by A. S. Kelly
“Now she’s here,” Jay intervenes. “And I can understand him. What would happen to Rain if things went well for us, huh? Can you explain that to me?”
“First of all, we don’t know that things would go well for us,” Aaron goes on. “She’d come with us, I’d never leave her alone.”
“And you think that’s the right thing for her? To follow the band? Do you have any idea what kind of life would be waiting for her? What she would be waiting for?”
“Jay, Rain is my sister and the only thing I want for her is to be happy, so do you think I haven’t considered that? I’ve thought about it for a long time. Now that she’s better, more in control and less emotional, a change could do her good. I don’t want her to spend the rest of her life in this stupid little town serving beer to four drunks. I’d like her to see the world, to meet new people and see new places. I’d like everything to be—normal for her.”
“You guys can do what you want, but don’t count on me, okay?” I say, turning toward the door. “I will not leave her again or force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I just want to see her smile every day and make her happy. I don’t give a fuck about anything else,” I conclude, slamming the door behind my back and going quickly down the stairs, leaving behind my desires, my dreams and my aspirations.
Nothing is more important than her, everything can be suffocated, buried, hidden. Nothing is more important than her, her serenity and her life.
I promised Neil that I would take care of her.
I swore to myself that I would not leave her alone and that’s what I’m going to do from now on. The rest of it can be damned, I don’t need anything else.
Rain
“What do you think?” I ask.
“What do I have to do with this?” he replies.
I don’t know why I’m asking him. What does he have to do with this?
“Don’t do it,” he says, and my heart melts, running down my legs and forming a puddle of red liquid, similar to blood, and I can smell it mixed with wet grass.
Don’t do it.
Then his lips are on mine and I feel that I’m making a mistake, that my life is a farce, that I’m in love with a man I never should have laid eyes on.
And he looks at me and implores me, he begs me not to make this decision. It’s not necessary for the words to come out, I can read it all in his eyes.
It’s always been like that for us.
And so I go away, turning myself away physically from this feeling that is caged in my heart, that I’ve tamed, that I have tried with all my heart to stop, since the night I wore those stupid pink pajamas with the monkeys.
I’ve lied to everyone all this time. I lied to myself and I lied to my heart.
Now I know what I can’t do, what decision I can’t absolutely make. But I don’t know what will happen to my life, to my future, to my love.
It’s there. It has been since the first look when my eyes shone in his.
It’s there, I can’t deny it, I can’t hide it.
I can’t marry the wrong man.
I can’t marry Neil.
~ ~ ~
I wake up panic-stricken, with my head banging and an uncontrollable sense of nausea. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to throw up what remains of my dinner, in order to purge my heart of this sentiment that I don’t know where it came from, but I now feel it and this has upset my world greatly, this precarious reality that I have constructed but which is not mine.
This is not me.
I wash my face, take two aspirins and go back to the bedroom. I sit on the bed but I know I will not be able to go back to sleep. So I go downstairs, into the kitchen, and put the kettle on and fetch a cup from the sideboard. I prepare myself a hot tea with milk and go sit on the couch, with my legs crossed Indian style and my boiling-hot cup in my hands.
Someone is coming down the stairs trying not to make any noise.
“Hey, is everything okay? I heard you come down.”
“Sorry, Jay, I didn’t want to wake you.”
“I wasn’t sleeping, don’t worry. Has something happened? Are you alright?” he asks while pouring himself a cup of tea too.
Am I well? Aside from the migraine, I mean, am I really well?
I’d like to say a lot of things, to explain to Jay how I feel after having opened up this episode in my life, I’d like to ask, to know, to really understand everything.
“N-Neil.”
Is the only thing I can say.
Jay lets the cup of tea that he has just poured, fall to the floor, so it shatters into a million pieces. And I understand that my life is about to do the same thing.
He doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t say a word. The tension in the room speaks for him.
I get up and go to the front door, I grab my jacket and put it on over my pajamas, step into my boots and go out into the freezing cold night.
I know where I’m going.
Jay doesn’t try to follow me or stop me.
He knows where I’m going.
~ ~ ~
I walk quickly, even though my head continues to pulse, even though the nausea threatens my stomach, even though I don’t know what will become of me after this.
I knock on his door. After a few seconds, I see the curtains on the first floor move and a figure appear. I hear footsteps running down the stairs before the door opens.
“Rain, what’s happened? Does Aaron know you’re here?”
I don’t answer him. I let the tears flood my eyes, my face, my life. I let myself be held in his arms, because even though I need answers, to talk, to understand, what I need now is to be held by him.
He helps me up the stairs leading to his apartment. He takes off my jacket and sets it down on the couch. He accompanies me to his room and has me lay down on the bed. He takes off my boots, then he covers me with a blanket and kisses my forehead.
“I’ll be right back,” he says, before getting his cell phone off the night stand and leaving the room, closing the door behind him.
“Aaron, it’s me,” I hear him say. “She’s here, relax. No, she hasn’t said anything. I understand. I think it’s best she stays here tonight. Yes, I’ll call you as soon as I know something.”
Confusion, panic, anguish: that’s what I’m feeling. The sensation that everything is about to be turned upside down, that my life could get a shock that puts everything up for discussion, and I’m not ready to face that again.
Now I’m certain there’s something everyone knows and no one wants to tell me and I know for certain that it’s about someone who used to be very close to me and now I don’t know what has happened to him. I also know that if I asked now, if I implored Aaron and the guys to tell me the truth, they wouldn’t hold back and finally I could discover who I really am and what really happened in my life.
But then Liam returns to the bedroom and lays down next to me, holding me in his arms, pulling me close.
And it’s the only thing I want to feel in this moment: his heat, his heart beating against my back, his touch, his breathing.
The only things that seems real to me in this life that’s made of lies and things unspoken.
22
Liam
I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I can’t even breathe with her next to me. Her presence is crushing me, clutters my mind and brushes away that bit of hope that was just blooming in me.
I know why she’s here.
I get out of bed, leaving her alone now that she’s sleeping soundly. It took a long time for her to calm down and a few trips to the bathroom because of the nausea due to the migraine.
But now it seems that the worst has passed and I need to leave this room, to get away from her and the lead weight falling down on us again and that this time, it’s a problem that I’m going to have to face.
Rain said Neil’s name. We don’t know what else she may have remembered. She’s closed up in herself, wracked with confusion and aware that she’s been intentionall
y kept in the dark about part of her life.
How could we do it? How could I do this? She trusts me blindly and I repay her in this way, inserting myself into her life, lying to her and taking advantage of her sincere sentiments.
I go in the living room and sit on the couch. My head falls back on the headrest and I shut my eyes tightly, hoping it’s enough to clean out the ghosts of the past that are intent on reclaiming their rightful place in my life, in our lives.
Then I open them and sit up a bit: all I see in the dark room is my guitar, that calls to me.
I get up, against my will, and go to it. I hold it against my chest hoping it gives me some relief. I sit on the table with my feet up on the stool and I hold my instrument. Inexplicably, my hands move on their own and a few chords later, I know it’s not over between us, the music and I. So I try and try again and it seems like I’ve been possessed, that the words I’m singing are coming straight from my soul.
So, I get a piece of paper and a pen from a drawer in the kitchen and I try to give a sense to this chaos that reigns in my head and I don’t hear the presence behind my back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you,” I say.
“Continue, please. Don’t stop for me.”
“Huh, this? It wasn’t anything. Nothing important.”
I put the guitar down and go to her. “Do you feel like talking?” I ask, with my heart jumping in my throat trying to suffocate me.
I’m not able to live without her.
“No,” she says simply. “I’m—I don’t feel ready yet.”
And I don’t force it.
“I need some time.”
I agree.
“Okay, just so you know that when you’re ready, I’m here.”
She smiles and I try to swallow the lump in my throat and fill my lungs with air.
“How’s the headache?”
“Better, thanks.”
“Good. Want to go back to bed?” I ask, moving a wisp of hair escaped from the braid behind her ear.
“Only if you come with me,” she says in a quiet voice and I think I could die from this love.
She holds out her hand and I squeeze it, then she invites me to follow her into the other room and I, weak as I am, cannot tell her no. I know it’s not the right moment, I know she’s just trying to forget, to postpone the inevitable, to mix up her fears and her doubts with sex, but I’m not able to oppose her.
The problem is I’ve been wanting her for ten fucking years and every time I’ve been with a woman, I imagined her eyes, her splendid hair on me, her fair skin covered in freckles that cover her shoulders.
She has me sit on the bed before taking off her pajama top. She’s not wearing anything under it and I find myself immediately in front of her naked breasts.
I swallow hard, before trying to stop her, but she continues to look me in the eyes.
“Rain,” I say, and I realize my voice is shaking. “This isn’t what you want.”
“I want you, Liam.”
God, how I’ve longed to hear those words in all these years.
“I know, but not now.”
“Maybe you don’t want to be with me?”
“Jesus, Rain, of course I do.”
I take her hand and pull it towards me. I rest my face on her warm, soft stomach and breathe in her scent, something I could have only dreamed about and now she’s here, in my room, in my bed, on my body. I kiss her lightly on her hips rising to meet her breasts. Her hands play in my hair and before I know it, I’m licking her nipples that go hard as soon as they make contact with my lips.
Then I let out a tortured sigh, and I tell myself I shouldn’t, that I can’t take advantage of this situation, but before I can pull back she gets down on her knees in front of me, caressing my face and smiling teasingly.
I jump on her lips and abandon every doubt and taste her as if she were my final meal. I pull her tightly to me before laying her back down on my bed. Then, I take my shirt off and lay on her.
Skin on skin.
Mine against hers.
For the first time.
The excitement running through my body goes crashing against the emotion I feel in my chest because of having her, like this, for myself.
It’s a mix of sensations, thrill and pain that crash in me with devastating fury and I’m afraid I won’t be able to contain it. Because this is something I’ve only dreamed of, every single fucking night for the last ten years and I never dreamed it could really happen.
I start kissing her again, sliding down her neck, leaving a path of little bites down to her shoulder blade. She shakes and moves below me as if to call me to her, to reclaim my body which belongs to her and always will.
And I quickly lose control, aching with desire and passion and the love that I feel for her from the first moment I saw her and knew she couldn’t be mine.
Rain
Liam is over me and he moves slowly, brushing against my body while he kisses, bites and inflames my skin.
God, I want him.
Maybe it’s not the right moment, maybe I should have waited—maybe my body is just looking to liberate itself somehow.
His hand slides delicately along my neck, brushing my breast; he caresses it tenderly, sweetly playing with his thumb on my tense nipple; his tongue in my mouth, slow and sensual, his erection pressing against my legs. Then his hand slides to my waist; he stops a few seconds in order to give me time to change my mind before continuing downward.
His hand slides down my pajama pants and he touches me lightly over my underwear.
But I want more.
I let my hands slide off his back and bring them to the elastic on my pants. Using my hips, I slide them down my legs while he helps me take them off, together with my underwear.
At the sight of my naked body, Liam freezes, balancing on his elbows at the sides of my head.
“Rain, I don’t know if I can—” he whispers, resting his forehead on mine. “It’s too much for me,” he concludes, closing his eyes and kissing my forehead.
“Too much—”
“—You’re too much for me.”
My lips start shaking and without realizing, my tears start to fall down my cheeks. Liam kisses them sweetly, rubbing his nose against my face. It’s such a sweet moment, so tender and full of emotion that I can’t stop shaking.
“Everything’s okay,” he whispers in my ear. “We don’t have to do this—”
“—But I want to!”
“And I do too, I assure you.” He smiles at me. “But not now. Soon,” he adds, kissing me on the side of my lips.
In reply I open my lips and slip my tongue in his mouth. Liam doesn’t pull back, he responds by eating me, literally, showing me how much he really wants me. His hand is on my body while I flex my back as it passes over me. He stops only a second before finding his way to enter me.
I gasp and instinctively open my legs for what’s waiting for me. What I’m waiting for. But soon his hand slides away, leaving me disappointed, while his mouth leaves mine and goes down, where I ache with desire and pleasure.
Liam kisses me slowly, little wet kisses along my trunk, my stomach, heading toward my inner thigh where I feel I’m going to explode into flame. He looks at me a second, and that’s all it takes for me to understand what’s going to happen. A moment later his tongue is inside of me, hot, wet, invasive and by instinct, I grab his hair, pulling slightly, inviting him to continue diving with his face between my legs.
“God, Rain…” he stops, breathing against me.
“You don’t know how I’ve wanted to do this.”
“Please, don’t stop.”
His tongue goes back inside me while I feel his fingers in this hot mist of pleasure running through my body, concentrating between my legs.
I’d like to look at him, but it’s too embarrassing for me. All I am capable of is to make some base sounds that express my frustration of not having him inside me for real.
“L
ook at me, Rain,” he says in a loving voice, supplicating me and stopping for a few seconds.
I try to open my eyes and I lift up my head to meet his, reduced to two dark intense circles I could lose myself in.
I didn’t think it could be like this.
I swallow hard and try to breathe normally but when his fingers start moving again and his tongue starts caressing me, I completely lose control and dig my nails into his back.
Liam continues to look at me, transmitting his passion, his desire—to have me tonight, tomorrow and always. His fingers go deeper and his tongue on me, the heat of his breath and the sensation of being exactly what this man desires most, unleash a wave of pleasure that runs through my whole body.
I yell his name and a few other incomprehensible words mixed with shaking while tightly gripping his shoulders and let my body shake in his hands.
Liam lays down next to me and pulls me to him with his arms. I rest my head on his chest and try to count his heartbeats, but they’re going too fast and I’m too slow. He caresses me while I feel him sigh into my hair.