by A. S. Kelly
“I’m sure you’re wrong, it’s not like that.”
“Trust me, I know what I’m saying. And judging by what you did for her that night, I know you feel the same.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I say, closing my eyes, covering them with my arm.
“Five hours in the pouring rain. You were there with her until dawn until a truck driver found you on the side of the street. You held her close to you all night to keep her warm, even though you were just as cold. You risked your life my friend, your ribs, you had a punctured lung, you could have died. Do you think I don’t know that, Liam? You kept her alive, speaking to her, being near her, giving up the idea of going to search for help on the street and leaving her to die alone on the asphalt. The paramedics told me they weren’t able to separate you from her.”
“Neil asked me to—”
“—I know what Neil asked you and I know what you would have done anyway. Because you, Liam, are better than you think you are. You saved her. I know it and you know it.”
“It’s not true, it was all my fault.”
“Liam.” He rests his hand on my shoulder. “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but the only one at fault was Neil, who was driving drunk, and pushed down too hard on the accelerator and didn’t think about protecting the people he had in the car with him.”
I clench my fists to placate the emotions that are about to explode out of my chest.
“It’s not your fault, okay?” he stresses. “And don’t think you’re doing something disloyal to him for being here. You have to continue to live and you have to also do it for her. I don’t think Neil would have wanted for you and Rain to be separated, you know? You said it yourself, that he was good and sensitive and I’m sure wherever he is, he’s smiling down at you.”
“Then why do I feel like this? Why does the guilt when I’m with her annihilate me so bad that I can’t breathe?”
“Liam, I think you can’t breathe even when you’re away from her, judging from what you’ve written,” he tells me, showing me the paper where I had written down a few phrases some weeks ago.
“It’s just a bunch of bullshit, I’m not good at writing, you know. And what’s more, I’m not interested in it.”
“Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like to try a few chords to go with the lyrics you’ve written,” Aaron says.
“I already have a few chords, to tell you the truth.”
“Well then, let me hear it,” he says, bringing me the guitar.
I sit up straight and lean my back into the headboard. I take the guitar in my hands and start shaking. I’ve never written anything by myself. I’ve always had someone help me. Before, it was Neil, who was the heart of our music, then it was the writers at the recording house. I’m not good at these things, not able to express my emotions, to put it all down on paper. And yet just being near her, her trust, her warmth made me cry like a baby as I wrote these disconnected phrases full of love.
With cold, uncertain fingers, I try strumming the chords that I had in my head and humming and singing lazily a few of the words I had written. I feel slow, out of practice and out of my head, but I do it and maybe it’s good for me, to get in touch with my feelings. What I realize now is that I can’t hide, and don’t want to.
“I’d say that maybe we have something we can work with here,” Aaron says as soon as I finish.
“I told you, this isn’t for me. And then, look at what state playing this music reduces me to.”
“We can do it. We have to do it. For ourselves, for Neil and for Rain. Do you really want her to live in this fake normality for the rest of her life?”
I hadn’t thought of it like that. That this life could be nothing but pretense, that after the accident she found herself in this situation and had to get used to living this way.
“You think that she—”
“—Let’s start by getting to know our instruments again,” Aaron says forcefully. “By getting to know each other again, and especially by dusting ourselves off, Liam. For you, there are a few simple rules.”
“I thought we had already dealt with all that.”
“The rules have changed because of what’s happened.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“First: Don’t you dare ever get high, take any kind of garbage, or drink more than one beer every other day. Second: Do not permit my sister to come pick you up in the street drunk, high or worse. And finally, never show up late for work, always bring her home at a reasonable hour and especially, never go to bed with her.”
“Aaron—”
“I’m not joking. The last point is fundamental. I could rip your balls off.”
I smile, shaking my head.
“She’s my sister, Liam. She’s my family. I am trusting you with the most precious thing I have. Don’t screw anything else up.”
“I don’t think I deserve your trust.”
“Sure, maybe you don’t, it’s true, but if she’s seen something in you, it means I have to give you a chance and that I have to give the same chance to her too.”
“I love her, Aaron.”
“I know,” he says, giving me a resigned smile.
“She’s my reason for living.”
“I know that too, Liam. You came here looking for something, wanting to fix Rain’s life, to help her, to be close to her, but the truth is that you’re the one who needs her, her strength—because she is strong—and her love. You thought you would save her, instead—”
“—I wanted to save her. I wanted to give her my life, you know? I wanted to give her everything I had to give. And instead, it was her who gave me hers, and she’s the one who saves me every day, from my pain, my anger and my loneliness. And especially, from myself.”
Rain
“Hi.”
“Hey, how—how are you?”
“I’ve seen better days. May I?”
I nod and sit up straight on the hammock making space for him.
“I don’t know where to start,” Liam tells me, looking straight out in front of him. “I’m a disaster, Rain. Maybe it’s not a good idea for you and I—”
“—I understand,” I whisper, before swallowing hard, the knot forming in my throat.
“You are simply perfect. I’m the one that’s wrong for you.”
I don’t respond, I wouldn’t be able to without breaking out into tears.
“I’ve had some problems, and to be honest, I still have them. I ruined my life, I don’t want to ruin yours too. You understand that, right?
“No,” I say, holding back the tears. “No, n-no, I don’t understand and I d-don’t agree.”
“It’s better like this, believe me. Maybe we could be friends.”
“Friends?” I say, jumping to my feet. I look right into his eyes. They are vacant, sad and melancholy, just like the first time I met him. “I don’t want to be your friend, Liam.”
He stands up too and takes my hands in his, bringing them to his lips.
“God, Rain, you have no idea how I wish I was the right one for you. I’d like to be the man you think I am, the man you want, but it isn’t like that.”
“And i—if it was?” I say, letting the first tear fall. “If you were the one I wanted?”
“Is it true?”
“I—just forget it, I’m stupid.”
I let his hands go and turn my back to him, moving away a few steps.
“Please don’t say that about yourself. You’re not stupid.”
“Maybe I am for you, Liam. I know who you were—who you are. Liam O’Reilly, talented musician, two successful albums, hooked on women, alcohol, drugs—and who knows what else. What would you want with somebody like me?”
“No, Rain, no! Don’t even think it!”
“That’s fine, I understand. Could you take me with you, on tour? To the parties, the events? No. I certainly wouldn’t help you make a good impression. I’d only embarrass you.”
“Jesus, no! It’s not like that at all. I have g
iven up that life. I came here to start over, to leave all that behind me. I’m clean now and I’m sorry for the big mistake I made the other night. I was an idiot, but it won’t happen again, I swear. I’d just like to be better than I am, just for you,” he says finally while I swallow my tears, try to ignore my heart and this stupid love.
I turn slowly and find myself a few breaths away from him. I can’t stop shaking as I lift my hand to caress his pale, tired face. He puts his hand over mine and it doesn’t matter to me what he was, what happened or what he’s done. All I care about is him, the fact that he’s here, in front of me, even if I don’t know how long he’ll stay, how much time will pass before he realizes I’m not worth it, that I’m not the right one for him, that I can never make him happy. Now I want to brush my lips on his and feel those goosebumps I get when our bodies meet. I want his taste in my mouth and his scent on my skin.
I close the distance between us to zero and hope I’m doing the right thing, and not making a total mistake, pressing my lips against his, before closing my eyes and throwing myself into the darkness.
“Rain,” he whispers into my mouth. “I can’t back away from you like this.”
“Is that what you want? You want t-to get away from me?” I say, continuing to kiss him sweetly.
“No—I don’t want to. But it’s not right for you.”
“Shh—let me decide, please. Everyone decides for me, everyone thinks they know what I want, but the truth is I’m able to make my own decisions by myself and I’d like you, now, to leave me free to make my own choice.”
He separates from me and looks me straight in the eyes. His calm sea has become a hurricane, a torment of suffering and I want all this to end. I want to see him in peace, serene and—in love.
“I choose you, Liam O’Reilly. I choose you, okay? I don’t care what you’ve done or what you could do. Even if you decide to go someday, to go back to your other life, I choose you. I would choose you a thousand times.”
“Oh Christ, Rain—you’re making this so much more difficult.”
“Life is difficult, Liam. Choices are difficult. Love is—difficult, but we don’t close it out of our lives because it’s hard.”
“Love?” he asks, with fear and insecurity in his eyes.
“Love,” I whisper against his lips. “I can’t give you what you want, Liam. I’m not like other women, and I never will be. But my heart is yours, if you want it.”
“God, Rain—you are already giving me so much more than I could ever expect from life,” he says, his voice rising. “I am in love with you, Rain, and it couldn’t be otherwise.”
“You—lo-love me?” I ask incredulously.
“Yes.” He smiles, caressing my face. “I am in love with you, Rain O’Donovan, and it’s been so easy, so natural, so spontaneous—I don’t remember how it used to be before I met you. I love you completely, with everything I have, my heart, my head, my body—I love every little detail about you and I can’t imagine not being with you.”
“Oh—” is all I’m able to say before breaking out sobbing.
“Don’t cry, Rain. I can’t bear to see you cry, I can’t stand it.”
“I—I can’t b-believe it.”
“Believe it.” He smiles.
“You can’t love me.”
“Oh yes, I can. I love you. Just you. And I promise that I’ll do my best not to disappoint you again.”
“But—if one day you woke up and decided to settle down and have a family, I…”
He dries my tears with his lips, kissing every centimeter of my face until stopping at my mouth.
“I choose you, Rain O’Donovan, I want only you and nothing else matters to me,” he says in a warm whisper against my lips.
I run my hands through his hair and step closer to his body, to feel the jolt his nearness gives me every time. I feel that for me, something’s there, perhaps all isn’t lost and it’s there for Liam too—and maybe a little corner of happiness exists for us.
If I really am the one he wants, then I’ll take care of him, I’ll love him and I’ll help him out of whatever this thing is that is doing this harm to him. I’ll help him free his heart from the weight it carries and I’ll help him to feel lighter, freer and loved.
Liam O’Reilly, I’ll help you get your life back on its feet.
“I love you,” he whispers in my ear. “I have always loved you, Rain.” He sighs and I can barely hear it, while he squeezes me in his arms.
Don’t do it.
His eyes are imploring me from the rearview mirror.
I can’t do it.
I can’t marry him.
And while the sound of the crash hurts my eardrum, my world goes to pieces, shattering before my eyes.
25
Liam
“Hey, buddy, can we chat?” Patrick asks.
“Outta my way, Patrick. We don’t have anything to talk about.”
“Come on, don’t be an asshole. I’d like to explain.”
“I think you’ve already done enough.”
“Five minutes. I’ll wait for you in the back.” And Patrick goes, leaving me at the bar counter alone.
“Shit!” I curse, leaving my apron and following him. “Okay, you’ve got exactly five minutes, but just be aware that I could start punching you.”
“And I’d deserve it. For what I said and for having left you alone the other night.”
“What do you want, Patrick?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t my business.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Try to understand. You left us here to try and deal with all this shit that was really messed up. Then you come back after having enjoyed everything that we all dreamed about.”
“I’ve already said I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, but for us, for me—it was really hard watching you fuck up our chance, our only chance of success. You took for yourself what was meant for all of us.”
“I didn’t take anything away from you. You were the ones who didn’t go after it.”
“Maybe because we expected you to do the same. Neil was your fuckin’ brother!”
I sigh heavily before sitting down on a case of beer. I mess up my hair, trying to clear my thoughts and shake my head a few times so those thoughts don’t assail me again, but it’s not enough.
“I didn’t want to do it,” I tell him. “I wasn’t thinking. I was destroyed. The only thing I wanted was to get away from the situation. To forget it and never come back. I didn’t want to take the place of our band. They had offered us that complete contract, the European tour and all that money. You didn’t even want to talk about it. Neil was dead and Rain was in that condition. I just wanted to get away from the pain and everything that could make me remember what went wrong. The manager showed up at my doorstep. I was drunk, hurt and completely in pieces. And I signed it, okay? I made a mistake, I should not have done it, but for me it was the only way out.”
“I can imagine it, but I can’t understand it, I’m sorry. I’m still angry with you, and I always will be because you blew it for us in the band and you left her.”
“Don’t talk about her, Patrick,” I say, raising my voice a few tones and getting to my feet. In two steps we’re face to face, and I’m ready to challenge him.
“Don’t include her in this because you don’t know jack shit about it,” I spit, clenching my fists, trying to stop myself from hitting him.
“And you’re wrong again,” he tells me.
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“Do you really think I didn’t realize, or that the others didn’t notice? Your love for her was everywhere. It was in your hands when you angrily struck your chords. It was in your eyes when she came into the basement to bring us something to drink and you, like an idiot, couldn’t stop looking at her. It was in all of the pints you downed in ten years trying to forget and drown your feelings. It was in every stupid, fucking, long, sad ‘brotherly’ hu
g you gave her—it was in every single part of you.”
“What are you saying?”
“Neil always knew it, Liam. He was your brother, he knew you better than anyone else, maybe even better than you know yourself.”
“No, that’s not true. It’s not possible. He would have beaten me, he would have kicked me out of the band, away from her—”
“You really think so? Neil wasn’t like that.”
No, Neil wasn’t like that. I was like that.
I can’t believe it! My brother knew how I felt and he let me get close to her year after year, day after day. He really loved her, not like me. Because his love was selfless and sincere, not like mine. He loved her enough to let her go.
I wanted her with all of myself.
I wanted her only for myself.
“Why do you think he went on so much with that story about getting married, huh?”