But if I did, what would he do?
He looked again. Those dark eyes bored into me in the half-a-heartbeat they were fixed on my face. And I knew exactly what he’d do if I tried to leave him. He’d hurt me. Maybe worse. He hadn’t forced me to go back to sleeping in his bed. But he did insist we act like a happy couple when we were in public. I had to be the good little girlfriend, always at his beck and call. The appearance meant everything to him. And he’d lose his mind if I tried to get away.
I glanced down, wishing I could be more like Gigz. She’d never allow a man to manipulate and control her this way. She’d kick his ass and take his loot.
I set my wine glass on a side table made from a wooden barrel. When I looked up, Jace had wandered toward the open doors. I decided if he went outside, I’d stay here. A tiny act of rebellion, to not follow. Hollow and meaningless, to be sure, but it made me feel a little better. I’d worn a dress he’d approve of. Came as his date when I didn’t want to be here. It was like sleeping on the couch. It wouldn’t accomplish anything, but it made me feel like I still had a shred of control over my life.
Movement in the corner of my eye drew my attention. A man stood near the entrance to the room. He had a thick beard and long brown hair that obscured part of his face. He wasn’t dressed for the wedding—he wore a long-sleeved shirt and jeans—and I thought I might recognize him from the picture in the hallway.
My body lit up at the sight of him, a rush of heat scorching me from the inside. He was stunning. His hair and beard made him look rough, but his eyes were clear. Their piercing blue-gray held mine, like I was momentarily hypnotized.
He blinked once and I didn’t look away. Every cell in my body felt his magnetic pull. There was something wrong with his face—scarring on one side. But it didn’t diminish his appeal. If anything, it made him more intriguing. He looked warm and strong, like he could wrap me in his arms and keep me safe.
God, what was wrong with me? I sucked in a quick breath and looked down at the floor. Why was I standing here, staring at some strange man?
When I looked up a second later, he was disappearing through the door that led to the lobby.
My heart thumped wildly and I shifted my feet, trying to make the tension in my core dissipate. My damn panties were wet. I hadn’t had sex in a long time, but this was ridiculous. A few seconds of eye contact and I felt like I’d turned to liquid.
Who was he?
Against my better judgment, I shot a glance at Jace—he was still talking to someone—and followed the mystery man.
The hallway was empty. I glanced into the tasting room on one side, but I didn’t see him. Just some couples sitting at the bar and a young woman pouring wine. Wedding guests had meandered out to the main lobby, and there was a winery employee behind the front desk. But no sign of the man I’d seen.
I took a quick breath and glanced behind me. Jace wasn’t following. What if I just poked my head out the front doors? If he’d left, I might catch sight of him.
And then what? Stare at his back while he walked away? I had a tiny two-second fantasy of running after him and launching myself into his arms. That was silly enough to stop me. I was being ridiculous. I had no idea who he was. What was I going to do? Tell him he’d lit a fire inside me I’d thought long since quenched?
Still, I couldn’t get his face out of my mind. How had he made me feel that way? My entire body had reacted to him. Why? There were men all over—both wedding guests and otherwise. Dressed in nice suits and ties. None of them had affected me this way.
But him? I’d been mesmerized. Transfixed by his gaze. I’d never felt anything like it.
I stopped on the way back to the reception and looked at the wedding photo again. Sure enough, there he was, standing in the back. His face was angled slightly so his scars weren’t visible, but there was no doubt it was him.
I wondered who he was. His name. How he’d gotten those scars. And why his eyes had held me captive. There was a universe behind those blue-gray eyes, and I was oddly heartbroken that I’d never get the chance to explore it.
Six
Leo
I’d never been nervous to log on to a game before.
I felt out of control and anxious in the real world a lot. I’d been diagnosed with PTSD—no surprise there; a lot of soldiers dealt with it—but gaming was my safe place.
That was why I did it so much. I could let go. When I was in a game, I wasn’t Leo Miles anymore. I wasn’t the guy with burn scars over half his body. With a disfigured face and grotesque stiff tissue. I was Iron Badger, badass warrior.
And Gigz was there.
From the first time we’d played together, we’d gotten along. We gave each other shit a lot, but that was part of what made her fun. Gigz could make me smile, even on my worst days. When everything felt hopeless, like I was drowning in emptiness, I’d log on and if I was lucky, she’d be playing. I’d hear her voice, and things weren’t quite so bad. That empty space in my chest not quite so hollow.
But now that I’d seen her—the real her—everything had changed.
My heart was beating too fast, the way it did when I got close to the edge of our property. Palms sweaty. The jittery feeling made me want to get up and pace, like Cooper was always doing.
This was ridiculous.
I leaned back in my chair and took a four-count breath. Held it for four. Then released it, same count of four. Hold. Then I repeated the pattern. Combat breathing. Soldiers could be in some intense situations, and the ability to stay calm was a life or death skill. Back when I’d still been on active duty, I’d been amazing at it. Two rounds of combat breaths, and I’d be completely focused. Ready for anything.
I wasn’t as good at it anymore, but it still helped. Although I felt like an idiot for needing a breathing technique just to log in to a game.
Fucking pathetic.
My heart rate slowed, and my muscles relaxed. I did another round of breaths to steady myself, then clicked on the icon to log in. Typed in my password.
I quickly scanned my friends list, looking for Gigz. She wasn’t online.
Fuck.
Part of me was afraid to talk to her. But the other part—much bigger than the first—was craving her like a fucking drug. I needed her voice in my ears like I needed to breathe tonight.
Please log on, Gigz. Please.
I ran through a few dungeons by myself, ignoring the group requests I got from a few gamer friends. It was hard to stay focused, and I died twice doing stupid crap. I was about to log off in frustration and just go to bed, when her name popped up on the side of my screen.
Gigz is online.
I jammed my headset on, holding my breath, waiting for her to join the voice app we used when we gamed together.
My headphones crackled, the distinct buzz of another person logging in tickling my ears. Then, her voice.
“Hey, Badge.”
I closed my eyes, her voice pouring over me like warm water. So soothing. My heart rate slowed and the knotting in my muscles eased.
God, this woman. Why could she do this to me? It wasn’t normal.
I swallowed, hoping she wouldn’t hear the strain in my voice. “Hey, Gigz.”
“Sorry I’m on later than usual. I was at a wedding today.”
I froze. I’d known it was her. It had to have been her. But hearing her say it left me practically speechless.
“You there?” she asked.
“Yeah, sorry. So, a wedding?”
“Mm hmm. I didn’t want to go, but it wasn’t bad. It was at a winery, and that was the highlight. It was freaking gorgeous out there.”
I couldn’t help but smile. She’d liked it here? “That’s good, at least.”
“Yeah.”
I needed to tell her. Now. She’d just given me the opportunity to bring it up. To tell her I’d seen her today. But I hesitated.
“Something weird happened, though,” she said.
“What?”
She t
ook a deep breath. “This is still a judgment-free zone, right?”
“I thought after the sexy blue aliens dream, we’d established that.”
“Dude, don’t make fun of me,” she said. “It was so real. And disturbingly hot.”
“I said I wasn’t one to judge. I’ve had crazy sex dreams too.” I wasn’t about to tell her the woman in my dreams had her voice.
“True. You did have that dream about the vampire stripper.”
“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”
She giggled. “Nope. This wasn’t a dream, though. At least, I don’t think it was. When I was at the wedding, I saw this guy…”
My heart dropped straight through the floor. Fuck, I didn’t want to hear this. Not from her. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my seat, clutching the armrests, bracing for impact. To hear her say she’d seen a deformed freak in the otherwise perfect setting.
I almost couldn’t get the words out. “A guy?”
“Yes, and I had such an intense reaction to him. It was insane. Like a physical response. Has that ever happened to you?”
Had she been that repulsed by me? “I’m not sure. What do you mean?”
“It’s hard to describe. I’ve never felt that way about a stranger before. I was so drawn to him. And, don’t make fun of me, okay, but I was… really attracted to him.”
Well, she wasn’t talking about me then. “Wow, sounds like it made your day more interesting.”
“Right? Seriously, this guy was so hot. Not in the traditional sense, though. He wasn’t clean cut with a suit or whatever. He was really rough-looking. Long hair, thick beard. I guess it makes sense—I was always into the Beast. Totally does it for me.”
If I hadn’t been stunned into silence before, I was now. Long hair and thick beard? But there was no way she was talking about me. A lot of guys grew out their hair these days. And men with beards were all over the place.
I forced out a laugh. “Sounds like a scruffy bastard.”
“Aw, Badger, are you jealous of my fantasy beast-man?”
“Yeah, so jealous,” I said, keeping my voice flat. I wasn’t jealous, I was confused. “I’m sure you two will be very happy together.”
She sighed. “I wish. Isn’t that weird, though? I saw him for a minute at most, and I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“Who knows, maybe he can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I doubt that. Although… our eyes met for a couple of seconds and it was kind of amazing. Like something in a story. But before I knew what had happened, he was gone. I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy and I imagined the whole thing, including the scars on his face.”
It felt like I’d just been stabbed. The sensation was so acute, I put my hand to my chest, expecting to find hot, sticky blood.
“Um, what?” I choked out.
“I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear me go on and on about how I was basically hypnotized by some guy at a wedding. But Badge, I’m telling you, he had some kind of magic over my lady parts.”
Blood rushed south so fast it almost made me dizzy. Holy shit. I shifted in my seat so I could adjust my pants.
“Wow.”
“I know. God, I’m fanning myself over here just thinking about him.”
Kill me. Kill me right now. I cleared my throat, not sure what to say. The thought of her turned on had me so hard it hurt. I needed to change the subject. “Are we doing this, or what?”
She giggled, her sweet laugh reverberating through me. “Yeah, sorry. I’ll stop talking about my lady parts.”
“Jesus,” I muttered. This was an absolute clusterfuck. She’d been turned on by me? That wasn’t possible.
Maybe she was the one who was crazy.
“So I’m thinking we run through the haunted city tonight,” she said. “The boss fight is brutal, but I’m in the mood for a challenge. You up for it?”
“Yeah, let’s do it.”
Her character took off running, so I scooted my chair toward my desk and grabbed my mouse so I could follow.
We got to the haunted city and I died no less than six times before we even made it to the boss fight. I was a fucking disaster tonight, and Gigz teased me mercilessly for it.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. About how close we’d been. What she’d looked like in that dress, her long hair flowing down her back. I wondered what she smelled like. How soft her skin must be.
And she’d been attracted to me?
I couldn’t reconcile that with reality. I wasn’t a man that women found attractive. Not anymore. I was disfigured and scarred. I tried to minimize it as best I could, but there was only so much I could do. How could she have looked at me and felt anything but revulsion? Or fear? That was what I saw in most people’s eyes when they looked at me.
That, or pity. Frankly, I preferred fear.
By the time I went to bed a few hours later, I wasn’t any closer to sorting this out. Should I have told her it was me? What could I have said? And what had happened when our eyes had met? I’d felt something so acute, the aftereffects still reverberated through my body. For the first time, someone had stared at me and I hadn’t immediately turned away.
Granted, I’d been mesmerized by the sight of her.
Still, something had passed between us. Had she really felt it? Was that what she’d meant?
I didn’t know what to think.
Seven
Leo
The first light of dawn had been peeking through the blinds before I’d finally fallen asleep last night. I’d woken a few hours later to hazy memories of a dream. Something about Hannah, running through a field with a bow on her back.
Not Gigz. Not a computer-rendered animation in a game. Hannah, the real woman. She’d been dressed like her character—armor, weapons, and all. But she’d been a real person. I’d been running after her, a sense of urgency spurring me on. Like something terrible would happen if I didn’t reach her, yet she was always ahead of me. Always just beyond my grasp.
Reluctantly, I got out of bed. I could already tell I wasn’t going back to sleep. It was a Sunday, so technically I didn’t have to work, but I still went through my morning routine, checking the security footage around the winery.
I’d installed the system after we’d had some trouble with theft. Two years ago, we’d had a break-in, and later, an employee had been stealing wine from the cellars in the Big House. I’d wanted to have more coverage, but Mom had insisted I keep it to the Big House lobby and outside areas.
So far, that seemed to be working well enough. We hadn’t had any more theft problems, at least.
After sucking down some coffee, and checking to see if Gigz was online—she wasn’t—I decided to get outside. During my first year home, Cooper had forced me outdoors a lot—made me walk with him in the vineyards. I’d resisted at first, but eventually realized those walks were probably good for me.
As long as Cooper didn’t talk too much.
Now I tried to remember to get outside at least once a day. It seemed like the healthy thing to do. I wasn’t anywhere near healthy, and despite my therapist’s encouragement, I didn’t think I ever would be. It wasn’t like I could bring myself to go anywhere. Not past the boundaries of our land, at least. But I could do better than hiding in my house all the time, my face in a screen.
We’d just come out of harvest season—the busiest time of year at Salishan—and now the vineyards were quiet. I took the utility vehicle—the closest thing I had to a car—and drove out to the south vineyard. Our other utility vehicle was parked out here, not far from the main grounds. Cooper. Harvest was over, but there was always work to be done.
I thought about driving by. Cooper wouldn’t be out here on a Sunday if he wasn’t busy with something. Not now that he had Amelia. But something made me pull over and park behind him.
The truth was, I was feeling particularly out of control. Seeing Hannah had left me reeling, and after talking to her last night, I was confused as
hell. I had no idea if Cooper could help me sort this out, but at least I wouldn’t be alone.
I found him not far from where we’d parked. He didn’t seem to be doing much of anything, just wandering down the row, fingering some of the leaves, murmuring. He had this weird habit of talking to the grapes. I guess it made sense. Cooper talked to everyone, so why should his grapes be an exception?
He must have heard me coming, because he turned, a wide smile crossing his face.
“Hey, bro. What’s up?”
“Hi, Coop. Not much. Just… needed to get out and walk.”
“Yeah, dude, me too,” he said.
“Is everything okay?” I asked. “Did you get in a fight with Amelia or something?”
“Nah, we’re good. She had to be at the ranch early this morning for an all-day riding workshop. I woke up when she did and now I’m bored.”
“Fair enough.”
“What about you? You okay?”
I put my hands on my hips and looked down at the ground. There was a time when I wouldn’t have considered talking to my brother about this. But he was successfully navigating a serious relationship—a relationship that was still new. He was in the shit, so to speak. So maybe…
I took a deep breath. “So, there’s this girl.”
He made a strangled noise in his throat and his eyes widened.
Great. Here it comes.
But instead of spewing a mass of word vomit all over the vineyard, he cleared his throat. “Awesome. How’d you meet?”
“Online. Playing games.”
“Is that what you’re always doing in your cave?” he asked, then waved his hand. “Never mind. The girl. What’s going on with her?”
I eyed Cooper with suspicion. He didn’t usually display this kind of tact. Must be more of the Amelia effect. “We’ve been friends for a long time, but only online. I didn’t even know her real name until yesterday.”
“Did she give you the personal deets, or did you ask?”
Hidden Miles (The Miles Family Book 4) Page 4