by Lara Swann
I’m pretty sure Caleb isn’t the right person to ask that question to, but I do anyway.
He laughs and squeezes me closer. “No, not at all.”
Then he bends down and kisses me, lingering a little - soft and gentle and all the things he wasn’t just moments earlier - before we leave to meet my friends.
No doubt this will be another point for Caleb in Mel’s mind, too.
Chapter Fourteen
Caleb
I shut my door behind me and turn towards Alana’s, familiar lust rising within me as I start thinking about what we might get up to before lectures begin today.
Then I freeze before I’m halfway there.
What the fuck—
“Oh, Caleb!” Alana turns towards me with a smile, looking back at the man standing with her.
Sullivan.
The fucking boss of the fucking Irish Mob.
Oh hell no.
“This is my father - he came down to visit for the day.” She gestures towards me, “And Dad, this is Caleb. He’s—”
“Living next to your daughter, sir.” I force out, shooting her a quick look before she can get any further. I have no idea how she was planning to introduce me, but I sure as hell can’t let it happen. “I transferred to North Carolina this semester, and she’s been kind enough to show me around a bit.”
I steel myself before I meet his eyes, keeping my expression carefully blank. Hopefully whatever else he sees in there he’ll mistake for what the fuck are you doing here?! Without telling me?!
My heart hammers as I wonder briefly whether he’s checking up on me. Whether he knows.
But Sullivan just gives me a tight smile and nods, and I take the chance to get the hell out of here before she can say anything more revealing.
“I’ll leave you both to catch up then. See you around, Alana.” I wave, then turn and walk away, ignoring both pairs of eyes on my back.
I pause once I’m around the corner and out of sight, taking a quick, calming breath and trying to stop my body going into adrenaline-fuelled fight mode.
Sullivan will have to live with me leaving Alana unprotected while he’s here - I’m sure he can understand that. What I don’t know is what Alana will tell him. I made it pretty fucking clear not to, but Sullivan isn’t an idiot and Alana doesn’t really have any reason to oblige…
Fuuuuck.
I take another breath and continue walking away, getting out of the building and into fresh air again. I won’t go too far - no doubt Sullivan will want me close enough to reach - but I’ll stay out of sight and away from them.
This is going to be a fucking long day.
With potential torture and death at the end of it. Fan-fucking-tastic.
I continue to take deep breaths and force myself to calm down, and when Alana and Sullivan finally leave the building, he isn’t apoplectic with rage or looking particularly murderous, so I try to relax a little. Even if it is fucking hard.
What the hell is he doing here? I’m meant to be watching out for her…confronting me unexpectedly like that…it could’ve blown everything for him, if nothing else.
Maybe he didn’t expect to see me. Maybe he thought I wouldn’t say something stupid in shock. Maybe…ah, fuck it, I’ve never been able to work Sullivan out.
I play with the phone in my pocket and for the first time contemplate calling my own father. He might know. And with Sullivan here, it’s not like I can’t take a few minutes…I’m surprised how much I miss my old man. The training, the shit talk and fucking around. I haven’t been back to Baltimore for…at least a month now. Too long.
But I don’t. I just follow, and try not to watch, and try not to make myself obvious. And curse everything to hell.
I’m right. It’s a long fucking day.
And worse, it’s too much time alone, thinking.
Seeing Sullivan like that…it’s enough to shock me out of whatever stupor I’ve been living in with Alana. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but somehow it all got away from me - going to lectures, messing about with her and her friends, having hot sex and being with her practically twenty-four-seven…it was almost enough to make me forget about my life.
About who I really am, and what I really do. All those questions I only just manage to avoid from her.
Now they’re living and breathing right in front of me - all the answers she wants, right there with her father.
I don’t know how I could have forgotten it. Or what the hell was wrong with me for ever getting into this.
By the time Sullivan leaves Alana and looks for me outside, I’m confused in a way I didn’t think I could be.
But at least I’ve calmed down enough to be coherent.
“Caleb.” Sullivan’s intent voice catches my attention as he approaches.
“Boss.” I nod, trying to act normal. “Didn’t realize you were coming down today.”
He shrugs, and I realize for the first time how tired he looks. “It wasn’t planned. But after the last few weeks…I wanted to see her.”
Something in me relaxes a little at that. Of course.
“You haven’t got any leads?” I ask.
“No,” Sullivan shakes his head, “But the messages keep escalating. I think the bastard is dragging it out deliberately - trying to put me through hell first. It’s working, too. Fucker.”
I nod again, feeling a little awkward. I have no idea what to say to him about this - it’s the kind of conversation Sullivan might have with my father, but…not me. I’m just there to do a job - not to confide in.
“I’ve got everyone looking at it now, though. Going through anyone who I might’ve pissed off…fucking long list, that.” He grunts.
“I’ll let you know if I see anything here, but so far…there’s been nothing.” I say, feeling like he’s expecting more than our standard order and acknowledgment routine.
Nothing you’ve seen anyway…and has your attention really been focused on that recently?
Sullivan slaps me on the shoulder and nods, giving me a grim smile. “Thanks, Caleb. I know it’s been a while, but you’re doing a great job out here - Alana didn’t seem even the least suspicious about having you around.”
“You, err…asked her?” I say before I think better of it, my stomach fluttering at the idea of that conversation.
“I probed a little about if she’d seen or noticed anything or whether there was anything bothering her. I doubt she would’ve seen anything to lead us to the bastard when you haven’t - she was more likely to pick up on you being around than that, but it was worth asking for either answer.” Sullivan responds.
“Ah, yes…right.” I agree.
No direct questions about me? So far, so good.
“Are you planning to stick around for much longer?” I ask, after a moment’s silence.
“No. I need to head back - just wanted to catch up with you and see if anything had changed.” He says.
“Sure. I’ll let you know if it does.” I glance towards the door again as I speak - Alana usually heads out to the library or dinner with Mel and Lily about this time, and the last thing I want her to see is us talking together.
“Good man.” He nods, slaps me on the shoulder again and walks off, one look back over his shoulder at the building I’m living in.
I’m not sure what to make of any of it - that’s the first time I’ve ever seen Sullivan act that way. This must really be getting to him. I’ve never known an issue he hasn’t been able to handle in a matter of weeks - and this is about his daughter as well.
The daughter I’m fucking.
And suddenly I have no idea what to do about that.
I slowly walk towards the building doors, heading up the stairs as I try to get my head around it all.
Living here, with nothing happening beyond keeping up a general alertness, it was almost easy to forget what all this about. The threat on Alana’s life. The hitman waiting to kill her for her father’s crimes. My place in the Irish Mob.
But somehow…she made me forget all that. Get caught up in passion and fucking and…who knows what else. Light-hearted college bullshit. A life that isn’t mine.
And I’ve been fucking stupid about it.
I reach my room just as Alana comes out of hers.
“Caleb—” She starts, walking towards me.
I stop and turn, already knowing what she’s going to say.
She tilts her head, expression disturbingly neutral. “Your neighbor, huh?”
I give her the answer I’ve been thinking through all day with a shrug. “That was your father. I’m really not interested in the meet-the-parents routine, hun.”
Her gaze narrows, as I expected it would, but she just folds her arms and looks at me for a long, painful moment. My heart thumps hard in my chest and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Maybe I can’t get away from Alana, but I’m starting to think I should’ve forced a hell of a lot more distance.
Then she just nods, accepting it, and I stare at her in surprise. I was definitely thinking this would be a pissed-off-what-the-hell-are-we-doing kind of conversation.
“I was just about to head to the library, but I’ll be back in a few hours. I’ll see you when I get back?” She asks.
“Ah…” I hesitate, “I might take a rain check on that today. Got a few things to sort out.”
It’s an obvious pushing her away move, but I don’t care. I need the space, even if I will have to follow her around regardless.
She pauses, then just nods and turns to leave.
I watch her back as she goes, an uncomfortable sinking feeling in my gut. Everything that was clear only hours ago seems increasingly murky, the boundaries that I thought were there now blurred and confused.
And I haven’t got a clue what to do about it.
Chapter Fifteen
Alana
“What’s wrong, Alana?” Lily’s soft question finally draws me out of staring unfocused into the distance, and I glance up at her.
“I…don’t know.” I don’t even try to pretend there’s nothing wrong - a glance at the clock tells me it’s been an hour and I’m not sure I’ve even read the questions we’re supposed to be working on.
For once they both stay silent, just waiting for me, and it takes me another long moment before I sigh.
“My father came to visit today.” I start.
“And…that wasn’t fun?” Mel asks, brow furrowing. Clearly not where she’d expected the conversation to go. Not what I’d expected either.
“No, it was. Seeing him was good.” I clarify.
Though even that had been weird. He’d been…off. All on edge, and not nearly as interested in my studies as he usually is.
“So, what’s up then?” Lily asks.
I take a breath and finally say it. The thing that’s been on my mind all day. “He met Caleb this morning—”
“Ooohh” Mel starts, and I roll my eyes at her.
“Yeah, that’s the thing. It wasn’t ooohhh, it was…meh.” I say, “I started to introduce him and it ended with ‘yeah, we live next to each other - she’s showing me around’.”
“Oh.” Lily finishes.
“Exactly.” I sigh.
“And you wanted…something else?” Mel asks cautiously.
“That’s the thing - I don’t know. I didn’t think I wanted anything. But…after that, I don’t know.” I run my hands through my hair, staring off into the distance again. “It’s just that after all the time we’ve spent together…maybe I was getting the wrong idea? It started feeling like more than casual nothing. I mean, how can you spend pretty much twenty-four-seven with someone and not start thinking it meant a little more? Not happily-ever-after, crazy love sort of thing, but…worth acknowledging at least.”
I look up at them both, and I’m not sure the sympathy in their expressions helps at all.
“Did you…ask him about it?” Mel finally asks.
I nod, then shake my head. “Yep - and got nothing. He doesn’t want to meet my father, doesn’t want to get involved in my life. I should’ve known better, right? I mean, there’s still so much I don’t know about this guy.”
There’s a long moment of silence, and then Lily reaches over and squeezes my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Alana.” She says.
“Yeah, well…more fool me, right? I knew what I was getting into.” I say, trying not to feel bitter about it.
“Still,” Mel adds, “With how you guys have been practically joined at the hip, it was natural to assume…I mean, we did…”
She trails off and glances towards Lily, and that just makes me feel worse.
“I was honestly having a good time though - the sex is fan-fucking-tastic, to put it bluntly, and he’s a fun guy to be around. And I’m not sure I even need more than that.” I try to justify, repeating the muddled thoughts that keep circling in my own mind.
“That was what you got together for.” Lily perks up, always keen to put things in a more positive light.
“I still don’t know the first fucking thing about him, though. All this time and I feel like I’ve gotten closer…only to realize how little I really understand him.” I mutter.
“That’s the case with men the world over.” Mel philosophizes. “You never really know what they’re thinking—”
“No, I mean—” I cut myself off.
For some reason I don’t want to mention the scars, or the weird freaking-out behavior, or…any of the strange things about Caleb.
They’re his secrets, I guess, and I don’t want to betray them.
“What do you mean?” Mel pursues, and I just shrug and sigh.
“I’m not sure what I mean. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. And how pathetic does that sound, right? Lost over a typical playboy guy, like every college girl gets.” I take a long drink of water before looking up at them, knowing my face is flushing.
I’m not sure why being like everyone else bothers me so much - probably some misguided sense of vanity. Or maybe just that I saw these mistakes from miles away, yet I still fell for them anyway.
“Well,” Mel says decisively, “These things happen. Sometimes…things get confused. But that’s okay - you just need to work out what you want. Then you’ll know what to do about it.”
I snort, “Sure, that simple, huh?”
“She has a point, Alana.” Lily continues, “Sounds like you want more than just the sex now. Which is okay, you know? Maybe it complicates things, but everything has a way of getting complicated eventually. And if you really want that, pretending otherwise is probably worse.”
I chew my lip as I think it through, feeling entirely uncomfortable but knowing I’ve only got myself to blame for it all.
“Lily’s right, Alana.” Mel adds, “You should tell him.”
“And watch him run a mile?” I raise a brow.
“If that’s his reaction…isn’t it better to know?” Lily asks.
I snort, “Well, it would kill the awesome sex I’m getting at the moment.”
I’m joking about it, but that’s really the crux of the problem - isn’t it better to have what I do at the moment, than tell him and risk losing it all?
“I think the no-strings, casual sex is over, babe.” Mel responds, “The moment you realize you want more…that’s it.”
“Well that’s encouraging,” I grumble, “Remind me why we got into this in the first place? If I recall, it was all your fault.”
“Hah, I’ll take the blame for a month of getting laid any day of the week.” She grins at me, reaching across to squeeze my shoulder, and I feel myself relax a little.
“I guess I did get that.” I smile back, shaking my head at them. “I’m being stupid, aren’t I?”
“Only about as much as expected when you’re taken by a guy.” Lily says with a laugh.
“How about you and Tom?” I ask, taking the opening to change the subject. “How close are you guys to these sorts of problems?”
“Oh, I don’t think I need to worry about that for a while. We’re still casual.” She grins.
“Are you sure about that, Lily?” Mel leans over and pokes her. “Maybe you are, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You might be having this conversation sooner than you think.”
“Oh, god.” Lily looks up at that. “You don’t think so, do you?”
Mel just laughs, “I know, right? Who would’ve thought you’d end up being the heart breaker, huh?”
I laugh with them, but I can’t shake my own uncomfortable feelings. Maybe I needed to talk about it, but thinking about things ending with Caleb…talk of broken hearts, dashed hopes…it’s suddenly too much.
“Thanks guys.” I say, “I…you’re probably right. I need to find Caleb. Tell him that what we’re doing can’t be nothing anymore.”
My expression must give me away, because Mel leans over to me and squeezes my shoulder. “It’ll be okay, babe. There’s no way he’s going to give this up - he’s just being a typical guy, scared of anything more. You’ll get him to come around.”
I smile and nod, but secretly, I’m wondering.
There have been too many times when he’s closed off from me - withdrawn and shut me out. I think maybe we have something together, but then…that happens. And if he can do that so easily, then when I push for more from him…I can’t help but think I’m just going to get the same response.
But they’re right. I can’t pretend like it doesn’t mean anything anymore.
I like Caleb. He makes me feel happy and light and free - and I’ve never felt so satisfied in my life.
Maybe he’s not the right guy for me. Maybe I’m not for him. But we’ll never know unless we actually consider it.
Now I just need to work out how the hell to tell him.
Chapter Sixteen
Caleb
I spend the next few days avoiding Alana.
Which isn’t easy when I can’t let her out of my sight. But that’s where being the hottest young hitman in the Irish mob comes in, so I manage…just about.
I know she wants to talk - she’s said as much. And it’s not hard to guess what it’s going to be about.