Sweet Tea and Sass

by Tegan Maher

  "Listen up, Santa," she said, her tone brooking no argument. "We're trying to help you here, but we can't do diddly squat if you keep information from us. We don't care what skeletons or scandals you're keeping up there in the great frozen tundra, but down here on the Gulf of Mexico, you managed to lose the hat that holds the key to joy, goodwill, and peace on earth. Despite the better judgment of your wife, I might add. Now, if you know this Snow dude, spill."

  He pulled in a breath and released it.

  "Oh, for sleigh bell’s sakes, Kris,” Carol said, “just tell them already. If you don't, I will."

  He scowled at her, but complied. "Fine. Mike was a good elf, but he started hitting the eggnog pretty hard when his wife ran off with a guy from the letters department. I tried to keep him busy. I suggested he talk to Jeff over in elf mental health. The job can be taxing, especially once July rolls around and we kick it into high gear, and it was just too much for him on top of his personal issues. I couldn't pull him back from the brink. When I caught him doing the reindeer shuffle with Myrynda from the costume department, I had to let him go." He ran a hand over his jolly face. "There are just some things bows shouldn’t go on."

  I rocked back on my heels, pretty sure I was never gonna get the visual out of my head again, either. For that matter, now I was gonna wash anything I got for Christmas before wearing it for the rest of my life.

  A handsome man whom I immediately identified as a werewolf approached the table.

  "Well," he said as he laid his hand on Destiny's shoulder, "it looks like we have a suspect, then."

  My attention wavered from the conversation for a minute. When Destiny put her hand over his and gave it a squeeze, I realized he must be Colin, her boyfriend of several months.

  She made some quick introductions, then we got back to the business at hand.

  "Do you have a picture of him, or can you describe him?" I asked. Carol pulled a giant, red-and-white striped phone out of her beach bag and scrolled through her gallery for a few seconds before turning the screen to us.

  "The third elf from the left. That was our kick-off party back in June."

  The man was tall, at least for an elf, and wore a blurry expression and a sloppy smile. Apparently there had been free eggnog, and he'd taken care to get his money's worth.

  Kris held up a hand. "Why are you asking about Mike, anyway?"

  "Because he's here," Destiny said. "And if there's an elf with a grudge, I think that would be the logical place to start."

  Carol pursed her lips and her gaze drifted for a minute in thought. "He's a good guy, but he's quite angry. I hate to think of any of our elves doing something like this, but he threw a fit when Kris fired him."

  She cast a compassionate look at her husband, who was still toying with his straw and staring into his drink like it held the secrets of the universe. "It's only the second time in history that he's had to do it, and it hurt him every bit as much as it did Mike. Maybe more, considering Kris was sober when he did it."

  "Yeah, and there are some things you just can't unsee,” Kris said, finally looking at us. “Thankfully it was the woman's fitting room so I don't have to go in there, but I was so disappointed."

  "Would you be able to see through a glamour?" I asked.

  Carol and Kris looked at each other, considering. "I'm not sure," she said. "We've never had occasion to try. Of course, we're stronger at the North Pole, and there's not much that slips by us, but we've never had anybody try to hide their true image before."

  "Though I wish Mike and Myrynda would have gone to the effort," Kris grumbled.

  I did my best to swallow a smile.

  "Now that we know he's here, we'll keep an eye out," Carol assured us.

  "He was just here a little bit ago," Destiny said, scanning the beach. "You had to have just missed him. He said he was going for a walk on the beach, so he probably went that way." She motioned to the stretch of beach behind them where a few kids were splashing in the surf while their parents reclined on a beach blanket.

  It was then that I noticed there was a water bar that extended out into the ocean. Three people sat at it sipping drinks, submerged to the waist.

  "We're going to be here a while,” Carol said, following Destiny’s gaze, “so if we recognize him, we'll call you. Just give me your number."

  They exchanged info and we left.

  "So you're the famed Cori, huh?" Colin asked once we were out of earshot and almost back to the tiki.

  "I am," I said, "though I don't know about the famed part."

  Destiny bumped into me as we walked, grinning. "Infamous is more like it. Cori's the serious one in the family. I was hoping to drag her here and force her to let her hair down and have a good time."

  By that time, we were climbing back onto our stools at the bar. A rivulet of sweat trickled down my back, and I was glad to be back in the shade. Bob noticed I was dabbing my forehead with my napkin, and turned a fan so it was blowing on us.

  The brunette turned toward me and stuck her hand out. "I'm Stephanie," she said, and I admired the tattoos on her arms again.

  "Cori," I replied, shaking her hand. The werewolf in me made me tough, but her grip about crushed the bones in my hand. I pulled it back and put my hand down beneath the bar to shake it out, hoping she didn't notice.

  "Did I hear you talking to the man over there about an elf?" she asked.

  "Yeah," Destiny said. "Have you seen one?"

  She shook her head. "Not today. Yesterday there was one here, but I'm just stopping over for the weekend. I'm needed back in Asgard in a couple days for training."

  "Asgard," I said, wondering where that was at. Being a huge Thor fan, I knew Asgard was the mythical home of the gods, but surely she wasn't talking about there. Then I took a closer look at the tattoos and her lithe, muscled frame. She had the body of a warrior, and when it dawned on me that she meant the Asgard, I—yes me, the girl who never knows when to keep her mouth shut—was struck speechless when I realized she was a Valkyrie.

  "Yes, Asgard," she replied, thankfully oblivious to my fan-girling. "It's my home. You've heard of it?"

  "Uh," I said, trying to find my tongue. And my brain. "Yeah, I've heard of it. So, do you know Thor?"

  She rolled her eyes and huffed out an exasperated sigh. "Why does everybody always ask about him? I mean, I know he's handsome, but as far as skill, he wouldn't be much without the hammer. If I've told Zeus once, I've told him a thousand times—the man may not always have it. He needs to practice not getting his ass kicked without it. Why, even my newest girl can take him in less than five minutes in a fair fight, minus that crutch."

  I know it was stupid, but I was stuck between being in total awe of sipping drinks with an honest-to-gods mythical warrior, and wanting to defend my favorite superhero. I mean, c'mon. Chris Helmsworth? What's not to love? Then I realized she knew that actual Thor.

  "Her next drink is on me," I said to Bob, who gave me a knowing wink. I was officially checking something off my bucket list I hadn't even known was on there—chilling with a Valkyrie. I owed Sean big time.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  "So tell me why you're looking for this elf," Stephanie said, taking a sip from her pink frozen drink. She scowled when the little umbrella almost poked her in the eye, then plucked it out and stabbed it into the wooden post by her head. "Do I need to smite him if I see him?"

  I almost smiled at Stephanie's narrowed eyes and use of the word smite, then thought better of it. I liked having all my limbs.

  "No, Stephanie," Destiny said, "smiting won't be necessary, at least not yet. Somebody stole that man over there's hat, and we're trying to get it back. Mike is just an elf of interest for now."

  "Oh," Stephanie said, looking a little disappointed. "You Earth people handle things so much differently than you did a couple thousand years ago. The Romans, now. Those people knew how to extract information and dole out punishment."

  "As much as I'd like to feed some people to the
lions," Colin said, "it's frowned upon."

  Now that made me laugh.

  "You didn't answer the question," Stephanie said, so Destiny gave her the rundown.

  "So that's really him?" she asked, sounding awed. "The man who takes gifts to every person on the planet in just one night, and puts joy in the hearts of all?" She eyed Kris in wonder for a couple seconds, then pursed her lips in thought.

  "Yeah, why?" Alex asked, finally speaking up. He'd shot me a dirty look when I'd fan-girled over Thor, though I didn't know why. I mean, it wasn't like I'd ever meet the man in person. Even if I did, I was perfectly happy with what I had.

  A delicate brow arched upward and Stephanie shrugged, taking some of the scariness away from her demeanor. "I guess I just expected the pictures of him to be inaccurate. I figured a man who had that much endurance would be more ... streamlined, I suppose. I wasn't really expecting the whole bowl full of jelly thing to be true."

  Destiny shook her head and gave her friend a lopsided grin. "You never fail to make me smile, Steph. I'm glad you're here."

  Stephanie raised her glass and we all gave a toast.

  "To friends and world peace," I said.

  The Valkyrie gave me a befuddled look as she tapped her glass against my coconut. As a warrior, I guess it would be harder for her to grasp the value of the concept.

  Colin took a sip of his drink. "Now we need to narrow things down because we don't have much time."

  "You need to think like a thief," Stephanie said as she lowered her glass. "Who benefits from the hat going missing?"

  I took a deep breath and released it as I glanced at the menu Bob had put in front of me. "It would be so much easier if the Grinch were a real person,” I said. “Then at least we'd have a place to start."

  Bob looked at me and cocked a brow, looking at me like I was missing something.

  "No way," I said after a few seconds when he remained silent. "He's not real, too. C'mon."

  He and Destiny continued to just look at me, expressions solemn.

  "Wow," I said, my mind officially blown. I wouldn’t be surprised if they mentioned Whoville next.

  After a few seconds, they erupted in laughter and Destiny punched me on the arm. "Jeez, Cori. You made that one too easy. As far as I know, the Grinch is not a real dude. Though I've certainly seen my share of folks who embody the spirit."

  "Yeah," I answered, scowling at her. "And just for messin' with me, I'm gonna be the one to figure out where the hat went, then ask Santa to fill your yard with unicorn poop, extra fart glitter, as my reward."

  Colin gave a low whistle. "Man, Destiny, you were right. The girl is creative in her vindictiveness."

  "Hey!" I said, slamming my brows down and crossing my arms. "I'm not vindictive. I just like to give Karma a hand every now and then. She's very busy."

  Alex coughed in his hand to cover a laugh and I found myself smiling, too.

  "Besides, I could wish a lot worse than unicorn poop on you if I really was vindictive. Shoot, now that I think about it, I wouldn't make it a wish. I’d just do it myself. The fun is in the doing."

  "So, who else is here, Bob?" Alex asked, getting back to business. "Anybody who may have it out for Santa?"

  That was such an absurd thought I couldn't even wrap my head around it, but Bob took it seriously.

  He thought for a minute as he wiped down the bar. "I'm not sure. The tooth fairy’s here, but she’s been hammered since she got here. I doubt she’d have the gumption to do anything besides drag herself to her room. There was a Cupid here earlier, but he seemed happy. Young guy, still enthralled by the process of making people fall in looove." He rolled his eyes. "He's in for a big disappointment when he looks at his long-term success rates in a few years, though. He's pickin' low-hanging fruit from free dating websites to boost his monthly match rates."

  The Bigfoot furrowed his brow and scratched his jaw. "That about covers all the big names who are here right now. It's pretty slow because of the holidays. We have a few gorgons, some vampires—you know, the standard vacationers—but I can't imagine why anybody have anything against Kris, at least in theory. Is it possible this is just a prank?"

  Alex shook his head. "This is too complicated for a prank. I mean, if he'd left it out and some kids had picked it up unknowingly, that would be one thing, but it was locked away in his safe. Somebody went through a lot of trouble and used some serious magic to get it."

  "Christmas is a strange but beautiful custom," Stephanie said. "The man goes around spreading happiness and giving people what they want for a living. I can't imagine anybody wanting to get rid of him for what his job entails in general, so I think you're looking for somebody with a personal grudge. Maybe somebody didn't get what they wanted last year."

  "That makes sense to me too," I said. After all, you didn't hear of accountants or waitresses or even politicians—usually—getting killed because of what they did for a living. "So we need to find out if Kris has made any enemies."

  "Yeah," Colin said with a trace of sarcasm. "And we only have to think back a couple thousand years. Piece of cake."

  The Valkyrie shook her head, the little white ball on the tip of her hat swinging side to side. "No," she said. "Revenge may best be served cold, but not old and moldy. Think recently." She turned to Destiny. "Are you sure you don't need me to take them down? Any enemy of Christmas is an enemy of mine. It's my favorite holiday of any plane or planet."

  Personally, as a huge fan of Christmas, I didn't think letting a Valkyrie dole out the punishment was such a bad idea. I happened to think whoever could pull something like this off deserved what they got, but I wasn't the one in control.

  Destiny shook her head. "We've got it, Steph."

  Stephanie nodded, but something told me she wasn't the type to let it go. Call me suspicious, but when one of the fiercest warriors in history is personally offended—and there was no doubt she was—I didn't think she'd be the type to stand down. I wondered idly if there were any coliseums on Asgard, because if so, this guy was a goner if she got to him before we did.

  CHAPTER NINE

  We sat for a few more minutes finishing our drinks, but the elf never came back to the tiki. "It's a shame he's wearing a glamour," I said. "Otherwise, Santa would be able to spot him right off."

  "Oh," Destiny said, waving a hand. "That's done. Once the security wards dropped, all glamours were nulled. There's no hiding. We've only used those wards once in the entire time the resort's been open—they're no joke."

  That was a relief, anyway. At least now we'd be able to recognize him.

  "Look," Destiny said. "Why don't you two relax and get something to eat. Hang out here, and if you see him, send Chaos for me. I need to go talk to Blake about what we should do next. For that matter, where are Chaos and Tempest?" She glanced around the tiki, then shaded her eyes as she looked toward the pool, then down toward the beach.

  "There they are," she said, pointing toward the water bar. Sure enough, both foxes were there, talking to the couple I'd noticed earlier.

  "Tempest is introducing her to Dax and Amber. They're some of her favorite people."

  Colin hmphed. "The fact that they always give her their leftover salmon sandwiches has a lot to do with that."

  "That must be a family trait," Alex said, smiling. "Anytime Chaos gets in a snit, all it takes is food to bring her back around."

  "Yeah," I added, "As evidenced by the size of her backside."

  Destiny laughed. "I did notice she's put on a few pounds. Tempest would be big as a barrel if we didn't do so much walking around here. I swear she eats her weight in food every day."

  I shook my head. "I've been trying to get Chaos to eat more healthy stuff, but she's a fan favorite of every restaurant owner in town." I watched as she talked the mermaid couple up, and groaned when the woman offered her a fry. "And apparently whatever other town she visits, too."

  "Let them have their fun," Bob said, setting a cheeseburger in front of me. "It's
Christmas."

  "You're right." I reached for the ketchup and squirted a glob of it onto my plate. "Besides, it's not like I can stop her anyway." I bit into the burger and groaned. "Holy cow. Literally. This is the best burger I've ever tasted—it's gotta be blessed by the gods."

  Alex shot me a dirty look. "I'm telling Sully you said that."

  I narrowed my eyes at him, juice running down my forearms. "You wouldn't," I said around a mouthful of burger.

  "Wouldn't I?" He bit into his, and I smirked at the look of surprised bliss that washed over his face.

  "I won't tell if you won't," I said, going in for another bite.

  "Deal," he said with his mouth full, and reached out to me for a burger-juice fistbump.

  "Who's Sully?" Colin asked.

  "He owns Sully's, our local sports bar," I said, "And prides himself on his food—for good reason. I've known him since I was a kid, and he'd consider it an act of treason if he heard me say that." I thought for a second about that. "For that matter, I consider it an act of treason, but can't bring myself to take it back."

  Destiny reached around me and grabbed a fry. "Well, y'all enjoy. I'll let you know what I find out, and if you see the elf, let me know. I'll go down and tell Tempest to hang close. Closer, I mean." We told her we would, and she and Colin headed toward the water bar.

  We chitchatted with Stephanie for a while—I got the feeling she wasn't quite used to shooting the breeze—then debated whether or not to go for a walk on the beach.

  "Do you think we should stay up here just in case the elf comes back through?" I asked, not wanting to let Destiny down.

  "Nah," Bob said, clearing our plates and setting a couple big glasses of water in front of us. "Drink," he instructed. "It's easy to get dehydrated down here when you're not used to the heat, especially if you're drinking those." He pointed toward the coconut in my hand.

  I took the water, then wiped sweat from my forehead with my napkin again. The warmth was a welcome change from the miserable weather at home, but I wasn't sure I'd like it all the time. I enjoyed my seasons. Plus it seemed strange to be sitting there in ninety-degree weather with Christmas ornaments hanging everywhere and lights twinkling. Christmas was supposed to be snowy. It was the only good thing about winter.