by A. S. Kelly
Not everything can be fixed. Things get broken and tape isn’t enough to stick it back together, nor is superglue able to put all the pieces back as they were.
Sometimes the pieces are so small, little crumbs strewn on the floor that you can’t pick up without a broom and a dustpan and once you have, there’s nothing left to do but throw them out, because they’re not good for anything.
And that’s how I feel.
I’m not in pieces.
I’m not in crumbs.
I’m powder, that you could only blow away.
16
Liam
“What the hell happened?” Aaron crosses the hotel room in a rush without giving me time to speak.
I came back here for three days without letting myself be seen or heard, and it’s cost me quite a bit. Not being able to see her, even if it’s only through the window of the pub, has been devastating.
“And what’s that? Have you taken to alcohol or is there more?” he accuses, indicating the bottle of Jameson that is now empty on the table.
His insinuations don’t hurt me.
I deserve them.
“Do you want to tell me what the fuck you did to her?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Liam, don’t piss me off.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Then why has she been in her room crying for three days? And why haven’t you shown your face at the pub? Don’t tell me a bunch of bullshit, okay? Don’t make me regret I opened the door to you.”
“She’s—”
“—She’s a fucking basket case! And it’s your fault!”
I fall back into the bed crossing my arms over my face. I shouldn’t have gotten this close, I shouldn’t hope and feed something that can never be.
“I’m sorry.”
Again.
No one believes it anymore.
Not even me.
I knew full well what I was doing and I knew it was wrong, and yet I did it just the same without considering the consequences.
“I have no need for your excuses. You knew what the situation was. She’s not like you, she’s not like us, Liam. You can’t go in and out of her life as it damn well pleases you. She suffers. She’s so sensitive, Christ—I asked you not to do it, Liam. I asked you one fucking thing!”
The pain in my head is hammering incessantly thanks to my thoughts, the sleep I didn’t get and the bottle I emptied.
“Are you high?” Aaron suddenly asks.
“No,” I answer dryly.
I’m not high, even though I would like to be right now.
“You wanna tell me what happened? I think I have the right to know,” Aaron demands.
“You think so, huh? Well I don’t. It’s her life, not yours.”
“Well, in this case our lives are very intertwined.”
“You should let her live, Aaron,” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed with my elbows on my knees. “She deserves it.”
“And what would you know about it, Liam? I’m the one who takes care of her with the guys. If it wasn’t for me, what would have happened to her? They would have put her in some home for people with mental problems where she would have rotted to death every day.”
“Maybe she would have made a comeback.”
“What does that mean?” Aaron asks. “That it’s my fault if she doesn’t remember? If everything in her life has gone to hell?”
“I’m just saying maybe it’s convenient for you that she doesn’t remember. It’s convenient having her under your watch, being able to check on everything she does.”
“You’re joking, right? What makes you think so, huh? Do you think she’s happy how she lives, the fact that she can never have a man, a family, a job that would gratify her?”
“What the hell do you know?” I yell, jumping off the bed and facing him. “She could have everything she wants, if you’d let her breathe a little. She just needs to find her way, but it has to be her way, her choice for herself and not your choice for her.”
Aaron breaks out into a forced laugh.
“How do you let yourself come here after two years and speak to me about her? To tell me what I should and shouldn’t do? You don’t know shit. You weren’t here!”
He’s right about that, I wasn’t here. But now I am and I want to make things better.
“I’m here now.”
“And what is it that you’d like to do? Take care of her yourself?” he yells in my face with tense arms held at his sides, hands bunched into fists.
“I have to, I owe it to him, I promised him!”
“What the hell are you talking about? Promised what? To who?”
“I promised Neil!” And the words come out on their own. Maybe it’s the effect of the alcohol or maybe I’m tired of keeping it all in, maybe the moment has come for me to take up my responsibility as I was asked to do.
So, I tell him the truth.
I tell him about the impact, the disorientation, the rain that was falling in buckets, the smell of the blood.
I tell him about Neil, and how in the last seconds of his life he became aware that there was nothing left to do and that it was too late for him.
I tell him about his courage, and his last request.
I tell him that I chose to save her first, on his request but also from instinct.
I tell him how Neil whispered in my ear, with his last breaths to take care of her.
I tell him that my brother at death’s doorstep had understood everything, before Rain and I had understood it. He knew about my feelings for her and about hers for me, too.
I tell him that Neil, my sensitive, sweet Neil, asked me to pull her from the car, to look for help and to stay with her as long as necessary. To protect her and to never leave her alone, as he had done, for the rest of my life.
I tell him how my brother had asked me to love her more than anything else in the world and to not let her go.
I tell him how, crazy in love and simultaneously tortured by Neil’s suffering, I managed to pull Rain out of the car while I had a dislocated shoulder, three broken ribs and a collapsed lung. About how I set her on the asphalt under the rain, how I held her in my arms and asked her not to leave me. How I confessed to her, for the first time after almost ten years, that she was the only woman I had ever loved and that I always would love her.
I tell Aaron, who is in tears in front of me, that his sister has been my only reason for living for more than ten years. That I’ve loved her in silence, never letting on, never giving a gesture, never a word.
I tell Aaron that she is the only woman for me and that she has always been, like she is now. Nothing has changed. Nothing could ever change what I feel for her.
For me she is and will always be my Rain, the woman I would do anything for.
Even letting my brother die.
Rain
“Will you pour me some more Guinness, Rain?” Jay asks.
“Sure, Jay, coming right up. It’s a full house tonight.”
“Yep. A big mess.”
“We really could use a hand—where is Aaron? How come he hasn’t shown up?”
Jay seems to avoid the question, as if he doesn’t know how to answer.
“He’s out. Had something to do.”
“Strange. He didn’t say anything to me.”
“He should be here soon,” he says nervously, looking at the clock on the wall.
The night continues at the same pace. The pub is overflowing and I don’t mind, even if I’m starting to get a bit tired. Working keeps the mind occupied, keeps my mind off of him.
I haven’t seen him around in a week, since the day he kissed me, only to tell me afterwards that it was all a big mistake. He gave me no explanations, he left just like he came.
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late,” Aaron tells us, coming in at about 9.00 p.m., rolling back his shirtsleeves and jumping behind the counter to give me a hand.
“Everything okay?” I ask
him, tilting my head to look him in the eyes.
“Of course it is. I brought two extra hands which could be helpful to us.”
With that I lift my head and there he is, in front of me, on the other side of the counter.
“Hi,” he says, giving me a sad smile.
“H-hi,” I reply, and go back to preparing the orders, trying to escape the tears that I can already feel building in my throat.
“Can I speak to you?” he says, all the while looking at Aaron.
“We’re full, I can’t leave the counter.”
“Just five minutes,” Aaron says. “You need a break and I’m here now, don’t worry.”
I nod and reluctantly leave my place.
“Come.” He invites me to follow him in back, but he doesn’t stop in the storeroom. He takes the keys from his jeans and opens the door leading to his apartment upstairs. He opens it and asks me to go up with him. I nod in agreement and precede him up the stairs, until we reach the second door leading directly to the apartment that’s been left unlocked. I open it and find myself inside a furnished apartment with a couch, a table, a TV and a few boxes pushed up against the walls.
“I’ve moved,” he announces, trying to guess how I feel about it.
“When?” I ask, continuing to not look at him.
“In these last few days. Aaron gave me a hand, but this will be my first official night here. What do you think?” he asks, lifting an arm, indicating the living room.
“Why did you bring me here, Liam? I thought we didn’t have anything else to say to each other and you disappeared.”
“I know.” He lowers his gaze. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, I’m sure you are. You keep telling me so,” I say, finally looking at his face and seeing that there’s a shadow of pain there.
“You’re right,” he says quietly. “It’s just I have many things to be sorry about.”
The silence that falls on us like a giant boulder is too heavy to bear. My heart constricts in my chest to remind me that I cannot behave this way. I am not a person who hurts other people.
“So, you’ve decided to stay then?” I ask, but in trying to sound less harsh, I find that my voice trembles.
“For now. I’ll help out at the pub, if that’s alright with you.”
I shake my shoulders as if to say It’s all the same to me, even if it’s not true. If I didn’t see him again it would hurt me, of course, for two weeks, a month, maybe more, but the dark night would pass, right? Everything passes. But having him here, every day, working in close contact, knowing that nothing can ever come of it would be devastating and I don’t know if I can permit that.
“Rain,” he says, getting closer and taking my hand. “The other day—I didn’t mean to.”
“You didn’t want to kiss me,” I add, gagging on my tears that are about betray me.
I take my hand away from his.
“I didn’t want to leave,” he says in my ear, a whisper that warms my heart. “I was wrong to do it, I didn’t want to hurt you. I know you hear me say it too frequently, but I am truly sorry.” He rests his temple against mine and grabs my hand tightly.
And so I move just a bit to look him in his eyes, where I see so many contrasting emotions: guilt, suffering, melancholy and so much tenderness.
I decide to jump in, without a parachute or protection, because I have nothing to lose, I’ve already lost enough and I want to take everything there is, everything this man is able to give. I want to live now, in his arms and kissing on his mouth. I want this feeling that has surprised me, confused me and shaken me but that I can not renounce, because it’s something impossible to explain and it’s unreasonable, something that has taken me over, and in a moment has overturned my life, that’s made from nothing.
In a second, my hands are in his hair, caressing him and shaking like a leaf in the autumn wind. I set my eyes on him as I continue to caress him slowly, almost afraid I might hurt him, or myself.
I touch his lips hoping not to do something wrong and I feel him smile slightly against my mouth. So I become more audacious and I open my lips, praying he won’t deny me and that he answers my call. And he doesn’t deny me, he pulls me into his embrace and into his life. I can feel it in the way that he squeezes me to him and kisses me sweetly, patiently, with respect, as if I were the most beautiful thing, the most precious thing he’d ever touched. I let my arms slide down his neck and back down to his waist. Then, I slide them under his shirt and I caress his back with my fingertips, feeling his muscles contract against my touch.
He pulls away slightly from my lips and emits a suffering sigh before looking me in the eyes.
“I want to do this the right way, okay?” He takes my hands, bringing them to his mouth.
I nod, biting slightly my lower lip.
“I don’t want to take advantage of you, Rain. I know what you think, but I promise you I like you, I like everything about you. I don’t care about what was in the past. I don’t care about what you can’t give me, because the only thing I want, Rain, I swear, is to be near you. Permit me to fall in love with you, Rain O’Donovan, because you’ve come into my life and I can’t let you go.”
17
Liam
I’ve started working officially at Only4You. I feel like I’ve gone back to being a teenager that earns money to live on by waiting tables and serving beer.
I like it. I like it a lot.
The weight I was carrying on my chest has lessened slightly. I’m not free from my guilt and the damage I’ve caused by my mistakes: they’ll always be there, real and frightening, but I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’m starting to taste the little things, daily gestures and the closeness of people I love.
I look at Rain smiling at clients, I see her shine and live and my heart fills up with so much love I wish I could just drop it all on top of her and let it wrap her up in it, making her feel safe and protected. Simply loved.
“Close your mouth, Liam. You’re drooling. On my sister.”
I shake my head and turn towards him, giving him half a smile which he takes the wrong way.
“Take it easy, you’re still on trial here, in every sense.”
“Relax, Aaron, I have no intention of causing trouble.”
“I’m not afraid of that, Liam. What I am worried about is this situation that is developing between you and Rain.”
I look at him with an inquisitive expression, eyebrows raised.
Aaron sighs and sets down the glasses he has in his hands. He leans up against the bar and crosses his arms across his chest.
“She could remember the accident—and I don’t know what would be worse for her. To continue living like this, in this ‘normal’ bubble we’ve created for her, or to reacquire her memory of that night, to suffer again and to hate us for what we’ve done.”
I nod. I understand how serious this is.
“Do you think we should tell her the truth?” I ask, fearing I may lose in a second everything that I’m slowly acquiring.
“I don’t know, Liam. Your arrival has complicated things quite a bit. She’s happier than I’ve seen her in a very long time. Since long before the accident. She’s so calm, so positive—I’m selfish, I know. We all are. I feel like we’re continuing to hurt her like this, that she has the right to know. And don’t think we haven’t considered it in these years. But time passed and she started to get better, so we always held off telling her. We’ve always said sooner or later the right moment would be here, but that moment has never come.”
“The right moment never will come, Aaron.”
“Yeah,” he agrees with the bitterness audible in his voice.
“For me, it would be the end,” I conclude, lowering my head.
Aaron gives me a light pat on the back, giving me a docile smile.
“I still don’t know if I can accept you and her. Sure, it wasn’t easy for me to see her with Neil. We’re talking about my little sister. For me, no one will ever be
good enough to walk by her side, do you understand me? It’s nothing personal—but I’ve decided to give you—to give her this chance, because I’d do anything to see her smile this way, like she is now.” He points to her with his head, to where she’s standing a few meters from me. “I just hope I’m doing the right thing.”
“She’s everything for me, Aaron. I would do anything for her.”
“Hey, what’s with those serious faces?” Rain interrupts, joining us at the counter.
“Nothing. I was just pressing Liam about his intentions—”
“Aaron,” Rain admonishes. “I’m not a little girl.”
“I know,” he responds sweetly before giving her a peck on the cheek and walking away.
Rain watches him move away before coming near me.
“Hi,” she whispers and it’s lucky I don’t melt into a pool at the sound of her voice.
“Hi.” I draw her to me, pulling on her arm. I make her push up against my body before taking her face in my hands and delicately kissing her lips.