Breaking the Habit

by Anne Berkeley

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated.

  “I know it’s not easy to talk about,” Marshall admitted. But he had shared his feelings with me, nonetheless.

  “I didn’t want to be judged.”

  “Judged?” Marshall objected. “Who the fuck would’ve judged you?” Looking down at me, he faltered, taking in my expression. Did I mention I didn’t cry pretty?

  “I was her mother. I should’ve protected her.”

  “Damn it.” Tugging me into against him, he enveloped me in an embrace. “Sorry, Em. I’m an asshole.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  Marshall’s chest shook with laughter. “I’m sorry. You’ll forgive me?”

  “Maybe, but you’ll have to work for it.”

  Letting me go, Marshall cuffed me on the shoulder. “You know that’s bullshit, don’t you?” He wasn’t talking about our friendly jesting.

  I lifted a shoulder, noncommittally. “I should’ve done something. I should’ve asked for help. As her mother, it was my responsibility to protect her when she couldn’t protect herself.”

  “You shot the fucker, didn’t you?”

  “It wasn’t enough.”

  Distressed, Marshall pushed a hand through his hair. “Lord, woman, you’re in dire need of counseling.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re going to get it in Seattle.”

  “Yes, Marshall.”

  “I’ll drag you there myself if I have to.”

  “I know, Marshall.”

  Letting the subject rest, we fell into silence. The walk to Giovanna’s grave was morose, but Marshall’s presence made it bearable.

  Still, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

  “This is a pretty nice spot you picked, Em.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  “Which stone is hers?”

  “The angel.” The life-sized angel that I had carved specifically to watch over Giovanna’s grave. She was beautiful, strong, commanding. In one hand, she held an infant swathed in ripples of linen, and in the other, a sword. Unfurled, her wings stretched the span of the clearing. Her stance was vigilant, her expression portentous.

  She was the mother my daughter deserved.

  “Holy Christ.”

  Marshall’s reaction brought a smile to my lips. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

  “Where’d you have it imported from—Greece?”

  “Italy.”

  “Must’ve cost you a small fortune.”

  “A large fortune.” But it was petty change to Tommy. He would’ve made it back in less than a week. The check Richard offered me would’ve paid for dozens of statues. I was still puzzled over the offer.

  “Diane said she would visit if you liked.”

  “Did she?” God bless her. It was a comfort, and not a small one. My own mother had never come to visit Giovanna.

  As we approached, the smile faded from my face. A spray of scarlet roses stood out like blood in the snow. My back stiffened beneath Marshall’s hand. “Somebody’s been here.”

  “Is that unusual?”

  “I’m the only one who knows she’s here.”

  “Maybe someone likes your statue,” Marshall hypothesized. Even so, he took out his phone and punched something in, then unholstered his gun. The bouquet of flowers he brought lay abandoned in the snow.

  “What’re you doing?” I trilled. With a gun in his hand, Marshall was seriously fucking scary. Who was I kidding? Without a gun in his hand, Marshall was seriously fucking scary.

  “My fucking job.” As I followed the footprints to the marble bench behind the mausoleum, Marshall lifted his gun. “Hands up. Step forward. Slowly.”

  With a slight gimp, Thomas Machiavelli stepped out of the shadow. My bowels turned to liquid. Except for the cane, he looked the same, well groomed, sleek black hair, and Gucci suit. His nose was a little more crooked than I remembered. His eyes were still as black as the devil’s.

  I hadn’t gotten a good look at him when he showed up at my door upon his release from prison. I had peeked through the window and then promptly dialed the police. He was gone before they arrived. Now that I’d gotten a good look at him, it appeared that prison suited him. He still had that same raw sex appeal.

  “Place your hands behind your—”

  “—head. I know the routine,” Tommy drawled. “Quite well.” Placing his hands behind his head, his laced his fingers together and spread his legs. “I’m unarmed.”

  A second later, Derek joined us. Holstering his weapon, he approached Tommy and began patting him down. “Sir, are you aware that Miss Cipollini has a restraining order that prohibits you from coming within one hundred yards of her?”

  “I am. I was just paying my respects when Emelia arrived. I wasn’t aware she would be visiting today.”

  “You have no right to be here!” I hissed. He was desecrating my daughter’s resting place simply by being there. “No fuckin’ right!”

  I hadn’t realized how shaken I was until Shane placed his hand on my shoulder. A shiver rolled down my spine. I hadn’t seen him approach, or Carter for that matter, as focused as I was on my ex-husband.

  “Hey,” Shane murmured. “Let me walk you back to the car.”

  “There’s no need,” Tommy said. “I was just leaving.” Sliding his hand into his jacket, he froze when Marshall’s hand tightened on the palm of his gun. “Hey, now, calm that trigger finger, King Kong.”

  “He’s clear,” Derek confirmed. Running his hands down Tommy’s legs, he stood, finished with his search. “He’s got nothing.”

  Tommy extracted a white envelope from his inner pocket, waved it like a white flag of truce. “I’d just like to give her this before I go.”

  “I don’t want it! I don’t want anything from you!”

  “It’s not mine to give.” Again, he proffered the envelope. “It’s the deed to Nonna’s. Your father left it to you in his will. If you returned the calls from my lawyers, you would’ve known. Maybe you could’ve saved it. Unfortunately, your mother’s run it into the ground. She knows food, but she doesn’t have a clue how to run a business. In any event,” he sighed, as if he was aggrieved over the situation, “I thought you might want the name. You could reestablish elsewhere.”

  My mother’s visit made sense now. I had been right all along. She wanted Tommy’s money, enough to sacrifice my happiness, if not my life so she could save the restaurant, and in turn, her lifestyle. The woman’s greed and narcissism knew no bounds. I couldn’t fathom how she could forsake without thought, what I mourned over every waking minute.

  I was her child.

  I supposed I would never make sense of how her mind worked.

  Imprudently, Tommy took one step toward me. Marshall immediately blocked his path. “Give it to me.”

  “It’s fine, Marshall. Let him go.” The hell if I was going give Tommy the satisfaction of knowing I was afraid. In all honesty, he couldn’t hurt me anymore than he already had. I’d survived the worst of his abuse.

  “I always respected your resilience.”

  “Respect…is that what you’re calling your left hand these days? What do you call your right, appreciation?”

  Stopping only when Shane pressed his hand to his chest, warning him from coming any closer, Tommy stared down his aquiline nose. I stared back, my jaw set.

  “You’ve developed a sense of humor, I see.”

  “I’ve always had a sense of humor. I just never found you funny.”

  “People change, Emelia. I’ve taken counseling.”

  I laughed at his audacity. Well, it was really a snort. He was a real piece of work. He stole my father’s restaurant and hid the deed until he could use it in his favor. Even now, he was partnering with my mother to force me back under his thumb. Neither one understood that I never cared about the money.

  “See there—I made you laugh.”

  “I snorted because if you think for one second that I’d come back to you, you’re seriously delusional.”


  “I made no insinuation of wanting you back. I’ve met someone, actually. She’s intelligent and refined, something I could never teach you.”

  “Is this guy for real?” I heard Carter say.

  “Carter,” said Shane in a tone I’d never heard from him before. “Walk Emelia back to the car.”

  “Why me?”

  “What’re you doing?” I asked, though I already knew. So did Tommy, because he glanced around himself, taking stock of the situation.

  “Three against one is hardly fair,” he countered “and I have a bad leg.”

  Carter, who’d come to stand at my side, faced Tommy. “I have a bad leg, too. I’d say that makes us even.”

  “Carter,” Shane pressed.

  Carter scowled at Shane. He ceded, but not before kicking Tommy’s good knee. Tommy collapsed, stifling a scream through gritted teeth. He clutched his leg as Carter bent over him with a smirk. “Now it’s even, mother fucker!"

  Taking my hand, Carter began dragging me back to the car. “Shane! Goddamn it! You don’t have to do this!” He was going to get himself arrested. They all were. I refused to send another man to prison. I already had Garrison on my conscience. “Please!”

  Refusing to look at me, Shane pulled his cigarettes from his pocket and tapped one from the pack. He lifted it to his mouth, lit it with a long drag. Looking up from under his ridge of dark brows, his steely eyes met Marshall’s. “He’s all yours, bro.”

  An appreciative leer wormed its way across Marshall’s face. He removed his gun and handed it to Derek, then lifted his arms into the air, stretching his muscles. I could practically hear the rope-like creak of tendons and the popping of joints.

  “Oh Jesus,” I breathed. Shock subdued fear, neutralizing my fight. I staggered alongside Carter, trying to keep up with his pace. “He’s going to kill him.”

  “Nah, but he’s going to make him wish he were never alive.”

  Chapter 14

  With Fiend’s leash knotted tightly around my left hand, I descended the stairs of the jet and stepped into the cold, Nampa air. “This isn’t an airport,” I voiced. “This is a…a…model train set in the middle of a cornfield. Can we not fly into one city that has enough smog to melt the layer of snow covering the ground?”

  Unless I was nestled in a ski lodge in the Adirondacks, I was one hundred percent all for Spring. Christmas was officially over. My fall on the ice and the ensuing concussion left me with a bad taste in my mouth. The winter wonderland no longer held the same appeal it once did.

  “Eugene will be better,” said Carter behind me.

  “Really?”

  “No.”

  My retort died on my tongue, spotting Coop climbing out of the car. Tate was helping her so she didn’t slip on the ice. She’d grown noticeably in the two weeks I was gone. At four months along, a normal pregnancy would barely show, but Coop was having twins, and she was inarguably round. Her coat was taught at the center.

  Slipping his hand around mine, Shane squeezed. I leaned my head against his shoulder, stifling the tears that wanted to come. I wondered if the longing I ever felt would subside, if I would ever feel content with the path God had chosen for me.

  “You ok?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied. Lifting my head, I girded my loins. “I guess I should get it over with. She’s going to hand me a ration of shit.”

  “She cares about you.”

  We had a bond, Coop and I. We were brought together by fate. Maybe I had to suffer in order for her to thrive. Maybe that was the path God chose. Maybe she and the children she carried were my purpose. For the time being, I’d content myself with that. As I watched Levy’s eyes brighten over the sight of the puppies, I filed my heartache away for another time. The kid’s smile could do wonders for one’s soul.

  Dropping his head for a brief kiss, Shane smiled and brushed his fingers across my cheek. As if he hadn’t done it a dozen times during the flight. My face flushed with heat. It felt like a flame against the cool air, warming me from the inside out.

  “I,” he emphasized, “care about you.”

  “Stop it,” I scoffed, “before you make me say the ‘L’ word.” The wheels were already set well into motion, but I wasn’t ready for that level in our relationship yet.

  Just the first letter should be enough to make him back off, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. As I turned away, he smiled widely. Suddenly, facing Coop wasn’t quite as daunting. I made a run for it. “Time,” Shane warned. “Gimme time.”

  “I’ll give you plenty.”

  I heard his low chuckle as I walked away.

  Coop met me half way across the tarmac. I wasn’t sure what my reception would be, or how poor, more precisely. She didn’t appear chipper. Tate walked a few feet behind her, carrying Levy on his hip. Over Coop’s shoulder, he was giving me hearts and kisses, and gesturing I-owe-yous. Big I-owe-yous. Plural I-owe-yous.

  Frowning, Coop looked at me and then over her shoulder, catching Tate mid kiss. “What are you doing?”

  “I was telling Lev to blow Auntie Em kisses.”

  “Auntie Em?”

  “It sounded right.” Tate lifted his shoulders, beaming that crooked smile in Coop’s direction. I could practically see her melt with adoration.

  “Because it’s from The Wizard of Oz.”

  “I wouldn’t know. I never watched it.”

  “How could you have never watched The Wizard of Oz?”

  “I’m a guy. Guys don’t watch that stuff.”

  “Levy’s seen it.”

  “Yeah, but it doesn’t count. He’s too young to know that it’s not cool for guys to watch The Wizard of Oz.”

  “Well, maybe you were on the cusp of developing your autobiographical memory. You’ve seen it. You just don’t remember that you’ve seen it.” Shaking her head, Coop faced me again. “Do you see what I have to deal with on a daily basis? And you were going to abandon me and leave me here, the only one with ovaries.”

  As if she’d said something offensive or insulting, she became abruptly silent. It took a minute for it to register what she might’ve said to cause dismay. “I still have an ovary,” I assured. “Technically.”

  “God, I’m such a jerk,” Coop moaned, breaking her silence. “I’m sorry.” Before she could work herself up to tears, I figured I better settle her down. Lord knows, if she cried, I’d cry. The men would grow uncomfortable and shuffle around awkwardly.

  “It’s fine, Coop. I’m ok. Really. I am.”

  By the time she could look me in the eye again, she’d taken a long gander at the rest of us. Particularly Carter’s nose and black eyes, Shane’s black eye and split lip, Marshall’s black eye, and my cat scratches. “What the heck happened to all of you?”

  “Doggie pee pee?” Levy observed, gathering our attention. Indeed, the four hour flight proved taxing. Fiend had squatted and was emptying her bladder. Rake was circling in preparation to follow suit.

  “Per amor di Dio, Fiend! Here?” I wouldn’t have cared, but we were still on the tarmac. “You couldn’t have waited twenty more feet?”

  “I’ll take them,” Shane offered.

  “No, I’ll walk them while you guys get the bags. I’ll only be a few minutes. Then we can get out of here and get something to eat. I’m starving.” Now that I knew Coop wasn’t going to lambaste me, my appetite had returned with vengeance.

  “I’ll walk with you,” Coop said. She looked to Tate as if daring the overprotective husband and future father to object. He quickly raised his hand in surrender.

  “Levy and I will help with the bags.”

  “No me!” Levy objected. “I go too.” He stretched his arms, fingers reaching for his mother. Tate placed him down and patted him on the backside.

  “Hold your mama’s hand, ya hear? Mama can’t pick you up.” The demand was moot. Levy had no intention of being carried. His attention was focused on the puppies. As he toddled to their side, Fiend turned and lapped at his face.<
br />
  “Oh Lord. He’s going to want one now,” Coop voiced. “Come on Lev, and hold mama’s hand.” Hopping exuberantly to Coop’s side, Levy grasped her hand, all teeth and smiles.

  “I hab puppy?”

  “No, no puppy.” She scowled at me in accusation. “Do you see? Do you see what you started, Em?”

  “It wasn’t my idea! Shane adopted them. I don’t know what he was thinking. No, I do know what he was thinking. He wooed me with dogs.”

  “Impressive.” Smiling widely, she stared at me in anticipation.

  “Per amor di dio! I don’t want to talk about it!” I felt like I was in high school again. I hadn’t felt this self-conscious in years.

  “You have to! I’m your best friend! It’s required!”

  Finally, Rake squatted and did his business in the grass where he was supposed to. Levy watched with certain interest. The kid was going to have a ball camping if Tate ever took him.

  “Em, I’m going to lose it if you don’t start talking.”

  I thought for a moment, gathered my thoughts. What was I supposed to say? “He’s self-contained. Observant. Persistent. Thoughtful.”

  “Good in bed?”

  I laughed, flushing with color. “Insatiable.”

  “So what did he do to win you over?”

  “He backed off,” I said in all seriousness. My smile faded. “It scared me. I think I got used to his company. And it’s not that he talks a lot. He’s completely the opposite. But he has this presence without being overbearing.”

  “He made you feel safe.”

  “To an extent,” I admitted. “But I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely dependent or at ease with anyone. That’s not on him; it’s all me.”

  “You’re giving him a chance. That’s a big step.”

  A huge step.

  “Does he make you happy?”

  “Scared shitless.”

  Coop burst out laughing, her face glowing with amusement. “Sorry,” she apologized. “It’s easier when the shoe is on the other foot, isn’t it?”

  “You’re not kidding.”

  “You like him.”

  “Too much,” I said, using her words from not too long ago.

  “One day at a time, Em,” she said, using mine. Looking down, her nose scrunched up. “Ooh, I hope you brought a baggie.” Rake had found a fresh patch of grass to fertilize.