by A. S. Kelly
“I know, you’ve erased many things, even things that happened after the accident.”
“And so, he left.”
“I believe he couldn’t take it.”
“I don’t remember when everything started, Jay. I don’t remember because—”
“—Because you were in love with him?”
“I feel it, I know, but I don’t remember.”
“Well, I think you should trust your instinct and listen to your heart. Give him a chance.”
“I wish I hadn’t remembered. That I didn’t know anything.”
“I can understand that. But the memories are there, even if they’re incomplete ones, and you can’t ignore what you feel. Believe me,” He concludes with a sad, serious voice.
“Tell me something about Neil.”
“About Neil?”
“Yes, please.”
“You don’t—”
I shake my head.
“Okay, dear. I’ll tell you about him.”
And while Jay tells me about our first date and our first kiss, our plans and our fights, our relationship, he can’t help but include Liam’s name in every situation, every memory, every touch.
Liam was there, he was everywhere, on every day of my life, in every tear and every smile. He was always present, and I never saw him, not with my eyes at least. But my heart saw and heard every moment filling itself with his smile, his voice and his glances.
And his love.
32
Liam
“Was it really necessary to put all these lights here too?” Patrick asks.
“Don’t break my balls, Patrick, it’s Christmas and people want the Christmas spirit,” Aaron answers.
“So the outside wasn’t good enough? We have to have them at the bar counter too, on the ceiling and on the stage? We’re going to be glowing like a fucking Christmas tree.”
“People tend to drink more when there’s a festive atmosphere.”
“And maybe they won’t throw tomatoes at us.” I intervene in the discussion between Aaron and Patrick that’s been going on for a few minutes.
Aaron has decorated the place in full Christmas style. Doesn’t make any difference to me. I don’t care about holidays, or more precisely I don’t care any more. There’s nothing I desire; I have no plans, no intentions for the new year. The only thing I’d like is for her to forgive me and let me love her.
“Hey, guys,” Jay calls and brings us back to the present. “What do you say we get to work? We still have a few hours before the party. Let’s restock the bar because I have a feeling it’s going to be a blowout tonight.”
We all nod in agreement and follow him. We all know what to do, and everyone has his own task.
By now, I’ve settled down here and I’m happy with it. I like this atmosphere, I like being with them. Even the work at the pub isn’t bad. I prefer it a hundred times over London, the constant fighting and that terrible way of life. Playing with them is something that keeps me going, keeps me anchored, that keeps me away from falling into the emptiness that, without her, would swallow me without pity.
I wait for her. Every day I wait for her to walk through that door, then she wraps her arms around my neck and says I’m the man she loves, that she’ll never leave me again and that she’ll allow me to be near her and to take care of her.
~ ~ ~
“A brief pause and we’ll be right back. We need to get some refreshments too,” Jay announces into the microphone, before setting down the guitar and coming over to me.
“It’s not going badly.”
“No, not badly at all.”
“These nights are good for us to rediscover the spirit of the band.”
“Yep.”
“Hey. I know you miss her, but let’s go, just for tonight, let’s concentrate on something else. What do you say?”
I nod while leaving the stage and heading to the counter. The guys that work with us are all here tonight, so that we don’t have to be working for a few hours while we play, but in a bit, they’ll leave after we play our last song.
“Guinness please.” I sit at the stool, exchanging a few smiles with the people around me.
“Alright, let’s go you guys, we gotta start,” Jay grabs my arm, forcing me to get up.
“We just started our break,” I protest, trying to take a few sips of my beer.
“No, the break’s over, move it, the others are already on stage.”
“Okay, okay, what the fuck! I’m coming.”
I set the beer on the counter and reluctantly follow him. I take my place on stage and check the guitar is in tune. Then I adjust the microphone and clear my throat. I raise my glance and there, more or less five meters in front of me, I am lost in the ocean of her eyes.
My throat goes dry, I open my mouth but nothing comes out, no sound. I don’t think I’m even breathing.
The guys start and I shake my head again and again to try to understand if what I see in front of me is real or a fucking dream, one of many that accompany me in my dark nights. I look at Jay next to me and he’s smiling; I look towards Aaron and Patrick who have idiot expressions on their faces and so, I understand. I understand it’s all true. I understand that she is here and that she’s just a few meters away from me.
And I understand she’s here to stay.
Rain
“Wait.”
“What is it?” Erin asks. “We’re already late.”
I inhale another deep breath and take a step forward. I rest my hand on the door and wait for my legs to do the rest.
“Rain, if we’re here, there’s a reason for it.”
She’s right, there is a reason.
Jay told us about this party and he asked us to come. No one else did. They are respecting my request to have space, but Jay is—Jay. He doesn’t respect spaces; he acts, he takes the situation in hand, he always resolves everything.
And so, here I am.
I can do it. I can see him without collapsing, without feeling this pain in my heart.
I open the door with Erin’s help and in a second, I’m overcome by the heat in here, the laughing, the customers, the Christmas lights just how I like them. I am received into this atmosphere of warmth and I understand that I have come back home.
I’m back for ever.
Erin accompanies me to a free table a few meters from the stage that seems to be reserved just for us. I look around and recognize many of the usual customers, the guys behind the counter and him, standing on the stage.
I look at him and find myself, inside Liam again.
There I am in the blue sky, without any more storms, without the thunder and lightning and without fear.
I see myself through him and I find myself again, I don’t know where, I don’t know how, but I find myself again in him, here, in this pub or at home. Wherever he will be, I will be there too.
He smiles at me and his glance sweetens: it’s a tenderness and a sweetness that’s hard to find, seems strange in such a big, robust man, but that’s Liam, the man who saved me, who kept me alive, who loved me for ten years.
Liam, the man of my life.
And his voice is something magical, it wraps itself around me and it’s so sensual and I lose myself once again in his words and his emotions.
And his love.
I don’t remember the exact moment that I fell in love with him and I probably never will, but I will always remember this moment and I won’t need any post-its to keep track of today’s date or this feeling, because it’s in me, impressed on my heart and can never be cancelled.
Even if I can’t remember my past, even if I attempt to discover something about who I was, it’s not important because the only thing that matters, is who I am now.
His woman.
Forever.
33
Liam
“Hey.”
“H-hi.”
“I’ll leave you alone.” Erin gets up and slowly walks away from us. I sit in front of Rain without being a
ble to take my eyes off of her.
In her eyes I see a new light that shines and brings me back to life, as if I were dead and was following that light at the end of the tunnel or some shit like that. But I’m not dead and I’m not heading to paradise or the inferno or whatever the hell it is. I’m going towards her, towards life.
My life.
I lay my hand to hers on the table, palm up. She looks at it for a second, then, taking a deep breath, intertwines her fingers with mine.
“I’m sorry. For everything, Rain. For having fooled you and lied to you and keeping you in the dark about everything—but I’m not sorry for having loved you all these years. I’ll never regret that.”
“And you shouldn’t. Don’t be sorry for anything.”
I exhale mercifully and squeeze her fingers before bringing her hand to my mouth.
“I’ve decided to stay here, Rain. I want to stay with the guys, I want to work in this pub and live in this stupid village. I want to play with them, even if it doesn’t bring me anything, just for the fun of doing it, to be near my family. Because they—because you, because you all are my family. I want to stay here to love you like you deserve to be loved, to give you what you need, to give you my life, to give you everything I have.”
The tears stream down her face and my free hand cautiously approaches her to dry them. She rests her cheek in my palm and closes her eyes gently.
“You are my life, Rain O’Donovan.”
“And you are mine, Liam O’Reilly.”
So I let myself go a little and stand up, move around the table and sit next to her. I take her face in my hands and draw it to me.
“I love you, I have always loved you and nothing will make me stop, do you know this?” I whisper on her lips. “There is nothing you can do that would stop me. I love every single thing about you, from that day, in spite of everything, even the fact that you loved Neil.”
“I-I do-don’t remember.”
“What?”
“I don’t remember Neil. I don’t remember his face or his voice. I don’t remember when we met or when we fell in love. I don’t remember it and I feel bad about that. But I don’t remember his love—” She starts to hiccup and I pull her into my embrace.
“But—but I remember you.”
My world stops, paralyzed by her words.
“I remember you, Liam. I remember your voice and your tears. I remember your fingers on the guitar. I remember your beard and I remember I’ve always liked it. I remember your laugh and I know I missed it. I remember your arms and your hands on my face.”
“Rain, I—”
“—I remember my love for you, Liam. I remember that I didn’t want to marry Neil and I know perfectly well why.”
I shut my eyes to keep the tears in but I’m not able to. She touches my face delicately and then moves to my long wet beard.
“I don’t remember when or where but I remember that I was in love with you.” She smiles at me as she rests her forehead against mine. “That’s why—it’s because of how you look at me, like I was the only woman in the world. Because of how you speak to me, as if even my thoughts were important to you. Because of how you touch me so tenderly as if I were the most precious thing you’ve ever held in your hands. For how you’ve protected me all these years and how you’ve loved me, suffering in silence. Because of how you respect me and how you listen to me. Because of how you make me feel when you hold me in your arms. For how you love, Liam, for how you love me.”
And then it happens.
She smiles at me through her tears and draws close to me, kissing me gently on the lips.
What happens is, I don’t fall, I don’t crash.
What happens is, rather than falling, I fly, over the clouds, over the pain and everything.
What happens is, this woman loves me and I love her.
What happens is, that Liam O’Reilly is crazy in love and joy and will never go back to the darkness.
What happens is, that my soul frees itself and flies up and dances with hers under the rain, the rain that hit me ten years ago and will continue to do so every day of my life.
I love the rain.
I love rainy days.
I love my Rain.
Rain
“Okay, people, happy New Year and thanks for coming. It’s great to celebrate with you all and at midnight—free drinks for everyone!”
Aaron must be crazy, but he’s so happy tonight I don’t feel like telling him he may be a bit drunk and throwing away money on a night like this. But we are all happy, and calm and best of all, together.
“This song is for the woman who stole my heart and soul. You already know her, there she is, our Rain,” Liam says as he takes the floor and I start hiccupping as usual. “But you know what I say, people? I never could have asked for more out of life, I could not want for more. I have this family, music and her. My reason. I love you, Rain O’Donovan. You’re my life.”
I look at Erin and she looks back at me emotionally and squeezes in next to me while the music begins and his voice caresses me, kisses me and makes me feel alive, loved.
Complete.
I’m no longer dust and I’m no longer in pieces.
I am one thing only, a whole person, a person who lives in the present and dreams of a future next to the man she loves, the man she’s always loved.
If it’s gonna be a rainy day/There’s nothing we can do to make it change/We can pray for sunny weather/ But that won’t stop the rain/Feeling like you got no place to run/I can be your shelter ‘til it’s done/We can make this last forever/So please don’t stop the rain.7
He steps off the stage and he’s sweating, hyper and I don’t know what else. He comes to our table and remains standing in front of me. I don’t wait even a second. I stand up and throw myself in his arms that squeeze me tight, making me feel at home. He kisses my forehead and my scar, my cheeks, and finally reaches my lips.
“I know you love that house and love living there with the guys,” he says, “but I’d like to have you with me every day and not have to accompany you back home in the middle of the night in order to not make Aaron lose his mind.”
“What—what are you saying?”
“Come and live with me, Rain. Tonight, now. I want to start this New Year with you in my bed and I want to see you there every fucking night. I want to wake up with your hair in my face and I want my lips to be your sweet wake-up call every morning. I can’t breathe without you, you understand that, right?”
My eyes fill with tears and the words won’t come out because my head is all mixed up.
“Please, Rain. I need to have the breath of you.”
I know I should say something, I know he’s waiting for my answer but I remain still in his arms with my eyes open like my mouth and an emotion that makes my legs tremble.
“I—I—”
“You—”
“I don’t know if—well, it’s not easy living with me. I’m a disaster, I forget things and—”
“Rain!” He silences me with a kiss. “Say yes.”
“It’s just—I love my house and the guys would be lost without me, who would take care of them?” I give a hopeful smile, I don’t know if he understands where I’m going with this.
“You wanna stay there, with them, with all of them?” he asks, alarmed.
I nod and lower my gaze.
He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders before breaking out a wonderful smile.
“Aaron will kill me for this, you know that, right? But to make you happy, I’d risk anything. So, let me rephrase the question. Can I come and live with you? In that house full of loonies, with Aaron always in the middle of everything, always threatening me with a knife every time I try to kiss you in front of him. And with Jay who doesn’t know how to cook and always has his nose in everybody’s business. And Patrick who walks around the house naked and is an asshole? I’d like to wake up every morning in your bed, with your head on my chest and the smell of your
skin in my nostrils,” he says, smiling into my lips.
“Absolutely yes.” And I say it without stuttering. While around us everyone starts counting down backwards, I let myself be held by this wonderful man who faced off against the demons of his past and defeated his pain and found the road he had lost.
The man who has come home.
The man who brought me home.
Playlist
When I Was Your Man, Bruno Mars, Unorthodox Jukebox
Beautiful Disaster, John McLaughlin, Indiana
Dancing, Elisa, Dancing
I Don’t Love You, My Chemical Romance, Black Parade
The Reason, Hoobastank, The Reason
The Scientist, Coldplay, A Rush Of Blood To The Head
Please Don’t Stop The Rain, James Morrison, Songs For You, Truths For Me
Biography
A.S. Kelly was born in Italy but lives in Ireland with her husband, two children and a cat named Oscar. She’s passionate about English literature, is a music lover and addicted to coffee. She spends her days in a small village North of Dublin, looking for inspiration for her next stories.