by A. S. Kelly
She blushes and smiles, embarrassed, while my heart does somersaults to remind me how fucking nuts I am about this woman.
Aaron coughs loudly a few steps away from us to remind me to keep my hands where they belong and my instincts under control. Our eyes meet briefly, which is enough for me to understand how much this farce has cost him up until now.
He’s been at it for two years now. Everyone is lying to her. I’m lying to her and I don’t dare imagine what would happen if she remembered, or the day came when we decided that Rain should know the truth about her past.
Rain
I back away from the counter, walking on air. I feel so free, so light. So happy. I don’t remember having felt this way recently. Yes, there have been positive moments, even pleasant ones, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone around with this idiot expression on my face all day before now.
Liam has decided to settle down, to stay here in Howth, to work with us at the pub and live in the apartment upstairs. I don’t know if it’s a permanent decision and I don’t feel like asking him about it now. I just want to enjoy every moment in his company, every caress, every goosebump.
I’m so concentrated on my happiness that I don’t knock over any glasses tonight and I move through the tables with more confidence and less bumping.
In the last few days I haven’t had to take notes, I haven’t used any post-its. It’s strange, almost inexplicable. I’ve been doing it for a year, I always forget little details, obligations, sometimes names—and yet, since Liam has come into my life, I don’t feel the need to remind myself of anything. Everything is spontaneous. Every moment I live remains impressed on my mind together with every little detail.
This mysterious man isn’t just giving me wonderful moments together and emotions I’ve never felt before. He’s giving me new pieces of my life. Pieces that fit together naturally in my mind, forming a colorful puzzle with wonderful warm reassuring tones.
Until a few weeks ago I was searching for my past, I wanted to remember it at any cost. But now—I don’t know, it’s moved on to second place. Of course, I’d still like to remember and fill in those black holes in my mind, but I feel like it’s not the only thing I’ve got now. It’s not my first thought in the mornings.
Would it be so bad really not to remember the past ever again? To live in this present with him, without asking again who I was? What would it matter if I was in love once? What would it matter if I had been with someone else?
Now Liam is here and he occupies all of my heart and I feel like I don’t need anything else. I could breathe this sentiment and live in harmony and serenity with my condition because I am alive.
Because I feel alive.
I no longer have the sensation that something is missing, I don’t have that strange veil over my eyes that doesn’t permit me to see things clearly. Now my eyes are wide open and fixed on him, while he works behind the counter, pouring some beer for customers. He’s so big; slow in his movements at times and a bit rough around the edges, but underneath, there’s an infinite tenderness where I could lose myself and never come back.
I’m not afraid to lose myself in him. I feel like I could do anything, that I could trust, let myself go.
To be loved.
“Hey.” Liam passes next to me. He gives me a wink and I feel my heart swell. I return his glance and smile as I realize it’s not just my heart that’s gone crazy.
I am completely crazy about him.
And it’s a feeling I could never forget in my life.
18
Liam
“I’d like to take your sister out tonight,” I ask Aaron.
It’s a quiet Wednesday afternoon and we’re getting the place ready for tonight. Rain is out on one of her walks and I have deliberately decided not to accompany her. I know she needs some time just to be on her own.
“Are you asking my permission?” Aaron replies.
Rain and I have been going out for a few weeks. Well, not really. We work together, I take her shopping, and I accompany her home at night, we take our break in back together, under the careful killer eye of her brother. But, that’s about it. I’ve never really asked her out. We’ve never really been alone and I’d like to take her out for dinner someplace, just the two of us.
Things have been proceeding gradually. She’s calm and serene and always smiling. I try to leave my negative thoughts in a dark corner in my mind when I’m with her, but even at night, when I’m alone and my mind is free from from thinking of her, they creep, dangerously back in, trying to drag me down again.
I’m resisting. I’m doing it for her, for me.
For him.
I know it seems hypocritical on my part, but it’s true. Neil would not want me to blame myself or to distance myself from her or them. He asked me to take care of her, and that’s what I’m planning on doing.
Rain is splendid, more so than I remembered. It’s true, she’s not the same person, but what does that matter? People change continuously, it’s part of the growing process. You have to accept that she’s different, of course, but that doesn’t mean I could ever love her any less.
Fuck, I said it.
I asked her to give me time to fall in love with her, but the truth is I’ve been in love with her since the first day she set foot in our basement, in her pink pajamas with monkeys on them, in search of her brother.
“And where do you want to bring her?” Aaron asks. “Let’s hear it.”
“Just out to dinner, Aaron.”
“Just?”
I shake my head and start wiping down the tables for tonight.
“Just. To. Dinner.”
“I’m not able to accept it, you know. The idea of you and her—I don’t even want to think about it. But Rain is peaceful and happy and I haven’t seen her like that in a while, so I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, even if the idea of watching you kiss each other hurts my eyes. Just be careful and don’t ruin everything, Liam.”
“That’s certainly not my intention.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. As a friend, you’re not so bad, but with women…”
“What?”
“We both know you’ve never had a relationship, you’ve never thought of a woman seriously.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m an asshole.”
“I thought you liked the good life, you know—”
“You thought wrong, pal. I never did like that life.”
“We saw you, in the papers and on the web—you sure had your hands full.”
“Not everything you read in the papers is true, Aaron, you should know that. And Rain isn’t like the others.”
“You think I don’t know that? What’s going to happen after you leave? When you get a better offer, when you decide to take up music again and leave us here to pick up the pieces? I don’t wanna keep picking up pieces of her, Liam.”
“Who told you I was planning on leaving?”
“You already did it once.”
“The situation was different. It was a difficult moment. I couldn’t handle it, I was completely out of my head.”
“When things get difficult you’re always the first one to take off. And things here, buddy, are more than difficult. Now everything’s alright, she’s okay, but there are days in which—”
“—Those days I will be here for her. I will stay, Aaron. This time, I will stay.”
Rain
“Where are we going?”
Liam has decided to take me out to dinner tonight and to be honest, I’m a bit nervous. I don’t know exactly how to behave, what to do, what to say. We’re together every day, it’s true, but alone—it’s so intimate.
“There’s not a lot of choice here, but what is important is that we spend a little time alone together, don’t you think?”
Alone. Exactly.
Liam has to have read the anxiety in my eyes, because he stops in the middle of the street and stands in front of me.
“Is something wrong?” he as
ks me.
“Nothing. Everything’s fine,” I lie. I’m just nervous to find myself alone with him.
“Rain,” he admonishes, before giving me a light kiss on the forehead, “you can tell me everything.”
“Okay, let’s say I’m a b-bit nervous,” I confess.
“Nervous? Of having dinner?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.
“It’s not about the dinner…” I say and he seems to not understand. But after a few seconds, his eyes widen and he opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it again and he smiles at me, holding me tight in his arms.
“You have nothing to be afraid of, Rain. I said I want to do things the right way, remember? We aren’t going to do anything you aren’t ready for.”
“O-okay.”
“Okay?” he asks, still smiling. “Trust me.”
And I trust him blindly, as if I had known him my whole life, as if I could put my life in his hands.
~ ~ ~
We go to a place called Aqua Restaurant which is directly in front of the port. From there on clear nights it’s possible to see the Ireland Eye, an island in the middle of nowhere. It’s an uncontaminated land where nature is the only thing to admire.
The air is brisk and heavy with the smell of rain, but we sit on the terrace under a heat lamp. Liam knows I enjoy breathing in this air and the view is truly spectacular, with the light pots illuminating the street below us, the infinite space the North Sea seems to occupy and where the heavens and the sea intertwine in a brilliant watery mirror.
I love these places more than anything, I feel like they belong to me, I feel at home—the only home I’ve ever known.
We eat in peace, having fresh fish caught this morning, a filet of Haddock with baked potatoes and asparagus, accompanied with a glass of white wine. We talk about the pub, the guys, the city and how calm it is in this little village, it just seems perfect to start from zero.
The atmosphere is almost magical: I feel like I could talk freely about anything that passed through my head, without worrying about stuttering or getting confused or feeling inadequate. I feel like I’ve always known him, even if in reality, I only just met him a few weeks ago. Between us, there’s a connection that goes beyond words and time and everything else. There’s complicity, understanding there’s—I don’t know how to explain it, but I know there’s something unique that we aren’t able to perceive.
“So, tell me something about your family,” I ask him.
The atmosphere changes dynamically as soon as I ask about his life. His clear eyes cloud over like the Irish sky, ready to change at any moment without warning.
Liam sits straight in his chair and gets lost in his thoughts.
“Not much to say. We haven’t seen each other for a long time, since before I left. Let’s say I don’t have a great relationship with them, that’s all. It’s just me.”
I understand he doesn’t want to talk about it and I don’t insist even if, I confess, I’m sorry he doesn’t get along with his family. I can’t even imagine not seeing Aaron for a day, much less not have him in my life at all. Aaron is my family, together with the guys who are so important to me. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be so alone like Liam is.
“And what about music? Would you like to start up again? Don’t you miss that life?”
Another bad conversation topic. Liam closes up and only speaks to me in monosyllables that are meaningless. The only thing he lets out is that for now, he’s happy as things are, he doesn’t want to go back to music and is done with that life.
I don’t want to press him to open up to me if he doesn’t feel like it, so I limit myself to smiling at him and I finish my coffee before I can do more damage. I don’t want to ruin this night.
Afraid that I may have broken the spell, we head toward the bridge, without holding hands.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be intrusive.”
“You weren’t. It’s just I don’t want to talk about the past, that’s all. I’d like to think just about the present. About this moment, about you and me,” he says, stopping to take my hand and bringing it to his lips. He brings me toward him and gives me a timid smile before brushing a hand through my hair.
“You’re beautiful, Rain.”
I blush and instinctively lower my gaze.
“I’m serious. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”
I shake my head. “I don’t believe you. Who knows how many women—” and I stop short. I feel stupid and jealous at the same time.
“Other women? You don’t even know what you’re saying. There are no other women. There never have been…” And he blocks up, and he too looks down. The muscles in his face tighten.
“I can’t believe you’ve never had a relationship,” I say nervously, confused by his words.
“No woman has ever made me feel like I do now with you, Rain. No one.”
“But you barely know me—”
“—It’s enough for me. Your eyes, your smile, your sincerity—the way you look at me, as if I were the only man on the planet. And then your infinite sweetness, your tenderness, how kind you are to everyone, even the drunks at the bar.” He sighs and pauses. “I don’t know how to tell you, Rain.”
“W-what’s that?” I swallow hard.
He thinks about it for a few seconds, then shakes his head and changes the subject.
“Wanna come with me?” he asks, imploring me with his eyes. “The pub should be closed by now, unless Aaron is waiting in the dark with a machete, I’d say we can go back, what do you say? I’m not ready for this night to be over.”
I’m not ready either, so I nod and I follow him.
19
Liam
I let her sit down in the living room that I fixed up. I didn’t have a lot of things with me, but the apartment didn’t need a lot to give it an inhabited look.
Rain is nervous, she looks around like an animal in a cage as if she didn’t have an escape route. I don’t want her to feel like this, I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, just wanted to spend a little more time with her. I didn’t have anything else in mind, I swear. Fine, I thought about it a little, but how could I not? She’s so beautiful she takes my breath away. I’m not even sure she’s aware of it or if she just doesn’t care. In her tight, ripped-at-the-knee jeans, and her red boots with matching blouse that cinches at the waist, her hair pulled back in her usual braid that hangs over her shoulder and without a bit of make-up or flashy jewelry. Just her in her wondrous simplicity.
I’m forced to look elsewhere, because if I watch her for another five seconds, I might not be able to hold back and I don’t want to rush things.
I’ve never had a hard time getting a girl, especially when I was a musician who everyone was trying to turn into a sex symbol for the girls. They made me sexy, dammit, I’m sexy on my own! Not because I’m a bad boy; I know I have a bad temper and I’m quick to fight, but I’ve never been a playboy or an asshole in that sense. That’s something the record companies that I was involved with make up to sell records; I guess my music wasn’t enough.
The truth is that there never has been any woman. Not like her.
She showed up in our basement ten years ago on an autumn night. She was just a girl then, but she was already something to see. She was wearing those pink fucking pajamas with monkeys on them and on her feet, winter boots and a fur coat. Her hair was in a disorderly ponytail. She was looking for her brother. Her mother had sent her in search of him and she came looking to get him.
That was the first time I really met her. I had know Aaron for years. We went to the same school and we had been playing in the same band for a while with the guys. I had seen her a few times, nodded to her from a distance but never a word. And yet, it was enough for me to see her on the stairs to understand. Simple, unpretentious and secure of herself—who else could have pulled that off wearing that?—Rigid, with her arms folded, admonishing Aaron for being late and she didn’t need to repeat
her words before he followed her home.
“That’s his sister,” Neil told me. “Isn’t she beautiful?” His eyes were as transparent as his soul. He was always as open as a book with me, my family, everyone. It didn’t take long at all for him to win her over, he knew how to do it, I have to admit. He was sweet, attentive, affectionate. He wasn’t interested in other women, there was only one he wanted, for himself, forever. He had clear ideas right away.
“One day, I’m going to marry her,” he told me after less than a month. He was 18 at the time. He almost made it.
And me? I was just his big brother that she saw as a friend, someone you could pass a bit of time with. One of many, in a group. And that’s what I’ve always been. It’s useless to say that’s how this situation has affected my life. I’ve never been a bastard with women, it’s just that I’ve never found the right one. Sweet, nice, sometimes in love, but I never was, even though I tried. No one was like her. I never said anything, Neil was my brother and they were happy; she loved him and he would have given anything for her, even his life. And he did.