Breaking the Habit

by Anne Berkeley

  Anger rose up inside of me, taking me to another place and time. I’d seen that look before. It usually earned me a few well-placed bumps and bruises.

  “Oh, I see.”

  Shane’s eyes met mine, immediately grasping that he’d made a mistake. He took a mental step back and a physical step forward. “Whoa, I—”

  “I don’t have a place in my life for jealousy,” I said darkly, cutting him off. “I won’t be questioned or told who I can or can’t talk to. If you don’t have the confidence as a man to see the difference between attraction and friendly affection, then I guess you’re not the right one for me either.”

  Whirling, I yanked the door open and stormed through. This was precisely why I didn’t date. I wanted nothing to do with another man’s petty jealousy. I appreciated my independence as few women could. I wouldn’t surrender it again.

  “Emily!” Marshall called, following me. “Wait up!”

  “Busy,” I said over my shoulder. “Have to pack.”

  “Come on, Em, don’t make me chase you.”

  “I don’t need a sitter, Marshall. I’m a big girl.” Jogging up the stairs, I turned into the guestroom, my chest heaving. I dropped to my knees at the foot of the bed and fished out my suitcase. Sliding it onto the mattress, I dragged the zippers open and flipped up the lid.

  “What just happened out there?” Marshall stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips. He was like a wall of human muscle.

  “I can’t stay. It’s just not a good idea.”

  “That doesn’t answer my question. Right now, I’m about to pound the crap out of a guy that I kinda like, so you gotta help me out here.”

  “I doubt you need my help pounding the crap outta anybody.”

  “Em.” I turned at the sound of Coop’s voice. She stood under Marshall’s arm, flushed and glowing. Merda. I’d interrupted something.

  “You’re not supposed to be talking.”

  “I get five minutes a day and I can think of much better ways to use them, so don’t make me waste them arguing with you.” Ducking under Marshall’s arm, she sat on the edge of my bed and crossed her legs, anticipating a longwinded explanation. “Now talk.”

  “He got jealous because I touched Jake’s hair.” Dropping the handful of camis into the suitcase, I went back to the dresser and emptied another drawer.

  “Scandalous,” Cooper stated. In the hall, someone cleared his throat. Coop looked up and rolled her eyes then began tapping out a message on her tablet. ‘Ok Ok, don’t have a cow.’

  “You just got home. I don’t want you overdoing it.”

  ‘You didn’t mind a minute ago.’

  “I really didn’t need to hear that,” Marshall complained. “Can we keep it G here, guys? I’m here in a professional capacity.”

  Coop smirked at Marshall. ‘Tate, did you know that Marshall once offered to marry me? He said he’d keep me round and glowing, and that I could dance naked on the counter of his kitchen while I cooked him breakfast.’

  “I’ll mention that that was before you two began dating,” Marshall quickly pointed out. “And it was said as a joke to make Coop smile, because I think of her in a completely platonic way, like a sibling, actually.”

  ‘Look at the expression on Tate’s face,’ Coop said, drawing the attention away from Marshall. ‘What is it you’re feeling right now, Tate?’

  “I think I want that bonus check back.”

  ‘Let me expound on that emotion. He’s jealous because Marshall was hitting on me. There, you see that—his eye just twitched again.’

  “Can we move away from the subject,” Marshall pleaded. “I’m really not comfortable with the attention I’m receiving at the moment.”

  ‘Thank you for your help, Marshall. You can go now.’

  “Gee, thanks, Coop, glad I could be of assistance.” Still, he took up the offer and ducked out, squeezing past Tate in the hall.

  “I’m not kidding,” Tate pressed, following Marshall, “I want my check back.” As the sound of their banter faded down the stairs, Coop turned to me.

  ‘So, Shane got jealous. He’s been preening his feathers for three weeks, trying to attract your attention. And you turned around and played with Jake’s hair. You hurt his feelings.’

  “I didn’t play with Jake’s hair. He had this curl springing up like a hard on. I patted it back down.”

  ‘Fitting analogy.’

  “Stai zitto, Coop.” Shut up.

  ‘Testy.’

  “Now who’s being facetious?”

  ‘Let’s cut the crap, Em, I need you here.’

  “Then he needs to back off.”

  ‘That’s between the two of you. If that’s how you feel, tell him. Explain things to him. He deserves enough consideration to know that it’s you, not him.’

  “I don’t owe him anything, and my past is nobody’s business but my own.”

  ‘I didn’t say you had to recall every tiny detail. I just suggested you explain that you have issues. Hell, blame it on Garrison, if you want. It wouldn’t be completely fabricated.’

  “That,” I snapped, “is nobody’s business either!”

  ‘You’re my friend, Em, so I’m allowed to tell you that you’re being unreasonable. This isn’t you.’

  She was right. I was being short with everyone. The truth was I didn’t want to go home, but part of me was there, the part of me I couldn’t leave behind. It was weighing on me — wanting to start anew, but lacking the courage to do it.

  ‘I don’t know, Em,’ Coop pressed. ‘Tell him whatever you want, but give him something to go on, because anything’s better than flat out rejection.’

  “Fine, fine, I’ll talk to him.”

  ‘Hey.’ Looking up from my suitcase, I found Coop staring, eyes full of empathy. ‘If you’re afraid to go home alone, I’ll come back with you.’

  “It’s not that. Tommy won’t bother me. He was a bad drunk, but he’s not a stalker. Besides, you just got out of the hospital, and you’re pregnant to boot.”

  ‘I’ll see if Evan or Taylor can go.’

  “It’s fine, Coop. I really don’t have much to pack. Most of the stuff at Garrison’s wasn’t mine. I only had a few boxes when I moved out. I just need to submit my resignation and tie up a few loose ends. I’ll be back before you know it.”

  It was a lie, a complete lie.

  Chapter 3

  “You’re coming back, right? You’re not just saying it?’ Cooper asked for the twelfth time. I nodded my head, placating her with my lies. ‘I’ll have the guys drag you back if I have to. I swear.’

  Carter was flying into Pennsylvania with me, except he was going to visit his sister for the Christmas holiday, and Shane was accompanying him. Coop had made them promise to drag me back involuntarily if I gave them any resistance.

  “Yes, Coop, I’m coming back.”

  ‘Swear.’

  “On my mother’s grave.”

  ‘Your mother isn’t dead,’ Coop pointed out.

  “Shame there.” Goggling, Coop looked at me like I were insane. She really didn’t know my mother. I smiled wanly and changed the subject. “We really better go. It’s supposed to start snowing any time now.”

  “Yuck,” Carter voiced.

  “Yay,” I disagreed. “It’s not Christmas without snow.”

  “What’s with you people and snow?” Carter scoffed. “You sound like Coop.” Mocking the accused, he fluttered his eyelashes and spoke in falsetto. “It’s magical, just like unicorns and rainbows.”

  ‘I never said that.’

  “What do you know; you were on morphine.”

  ‘It was yesterday, moron. I haven’t taken morphine in weeks.’

  “Oh, that’s right. You just have a terrible memory.”

  ‘I have a perfect memory.’

  “So the birth control was defective, then. You didn’t forget to use it?”

  ‘I was drunk!’

  “Oh, hey, Mrs. Hale!” As Diane strolled into the
foyer to wish her farewells, Carter unleashed his Cheshire cat grin. “Cooper was just telling us how—Damn it, Coop! Your aim was a little high! My shins are much lower!”

  “Don’t bother, Cooper, I heard everything,” Diane said. “The foyer echoes terribly. Besides, I’ve already seen the video of the wedding. You forget I’m friends with Liz Kelly. The woman never misses an opportunity to spread gossip.”

  “Maybe she knows Ashley Lemming,” I snorted. I guess every town had their gossipmonger. Nobody was immune.

  Tate shifted uncomfortably, though Diane’s focus was on Carter. “My daughter was intoxicated. That much I could tell. The question is how much did you have to drink that night?”

  Carter swallowed thickly. “A few.”

  “The camera was awful steady.”

  “I have a steady hand.” Looking anywhere but at Diane, Carter spotted my luggage. “Emster, can I take those bags out to the car for ya? They look pretty heavy. Maybe I should give you a hand.” Recognizing an easy out, he wedged one under his arm, lifted the other two in each hand, and made for the door.

  “Fly away, little bird,” Diane murmured, watching Carter like a hawk, “fly away home.”

  ‘Mom,’ Coop chided. ‘Behave.’

  “Mark my words,” Diane promised. “Karma is a bitch. One day, the right girl will come along, and everyone will sit back and laugh while he tries to retain a measure of dignity.”

  ‘Mom!’

  “Ok, ok, just promise me something first.” Coop’s expression said she was only indulging this one last request. “Make sure you have your camera ready.”

  Tate belted out a laugh, despite his aim to remain inconspicuous to Diane’s focus. “You bet we will. Every last minute will be documented by yours truly.”

  “Good, good, someone’s got their head on their shoulders,” Diane praised. “Now come here, Em, sweetie, and let me say goodbye.”

  “Bye, Diane, it was good seeing you again.” She gave me a squeeze unlike my mother had ever given me, but then Diane was altogether a warmer person.

  “I wish you’d hurry back, so I’d know you weren’t spending the holiday alone.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  ‘She’s right,’ Coop agreed. ‘Your employer’s done without you for three weeks. They can obviously survive without you. Besides, you’re only giving them your notice. You should just quit and make the jump, balls to the wall.’

  “I’m coming back. I swear.” I noticed then how red Coop’s eyes were. She grasped me in a brief hug. I’d barely gotten my arms around her before it was over. In a whirl, she turned and walked away. My gaze wavered between Tate and Diane, confounded. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “She knows you’re not coming back,” Diane replied, cutting to the chase. “Sweetheart, you’re not fooling anybody. We were just putting on appearances for Coop. You know how she hates goodbyes.”

  “I should go talk to her,” Tate said. He gave me a shoulder hug and one of those cheek-to-cheek kisses that’s not really a kiss. “Safe flight.”

  “Thanks.”

  Behind me, the outer door opened. Carter stepped inside, stomped the snow from his feet. “Car’s loaded up. Weather’s starting again. We should get this show on the road before we have ourselves a repeat of yesterday’s drive.”

  “Merda.” I hated to leave on a bad note. I wasn’t concerned for myself. If the plane were to fall from the sky in a fiery crash, I wasn’t going to be around to regret things, but Coop…she had enough problems already.

  “She’ll be fine,” Diane assured me. “You know Coop. She’s resilient. Bounces right back.”

  “I feel like I’m abandoning her.”

  “Time, people,” Carter urged. “We’ve got a schedule to keep.”

  “Merda!” Sighing, I turned for the door. Balls to the wall all right, I was tucking tail and running home. Some best friend I was. In a haze of guilt and anguish, I marched across the parking lot, unmindful of the ice beneath my feet, so when I lost my footing and landed flat on my back, I only had myself to blame.

  My head smacked the pavement. Stars flashed behind my eyes. The impact exhausted what was left of my mental stamina. At that moment, I just wanted to die. Well, not die, but to sulk in a little bubble of my own private universe.

  Somewhere outside of that zone, I heard Carter’s guffaw. His face appeared over my field of vision, eyes tearing with laughter. “That was mother fuckin’ priceless. I would pay beaucoup bucks to see that again. Shame I didn’t have my camera ready.”

  “Fuck off, Carter,” Shane snapped, shoving him aside. A fringe of long black hair obscured my vision. The wearer of those tresses tossed his head, flipping them over his shoulder. The hair really had to go. “Are you all right?”

  “I don’t care if my brains are hanging out the back of my head, just get me out of here before everyone comes running outside.”

  “They just might. You landed pretty hard.” Offering a hand, I took it, letting him help me from the ground. My head spun as I straightened. I held onto his hand until the world righted itself and I was sure I wouldn’t fall.

  “I’m good,” I said without much conviction. “I’m good.”

  “You’re swaying.”

  “Head rush. That’s all.” Shane’s hand came under my elbow, steadying me. “Just help me to the car. I’ll be fine once my head stops spinning.”

  “You could have a concussion.”

  “And if I do?” It’s not as if the doctors would do anything except give me a few painkillers. I’d hit my head, but not that hard.

  “You shouldn’t fly.”

  “I’ll take my chances.”

  “People have died from untreated concussions.”

  “Thanks, Shane. Thanks a lot.” What a fucking morbid thing to say. I took it with a grain of salt. He did say he wasn’t good with words.

  “I just don’t want to get forty-thousand feet in the air and figure out that you have bleeding in your brain.”

  “I don’t have a concussion!” I insisted. With a huff, I slid into the rear seat. I just wanted to go home, though home was a loose definition for the box I lived in.

  “Irritability, that’s a sure sign,” Carter pointed out. “Oh, wait, you’re already bitchy to start with.”

  “Vaffanculo, Carter.”

  “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “Fuck off,” I translated.

  Casually, Shane reached up and broke off a chunk of snow from the roof of the car. He began packing it between his hands, his focus on Carter as he rounded the vehicle to the driver’s side.

  “Why is everybody always telling me to fuck off?” Carter carped. “I swear not one of you has a sense of humor.”

  Shane whizzed the snowball right through the cabin of the truck, striking Carter square in the face as he slid into the seat. It burst into pieces, some falling to his lap and others sticking in his hair. His skin instantly turned bright pink.

  “Real fucking funny.”

  Laughing, I pressed a hand to my head to keep it from shaking. I was feeling a little fuzzy around the edges from the fall, but I couldn’t resist. “That was mother fucking priceless. I would pay beaucoup bucks to see that again.”

  Shane lobbed another handful of snow, this time loose and unpacked. It pancaked against Carter’s face and slid slowly down. To Carter’s credit, he laughed and shook it off, both the snow and his attitude. “You’re lucky we don’t have the time.” Shaking his head, he flung droplets of ice all over the cab.

  Shane slid into the passenger seat and fastened his seat belt. “Just watch your driving, Dale Earnhardt.”

  “Yes, mother fucker.” Checking his mirrors, Carter started down the drive. “Everybody buckle up.”

  Aware of the ice, I obeyed, and not a moment too soon. I heard the click of the emergency brake engaging. The next thing I knew, the truck was doing a three-sixty down Tate’s driveway. I braced myself, flattening my palm against the glass, preparing for im
pact. I grasped the headrest of Shane’s seat with the other. Carter, on the other hand, hooted with laughter. With a strident pop, he disengaged the brake and straightened the truck as if he hadn’t just used it as an amusement park ride. The fuck if we didn’t slide parallel onto the road and continue driving.

  “You’re a crazy mother fucker,” Shane swore, though I could hear amusement in his tone.

  “Remember that,” Carter replied. “There’s always time for paybacks.”

  “I think I just peed all over your seat,” I confessed. While it produced a rush of adrenaline that cleared the fuzz from my head, a little warning might’ve been nice.

  “Typical,” Carter scoffed. “You fall like a girl. Doesn’t surprise me you scare like one too.”

  “Girls don’t always fall.”

  “Coop. Tate’s mom. You.” Holding up his hand, he popped another finger up with each name. “And women wonder why they’re always portrayed as clumsy in the movies.”

  “Coop’s father fell.”

  “One.”

  “Whatever. Like you’ve never fallen.”

  “I don’t, usually. I have great hand eye coordination. It’s why I’m good at everything I do.”

  “Conceited much?”

  “Confident and assertive; there’s a difference. It’s something that some men and most women lack. Take Shane for example. For th—”

  “What the fuck, Carter!”

  “For three weeks,” Carter pressed, ignoring Shane’s objection, “he’s jumped through hoops to get your attention, but he’s failed because he lacks the confidence women look for in a man.”

  “That’s not true,” I said in Shane’s defense.

  “Then why do you keep refusing to go out with him.”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Is he unattractive?”

  “Come on, Carter!”

  “Indulge me, Emster.”

  “No.”

  “No, you won’t indulge me or no, you don’t think he’s unattractive?”

  “Both.”

  “Hear that, Shane?” Carter said, nudging Shane in the ribs, “She doesn’t think you’re ugly. We’re getting somewhere.”

  “Shove it, Carter, and leave her alone.” Shane settled further into his seat as if he wanted to crawl into himself. I did. I felt like I was in grade school again.