How to Rescue a Dead Princess

by Jeff Strand

  The men started to discuss their plan of action amongst themselves. It was put to a vote. Three-fourths of them raised their hands for option one. One of them demanded a recount. They voted again. Option one passed again. They all readied their bows and arrows and aimed them at Randall.

  "You scum-slurping wretches!" growled Sir William.

  "You can't do this!" Randall insisted. "Whatever happened to honor? Whatever happened to being able to trust your fellow man? There was a time, not so long ago, when a person like me could knock someone unconscious with a set of dead squirrel nunchaku and walk away if that was what we'd agreed upon. Now, are you men so lacking in conscience that you would take part in destroying the bonds of faith?"

  "I am," said one.

  "What are you, cattle?" asked Randall. "There was a time when men could think for themselves. They didn't have to follow the leader, do what everyone else did. They had minds! They had souls! If one of you decided to jump off the Kilpatrick Bridge onto that flagpole in the center of the river, would all of you? Are you lemmings? Don't any of you have initiative?"

  "I don't," said one.

  "You know, there was a time when men didn't have weapons, a--"

  "Quiet, squire!" said Sir William. "I think you all should know that I've picked the lock on these chains, and will be slaying each and every one of you very shortly."

  The men lowered their arrows and took off running into the forest. One of them made a "yip!" sound.

  "You're my hero!" said Princess Janice to Sir William.

  "That's not surprising. Squire, find the key so I can get out of this."

  "You were lying?" Randall was incredulous. "You know, there was a time--"

  "Be quiet and find the key."

  "Wouldn't it be amusing if one of the guys who just stampeded out of here had it?"

  "Just find it!" Sir William ordered.

  Randall knelt down next to Scar. He reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He opened it and read aloud. "Dearest Pooky Moocher Lovey Frumps--"

  "Forget the note!" said the princess. "Find the key!"

  Randall slipped the note into his shoe for future entertainment, then checked Scar's other pocket. It contained a silver key. "Found it!" He looked at it more closely. "It's got something written on it."

  "What?" asked Sir William.

  "This is not the key to the lock on the chains."

  "Search the man you knocked out with the box."

  Randall walked over and knelt down next to him. He checked his left pocket. Inside was a coupon. "Buy one, get one free." he read aloud.

  "Where?" the princess asked.

  Randall flipped the coupon over. "Madame Taylor's Supreme hall of Exotic Dancers." He checked the other pocket. Inside was a ring with about ten keys on it. "This might be it."

  He hurried over to the princess and began to test each key. "Hmmmm...nope...hmmmm... nope...hmmmm...nope...hmmmm...nope...hmmmm...nope...hmmmm...nope...should I start over?"

  "Confound it!" said Sir William. "Find my sword! You'll have to cut down the tree."

  Randall glanced around the clearing. "No sword here." He approached the stump where the crystal lay. When he picked it up, it began to glow with a soft, ethereal light.

  A voice spoke. "It has the power. It is the key."

  "What?" Randall asked.

  "I said, it has the power. It is the key," repeated Sir William. "Now bring it here."

  As Randall moved toward Sir William, the crystal began to glow brighter and brighter. It began to quiver in Randall's hands. He immediately dropped it.

  "Good Lord that's freaky!" Randall exclaimed.

  "Pick it up!" Sir William ordered.

  "What if it's nuclear-powered or something? I could get radiation poisoning! I could turn into a twisted, misshapen creature before your very eyes, and then you'd both be up the creek!"

  "Pick it up, dagnabbit!"

  Randall picked it up. The quivering increased. He crouched down and touched the crystal to the chain. It instantly dissolved right through the metal. Sir William stood up and snatched the crystal out of Randall's grasp.

  "Good work, squire," he said, taking a couple steps toward Princess Janice. "Ow! Charley horse!" He fell to his knees. Randall took the crystal, then went over and freed the princess.

  "Thank you," she said, putting her arms around him. "You will be well-rewarded upon our return home."

  Scar moaned and began to stir. "I'll handle this," said Princess Janice, approaching the fallen woman and prodding her with her toe.

  Sir William gestured for Randall to bring the crystal over to him. Together they began to examine it. The glow was fading. "Fascinating," Sir William said. "Absolutely fascinating. I wonder what other powers it has?"

  He ran his hand along the crystal. A huge beam of light shot from it, firing across the clearing and striking the princess in the back. She instantly exploded into flames and fell to the ground in a burning heap.

  Chapter 4

  The Heroes Freak Out

  "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

  Randall dropped the crystal. It fired another blast of light that narrowly missed Sir William and incinerated the tree that he'd been chained to.

  They both rushed over to what was left of the princess. The flames abruptly vanished, revealing an extremely charred, blackened corpse.

  "Maybe she's not dead!" Sir William insisted.

  "Not dead? She's barbecue!"

  "Check for a heartbeat!"

  "I can see her heart! It's not beating!"

  "Check it! Check it!"

  Randall got down on his knees and rolled Scar out of the way. He pressed his hand against Princess Janice's chest and immediately pulled back. "Ow! That's hot!"

  "Check it! Check it! Check it!"

  "I'm gonna burn my hand off!"

  "I don't care!"

  Randall pressed down with his hand, wincing in pain. "Ooh! Ow! Ow! It's not beating. She's dead."

  "Do that thing where you push on her chest a bunch of times to get her heart started!"

  "My hands'll break right through her! She's history! We killed her!"

  "Oh...fudge!" Sir William began to rapidly pace back and forth. "That's it, we're finished! The king is going to use our necks as horseshoe targets!"

  "We're not going back to the castle, are we?"

  "No way!"

  Randall had never seen Sir William so badly shaken. Of course, given the circumstances, it was a tad understandable.

  "No more knighthood for me. No more respect. No more 'Sir' before my name. No more late night skinny dipping parties. No more hair styling discounts. I'm ruined. Everything I've worked for all these years has been destroyed."

  "It's probably not so thrilling for the princess, either," Randall pointed out.

  Sir William sat down on the stump and buried his face in his hands. "We're fugitives," he moaned. "I've been reduced to a common criminal."

  "That's not true," said Randall. "Common criminals won't have hundreds of people out trying to hunt them down like dogs."

  Sir William began to weep.

  "I guess you two have a problem," said Scar, sitting up. "Boy, I sure would hate to be you guys. Killing a princess? Whoa-mama! Looks like there's going to be some heinies in the kettle tonight."

  Sir William looked up. "This is all your fault! I should rip you apart, epidermal layer by epidermal layer!"

  "Really? That would put a damper on my willingness to help you guys, then."

  "How could you help us? And as a follow-up question, why?"

  "Well, let's consider your dilemma," Scar began. "Dead princess. Now, what's the obvious solution to that problem?"

  "Make myself feel better by stomping the person who got us into this mess."

  "Wrong. The solution is: Make it so the princess isn't dead. Bring her back to life."

  "Oh, what a brilliant solution!" proclaimed Sir William. "I can't believe I let that one get by me!" He cupped his
hands around his mouth and shouted at the still-smoking corpse. "You heard the lady, rise and shine! C'mon, it's time for wakeys!"

  "Your sarcasm is only delaying matters," Scar told him. "This forest is less than a month old. It sprouted up from nothing at the whim of a witch...I think her name's Grysh. She lives in the center of a graveyard deep within this forest, and the rumors are that she has the power to raise the dead. At least that's the idea I got from all the zombies guarding her place."

  "You think she'd help us?" Randall asked.

  "Well, no, she'll probably just try to kill you until she gets to know you better. But you haven't got much to lose. I dunno, maybe she'll act differently toward a knight."

  "What about my follow-up question?" asked Sir William.

  "Why? The only ransom I'm going to get out of her now is a little extra cash from somebody who wants to buy charcoal briquettes. Knights don't work as hostages, because everyone expects them to save themselves, and nobody cares about squires. Plus you're no longer chained, and thus in a good position to hurt me."

  "Will you take us to this witch?" asked Sir William.

  "No, but I'll draw you a map. You guys carry the princess and follow me back to our fort--it's just a few minutes away."

  Scar picked up the crystal, as Sir William and Randall each got on separate ends of the princess and lifted her. "Ow!" "Dang!" "Ouch!" "Crud!" "Eeep!" "Too hot!"

  They set her down. "Do you have any gloves?" asked Sir William.

  "Or some cold water to pour on her?" asked Randall.

  Scar rolled her eyes. "Don't be such pansies. Think of the pain you'll suffer when the king's men catch you."

  Randall and Sir William exchanged a concerned glance, then picked up the princess again, doing their best to ignore the hot pain, though their best involved a great deal of profanity.

  "Do you think we'll need those ashes?" inquired Randall, looking back.

  "Maybe," said Sir William. "I'm more worried about that foot."

  "Is that a foot?"

  "I think so. I'm missing one on my end."

  "Here, set her down. I'll get it."

  They placed her gently on the ground, took a moment to massage their blistering hands, then Randall picked up the foot and tried to find a good place to set it. Her mouth was wide open...but he decided against that for several reasons and just placed it on her chest.

  They continued following Scar. "Whoops," Randall said.

  "What?"

  "Ummm...nothing. Just thought I'd say 'whoops.'"

  "What part did we lose?" Sir William demanded.

  "I'm not sure. That big one on the ground."

  "Will you guys hurry up?" asked Scar.

  "Could you run ahead and get us a bag or something?" Sir William asked.

  "Uh-oh," said Randall.

  "What?"

  "Ummm...nothing. That was a good 'uh-oh.'"

  "You have to be more careful, squire! Did the head break when it fell?"

  "No, it looks okay."

  "Then put it on top with the rest."

  THE FORT consisted of a group of crudely-built wooden structures that looked like a hearty belch could knock them over. Scar's men sat around, some of them playing cards while others prepared for their weekly arts and crafts show. Randall, Sir William, and Scar sat at a table in her private structure. Princess Janice was contained in a large leather sack.

  Scar finished drawing a map on a piece of parchment. "It should only take you an hour or so to get there," she explained, "but the forest is very thick and you can get lost easily. When you finally meet the witch, don't tell her I sent you or she'll shred you on the spot. And don't comment on her nose."

  "What's wrong with her nose?" Randall asked.

  "She doesn't have one."

  "How does she smell?"

  If she says "Awful", thought Sir William, I'm going to scream and run from room to room shrieking incoherent curses and expose myself to each and every man present then stretch my lips around the back of my neck and tie them together in a bow and then hoparound as my eyes spin in wild circles and I make gargling noises until I go absolutely completely stark raving drooling babbling mad.

  "Awful," Scar replied.

  "Ha-ha!" Randall laughed.

  Well, I guess even the oldest of jokes contain some contemporary humor value, Sir William decided. That must be why they've survived so long.

  "I guess you gentlemen are set," said Scar, handing the map to Randall.

  "What about our horses and his sword?" Randall asked.

  "We're keeping them," said Scar.

  "I don't think so," Sir William told her.

  "Oh, really?"

  "Yes, really."

  "You really don't think so?"

  "No, not really," Sir William admitted.

  "No, not really meaning you really don't think so, or no not really meaning you don't think so but you don't really don't think so."

  "No not really meaning I really don't think so."

  "What point was I trying to make?" Scar asked.

  "Nothing, really."

  "Oh, yeah, your weapons and horses. They're ours. Now, you could try and fight me--"

  Sir William stood up to do just that.

  "--but then you'll never know the answer to the first riddle." She tapped a section of the map marked with an X. "To get to the cemetery gates, you'll have to pass through the Realm of Mystery. Your wits will be challenged like never before."

  "We'll see about that," said Sir William. "My wits have been challenged on many occasions."

  "All I can tell you is that the answer to the first riddle is To get to the other side. After that, you're on your own. Oh, and I guess I should mention that any wrong answers will result in immediate death."

  "Any other obstacles we should know about?" Randall asked.

  Scar began tapping her finger against various spots on the map. "Here...here...definitely this one...here...oooh, that one's nasty...here...here...and here."

  "Thank you," said Randall.

  "Oh, and here," Scar added.

  "Let us go, squire," said Sir William. "You carry the princess, I'll follow the map."

  FIFTEEN MINUTES later they were completely lost.

  "Is this map to scale?" Sir William wondered. "I don't think it's to scale. I think she just put these markers any lousy place she felt like."

  "Mind if we rest for a while?" Randall asked, leaning against a tree. "Princess Janice is getting heavy."

  "See, according to this worthless map we should be near a death trap right now, and there's nothing around."

  "The death trap's that way," said a short man, stepping out from behind a tree and pointing behind them. "Vicious one. They have to hose it down every couple weeks."

  "Who are you?" Sir William demanded.

  "My name is Lawrence. I'm a traveling salesman." He extended his hand and Sir William shook it. Lawrence had a thin mustache, slicked-back hair, and was carrying a large black pouch. "Pleased to meet you."

  "I'm Sir William. Are you familiar with this forest?"

  "Yep. In the short time it's been around, I've acquainted myself with every square inch of this place. I'm a remarkably good person to have around if you were to, say, become lost."

  "May I ask a stupid question?" Randall inquired.

  "There are no stupid questions," said Lawrence. "Only stupid people."

  "How can you make a living as a traveling salesman hanging around a forest like this?"

  "I find people such as yourselves, of course. You have money, right?"

  "A little," Sir William said. "But we're not interested in buying anything."

  "Oh, I think you'll change your mind," said Lawrence, reaching into his pouch. "Listen to me, William--may I call you William?--this here is the best offer since mankind came up with the concept of offering."

  "Listen, idiot--may I call you idiot?--I said I'm not interested in buying anything."

  "But look!" Lawrence pulled out the contents
of the pouch: a wooden leg. "I'm going to sell you this leg!"

  "You can't be serious," said Sir William. "I'm not going to buy that."

  "Ah, but this isn't just any leg. This is the Smith Model KL7-RA Prosthetic Locomotion Assistance Device."

  "It looks like a cheap wooden leg."

  "Will you buy it?"

  "Of course not. I've got two real ones of my own!"

  "At the moment, maybe, but a wise knight such as yourself knows the importance of planning ahead. Suppose you're off defending the kingdom and one of your legs were to become severed. Instead of losing hours of valuable work time lying around whimpering, you could merely strap on the Smith Leg and return to being a productive warrior."

  "I'd bleed to death!"

  "Ah, but you wouldn't. The Smith Leg comes equipped with its very own tourniquet."

  "But it's only a right leg," Sir William pointed out. "What if I lost my left one? I'd be walking in circles for the rest of my life!"

  "Buy two."

  "I don't need two. If I only lost one leg, I'd look pretty stupid walking around carrying a second fake one."

  "Listen," Lawrence explained, "I obviously can't guarantee that you'll lose both legs in the accident. But there's still a fifty-fifty chance that it will be your right leg, making this a low-risk purchase."

  "Is it durable?"

  "Oh, yes indeed. Keep it out of direct light and it'll last you for months."

  "There's a big crack in it!"

  "That's supposed to be there. It's for ventilation."

  "I'm not buying a cracked leg."

  "Will you forget about the leg?" screamed Randall, having listened to exactly three more syllables of this conversation than his brain could handle. "Lawrence, we need your help. Do you know how to get to the lair of the witch Grysh?"

  "Why, have you got a terminal disease?"

  "No. Can she cure them?"

  Lawrence shook his head. "I just figured you wanted to commit suicide."

  "Answer the question," said Sir William. "Can you direct us there?"

  "Sure I can."

  "Thank you."

  "If you buy the leg."

  "You little weasel!"

  "Come on, I'm making you a great deal here. I'm actually losing money on this sale!"

  "I'm not buying that useless leg, and that's final."