Rainy Days

by A. S. Kelly

  I raise my head and meet his eyes.

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Why do you think he pushed her for an answer? Do you really think it was just so he wouldn’t have to leave her here? It was because he wanted her to decide once and for all who to love.”

  “No, that’s bullshit.”

  I lean my forehead on the cool surface of the outside metal door, which soothes my head a bit. It’s hammering incessantly, as if it wants to explode and just end this torture.

  “Neil was special,” he begins, sitting on the floor next to me.

  Slowly I lift my head from the door and turn, resting my shoulders on the smooth surface before sliding onto the floor too.

  “He was one of those good people who just couldn’t be angry with you, who avoids a fight at any cost, who is a gift for the family, for his friends and for the woman he loves.”

  Patrick is right. Neil was exactly like that.

  His words open up a fault line in my chest that trembles and once again makes me feel like a piece of shit. A man who doesn’t deserve to be called a man.

  He loved me, loved the guys and more than anything, he loved her, in a way that I have never loved and perhaps never will. His was an unconditional love that was pure and he would have done anything to see her happy, even if that meant she was in my arms.

  “Liam,” Patrick puts a hand on my shoulder to shake me from my negative thoughts. “You know what pisses me off the most? The fact that you’re wasting everything. He died and you’re pissing away your life, his too as well as all of ours. We had a dream and maybe right now it seems impossible for you to start dreaming with us, but I believe the moment has come for you to honor his memory, to go ahead and to bring to term what we started so many years ago in that moldy basement where dreams, big emotions and music reigned.”

  “But I—I’m not able to take his place.”

  “And you don’t have to, his place will remain empty forever in the band, in our lives and in Rain’s life too. But you can occupy your place, the place you deserve. With us and maybe with her. You aren’t Neil and you don’t have to substitute for him. You’re Liam and we want Liam. And Rain—Rain loves you. She loved you.”

  “No, no—no,” I say, shaking my head. “She loved him.”

  “At the beginning, perhaps. But then things changed. She loved you.”

  “And how do you know?”

  Patrick breaks out into a hysterical laugh. “You think I’m some kind of asshole, I know that, you all do. But you know, sometimes being a jerk like me, being cold and cynical, allows you to see things in a different light. It permits you to see things clearly without sentimental hang-ups.”

  I rest my head backwards and close my eyes tightly. I cannot believe what he’s telling me. I cannot believe that Neil could see all of this.

  “You love her, right?”

  “More than my own life.”

  “Well then, love her. Bring her back, and bring my friend back, because I miss him.”

  I lift my head and look at him. His eyes are moist and his voice has been reduced to a base, guttural sound, which makes me understand he’s holding back his emotions just like I am.

  “What should I do?” I ask, defeated and tired.

  “What you have to do with her—I think I don’t have to explain that to you, right?”

  I burst out in a smile.

  “I can tell you what you have to do for yourself and for us. Come back to us, come back to music. Let’s try it again together. We’ll forget the past and bury the pain. Let’s dedicate ourselves to what we know how to do best, even if just for the pleasure of doing it like we used to.”

  “I’m in.” A voice interrupts us from the door.

  “How long have you been there?” I ask, seeing Aaron standing at the door in front of us.

  “Too long. I’ve had to absorb all your blubbering mush. Patrick is right, however, let’s take this chance, let’s do it for ourselves, for all of us.”

  “Count me in too,” Jay adds from behind Aaron’s shoulders.

  “What the hell? You’re all here, huh?” Patrick says, with a fake air of indignity. He stands up and gives me his hand. I get up too. The guys gather around us and Jay holds his hand out in front of him, a gesture of brotherhood and unity, waiting for us all to do the same.

  “The Four Reasons to Die are back,” he says, inviting us all to add our hands to his.

  Patrick imitates him immediately, slapping the palm of his hand onto Jay’s. Aaron adds his hand to theirs, then looks at me before hitting me with his shoulder as if to say: come on, don’t be an asshole.

  I look at their three hands, one on the other, and I can’t avoid thinking of the one who isn’t there and who will be missing forever. But now, it’s just us, us four and we have a duty and also the right to give ourselves another possibility.

  “So be it,” I say, letting out a long breath that wipes out every doubt, and placing my hand on theirs.

  Rain

  “Hey, what’s happening here?”

  I go downstairs because some noises woke me up and I find the guys in the living room, sitting on the floor, with their instruments and papers all over the place.

  Liam gets up and comes to meet me. He slides his hand behind my head, pulling me to him and giving me a light kiss on the lips.

  “Hello, darling, did we wake you up?”

  “No, I mean yes, but it’s not important.”

  “Sorry,” Aaron interjects.

  “What are you guys doing?”

  “We’re practicing, we’re trying to put something together.”

  “Huh?”

  My dubious expression makes them nervous.

  They exchange furtive glances while Liam lets his hand drop away and takes a few steps away from me. Then he looks at me with dreamy and emotional eyes and tells me what they’re planning to do.

  “And so, you all want to take up playing again?”

  “We really never stopped, but we needed a singer and so—”

  “And you? You’re going to play with them?” I ask Liam, tilting my head to the side.

  “Yes,” he says, letting out a long sigh. “I’ll play with them. Is that alright with you?”

  “S-sure, why wouldn’t it be?”

  The tension that had accumulated in his shoulders melts away and his face light up with a big smile and I think how fabulous it is to see him so calm at last.

  “And okay, well—what are you thinking of doing?”

  “For now, we’re just getting our instruments and trying them out, we’ll do a few nights down the pub, maybe to get back in shape. We’re out of practice.” Aaron smiles at me and finally his face seems relaxed and his mood has definitely improved too.

  “We’ll try to be quieter, you go back to sleep.”

  “Can I—Can I stay? I promise I won’t bother you.”

  The guys shrug their shoulders like it’s not important at all, but Liam looks at me uncertainly, as if he didn’t have the courage to tell me what he thinks.

  “If it’s a problem for you I can go.”

  “No—no. I would be happy to have you here. It’s just, you could be a distraction—you know?” he continues with a secretive expression.

  Aaron clears his throat and I let out a nervous laugh.

  “Remember the rules,” Aaron warns him.

  “Fuck your rules.” Liam answers him back in the same tone, giving him the finger.

  “What rules?” I ask in a whisper.

  “Nothing you need to worry about,” Liam tells me in a tone of voice that gives me a sample of something I’m not completely prepared for.

  Since we’ve cleared the air between us we haven’t had very much time alone together and the thought that ‘it’ could happen soon makes me anxious and excited.

  “I’m going to go make myself a cup of tea. You boys go on as if I weren’t here, okay?”

  Liam kisses me again and smiles at me before sitting down again
with the others.

  “Do you want anything?” I ask as I put the kettle on.

  “No thanks, Rain,” Aaron answers for everyone.

  They must be really concentrated.

  I prepare myself a tea and look for some shortbread in the cupboard. Then I sit on the stool in the kitchen where I can’t see them but I can hear their comments.

  I like seeing them like this, all of them united together in music which I understand is so important in their lives. The pub is just a distraction, something that gave us some stability after the accident, but I always hoped for them that it wouldn’t be enough. I’d like them to find their place in the world, so that they could follow the natural course of their lives and that they wouldn’t be forced to take care of me forever.

  Suddenly, it occurs to me that they really could go away one day, individually or as a band, and I would remain completely alone in the world. But at the same time, I know that Aaron would never do that, he wouldn’t leave me. He’d feel an obligation to take care of me. And I don’t want that to happen.

  And Liam—he’s just come into my life, I’m not ready to lose him. Not now, not yet. My biggest fear is though, that I never will be sure of him, because even though I’ve only known him for a short while and things are complicated, I know that he’s a part of something marvelous, a part of me and my world, my nothingness which transformed into everything since he’s been with me.

  “Hey.” A warm breath on my collar sends chills up my spine.

  “Hey.” I turn towards him, just slightly.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Of course.”

  “I just wanted to steal another kiss.” And he gently brushes my lips.

  At that touch, I go rigid and move back a bit against my will.

  “You okay? Have I done something?”

  “No,” I say too quickly. “You haven’t done anything,” I reassure him, putting some distance between us.

  Don’t do it.

  The words hammer in my head. They attack me violently: a shooting pain in my brain that feels like it could break my cranium in two.

  I have always loved you.

  Instinctively, I bring my hands to my head as if to avoid the inevitable, the memories that insist on surfacing but that perhaps my mind would prefer to keep forgotten, so as to avoid the end of all this.

  “It’s just a migraine, I’m going to go back to my room.”

  “Is there something I can do?”

  “No.” I try to smile at him.

  I’m confused and I feel lost, I’m not ready to face the past. Not now. I’m a coward, I know. I’m hiding my head in the sand, avoiding speaking, asking, connecting the dots.

  “I’m going to go lay down, alright?”

  “Can I stop by later to tell you goodnight?”

  “I’m counting on it.”

  I try to appear uninterested while my head is ready to explode and let out everything it’s been holding in for these last two years.

  Don’t go, I beg you.

  Stay here with me.

  I’m not ready to face the past.

  I’m not ready to open that door and get upset by the truth.

  I’m not ready to let all this vanish and go backwards.

  I’m not ready to know who Neil was and what he represented for me.

  26

  Liam

  “God, I am nervous. My hands are sweating and I’m almost ready to shit myself.”

  Patrick starts laughing almost indecently.

  “What, you, the big rock star?” he jokes.

  “Don’t make fun of him, Patrick.” Jay comes to my rescue. “And you Liam, calm down. It’s just a godforsaken pub in a little godforsaken village.”

  “Hey, take it easy! It’s our godforsaken pub,” Aaron adds. “Have a bit of respect.”

  “Ours or not, it’s still a hell of a dive,” Patrick interrupts.

  “Okay, none of you are helping me here.”

  I try to take some deep breaths. I think I need a bowl to vomit into.

  I’ve never been so nervous, Jesus, even in front of hundreds of fans. Going back to playing music with them, and her here—it’s all so damned difficult and emotional at the same time. I do feel Neil’s absence next to me, but he is always there in my heart and I hope he approves, wherever he is.

  “Let’s go. It’s not even a full house tonight and they’re all on their third pint anyway. I don’t think it really matters how we play,” Aaron adds.

  “Great, idiot, now I do feel better, thanks,” I say to Aaron who laughs it off while spinning the drumsticks between his fingers.

  “Maybe what’s bothering you is there, behind the counter.” Jay accompanies his words with a nod of the head.

  He’s right. I don’t care about the people, the drunks, about being off-key, or of playing the wrong chords. I’m only afraid that she might remember, that she’ll connect the music or the group to Neil and that I am going to be forced to tell her everything.

  And I don’t want to lose her.

  “Perfect,” Aaron adds. “We’ll never go out.”

  Rain is at the counter with Erin, both of them smiling, and I wink as soon as she looks at me.

  God, those eyes. They could do anything to me, even punch me and I wouldn’t care. She could do anything to me and I’d let her do it like I did ten, five, even three years ago.

  If only…

  I shake my head and try to get it together, while Rain comes towards me.

  “H-hey.”

  “Hey,” I whisper and I can’t stay away from her lips even a second.

  “What the fuck, Liam! That’s my sister,” Aaron yells with fake indignation.

  I smile at her, slide my fingers along the belt loops of her jeans and pull her toward me with a tug. She puts her hands on my chest and my heart accelerates out of control as if it were about to explode, to come out of my body and show everyone in the world what it is.

  Hers.

  I put my lips on hers again and I taste her, bite after bite while her body shakes the second it makes contact with mine.

  “I’d like you to stay with me tonight,” I say into her lips.

  “Oh.” She blushes.

  I’ve embarrassed her.

  “I want you to sleep in my bed, Rain, because I can’t stand being away from you a second longer. Only for this, I promise you.” I lie.

  “O-okay,” she says before moving slowly away from me and I go back to my position, even more agitated and impatient than before.

  “Everything alright, buddy?” Jay rests his hand on my shoulder.

  “Yes,” I reply without turning around and then I take a deep breath. “Everything’s alright.”

  I look at Aaron who is a few meters away and makes a sign that it’s time to get started and I limit myself to shrugging my shoulders and look at Rain, who is talking with Erin.

  I decide to concentrate, to dedicate myself, my thoughts and my emotions, which are coming straight from my stomach and my heart and have come rushing at me like a train with no brakes, without fear, without regret and without burden because for me it’s as natural as breathing to love this woman. It’s something that is spontaneous and uncontrolled; and although all things considered: the pain, the loss, the mistakes, I feel like loving her is the only good thing I’ve done in my life.

  Loving her is my life.

  So, I nod to the guys: I’m ready. I take a breath, I look at her and smile like I never have in my life and I give her all I have to give:

  I’m not a perfect person/There’s many things I wish I didn’t do/ But I continue learning/ I never meant to do those things to you…/And so I have to say before I go/that I just want you to know.

  I’ve found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/And the reason is you.

  I’ve found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/And the reason is you/ I’ve found a reason to show/A side of me you didn’t kno
w/A reason for all that I do/And the reason is you.5

  Because she is my only reason.

  She is my reason.

  She is the reason why my heart continues to beat incessantly, in unison with hers.

  Rain

  How could I not go to him and sleep in his bed, in his arms tonight, tomorrow and all the days that are to come? How could I break away from him after his words, that song? After he poured out all his love in those lyrics I see now, clearly in front of my eyes and I feel his love all around me like a strong, reassuring hug. Like a blanket in winter that cuddles you and keeps you warm. Like the rain that tickles your face and makes you feel alive, makes you feel everything, every emotion, every thrill.

  I feel everything. I feel him on my skin and in my heart, as if it had always been there, as if it were something that has always been a part of me.

  As if I had known him forever.

  As if I had loved him forever.

  And there, in his lucid, emotional eyes, I see myself.

  I see myself again.