How to Rescue a Dead Princess

by Jeff Strand

  "Are you okay?" Randall asked.

  The berserker screamed at the top of his lungs and began clawing at the air. Finally he dropped onto his back and closed his eyes. "Just relax...you're on a sunny beach...no cares in the world..."

  "I hate to disturb you," said Randall. "But we can get you off that island and bring you back to civilization!"

  Shreddriff sat up. "Civilization made me like this!"

  "Then why were you trying to send messages?"

  "To tell those civilized punks I don't need them!" He began screaming and turning cartwheels. Then he ran around the tree a few times, ending with an impressive triple axle.

  "We need your help," said Randall. "If you'll come back with us, I'll see to it that you're returned safely."

  "Fine, no problem," said the berserker. "But when you swim over here, be careful."

  A great white shark thrust its head out of the water and snapped its mighty jaws shut. Then it swam off, satisfied that it had made its point.

  "Your turn to sacrifice," Yvonne told Randall.

  "Look, we're a little short on disposable limbs," said Randall. "Is there another way over there?"

  Shreddriff thought about it. "I guess I could part the waters."

  "I'll go for that," said Randall.

  "Promise not to call me a show-off?"

  "I promise."

  "Because the last guy, he called me a show-off."

  "I won't call you a show-off."

  Shreddriff dramatically raised his arms. The ocean between the two islands parted. Unfortunately, there was still more water beneath that which had been parted. A shark stuck its head out and growled.

  "Guess it's too deep," said Shreddriff, lowering his hands. The ocean spilled back into place. Shreddriff began screaming and juggling some bottles that he hurriedly dug up. "Wooga wooga!"

  "What does wooga wooga mean?" Randall asked.

  "I don't know," said Shreddriff. "I think it's Italian."

  Randall pointed at the palm tree. "If you managed to knock that over, we could walk across it!"

  Shreddriff looked at the tree. "You've gotta be kidding!"

  "It was just an idea."

  "I should hope so. Do you know how much work it is to put this thing back up every time it falls over?"

  "I can have somebody help you with it," promised Randall.

  "All right, all right." Shreddriff gave the tree a good flick with his index finger and it toppled over, landing in the water with a huge splash.

  "Ummm," said Randall, "I kind of meant that it was supposed to fall toward us."

  "It's missing details like that which make civilization such a crock," Shreddriff told him.

  "If we all swam and met each other half-way, that would reduce our chances of getting eaten by the sharks," said Yvonne.

  "Who's worried about the sharks?" asked Shreddriff. "These don't eat humans. I was concerned about getting my clothes all wet. These things weren't inexpensive, you know."

  With a sigh, Randall and Yvonne dove into the water and swam over to the other island. "Take my hand so you'll teleport back with us," Randall said to Shreddriff.

  "Does it hurt?"

  "Nope."

  "Will it make my stomach feel gooshy?"

  "Not at all."

  "Will the sudden change in surroundings startle me?"

  "I doubt it."

  "Okay."

  POOF!

  "Eeep!" said Shreddriff as they reappeared in the lair of the Dark One. "You lied about the gooshy stomach part!"

  Several guards immediately grabbed the berserker. "Leave him alone!" Randall shouted. "He's tame...mostly..."

  "So, you have everything you need," said the Dark One. "Now, we shall join forces and rule this entire land!" He extended his wicked hand. "Let us shake to clench the deal!"

  Randall reached out and clasped his hand.

  "To evil," said the Dark One.

  "To your demise," said Randall, yanking his hand away.

  And then, all heck broke loose.

  Chapter 25

  The Almost-Final Conflict

  "CAN'T YOU calm that berserker down?" demanded the Dark One. "I missed what the squire said!"

  "Wooga wooga!" shouted Shreddriff, kicking one of the guards in the face with a foot that shouldn't have been anywhere near a human face, for reasons of hygiene alone. The other guards struggled to contain him, but were having serious difficulties in doing so.

  "He said, 'to your demise,'" Scrivener told the Dark One.

  "Wha

  t? But that's a bad thing! Have I joined forces with somebody who doesn't know the difference between good things and bad things?"

  "Guess so," said Scrivener.

  "Then...kill him! And her! And the berserker! And that bug next time you see it!"

  Shreddriff threw one of the guards against the others, knocking all of them to the floor. "Run!" he yelled.

  Deciding that the idea had merit, Randall and Yvonne ran for the doorway, with Shreddriff following closely behind. The Dark One stood up and grabbed a huge battle axe that had been resting next to his throne for use in killing mosquitoes. "They shall not escape!" he thundered. "Sound the alarms! Set the traps! Release the termites! It's gonna be Squire Shishkabob tonight!"

  "Go, Dark One!" yelled Scrivener. "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

  Randall Co. ran down the hall, speeding past several guards. "Where are we headed?" Yvonne asked.

  "To rescue the prisoners, and then to find a way out of this place!" said Randall.

  "Sounds like a plan. Where are the prisoners?"

  "Don't you know? You just came from there!"

  "I wasn't paying attention! I was too busy trying to think happy thoughts!"

  Shreddriff smiled. "I always like to think of Flippy, the Happy Chipmunk. He could always make me grin with his wild adventures and useful lessons about morality."

  Randall picked up his pace. "Forget Flippy! Flee from furious foes first! Faster, fellow fugitive friends, faster!"

  "Alas," said Yvonne, "alliteration almost always acts as an annoyance and an ardent aggravation. Any authentic admirable aesthetic attributes are admittedly absent at all articulate analysis. Anyway, abscond and accelerate adequately, allowing apprehension avoidance, admirable acquaintances and accomplices!"

  "Big baddie!" said Shreddriff, as a guard that had to have been seven feet tall and three hundred pounds stepped into the hallway in front of them.

  "You aren't going anywhere," snarled the guard.

  Randall glanced over his shoulder. The Dark One was rushing at them, battle axe high over his head. "Look!" Randall shouted at the guard. "Psycho lunatic with an axe at six o' clock!"

  "Run!" shouted the guard, turning around and fleeing.

  "Attention all who serve the forces of evil!" announced a voice through the magical intercom system. "We have a code red!"

  "Oh no!" exclaimed the fleeing guard. "That's the bad one!"

  "I repeat, we have a code red. Be on the lookout for a squire, in decent physical shape, no noteworthy deformities. With him is a woman, also in good shape, recognizable by the cute way her nose crinkles when she smiles. They are to be terminated with extreme prejudice. Pretend they're those singing elves we all hate. This is your magical announcement system, signing off. Have a productive day!"

  At the next intersection, Randall, Yvonne, and Shreddriff veered to the right. Randall gasped as his foot snapped a wire that stretched across the hall. "You have just activated the self-destruct mechanism for this lair of doom," said a perky female voice. "Ka-boom in ten minutes."

  They continued running. Another wire snapped. "You have just activated the flooding mechanism for this lair of doom. A dangerously high level of water will begin rushing through the corridors in five minutes, starting with the prison."

  "We don't have much time!" said Randall, as they reached another left-right intersection.

  "Wrong!" said the Dark One, stepping into the hallway. "You don't have any time!
" He threw the axe with both hands. It sailed right in between Randall and Yvonne and thunked into the wall behind them. "Okay, you have a little more time."

  A huge, clawed fist broke through the wall, grabbed the axe, and pulled it back through. Something roared. "See what you made me do?" said the Dark One. "You've awakened the Beast With Tentacles and Sharp Teeth!"

  A clawed foot broke through the wall. Randall, Yvonne, and Shreddriff took this as their cue to run down the left corridor at top speed. As they ran, Randall broke a beam of light, causing darts to start firing from the floor and ceiling.

  They rushed around the corner, and immediately screeched to a halt at the sight of the ten-foot-wide pit in front of them. The bottom and sides were lined with hundreds of needle-sharp spikes with thorns attached to them.

  "We'll never be able to jump that far!" said Yvonne.

  "Look!" shouted Randall, pointing to the other side. The only exit was a doorway, with a iron gate slowly descending, just about to close it off and prevent their escape.

  The Beast burst into view. It was a truly disgusting creature, all tentacles and teeth and slime and eyes and suckers. Its tentacles shot forward, wrapping around Yvonne and Shreddriff, holding them tight.

  "It's got us! We're trapped!" shrieked Yvonne.

  Another tentacle shot out, wrapped around Randall's leg, and began pulling him toward the creature's open mouth.

  Then Randall remembered that he was still holding the sword and shield. With a quick lunge he cleaved off the tentacle, then swiftly lopped off the ones holding Yvonne and Shreddriff. As the Beast yelped in pain, Randall swung the tentacle, wrapping it around a hook in the ceiling just over the pit.

  "Grab a hold of me!" Randall said. "We'll swing across!"

  Yvonne and Shreddriff wrapped their arms around him, and they swung across the pit. Until the tentacle broke.

  "Whew!" said Randall. "Good thing we were on the other side when it broke."

  The iron gate continued to drop.

  "Crawl under it!" said Shreddriff. "Quickly!"

  They all dropped onto their stomachs and crawled under the gate, an instant before it slammed onto the floor, sealing off the exit.

  "We're safe!" said Randall.

  "Except for that giant stone boulder rolling towards us!" Yvonne cried out. They took off running down the rounded corridor, as the boulder got closer and closer.

  "Oh no!" shouted Shreddriff. "It's a dead end!"

  Suddenly the boulder burst into flames, making it even deadlier.

  "Dive into a corner!" said Randall.

  The three of them dove into the corners, pressing themselves in tightly to avoid being crushed. The boulder passed over them, igniting them but not squishing them, and smashed into the dead-end wall, breaking through and letting loose a huge flood of water that doused the flames and began carrying Randall, Yvonne, and Shreddriff back down the hallway at a perilous speed.

  "Oh no!" shouted Randall. "Watch out for the spears protruding from the ceiling just ahead!"

  "And the ones protruding from the walls!" added Yvonne.

  "And the ones protruding from the floor!" added Shreddriff.

  They hurtled past the spears, narrowly avoiding certain death at their tips. The water carried them around several curves, until--

  "Watch out!" shouted Randall. "The floor drops out!"

  "We're going to plummet to a place unknown!" cried Yvonne.

  They went over the edge, falling fifty or sixty or seventy feet until they landed in a cavern with stone walls and a floor covered waist-deep with mud. It took almost a minute for the water from above to quit pouring down upon them.

  "Okay, let's not panic," said Randall. "It could be worse."

  "It's worse," said Shreddriff. "This isn't mud." He swallowed a mouthful. "No, wait, I guess it is. My mistake."

  There was one exit, at the far end of the cavern. "Hurry!" said Randall. "We've got to reach the prison before it floods in five minutes from when I accidentally set off the flooding mechanism back about three or so minutes ago!"

  "We'll never make it!" Yvonne declared.

  "We can't give up now! We just have to move quickly!"

  "Especially since something with fangs just brushed past my leg," said Shreddriff. "And there goes another one!"

  It took them a full minute to reach the exit. "Oh no!" said Yvonne. "I just realized something! This isn't regular mud! This is the Poison Mud of Ferrenz! If we don't get the antidote in two minutes, we'll die!"

  "No time for that now!" said Randall. "To the prison!"

  "I just remembered!" said Yvonne, pointing forward. "The prison is that way!"

  "That's the only way this path goes."

  "I know, but it's the right way! Let's go!"

  Thirty seconds later, they rounded a corner which led to the prison. The latest group of women, children, and short men were being locked in cells by a crew of six guards.

  "Do either of you know how to do that thing where you stick your little fingers in your mouth so that you can do a really loud whistle?" Randall whispered.

  "Not me," said Shreddriff.

  "I do," said Yvonne. "Want me to teach you?"

  "Yeah, would you?"

  "Okay, first extend your pinkies. Yeah, just like that, you're doing great. Now stick one in each end of your mouth, keeping your lips just a little bit apart. Perfect. Now, when you blow, you're going to need to vibrate your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Try it."

  Randall did, but nothing but soundless air came out.

  "Vibrate your tongue a little more."

  "Like this?"

  "Yeah, you've got the idea. Now try it with all the elements in place, and you should be able to do the whistle."

  Randall let out a piercing whistle, getting the attention of the guards and prisoners.

  "Everyone, listen to me! Any second now this prison is going to be flooded! And then, a few minutes later, this whole place is going to blow up! It would behoove you guards to get everyone outside, or you're going to lose everything you've worked for these past couple days!"

  "And why should we believe you?" asked a guard.

  "The Dark One said so."

  "Oh. Okay." He turned to his co-workers. "Let's get 'em out of here."

  "One question," said Randall. "Where are the other prisoners? The ones in group A, I think it was called."

  "The new group would be up on the third floor, in the Training Room. To get there, you need to go out the north exit, go up two flights of stairs, go down the hall past the Inservice Room, make a right, go past the gymnasium, make a left, and it's the first door on your right."

  "No, no," said another guard. "You turn before you reach the gym."

  "Are you sure? I could've sworn it was after the gym."

  "Well, if you're that certain, I could very well be mistaken. It's happened before, as you'll remember."

  "Turn left after the gym," the guard told Randall.

  "Thanks." Randall gestured for Yvonne and Shreddriff to follow him, and they hurried through the prison and out the north exit. "Yvonne, where would we find the antidote for the mud?"

  Yvonne shrugged. "I have no idea."

  "Well, what's it called?"

  "Water."

  Randall sighed. "Okay, everyone keep your eyes open. Some water is bound to show up eventually. Be on the lookout for a mop bucket or something."

  They rushed up the stairs, when ssssssssssssssssuddenly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

  HI, THIS IS the author talking to you. I know, I really shouldn't be breaking in so late in the book, and I've probably messed up all the momentum of this action sequence, but we had a bit of a computer error here. I won't get into the details, except to say that about 48 pages accidentally got deleted. If I had time, I'd retype them, but my editor already has a big crab up his fanny because I'm a few months over deadline. The guy is in serious need of relaxation techniques. Increase the dosage, buddy! Anyway, I figured I'd just summarize what ha
ppened. And I won't lie to you--it's not like the missing pages were all that great. There were a couple decent bits here and there, and another tongue joke that was fairly well-written, but character development took a nosedive and the symbolism was kind of heavy-handed.

  Okay, so you've got Randall and Yvonne and Shreddriff going up the stairs, right? They found some water up there, which took care of the poison problem with only a minor cop-out on my part. Then this guy came out and...no, wait, that was later. First there was this dragon, and Randall had a really big fight with it, finally slaying it. Unless it was Shreddriff that killed it...? I threw my notes away, so bear with me. No, I just remembered, it was Randall that got the dragon, and then they were looking for the prisoners, and then that guy came out and, no, sorry, I messed up again. I know that guy appeared somewhere, though.

  Ah, who cares? They found the room where the prisoners were being trained, and that's where there was this big fight. A war, actually. I'm not lying when I say that this was one cool battle scene. You should've seen the guts fly! Whoa-mama! Then there was a sex scene, which I kind of wish hadn't been deleted, although I have to admit that I was overly enthusiastic and ended it too soon. You know what? I just realized that I never explained why the place didn't blow up! What a goofball I am sometimes! Okay, well, the magical self-destruct system had a malfunction. That'll work. So...where was I? We've got Randall, Yvonne, Shreddriff, Toby, and Jack all free. Oh, yeah, I guess I should've mentioned that Toby and Jack were freed in the battle scene, along with the other prisoners. Oh, and before that, they found Bug and freed him, too.

  Dang! I can't remember what happened right after that. Hold on, let me think. Ah, forget it. I know! You, the reader, can use your imagination! Just make it really good, okay? Thanks. So, right before the computer mess-up, we were at the final confrontation with the Dark One. Randall is standing at the edge of a huge pit of lava, and lots of guards are pointing arrows at him. The Dark One is saying all this weird stuff to play with Randall's mind, and get hidden memories to return, and that kind of evil deeds.