he greeted them with an impudent foreign "Allo"; once, when he went to confession, he made the old priest blush by revelations, at eighteen, which that venerable dignitary had not learned in his seventy years.

  Resenting the portrait of the Czar in his father's study and the Admiral's unflinching, unreasoning loyalty, Leo attended a secret meeting of young revolutionists. But when an unshaved young man made a speech about men's brotherhood and called him "comrade," Leo whistled "God Save the Czar," and went home.

  He spent his first night in a woman's bed at the age of sixteen. When he met her in sparkling drawing rooms, his face remained courteously expressionless while he bent to kiss her hand; and her stately, gray-haired husband did not suspect what lessons the cold, disdainful beauty he owned was giving to that slender, dark-haired boy.

  Many others followed. The Admiral had to interfere once, to remind Leo that his own career could be compromised if his son were seen again leaving, at dawn, the palace of a famous ballerina whose royal patron's name was mentioned in whispers.

  The revolution found Admiral Kovalensky with black glasses over his unseeing eyes and St. George's ribbon in his lapel; it found Leo Kovalensky with a slow, contemptuous smile, and a swift gait, and in his hand a lost whip he had been born to carry.

  For two weeks Kira had no visitors and paid no visits. Then she called on Irina.

  Maria Petrovna opened the door and muttered a greeting, confused, frightened, stepping back uncertainly.

  The family was gathered in the dining room around a newly installed "Bourgeoise." Irina jumped up with a glowing smile and kissed her cousin, which she had never done before.

  "Kira, I'm so glad to see you! I thought you didn't want to see any of us any more."

  Kira looked at a tall figure that had risen suddenly in a corner of the room. "How are you, Uncle Vasili?" she smiled.

  Vasili Ivanovitch did not answer;
he did not look at her; he turned and left the room.

  A dark red flushed Irina's cheeks and she bit her lips. Maria Petrovna twisted a handkerchief. Little Acia stared at Kira from behind a chair. Kira stood looking at the closed door.

  "Those are nice felt boots you're wearing, Kira," Maria Petrovna muttered, although she had seen them many times. "Nice for cold weather. Such weather we're having!"

  "Yes," said Kira, "it's snowing outside."

  Victor came in, shuffling lazily in bedroom slippers, with a bathrobe thrown open over his pajamas; it was late afternoon, but his uncombed hair hung over red eyelids swollen by an interrupted sleep.

  "Kira! What a pleasant surprise!" He bowed effusively, with outstretched hand. He held her hand and looked into her eyes with a bold, mocking stare as if the two of them shared a secret. "We didn't expect you, Kira. But then, so many unexpected things happen, these days." He did not apologize for his appearance; his careless swagger seemed to say that such an appearance could not be shocking to her. "Well, Kira, it isn't Comrade Taganov, after all? Oh, don't look surprised. One hears things at the Institute. However, Comrade Taganov is a useful friend to have. He has such an influential position. It's handy, in case you have any friends--in jail."

  "Victor," said Irina, "you look like a swine and talk it. Go wash your face."

  "When I'll take orders from you, my dear sister, you may tell the news to the papers."

  "Children, children," Maria Petrovna sighed helplessly.

  "I have to go," said Kira, "I just dropped in on my way to the Institute."

  "Oh, Kira!" Irina begged. "Please don't go."

  "I have to. I have a lecture to attend."

  "Oh, hell!" said Irina. "They're all afraid to ask you, but I'll ask it before you go; what's his name?"

  "Leo Kovalensky."

  "Not the son of . . ." gasped Maria Petrovna.

  "Yes," said Kira.

  When the door closed after Kira, Vasili Ivanovitch came back. Maria Petrovna fumbled nervously for her nail buffer and busied herself with her manicure, avoiding his eyes. He added a log to the fire in the "Bourgeoise." He said nothing.