by A. S. Kelly
“I’m not the one here sinking in the pig shit, my friend.”
“No, certainly, it’s easy to stay afloat when you don’t go in the water, when you don’t open your heart.”
“Hey, what the hell does my heart have to do with anything now? We’re not talking about me.”
“We never talk about you.”
“Because there’s not much to say. I’m a very boring person,” he sighs and throws back his drink in a gulp. “Screw the toast, gimme another.”
“Here you are, Sir,” I say while I drink too.
“Tonight we have to work, but I was thinking that after that we could play a little bit, what do you say?”
I shrug my shoulders. I don’t really care much.
“I know you wrote something—”
“That? No, It’s nothing and now, it doesn’t count anymore.”
“Was it for her?”
“It’s not important.”
“Perhaps it’s just the opposite. Maybe it’s just what you need.”
I look at him suspiciously and raise an eyebrow.
“A great tear-jerker that melts her heart.”
“What a cliché.”
“Sometimes, when everything seems lost, when there’s no more hope or possibility, three minutes is all you need, you know? The right words, perfect music.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Trust me.”
Should I trust him?
In the end, what else could I lose?
Rain
“Do you remember when the picture was taken?”
Erin continues to ask me questions about my past, hoping that like magic everything has been fixed and that all of my memories have been tucked back into place in my mind.
“You were eleven years old, that’s what’s written here at least. That should be the garden of your old house.”
I look again at the photo and shrug my shoulders, then put that one back in the pile with the others. Erin’s helping me go over all the family photos where I am with Aaron and the guys. In almost all of the images Liam is there too.
“Have you heard from him?” she asks point-blank.
“No. And I don’t intend to.”
“That man loves you.”
“Maybe he does, but it’s too complicated and strange.”
“Strange?”
“Oh, come on! I was engaged to his brother and for all these years, he was in love with me. He may have tried to sabotage our relationship.”
“Not even you believe that, Rain.”
I get up from the bed and go to the window. I look to the heavens and the first gray clouds I see covering everything reassure me.
“It’s about to rain,” I whisper.
“Wow, that’s news.”
“I’d like—I’d like to go to my old house. Do you know how we could do it?”
“We could try to make a few phone calls or ask Aaron, it shouldn’t be difficult to see who lives there now.”
“I need to see the garden.”
~ ~ ~
“Is there something familiar about it?”
I shake my head as I go to the swing. I brush the rusted chain and sit on the plastic seat, which has completely lost its color by now.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Erin says, coming towards me.
“Yes, please.”
“No problem. I’ll go inside and maybe have that tea they offered me. If you need anything—well, you know where to find me.”
I nod and let her leave.
I swing myself, lazily pushing with my now muddy legs and feet. The rain wasn’t late in showing up and it almost makes me feel better to have the frigid water running down my face and body.
What have I got to do with it?
Oh Liam, you have got plenty to do with it. You were the reason I refused.
Don’t do it.
I couldn’t have married him, ever, even if you hadn’t loved me, even if you hadn’t asked me to choose.
I can still feel his arms around me and his hands on my face. The tears I feel now are the same, or maybe not. They’re not mine.
I get off the swing and take a few steps forward.
They aren’t my tears that I feel, the ones I remember.
Don’t die, I beg you.
I’m not remembering that night in the garden.
I’m remembering the accident.
His arms around me, his body on mine, his heat keeping me alive, like his words and his love.
Don’t leave me.
I love you Rain, since the first day you showed up at my house and in my life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
The memories come and latch on to one another without a proper chronology or logical timeline, even if my heart sees it, feels it and remembers it.
My heart remembers the man I loved.
31
Liam
“Let’s try it again, maybe it would work like this.” Jay adds a few words to my lyrics, with the plectrum in his mouth and the melody in his head; that song is having a hard time coming out.
“No, no. It’s not right. It’s all wrong,” I say.
“Take heart, you’ll see we can do it.”
“I already told you I can’t do this. I’m not able to.”
“Don’t talk trash. What we have here is better than anything that’s passed through our hands in the last few years. It’s surely better than that shit you were playing a little while ago, and surely better than what Neil wrote.”
Patrick hurts me repeatedly. Hearing Neil’s name pronounced in that manner, makes me wanna throw him down and punch him until he loses his senses.
“And don’t look at me like that. We all know it’s true and you know it too. Fortunately, pain is inspiration.”
“You’re an asshole, Patrick.”
“Yep. Who the fuck writes when they’re happy and full of life? No, guys. The best songs come out in the worst moments of your life. In the solitude, suffering and depression.”
“Neil wasn’t depressed.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Patrick?” Aaron jumps in.
“I’m telling the truth, the one you all ignore and pretend not to understand. Neil suffered like a dog, day after day. He knew and just waited for the moment that this asshole we have here in front of us, was going to make his move. He knew very well what was happening and he couldn’t do anything about it.”
The basement falls into a profound silence.
Neil knew and was just waiting for the day that she would leave him, for me, his brother.
“Are you saying he was ready to give way to me?”
“No, man, he wasn’t leaving it to you. You were the one who was taking it. Year after year, taking up more space in Rain’s heart.”
“I’d like to remind everyone here we’re talking about my sister, okay?” Aaron butts in.
“Don’t worry, Aaron,” Patrick replies. “I don’t think Liam intends to tell you how he fucked her—”
“You motherfucker! You wanna knock it off?” Aaron roared.
“Do you really think he hasn’t slept with her? Come on, man—”
“I prefer to remain in the dark.”
“As long as you’re happy.”
“So this fucking song?” Patrick asks. “We have to get it together. It’s going to be the Christmas party in a few days and then there’s a meeting with the manager. We’re going to need that song.”
“Are you really going to play in this rat hole?” Aaron asks.
“Oh, for crying out loud, it’s our rat hole, have some respect!” Patrick snaps back.
“Okay, okay. In this super five-star club?”
“Jesus,” I take my head in my hands. “We’re never going to make it.”
“We have to, it’s our chance,” Patrick says forcefully. “It’s certainly not the same chance, but it could be the start of something.”
“We can do it, Liam,”
Aaron interjects. “And then, what have we got to lose?”
Nothing, really. We don’t have anything to lose.
The fact is that music is part of me and my life, but I’m not sure if it is in this sense. I wasn’t made for the stage, I’m not made for the public and managers and contracts. I’d just like to play with the guys like we used to, just for an hour to ward off the sensation that there was no reason to stay here.
“Guys,” I start, interrupting the practice session. “I’d like to stay.”
“Well, seems to me that you’re already here.”
“I’d like to be a part of everything. I’d like to be part of the family.”
“Okay,” Aaron mutters cautiously. “I’m not following you here.”
“I’d like to settle down here, stay put. I like this place.”
“This godforsaken village? You prefer this place in the middle of nowhere to London?”
“I prefer it to any other place.”
“Because this is where she is.” Jay smiles.
“But what if she—don’t misunderstand me, we all hope, shit, but after the mess you’ve made, what happens if she decides she doesn’t want you anymore?”
“I’ll stay all the same. Wherever she goes, that’s where I’ll be, whether she wants me there or not. It’s enough for me to survive just to smell her perfume, even from a distance.”
“Great, we’ve at last got something you could inject into this goddamned song.”
We all burst out laughing a bit and the tension breaks because we all needed it to. We need to put everything behind us, to forget what’s happened in the past and to live in the present, step by step to walk towards our future.
Together.
Like it always should have been.
Together.
Even without Neil.
Even without her.
Rain
I’ve been at Erin’s for three weeks. I’m feeling better, and I’m slowly putting together information and memories to reconstruct my whole life in a practical way. I’m still missing many pieces of the puzzle of my past that maybe I’ll never recover, but I have to say that everything is finally starting to make sense.
I have seen old photos of our family that Aaron let me have. It was nice to re-live some of those moments with my mother and father. Nice yet sad, because I don’t remember them and that hurts and makes me feel incomplete.
And I also saw some videos of the band and finally, I ‘met’ Neil. He and Liam are so different. It seems almost impossible that they are brothers. Liam is so strong, proud and robust, sure of himself, while Neil seems fragile, insecure but undoubtedly tender.
We were together for many years, and yet, it’s very difficult for me to picture his face or remember the taste of his lips.
I saw them all on stage together, concentrated, happy and accomplished and I understood that is their way. That is their life and I want them to pick up where they left off. I don’t want to be a burden for anyone. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I want to free them and myself.
“So? Anything new?”
Erin and I are at the coffee shop under her flat. I wanted to come out for a bit and get some fresh air, but it’s not a great day and we ended up back here without a real reason.
“No, nothing new.”
“The photos and videos didn’t help you much, then?”
I look at them constantly, every day, all day but my memories have stopped and it’s been a few days since I’ve had any kind of flashes of insight.
I shake my head and drink a sip of coffee.
“Doesn’t all this tell you something?”
I raise my glance to encourage her to continue.
“The fact that you have only remembered certain things, fundamental things—about you and him—Do you think it’s normal that you don’t have any memories of Neil?”
I had thought that actually that it was strange at first, but then I figured that my mind was playing dirty tricks on me and maybe it’s just something superficial.
“Maybe your mind is choosing what to remember.”
“What does that mean? That it intentionally forgot some things instead of others?”
“I’m saying that maybe the heart is stronger than the brain itself; that love, Rain, is stronger than anything else, even stronger than cranium trauma and amnesia.”
“I don’t believe that’s possible.”
“Then how do you explain that for two years you haven’t made any progress and then as soon as you meet Liam, see him, spend some time with him, your memories start blooming?”
I sit in the silence a few minutes because I know deep down that Erin could be right, even if I’m not ready to admit it. I’m about to fight back when she beats me to it.
“Don’t hate me, okay?”
“What? Why should I…” I’m not able to finish the phrase, because I see Jay standing in the doorway of the shop.
I shake my head and let it fall back against the headrest, crossing my arms across my chest.
“Hi, Erin. Hi, Rain.”
“H-hi, Jay.”
“Can I sit down with you for two minutes?”
“By now, you’re here,” I keep my distance, even if I’m dying to hug him. I miss my guys like crazy.
“How are you?” He reaches his hand out over the table, waiting for mine.
I huff and let my arm go, extend my hand toward him and he squeezes it, smiling at me.
“I’m happy to see you.”
“Me too, Jay.”
“You’re not still mad at me? At us?”
“You bet your life I am! I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”
“You’re right to be upset with us, we deserve it. But we miss you. Aaron is desperate and Liam—”
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“I know, but let me tell you about him, Rain. There are some things you should know.”
“I already know everything. I don’t want to know anything else.”
“Please. Listen for me.”
I turn my head the other way and stare out the window. Outside it’s raining and the Christmas lights on the streets appear foggy from the contrast of the warmth in this coffee house. The fog on the windows reflects the fog in my soul—I’m still confused and hurt.
I nod ever so slightly, the movement almost impossible to detect, but Jay picks up on it and takes this as an encouraging sign. He lets my hand go, orders a coffee and scoots his chair towards the table.
“Liam made a mistake, he made a sea of them. He should not have lied and inserted himself into your life like that, but he didn’t have much choice. He didn’t want to upset you, he just wanted to be close to you, to see you again and to see how you were doing—he wanted to help you.”
“He coulda done that right away, don’t you think? Instead he left, he chose himself.”
“No, that’s where you’re wrong even if it can seem like the opposite. It’s true that he took the chance and was successful, but he was very unhappy, he was empty, he was alone. He was dead inside, Rain. Until he came back here.”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“That he came back for you. He couldn’t stand being away from you. He thought he was giving you his life and instead—” Jay takes a long breath and exhales deeply before continuing. “—Honey, it wasn’t him that brought your memories back, it was you who brought him home.”
“I d-don’t understand.”
“You lost a lot, the accident turned your life upside down, but it destroyed his. He lost his brother, his friends, his family and the woman he loved. He was such a disaster when he came back and then you decided to trust him, you opened his heart and gave him his life back.”
I can feel my lower lip start to tremble and I try to swallow my tears and stop myself breaking out sobbing like an idiot, here in front of everyone.
“I—”
“He stayed here for three months after the accident, un
til you woke up from the coma. We spent the nights with you there; we took turns, but he was there every single night and he was in a terrible condition, he was sleeping in the waiting room. He went home just to shower and change his clothes. He spent more time with you than any of us and we didn’t realize it at the time. We thought it was because Neil was dead and that he needed to stay there, to watch over you. We didn’t understand that deep down, his was a double loss. Then you woke up and he seemed reborn. But then—”
“—And then I didn’t remember him.”
“In the first few days you were scared and lost. You only let Aaron come near you, he was the only person you remembered. Then slowly you accepted me and Patrick, but Liam—you didn’t want to let him get close to your room. You were afraid of him, and, darling, it was gut wrenching. Liam is strong, but not tough enough to tolerate your total refusal.”
“I don’t remember that.”