Surrendered

by Monica James

  “Ava—” he says, his voice rough.

  But I stop him, planting a soft kiss on his wet lips. He returns the kiss, but for the first time ever, there is no love behind that kiss. I only feel regret and broken promises.

  I pull away, turning my back on the man I will love with my last breath.

  My hand is braced on the doorknob, and I’m ready to face the unknown without Jasper.

  “Ava… I’m sorry. I—” Jasper chokes, sniffing back his tears.

  I don’t turn to face him because if I see him weeping, I will never leave.

  I commit to memory everything about Jasper, and smile at all the happy times we’ve shared.

  And that, that is something I will never forget.

  With a deep, final breath I smile. “Don’t,” I whisper, my tears now spilling free. “Let it be. Just let it be.”

  I drive home in a haze.

  I don’t remember signaling or stopping at red lights. I’m on autopilot. And that’s because I know once I let the reality of what has just happened sink in, I won’t resurface. Jasper and I have fought, and we have broken up, but not once did I feel this hollow, this broken inside. I know this is it. This is really the end.

  Slipping into my bed, I shut out the world. I close my heart on all things Jasper because it just hurts to feel.

  Sleep is normally the best cure for a heartache. But what happens when you can’t sleep? What happens when you get hit with the insomnia bat, and all you crave is to slip into a thoughtless slumber, but can’t?

  I tell you what happens. You go crazy.

  You think about every single word you have ever spoken. Every single kiss you have ever received. Every single moment of your life comes crashing down, and is amplified by ten thousand because you can’t shut it out with sleep.

  I haven’t slept for three days, but I’m not tired. I’m just numb.

  I have taken up permanent residency in my favorite armchair, staring out at the world before me, watching people living life like it is worth the trouble.

  I look like shit.

  I smell like shit.

  I feel like shit.

  I don’t deserve Jasper in my life. I don’t deserve someone as good as him, because all I seem to do is fuck it up. Is it in my DNA for me to fuck up with the best thing that has ever happened to me time and time again?

  I should have told him. I should have shown him. But I know it wouldn’t have made a difference. In hindsight, I would have done so many things differently. I would have said things I should have said. But that’s the fucked up thing about hindsight, you can’t change it.

  Wrapping the woolen blanket around myself, I curl up into a ball, willing sleep to numb the pain.

  It never does.

  Day five of my life without Jasper—yup, still sucks.

  I have showered but not eaten, as the thought of putting anything into my stomach actually makes me feel nauseous.

  Thankfully, the world has let me switch off, and when I say world, I mean V. Knowing Lucas, he probably has her under lock and key, but I’m certain any moment now she will come charging through my door, telling me to snap the hell out of it.

  I’m attempting to study, as I have finals just around the corner, but all the words may as well be in Hungarian because they read in a different language.

  Thumping my head on the desk, I eye my iPod longingly; I’m not going to listen to my depressing playlist… again.

  As I gaze out the window in a daze, my bedroom door swings open and hits the wall with a loud thud. I don’t have to turn around to know who it is.

  “I don’t want to talk, V.”

  V storms over to me, spinning my chair around to face her. “I don’t care what you want. This isn’t about you.”

  I scrunch up my brow. “Then who is it about?”

  “Me!” she says, like I’m daft for not knowing the answer.

  “What about you?” I ask, humoring her.

  She slumps onto the bed and grabs the edge of my chair, rolling me towards her.

  “I want my best friend back,” she says seriously.

  I instantly feel bad. I have totally ignored my best friend. My pregnant best friend.

  “I’m sorry, V,” I mumble, trying to push away from her but am unsuccessful, as she still has a tight hold on my chair.

  “Tell me in ten words or less what happened.” She huffs, holding up ten fingers.

  Looking at her and her fingers, I sigh, as I don’t need ten words. Three will suffice.

  “We broke up.”

  V pushes my chair away from her and stands, hands on hips. “I figured as much. What happened?”

  Oh God, I don’t even know where to begin, as so much has happened there isn’t one singular event to summarize why it went to shit.

  I decide to show her as I hand her the photo, whose edge I have been fingering over and over, deep in thought.

  The confusion on V’s face is clear when she sees it. But before I get bombarded with questions, I hand her the piece of paper that confirms Danielle is Lucifer.

  V reads over it quickly and her mouth drops so far open, I can see the back of her throat.

  “Hey, when did you get your tongue pierced?” I ask, which is totally irrelevant and random.

  V ignores me and instead yells, “MOTHERFUCKER!”

  “V! My parents are home,” I whisper, not wanting them to know something is up.

  So far I have been able to evade them, but with V hollering the way she is, my ruse will soon be busted.

  “Sorry,” she says, thankfully a lot quieter. “I don’t get it. Why did he break up with you? Shouldn’t he be breaking up with his mom, or at least breaking her face?” she adds, sitting back down.

  I shrug and explain the whole situation, not leaving out a single detail.

  “MOTHERFUCKER!” she yells once I have finished telling her my depressing tale.

  This time however, I don’t reprimand her, as my feelings echo her choice of words.

  “Why didn’t you tell him about all this?” she asks, holding up the photo. “He has a right to know,” she adds.

  “I know, V, but he won’t believe me. He chose to believe his mom and Indie.” Saying their names feels like I have tar in my mouth.

  “Why didn’t you fight him? Make him believe you,” V asks, biting her nail nervously.

  I shrug. “Because I’m tired of fighting, V. He wouldn’t believe me anyway, and I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I just should have told him I wasn’t pregnant the day I found out.”

  I know I’m to blame for the mess I’m in, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better admitting fault.

  “Well, he’s a jackass. I know you two will work it out, you always do.”

  Biting my lip, I pull my sleeves over my fingers as I suddenly have a chill. I give V a ghost of smile, because this time around, I don’t agree with her.

  I don’t know how, or why, I agreed to come to the mall with V, because whichever way you look at it, it’s just a horrible idea.

  V has dragged me to store after store, adamant I need a graduation outfit. I bite my tongue and decide not to tell her that I haven’t even passed yet. And also, this ‘outfit’ won’t be seen, as I will be wearing a gown over it.

  But, whatever. It’s better than sitting at home and staring at the walls like I belong in a straightjacket.

  V finally decides on an outfit (which I don’t even recall trying on). I pay for it, without even looking at the garment or price. I just want to get out of the store, because the sympathetic eyes of the sales clerk begins tugging at my heartstrings, and my eyes instantly begin to water.

  “I need a coffee,” I sigh, walking through the crowded mall, dragging my feet.

  “You need more than a coffee,” V adds. “Hairbrush, Ava. You and it should become reacquainted, and soon.”

  I run my fingers through my hair and it catches on the knots.

  Yikes, I’m glad I don’t know what I look like.
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  Oblivious to my surroundings, V yanks my upper arm and drags me into an Adult Superstore, stocked with the latest ‘toys’ from God knows where.

  “What the hell?” I question, cringing when I see a sign, announcing they have the Thumper Three in stock.

  I don’t even want to know what Thumper Three, Two or One can do.

  V puts her finger to her lips and gestures with her head to the front window. I humor her and look, not seeing anyone or anything of interest. That is, until I see three people, who look too painstakingly happy for my liking. Well, two look happy, the other looks… well, he looks kinda like how I look and feel.

  Like shit.

  And those three people are, Danielle, Jasper, and Indie. And in that order, as Jasper is wedged between the two wicked witches of the west.

  Spinning around, I lose my footing, but thankfully V is there to lend me her shoulder.

  “What. The. Fuck?” I sneer silently.

  V shrugs, subtly looking over my shoulder.

  “What are they doing?” I ask, about to burst.

  V shrugs. “Not much. Jasper looks like you, good to know,” she comments.

  “I’m following them,” I declare, storming off in hot pursuit.

  “Wait, Ava, slow down,” V says, chasing after me.

  I stop and face her. “I’m doing this.”

  V nods, smiling cheekily. “Oh babe, I wasn’t going to stop you. I was going to say wait for me.”

  I give my best friend a big smile, and we start our hunt.

  After forty-five minutes of trailing Jasper and the Whores of Babylon, they thankfully sit down at the food court. My feet are killing me.

  V has gone to get us some nachos, and I’m slouching low in my chair, snooping the hell outta the situation in front of me.

  Jasper has nodded and half smiled his way through conversations, but I know him, and I know he’s not happy. And as morbid as this sounds, it actually makes me feel remotely better that he isn’t out celebrating our separation.

  I cringe when I witness Indie reach for Jasper’s hand and he doesn’t push her away. He doesn’t look happy about it, but he also doesn’t tell her to keep her claws to herself.

  Surprisingly, it isn’t Indie who makes me break out into a cold sweat. It’s Danielle. With every laugh, smile, and breath she takes, she’s driving me deeper and deeper into a raging fury.

  She looks… happy, elated actually. And I know the reason for that happiness is because I’m out of the picture.

  Well, she has another thing coming!

  Kicking back my chair, I storm off, so tempted am I to slam her face into the curry she’s eating.

  V chases after me, and I only stop when I’ve placed enough distance between me and Danielle.

  “What’s the matter? Well, apart from the obvious,” V asks breathlessly.

  “I fucking hate her!” I yell.

  A mother walking past us ushers her child away from the crazy, swearing person that would be me.

  “Okay, calm down, what happened?” V asks kindly, putting her hand on my arm.

  The sentiment is enough to tip me over the edge, and I begin crying angry, gut wrenching tears.

  “Ava?” V asks, looking at me with a worried gleam in her eyes.

  “Why does she get to have him? She doesn’t deserve to be happy. I will not… let… her… win,” I say, gasping for air.

  “That’s my girl,” V smirks. “What do you have in mind?” she asks, clapping her hands sinisterly.

  “Something I should have done five days ago.”

  Have I done the right thing?

  It’s too late now, my conscience pipes up. What’s done is done.

  I just hope I won’t regret my decision in the morning.

  It has now been nine days since I’ve spoken to Jasper. He hasn’t tried to contact me, nor I him, and I feel fucking empty inside.

  But now that my plan has been set into motion, I have hope that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay.

  I’m dressed in jeans and my favorite Little Sisters t-shirt, and am ready for ‘Operation Danielle is Going Down’ to commence.

  I chew my fingernail anxiously, looking at my phone, waiting for it to ring.

  Thankfully, I don’t have to wait too long.

  “Hello,” I answer, a little too desperately.

  “Ava?”

  Okay, not who I was expecting.

  “Yes, this is she.”

  “Oh hello, Ava, this is Thomas.”

  Oh shit.

  Silence.

  “Are you there?” Thomas asks.

  “Yes, sorry, um, I’m here,” I reply, flustered.

  “Ava, I’ll keep this short… we would like to offer you the job at Metropolis in New York.”

  Silence.

  “Ava?” Thomas asks once again.

  I can’t speak so I let out a croak, hoping Thomas will know I’m still on the line.

  “I know this comes as a bit of shock—”

  A bit of shock? Try freakin’ rendered speechless!

  “You have three days to think about the offer, and come back to me with an answer,” Thomas says happily.

  Has he forgotten what a disaster my interview was? Like a rambling, incoherent, spilling my guts kinda disaster.

  “Talk to you soon, Ava,” Thomas says and hangs up.

  Well, I’ll be damned. I never thought I had a chance, but now, now this changes everything.

  The phone vibrates in my hand, indicating I have a new text message.

  My heart begins beating wildly when I see who it’s from. After a minute of centering myself, I read the text aloud:

  I’m ready.

  I have to pee.

  But as I stare up at Danielle’s house, I know using her toilet is not an option.

  Taking one last look at myself in the visor, I chant my mantra: I can do this, I can do this.

  I pin back a tendril of hair, which is annoyingly slipping into my eyes, because when I do this, I want nothing inhibiting my vision.

  I wait for the text message, which I receive right on the hour.

  It’s time.

  With one last brave breath, I look at my reflection and nod—it’s time.

  I slam my car door shut, as I’m not trying to be quiet or sneaky. I want them to know I’m here.

  As I pass Jasper’s truck, which is parked on the front lawn, I fondly extend my hand and stroke the panels as I walk past. Here’s hoping once this is over with, I get to see the inside of it once again. But I know, once this is over, things will change. Life as we know it will never be the same.

  As I ascend the porch steps, all my fears disappear as I see Danielle and Indie, cackling together through the front window. They don’t have a care in the world. Well, that’s about to change.

  I approach the front door and knock loudly to be heard over the shrieking that is Danielle, laughing like a hyena at something Indie has just said. Thankfully it stops, and the door opens seconds later.

  “What are you doing here?” sneers a seething Danielle, her eyes narrowing when she sees me standing voluntarily on her porch.

  I shrug, not fazed by her death stares. “To give you your birthday present,” I smile sweetly, attempting to walk inside.

  She slaps her hand against the door frame, prohibiting me from entering. She looks a little startled that I’m aware of the fact that today is her birthday, but she doesn’t address it. She, however, addresses me in another way.

  “Oh no, you don’t!” she snarls. “You’re not welcome in my home. Leave.”

  I don’t budge however, and stand my ground, making it clear that I’m not moving an inch.

  This angers her further, her cheeks flushing a scarlet red. Her voice raises an octave as she leans forward sinisterly. “You have some nerve showing your face here, after everything you’ve done to my son.”

  I clench my fists behind my back as I’m tempted to slap her lying face. I take a deep breath to calm down, closing my
eyes to center myself.

  As I reopen them, I reply calmly, “This won’t take a minute.”

  “No,” she sneers. “Get off my property and stay away from my son!” She yells so loudly, I swear birds have taken flight.

  “Mom… let her in.”

  I hear him before I see his cerulean eyes looking at me longingly, and we start doing our stare off where no one else exists. My pulse begins galloping violently, like a wild horse has taken over my body and is currently running circles around my heart. I have to remind myself that I need air to breathe. But looking into Jasper’s hungry gaze, I know I only need him to survive.

  “Jasper, no,” Danielle says, never taking her eyes off me.

  Jasper never breaks eye contact with me as he sighs. “Mom… move.”

  When Danielle shows no sign of budging, he clenches his jaw and says, “Now.”

  “What the fuck is she doing here?” Indie screeches as she makes her way to Jasper’s side. “Haven’t you done enough?” she says, latching her arm through his and staring at me all smug.

  Thankfully, Jasper shrugs out of her claws, and I try not to gloat at her surprised reaction.

  So, I have a barricade of two women, determined to keep me away from the man I love.

  But no more.

  Pushing past Danielle, I bump straight into Jasper’s solid chest, and he takes a step back to steady me. The feelings of familiarity overwhelm me, and I need to take a collected breath before I lose my nerve. I slowly meet his heated eyes, and he returns my gaze of reckless need.

  But I shake those thoughts aside, because I’m on a mission to destroy the two people who destroyed me.

  After it’s done, I’ll deal with Jasper and the repercussions of my actions, because what I’m about to do is going to change his life forever.

  Jasper steadies me by my waist, his hands circling my middle.

  “What are you doing here?” he asks, softly sliding his thumb under the hem of my t-shirt, stroking my skin unintentionally.

  Old habits die hard.

  Staring into his eyes, I know now is the time to shatter his world.