I sat at the desk—what had become our desk—with my morning coffee while Leo worked out on the other side of the room. Cooper and Zoe often came over to lift with him, but today it was just Leo. And god, he was magnificent.
I’d never seen him without pants and long sleeves. But even fully dressed, he was a sight. Broad shoulders, thick arms. And those thighs. He filled out a pair of jeans—or sweats, my god—like no other. He worked out almost every day, and it showed. His body was incredible.
Not for the first time, I fantasized about what he looked like under those clothes as I watched him from the corner of my eye. The downside to our living arrangement? Being in close quarters with this man almost twenty-four/seven. It was a little bit like torture.
I’d been attracted to Leo from the first time I saw him—when I’d had no idea who he was. And I was just as drawn to him now. If anything, the tension between us grew the longer I stayed.
Was he feeling it too? I really didn’t know. He seemed to want me here. The little changes he’d made had to mean something. Of course, they might just mean we were friends and he liked having a roommate.
I pretended to be busy on my computer while I watched him do another set of bench presses. His sleeves slipped down a little and I could see the tattoos that covered his left arm. I’d caught a quick glimpse of his legs once, and he had ink down his left leg too, all the way to his ankle. I would have given just about anything for a peek under his clothes. How far did his ink go? Was it just his arm and leg? Or did the design extend onto his chest and torso? What about his left thigh?
As careful as he was to not let skin show, I’d probably never find out.
He got up and grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat from his face. I took advantage of the moment and looked. Not from my peripheral vision. Straight on.
I couldn’t understand why he was so self-conscious about his appearance. Granted, his scars were extensive. But the damage hadn’t ruined him. If anything, it made him more intriguing. He was scruffy and brooding, with his thick beard and deep, stormy eyes.
He was beautiful.
I looked away so he wouldn’t notice me staring and shifted in my chair. Watching Leo work out always made me tingly between the legs. And taking care of business myself had become increasingly unsatisfying.
But I couldn’t tell if this attraction was one-sided. It was entirely possible that Leo was just lonely, and liked having me around as a friend and roommate.
He went back to the bathroom to shower and change—he always changed his clothes in the bathroom—and I once again wondered how long this living arrangement was going to last. He couldn’t keep sleeping on the couch forever.
Glancing at the bathroom door, I nibbled on my lip. The shower turned on. Was he just showering in there? Or was he taking care of other things?
How long had it been since he’d been with a woman? I had a very strong suspicion that he hadn’t had sex since before his injury. Years. That was years ago. But I’d be shocked if he had. He was so careful to stay covered. Hiding skin wasn’t exactly conducive to sex.
Although, hell, I’d find a way.
I needed to stop thinking about having sex with Leo. We were friends, and I was so grateful for that.
But god, I wanted more. I couldn’t deny it any more than the ocean could deny the moon. The tide rose and fell, and I wanted Leo Miles.
He came out about fifteen minutes later—fully dressed, of course—toweling off his damp hair. “Do you feel like going out? It’s cold, but not raining. I should probably go outside. I don’t think I did yesterday.”
“I don’t think I did either,” I said with a laugh. I was almost as much of a homebody as he was. Almost. “Sure, let’s get some fresh air.”
I went back to the bedroom and dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans, then put my hair in a ponytail. Leo had his coat on when I came out, the hood already pulled up. I wondered if he bundled up so much when the weather was hot, or if he just went out less. Or maybe at night.
We went outside and the early November air was indeed chilly. I zipped up my coat and tucked my hands in the pockets.
I followed Leo as he cut around behind his house to a trail that led away from the main grounds. It wasn’t lost on me that he avoided the guest areas of the winery. I didn’t really mind. I wasn’t as reclusive as Leo, but I was an introvert at heart. And there was something about living like this—just the two of us most of the time. I felt like I got him to myself, and I liked it.
He glanced over at me as we walked and gave me one of those heart-melting smiles. “Thanks for coming with me. This is nice.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Sometimes he held my hand when we walked, but I’d stupidly put my hands in my pockets. He’d done the same. But I was on his right. Maybe if I just took out my hand and slipped it in the crook of his elbow…
I did, holding my breath as I moved closer and tucked my hand in his arm. He glanced at me again, but didn’t pull away. My heart did a little happy dance.
“I’m going with my mom to see my father today,” he said.
I knew his father was in jail awaiting trial. Leo had told me the basics—his affairs, and his secret family. How he’d tried to take their land in the still-pending divorce, and later planted an illegal opium poppy crop on some unused acreage on the other side of their huge property. In short, his father sounded like a total piece of shit. “Wow. That’s a big deal.”
“It is. But she told me she’s going and I decided I need to go with her. She shouldn’t go alone.”
I wondered why Roland wasn’t taking her. Or even Brynn. I knew it wouldn’t be Cooper. The one time I’d seen their father mentioned in front of him, Cooper had gotten so angry, Amelia had needed to take him outside for a solid fifteen minutes to calm him down.
But I didn’t ask why he was going instead of someone else. If Leo felt he needed to be the one to go with her, I didn’t need to make it harder by questioning his choice.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“Thanks, but no,” he said. “I appreciate the offer, but this is just something I need to handle.”
I squeezed his bicep, enjoying how the solid muscle felt beneath my hand. “Sure. I understand.”
We came to a clearing with a large fire pit in the center. Surrounding it were a bunch of weathered camping chairs and homemade wooden benches.
“That’s a big fire pit,” I said.
“Have we not been over here?”
“No. What do you guys burn in there? That circle is huge.”
“Just wood, usually. Cooper’s a bit of a pyromaniac, especially when there’s beer involved. Ben built this, thinking a big fire pit would keep things contained no matter what they decided to burn.”
“Did it work?”
“Not really. Cooper just started building bigger fires.”
I tilted my head, looking at the charred pieces of wood in the center. There was a rusty coil amid the blackened logs. “Is that a metal spring?”
“Probably,” he said. “Must be from someone’s mattress.”
“A mattress? Why would you burn a mattress?”
“It’s… I don’t know, it’s a thing my family does. Cooper and Chase burned my mom’s mattress after she kicked my dad out. They burned Zoe’s after she and Roland got married. Then Chase burned his when he was engaged to Brynn. That mattress had seen a lot of action, if you know what I mean.”
I laughed. “So it was like a symbol of him leaving his manwhore days behind?”
“Exactly. Then Cooper burned his for Amelia. They always come back out here and clean up the stuff that doesn’t burn, but I guess they missed some last time. Anyway, if you haven’t figured it out by now, my family’s fucking weird.”
I laughed again, harder this time. “They’re not weird. They’re amazing.”
“You think so?”
I looked up at him. “Is that a serious question? Yes, your family’s awesome.”
He raised his eyebrows a
t me.
“Burning mattresses is pretty extra, I’ll give you that. But you’re really lucky to have them.”
“Yeah, you’re right about that. I’m very lucky to have them. Even Cooper and Chase. Hell, sometimes especially Cooper and Chase.” He paused for a moment, his gaze on the charred remains of wood and mattress parts. “Have you talked to your parents at all since you’ve been here?”
“Not really.” I nestled closer to him, taking comfort in his warmth. My parents were a sensitive subject. “I emailed them to let them know I’m here. They didn’t say much in response. Just Thanks for letting us know.”
“What happened with them?”
“It’s a long story.”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” he said.
“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind. It started in high school. I got in some trouble and it put a lot of strain on our relationship.”
“What kind of trouble?” he asked.
“Well…” I hesitated. “I kind of hacked into my high school’s network. We had a web-based portal where everyone had to log in and get messages from teachers and assignments and stuff. I hacked some other students’ cell phones and got screenshots of their text conversations and posted a bunch of them there.”
“Why?”
“They were classic mean girls. Huge bullies. They ruled that school, and the other girls either worshiped them or were terrified of them. Or both. They targeted this one girl at school, I don’t even know why. She was shy and overweight and they were just so mean to her. So I hacked into their phones and took screenshots of their text conversations. They were bashing each other, bashing their boyfriends, talking about getting drugs and who bought them alcohol, all kinds of crazy stuff.”
“Holy shit.”
“I know. A lot of people got in trouble. Kids got kicked off athletic teams because they were named. Fights broke out in the hallways because the girls were all cheating on their supposed boyfriends. It was chaos.”
“And you got caught, I take it,” he said.
I groaned. “Yeah. I got sloppy. It turned into a really big deal. I only got probation, but now I have a criminal record. And I got expelled from my high school. I still graduated—I went to an online school for the rest of the year—but I lost my college acceptances. I took a few years off after graduation and worked as a waitress while I taught myself graphic design. I went to college after that, but it kind of put a dent in my life for a while.”
“And your parents?”
“My dad was a strict military man,” I said. “He didn’t care why I’d done it. I’d broken rules—broken laws—and that was unforgivable.”
“He didn’t care that you were trying to help someone?”
“Not at the time. He softened up later, but then…” I sighed. “Then I started dating Jace. They came to visit and met him when we’d only been together a few months. I was still under the impression that Jace wasn’t an abusive ass. My parents saw right through him. They told me, and I thought they were being judgmental. We got in a big argument about it. They said some hurtful things, but I did too. Worse things, really. Our relationship has been strained ever since.”
“What about now?” he asked. “Do they know you’re not with him anymore?”
“Yeah, I told them. But it’s not like that fixes everything, you know? I pushed them away pretty hard over the last couple of years.”
“That sucks.”
“It does. I guess it’s one of those things I’ll have to figure out how to handle.”
“Those things aren’t easy,” he said. “Let me know if I can help.”
“Thanks.”
He smiled down at me again. I loved it when he did that. His blue-gray eyes crinkled at the corners, sending warm fuzzies tickling through me.
Without really thinking about it, I popped up on my tip-toes and went in for a kiss.
Leo stepped back, pulling his arm from my grasp, and turned before my lips had a chance to land on anything other than air.
Oh god. I covered my mouth and looked away, so embarrassed I thought I might die right there. Why had I done that?
And why had he stopped me?
“Hannah—”
“No.” I put my other hand up. “No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Can we just pretend that didn’t happen?”
“Gigz, I’m sorry.”
And there it was. My nickname. My gamer identity. Gigz wasn’t anyone’s girl—certainly not Leo’s. She was Badger’s gamer buddy. His friend. And that was fine. I understood Leo’s gentle reminder of who we were to each other. And I didn’t want to mess that up, regardless of what my traitorous lady parts had to say about it.
“It’s fine.” I turned to look at him. I didn’t want this to get so awkward that we couldn’t be friends anymore. I’d do just about anything to avoid that. “I just got a little carried away. It won’t happen again. Are we cool?”
There was tension around his eyes and his hands were clenched. “Yeah, of course we are.”
“Good.”
I didn’t slip my hand in his as we walked back to his house—even though he didn’t have his hands in his pockets. I walked beside him, keeping a little distance between us. Which I should have been doing all along.
But my heart was more than a little bit bruised.
Seventeen
Leo
I was either a man of iron will, or the world’s biggest idiot. I wasn’t sure which.
Hannah had tried to kiss me, and I’d pulled away. My reaction had been partially instinct. I flinched when people got too close, especially if they were anywhere near my face.
But I couldn’t blame this on a knee-jerk reaction. I’d felt her coming—known exactly what she’d been about to do—and I’d made the conscious choice to stop her.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to kiss her. I wanted her so badly it drove me crazy. Living with her was practically self-flagellation. I loved it—loved having her near me all the time. But I wanted her in all sorts of ways I shouldn’t. Ways that I couldn’t. And it was killing me to deny myself.
But I was too broken to love her. I was too broken to love anyone.
Selfishly, I’d kept her in my house. Conveniently failed to suggest we move her things into the other cottage. Made room for her on my desk. Put her things away in my cupboards and closets, all the while telling myself I could maintain distance. Enjoy having her close, but allow her to live her own life.
I was a fucking liar.
We got back home and after hanging up her coat, Hannah went to our desk and put on her headphones, saying she had work to do. Which was probably true. But I knew I’d hurt her feelings, and I hated that it had been necessary. I’d have to find a way to explain it to her.
But how? Remind her that I was a mental basket-case?
I’d have to figure it out later. I didn’t want my mom deciding to go see Dad without me, so I said goodbye to Hannah. She smiled and wiggled her fingers at me in a little wave. I decided to take that as a good sign. She didn’t seem too upset.
I found my mom at her house, putting on her coat.
“Hi, Leo. I was just about to leave.”
“And I’m still going with you.”
“Honey, are you sure?” She slid her arms into her coat and adjusted the collar.
“Yes.” My instinct to protect my mom was very strong—especially when it came to my dad—but that wasn’t why I needed to do this. Or at least, it wasn’t the only reason. “Look, if you don’t want an audience when you talk to him, that’s fine. I’ll give you privacy. But I don’t want you going alone. And I want to talk to him, too.”
“That’s fair. But are you sure you can handle… all of this?”
“Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been out since that first time.”
“You’ve been out with Hannah,” Mom said. “And this isn’t a trip to the grocery store. This is a lot, Leo. You don’t have to.”
He
r insistence that I didn’t have to only hardened my resolve. “Yeah, I kind of do.”
She looked at me for a long moment before nodding. “Okay. Let’s go.”
We went outside and got into her car. She didn’t watch me as she drove out of the winery and into town, heading toward the highway. I was glad for that. I hated that it was still so hard for me to leave.
But it was. Really fucking hard, if I was being honest. And it was so much worse without Hannah.
That realization hit me like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t keep using Hannah as a crutch to make me functional. That wasn’t fair to her. But damn it, I would have been much calmer if she’d have been here. Just her presence was enough to keep me stable.
It was on me, today. And Mom was right. This wasn’t a quick trip to the store. Or even a meal in a restaurant. Those things were uncomfortable, but Hannah had helped me through them. This was a trip to see my piece of shit father—in prison, no less.
“Does he know you’re coming?” I asked.
Mom shook her head. “No.”
That was probably for the best.
We drove in silence for a while. It was about an hour to where Dad was being held. I had a feeling Mom wanted to say something. Or maybe she was worried about me. She kept glancing over like she was about to talk, then closing her mouth again.
“Life with your dad wasn’t always terrible,” she said, finally breaking the silence.
“Yeah, I know. It wasn’t for me, either.”
She glanced at me. “It’s good to hear you say that. I know he wasn’t a good father most of the time.”
“No, but… he was sometimes. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s better or worse. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just hate him.”
“I know what you mean,” she said. “It’s hard to reconcile the good memories I have of him, and us, with the things he’s done.”
“He must have been a lot different when you got married.” I couldn’t imagine my mom choosing to be with the man my father was now.
“We were both different. I was young and so naive. He came into my life and swept me off my feet. Looking back, I think that was the part he enjoyed. He liked the chase. When that was over…” She shrugged.
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