by A. S. Kelly
“This—I will never forget this, ever.” His voice is low and passionate, his desire still there.
This moment is one I am sure I will never forget too.
“You’re amazing, Rain. Absolutely perfect,” he says, kissing my forehead.
I smile against his chest and he holds me closer to him, while I feel my eyelids getting heavier and slowly, I abandon myself to sleep.
23
Liam
“We’ll have to go back to the pub.”
“Oh, it’s such a nice day! Fifteen more minutes, please!”
“Aaron will have a fit.”
“Aaron is the prima donna in this show, he has to make a scene.”
I laugh and steal another kiss to which she responds promptly. I would never tear myself away from these lips and never stop touching her hair that smells like cotton candy.
“I adore your hair,” I tell her, spinning a tuft around my finger.
“And I love your beard,” she replies, brushing her hand on my face.
“I should cut it, I look terrible.”
“I like it like that.”
“Well then, I’ll let it grow to my feet. Anything for you,” I say and it’s the absolute truth.
She hasn’t wanted to speak about what happened. After that night, she has calmed down, even if we all know that it’s like a clockwork bomb with a timer ready to go off.
Rain is starting to remember, little details that confuse her and that she has chosen to ignore, but which will come knocking sooner or later, demanding to be recognized.
That moment could be today, tomorrow or in a year, but I’m hoping with all my heart and all the selfishness I’m capable of, that it never happens. I hope that she’s removed it, archived it, buried it in a dark corner of her mind.
Now that I’m with her, I realize I’ve wasted the last few years trying to convince myself to the contrary. I wasted all that time, hoping she’d notice me. Seeing her, touching her, smiling at her; tasting her lips, her skin—I can’t think of anything else. I can’t believe I walked away from this, to even hope I would get over it, that I could live without her.
My thoughts can’t help but turn to thoughts of Neil and my mood changes quickly. I pull away from her and lay down on the bench, looking at the sky, hoping that he is up there and will give me a sign, anything, to let me know I’m not making another mistake.
That it’s right that I should breathe the same air as her, and not for him to be in my place.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s alright.”
Neil is always in my thoughts and every time Rain looks at me and not him, I feel a pain in my chest as if someone were punching me, going piece by piece and ripping out my heart and throwing it on the floor before setting it on fire.
What kind of man am I? Is this right, what I’m doing? Is it right for me to take his place, to love her and to stay with her and all of them as if nothing happened? As if Neil didn’t exist? As if she hadn’t loved him.
“Maybe it’s time for us to head back,” she suggests.
I nod and get up, helping her to do the same. We walk in silence to the pub without even holding hands. We both feel pensive, we both have something afflicting us.
If she started to remember, for me, it would be the end of everything, the end of all my hopes and every effort I’ve made until now. If Rain remembered Neil, that night, the marriage proposal, she’d understand what a piece of shit I was, abandoning her in her moment of need, only to come back to take advantage of her infinite sweetness, to creep into her life and take someone else’s place.
God, what the hell am I doing?
“Excuse me, you go ahead, I just remembered something, we’ll see each other later, okay?” I say, kissing her quickly on the forehead before getting away as fast as I can from her eyes, her soul, that have seen in me something that in reality isn’t there, because otherwise, why would she have fallen in love with Neil? If she didn’t choose me then, there must have been a reason and that reason, very probably, is still valid.
I’m not the right one, Goddammit. Not the right one for her. I’ve been compromised, I’m the shell of a man, that remains after the wolves have devoured my soul that was probably destined for hell.
I am the cause of every evil.
I am the cause of my brother’s death.
I am the cause of Rain’s problems.
I am the reason for the end of our band and of our dream.
I am the reason for everything. What was I thinking of, coming back here? To try and fix, what? My life?
I’m the same old selfish bastard, only thinking of myself and that’s the reason why she chose Neil, because he was good and true, while I was wrong and I continue to make mistakes.
I am the mistake that needs to be avoided.
~ ~ ~
“Don’t go, I beg you,” I tell her, as I pull her out of the car as delicately as possible.
The rain continues to fall like it’s never going to rain again and I don’t know how to keep her dry, how to protect her, how to take care of her.
I sit on the asphalt on the sidewalk, hoping someone will pass this godforsaken place. The cell phone is gone and I can’t find Neil’s or Rain’s phone among the wreckage.
The odor of blood mixed with the rain and the wet grass and of death: Neil’s death and Rain’s. And she is slowly dying in my arms and there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Stay with me,” I whisper in her ear, hoping she can hear me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” I continue to repeat while I brush her hair away from her forehead. “It’s all my fault, only mine. I never should have asked you not to do it, I should have let you marry Neil and now he’s gone and you…” I start to hiccup like a baby, holding her in my arms and caressing her face, that beautiful face that now is covered in blood.
I beg you, don’t die.
We remain like that for I don’t know how long, I cradle her and I reassure her, pretending she can hear me.
I confess everything. I tell her about every time I caressed her while she was sleeping on the couch at our house; about every hug she gave me not knowing she was breaking my heart; her laugh that tore at my soul, killing it slowly.
I talk to her about me, about my senseless love for her, about my stupidity and my biggest mistake: thinking I could forget her.
At a certain point I think I faint, due to the pain in my chest that won’t let me breathe fully. I can only hear the sirens, someone shakes me and takes away my Rain from my arms. We are laid on two stretchers and they bring us away while my semi-unconscious state doesn’t permit me to focus on the images.
The other one is dead I hear someone say in the distance. This one is gone.
And I feel like I too have gone with them.
Forever.
Rain
“Where the fuck is Liam?” Aaron asks me. “We’ve got a full house here.”
“I don’t know, Aaron. He told me he had something to do and that we’d see each other later.”
“I’ll try calling him.”
Liam hasn’t shown up at the pub. When we said goodbye more than three hours ago, he said he had things to do, but I understood something was wrong; I should have stopped him, asked him to talk.
“Still nothing?” Patrick says, approaching the counter. I shake my head and look at the glasses I’m filling with amber liquid and I suddenly understand what I have to do.
“Patrick,” I say, looking at him with eyes full of hope. “Could you cover for me for a few minutes?”
“Rain, we’re full up—is something wrong?”
“No, everything is okay, it’s just—maybe I know where to find him.”
“Well then, it’s better that I come with you, I don’t want you to be alone with him when you find him.”
“What?”
“Trust me, darling. It’s better for you not to be alone.” And so saying, he let’s Jay know we’ll be gone for a little while.
Jay’s jaw tightens and he looks worried before nodding to us to go. “I’ll hold the fort here. Go and see you keep me up to date.”
I take off my work apron and grab my jacket while Patrick is already outside waiting.
“To the lighthouse,” I say, inviting him to follow me.
It doesn’t take us long to get there and even less time to pick him out, lying down, passed out on a bench.
“Oh my God!” I yell, covering my mouth with my hands.
“Go away, Rain,” Patrick tells me. “This isn’t something you should see. I’ll take care of this.”
“I—I’m not g-going anywhere. I-I’m staying here.”
Patrick shrugs his shoulders and approaches Liam, touching his wrist to feel for his pulse.
“Is he…” I can’t say it.
Patrick nods, giving me a sad smile.
“Call Jay, tell him to sneak out immediately and not to say anything to Aaron or he won’t let him set foot in the house again.”
I do as he says and gabble away to Jay, explaining everything as quickly as possible. I know it’s a muddle and Jay isn’t clear on the situation.
“He’s coming,” I tell Patrick.
“Good, now help me turn him. I don’t want him to suffocate on his own vomit.”
I do as I’m told and I lift him a little bit. I rest his head on my knee while Patrick turns him on his side. I caress his hair and whisper reassuring words, hoping he can hear me.
The rain starts to fall on us without mercy, holding nothing back, while we’re sitting waiting for Jay to arrive with the car to bring him away.
“Don’t you think we should call an ambulance?” I ask.
“Nah, he’s just fainted, his breathing is regular. It would be better not to make too big a deal about this.”
“What does that mean?” I ask, because I’m not able to understand.
“The press, Rain, would be all over him in a few minutes. This isn’t the first time this has happened to him.”
“I—don’t understand—”
“He’s drunk and who knows what else, Rain! I told you he had problems, and that I didn’t want you to get dragged down in this shit!”
“He—”
“You still don’t get it, right? He was famous, he had money, success—and he threw it all away on drugs and alcohol—all gone. All our dreams in the toilet!”
“A-all our d-dreams?”
“Patrick!” Jay yells furiously, coming running, overhearing Patrick’s words. “What the hell are you saying?”
“The truth! Somebody has to tell her!”
“Shut up, you idiot! It’s not your place.”
“Look, Jay, there’s nothing we can do for him. Nothing! He’s ruined himself and I’m not going to let him destroy her too!”
“That’s not your decision, Patrick. And now let’s bring him home.”
“Ah no, I’ve done my duty as a friend. You deal with it if it’s so important to you,” he snaps, raising his arms before leaving us alone.
Jay shakes his head and brushes aside the hair from his face, which is by now completely soaked.
“Are you able to give me a hand?” he asks me.
“O-of course.”
“Help me lift him then, we’ll bring him home.”
24
Liam
“Welcome back!”
A voice wakes me from the confusion and lethargy I find myself in.
“Mmm.”
“How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve had a stomach pump.”
“You can thank yourself for that, buddy.”
“What?”
“I think you know.”
I close my eyes, trying to organize my thoughts and slowly the last things I did before I lost my senses come back to me. I was with Rain, we were fine. Then I started thinking about Neil, the accident—
“Fuck!” I curse, rubbing my eyes with my hands.
“Yep. A big mess.”
“Rain—”
“She’s the one who found you.”
“Shit!”
“What a full vocabulary you have.”
“And why are you here?” I ask, surprised that Aaron is next to me and hasn’t kicked me out on the street.
“And what should I do? Kick you out of the house, out of our lives? Out of hers? What would that help? Would it help me to live better? No Liam, nothing would make me feel better, believe me. She was worried. Patrick said—”
“What?” I lift myself up, trying to put my feet on the ground, but my head is spinning and I’m not able to stand.
“Stay down. You’ve been out of it for two days.”
“What did he tell her?”
“Enough. Now she’s confused and she doesn’t understand how to take it all in. I tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t want to face it. She needs time. You made a big mess my friend, a big, big mess and now you’re going to have to clean it up.”
“I don’t know if I can do it, if it’s right to do it. Maybe it’s better if I go, that she forgets about me, that she goes on with her life.”
“Ah no. You’re not going to deal with this by running away again. You told me that you would stay. Do you remember that? And I believed you and I let you get close to her. You can’t turn your back on her now. She—I think she’s in love with you. I’ll ignore the reasons, but Rain is like that, what can you do?”
“She—in love with me?”
“Yep. A fucking mess, don’t you think? And regarding yourself, what can you tell me?”
“Me—what?”
“Don’t be an asshole with me. Be honest.”
“What do you want to know?”
“The truth. All of it. From the beginning. And this time don’t try to sell me a pile of crap, because I won’t give you another chance to level with me.”
I let out a big sigh and let my head fall back on the pillow.
“You remember that night—we were in the basement at my house. It must have been dinner time. Your ma was looking for you and you pretended like you couldn’t hear her. And then Rain appeared on the stairs. She was wearing—”
“—Those fucking monkey pajamas.”
I smile. “I fell in love with her that night.”
“Jesus, that’s a long time ago,” Aaron says.
I nod and exhale deeply.
“Then how did she end up with Neil?”
“He also fell in love with her that night,” I say submissively.
“What a fuckin’ mess.”
“What could I have done? He was—he was Neil, my little brother. Sweet, sensible, with a good head on his shoulders. I just wanted to get out of this place and find success, remember? A new life away from our shitty past. No breaks, no ties, no broken hearts left behind. I simply believed I would get over it. But the years went by and she was always on my mind. Everything passed, but not her, Aaron, she never did. I did everything I could to put ideas of her out of my mind, but she was always there. Her laugh, God, Aaron. She smiles with her heart and soul—and those eyes: two raw emeralds that you’d like to keep for yourself, to keep safe, protect and look upon until your eyes close due to the force of gravity. And her legs—”
“Hey, that’s my sister you’re talking about.”
“She’s one of a kind, Aaron. She is infinitely sweet, sensitive—she has an immense heart and I would have done anything to have had even a little part of it. I remember her with those kids at school during the shows where she made everyone participate.”
He sighs in regret.
“She just stood out among everyone. I remember I imagined both of us, more than once, in the garden behind your house with a boy on the swing, a child with her beautiful golden red hair. I thought she would have been a wonderful mother.”
Aaron’s face turns dark at this because we both know full well that this is one dream that will never come true.
“I was crazy in love with her, but I waited until the last minute, until
I really risked losing her forever before telling her how I felt.”
“And Rain? How did she feel about you?”
“Ah, I don’t know, dammit. One time, Aaron, we kissed one time two days before the accident. But in that moment I felt like there was something there between us and that I couldn’t do without her.”
“Talk to me about the accident, what happened right before. And this time I want the unedited version.”
I nod and I understand that the moment has come for Aaron to know what happened, so that he understands it was my fault alone.
“It’s not like that,” he says after I tell him everything.
Every time I open myself up to someone I feel my heart lighten a bit.
“It happened, Liam,” he tells me. “Surely she did feel something for you and surely she didn’t want to marry Neil. You know how much I liked your brother, but I think she had already decided. I realized there was something between you two the first time you came back to the pub after your return. For as emotional as she is, her eyes, Liam, her eyes do not betray her, and in her eyes I saw love. And I’m not talking about a fancy, I’m talking about something that has always been there, under the surface, something that was just waiting to be brought to light.”