Because of Ellison

by M. S. Willis

  She looked at me like I was nuts. Her voice was a whisper when she asked, “Why can’t you just go home?”

  We stood staring at each other for a few seconds. It was eerily quiet where we stood, almost as if the birds and bugs had stopped to watch, curious to find out what would happen between us.

  We locked eyes and I walked up to her. Grabbing her by her chin, I tilted her angry face up in my direction and held on when she tried to pull away.

  “I am home. Why can’t you just accept it?”

  My lips fell on hers and I kissed her with everything that I had. I told her I loved her with that kiss, I told her that I would protect her, that I would care for her and that I would fight for her every fucking day if that’s what it took for me to be with her. My knees almost buckled to taste her again and I didn’t want to take pleasure in forcing my mouth on hers, but I couldn’t help it, I was estatic. I realized in that moment that my life couldn’t be lived unless she was in it and I would take on the whole fucking world for her if it would get her to stand by my side.

  Slowly, she wriggled out of my grasp and her eyes burned holes into me. Without looking away, she reached up and wiped my kiss from her mouth. If it had been raining, steam would have risen from her head because the woman was as heated as a damn oven, she was so pissed.

  “Do us both a favor and go back to school, Hunter. Go do great things and live a great life. If there’s anything left of me by the time you graduate, then fine, come back and find me, but for now, you need to be someplace else.”

  I couldn’t tell if her tears were from pain or frustration, but the fact that they fell told me she needed me more than she realized.

  “Not a chance in hell, Ellison James.” Walking towards her again, I noticed the small steps she took to keep distance between us, so I just walked faster. I gripped her by her arms and pulled her shaking body against me.

  “Tell me you don’t love me. You want me away from here? You want me to believe that we’re not meant to be together? Then fine! Just tell me you don’t love me - that you can live the rest of your fucking life without seeing me and you’d be perfectly content with it! Because you need to know that I wouldn’t be content. I’ve been miserable since I left here. All I can think about is what it feels like to talk to you, to laugh with you, to hold you and kiss you and argue with you! Even when you’re annoying the living shit out of me by being as stubborn as you are, I still can’t get enough of you. I love you, Ellison. I’ve found something that I feel passionate about in my life just like you asked — I found you! You are what I’m passionate about, you are the person for whom I want to live and breathe and I’m determined to do whatever it fucking takes to get you through this! For once in your fucking life, let somebody help you!”

  She pulled away from me again and stepped back quickly towards her house. I followed her. When she’d almost reached her door, she turned around. “I don’t love you, Hunter.” It was a gut punch and shot to the chest all at the same time to hear her say it, but her tears told me she was lying. “Now, go home.”

  She turned back and I yelled after her. What I had to say was harsh, but she needed to hear it. “Your dad is the one who’s dying, Ellison, not you! So, when you can get it through your thick skull that you need help and that your life will continue on after his ends, I’ll be outside waiting for you to tell me. I’ll be right fucking here waiting for you to realize you’re pushing away your future because you’re too damn stubborn to realize you can’t take on the world and all of its problems by yourself!”

  I planted my ass on the hood of my car and stared at her back as she walked away. My heart slammed against my chest and my lungs dragged in air, desperate to replace the oxygen I’d lost by screaming. My hands hurt from fisting as tight as I held them and my body trembled from the flood of emotions that coursed its way through my veins.

  She paused for a second before she opened the door and I thought she was going to say something. She didn’t. When she went inside, I settled against the car determined to stay there day and night until she admitted that she needed me in her life.

  An hour passed and I shifted in my seat on the hood. I heard the door open and close at Bill’s house, but my creepy stalker eyes remained trained to Ellison’s front door. Bill walked up beside me and silently handed me a bag of frozen peas. I looked at him in question.

  “It’s for the nipples. That looked like it hurt.”

  I laughed and couldn’t blame him for watching. Ellison and I were screaming right outside of his living room window. I placed the bag to my chest and, oddly, it helped. I’d been too mad to realize the skin where she’d pinched me was swollen and inflamed. When I breathed out a sigh, Bill chuckled.

  “I learned to use frozen peas instead of ice after Emily hit me in the jaw for the third time after I’d pissed her off. The woman had one hell of a right hook and I found that the peas were less messy.”

  I laughed softly. “She must have been a strong woman.”

  “She was.”

  He unfolded a lawn chair and sat it down in front of my car. “Think this might be more comfortable than where you’re at now.”

  I smiled while sliding down the hood to sit in the chair. “Thanks for worrying about me, Bill.”

  He laughed. “It’s not you I’m worried about. This is a really nice fucking car and I’ll be damned to let your big ass dent it.” He clapped me on the shoulder and looked over to Ellison’s house.

  A small sliver of rage wound its way through my body when he mentioned damaging the car because it made me think of its owner. “It’s not mine, so I don’t give much of a fuck.”

  Bill huffed out a breath. “Don’t matter whose name is on the title, it’s still an impressive ride and I won’t put up with you abusing it in my driveway.”

  I didn’t respond. My mind kept mulling over the looks of disgust on my parents’ faces when I’d mentioned inviting Bill and Lily up for the holidays. Eventually, I gave in to my curiousity.

  My eyes were trained on Ellison’s door when I asked, “What happened with you and my dad?”

  He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering, “Ellison’s mama happened.”

  My eyes immediately shot to look at him. “What?”

  Bill sighed again and grabbed another lawn chair that he’d brought with him. Unfolding it, he took a seat beside me like he had a story to tell. “Well, Anna, Emily, your dad and I all grew up together. Anna and Emily were best friends. They were the same age as your dad, but I was only a year and a half older so I ended up hanging around with them most of the time. Eventually, as we grew older, your daddy fell for Anna and I fell for Emily. Your daddy dated Anna for few years in high school and he was about as smitten as a man could be with a woman. Henry moved into town during my senior year and we became friends. After a few days, he became one of the group. Anna and Henry had something special almost instantly and after a few months, she decided that she wanted to be with him. It broke your dad’s heart to lose her. He reacted badly and got angry with me for not cutting Anna out of my life. But, she was Emily’s friend, and there was no way in hell I was leaving Emily. I thought he’d gotten over it by the time he went off to college, but after he left I didn’t hear from him very often. He lived down here for a few more years after he finished school and we got you kids together every once in a while, but then his business took off and he moved up north.”

  “Holy shit. Did my mom know about Anna?”

  Shrugging his shoulders, Bill looked at me. “Don’t know how she would unless he told your mom about her.”

  I returned my gaze to El’s house and sat back in my chair. I noticed how every once in a while she would look out the window, but fling the curtain back in place every time she saw me. I tried to imagine what she was doing inside.

  Jake came outside after a few minutes and shot us a strange look before crossing over to us. He turned to look back at his house and back at us. “Do I want to know why you two a
re parked in lawn chairs staring at my house?”

  Bill and I looked up at him in unison. Finally, Bill laughed and answered, “Hunter is sitting outside the house waiting for when your sister will admit she needs him.”

  Jake joined in Bill’s laughter. “Wow, you’ll be parked out here for a while. Hope you have a tent or some shit in case it rains.” After the two had quieted down, Jake waved and walked off. “Later. I’m off to work.” He turned back to me. “I’ll be home around nine. I think she can handle things fine until then. Dad’s been sleeping a lot.”

  I nodded my understanding as he climbed in his truck and took off. After Jake’s truck pulled away onto the street, Bill stood up. “Guess I should grab you the rest of the supplies you’ll need.” He disappeared into the house a few seconds later and I settled into my chair even more. It was going to be a long couple of days.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Ellison

  Hunter had been camping outside my house for close to two weeks. On Thanksgiving Day, I’d watched as Bill and Lily brought him out dinner and sat with him while he ate it. I could have sworn he would at least go inside for the holiday, but no. He maintained his silent vigil in the driveaway day and night like he said he would. I was pissed off because I knew he was missing class, but he’d already told me he had no intention of going back.

  I hated to admit it, but Hunter coming down here had changed something in my brother. Whereas, he used to avoid the house, opting to crash at Finn’s place or some girl’s house, Jake was now coming home when he wasn’t working and it felt good to finally have some help with my dad - even if was just stuff like cleaning up and watching him so I could shower, it was still something.

  The nights were getting colder and on this particular night, the temperature dropped suddenly to 35 degrees. The wind was blowing something fierce against the windows and it howled as it tore through the canopies of the trees. I looked outside and noticed Hunter wrapped up in his jacket, sitting in the chair outside of the tent he’d set up his first night there. He looked miserable and I shook my head at his persistence.

  They’d found a medication that worked to control my dad’s anxiety and pain and he slept most of the time for the past week. When he did wake up, he was more like himself for the short period of time he remained conscious. Jake was watching an old Christmas movie on television and dad woke up. Sitting up, he looked around for me and I rushed over to him to hand him some water. He could barely drink because his swallow reflex was weakening, but he was able to get small sips down. After he taken what he needed of the water, I sat beside him as he watched the movie with Jake. After a while, he finally spoke.

  “Why don’t we have a Christmas tree, El?”

  It was an odd question and I turned to him with a confused look on my face. I didn’t have an answer for him beyond how odd it felt buying a tree when he was dying. “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to go get one, I guess.”

  He nodded and after a few more minutes he said, “El, I want you to go get Bill and Lily and see if they want to come over here and talk to me. I know I’ve been difficult, but I can’t exclude them from saying goodbye.”

  My eyes widened to realize what he was saying, but I got up to do as he’d asked. When I stepped out the front door, he added, “Baby girl, I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. You’ve done a good job taking care of me — don’t ever think you didn’t. I love you Ellison.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I love you, too.”

  Weakly nodding he added, “And get a tree will you? It’s the holidays. We should have a tree.” I could barely understand him because his voice was so frail.

  Closing the door behind me, I stepped down the stairs and walked in Hunter’s direction. He didn’t move at first and I couldn’t tell if it was because he was in shock or because he was frozen.

  “I need you to do me a favor.”

  That got his attention and he stood up immediately. That’s why my teeth went “tsk” when I saw that his lips were blue from how cold it was outside.

  “I need you to get me a Christmas tree.”

  His jaw dropped, but he seemed to bounce back from his shock pretty quick when he nodded and grabbed his keys. “It’s midnight, El, so I’m not sure what I can do, but I’ll try.” He surprised me when he got in the car and took off to get the tree without asking questions. I’d expected a little bit of drama after I’d gone so long without talking to him, but the minute I needed him, he did what I asked without being upset with me for it. I’ll admit: it impressed me.

  After Hunter left, I retrieved Bill and Lily and was surprised to see that daddy was still awake by the time we’d gotten back to the house. Bill’s face fell as soon as he saw Daddy and Lily did a poor job of attempting to hide her gasp. I couldn’t blame them though. My dad looked like he was over 100 years old and he’d looked nothing like that the last time they’d seen him.

  Jake and left the room to let Bill and Lily speak to dad and eventually Lily came back to the bedroom where we were to allow Bill some time alone with him. I could tell she’d been crying and I put my arm around her to comfort her as much as a could. After another hour had come by, I saw headlights pull up outside and I ran to the front to open the door. Hunter dragged the tree inside and I smiled to see it.

  Placing it on the ground, he looked up at my dad and nodded in his direction. The room grew quiet and I looked over to see how my dad would react to Hunter’s presence. It felt like an hour before my dad finally nodded back at Hunter and said, “Come here, boy.”

  Hunter approached him and my dad held out his hand. Hunter gently took it and they shook. Daddy looked up at Hunter after that and asked, “You remember what I said?”

  Hunter smiled. “Yes, sir.”

  Daddy nodded and lay back on his pillow. “Good.”

  What was that about?

  I shook off my question and all five of us got to work decorating the tree. Daddy was in and out as we did so. He seemed to enjoy finding us in the room when he woke up and, by the time the tree was done, he had a front and center view of it. He smiled and fell back to sleep. When he didn’t wake again after a long period of time, Bill and Lily excused themselves home and Jake went to bed. Hunter and I were left sitting on the floor near the tree.

  Reaching up to rub at the back of his neck, he yawned. “Guess I need to get to bed myself.” I looked over to him and smiled. He squeezed my shoulder before standing up and moved to grab his jacket.

  “Hunter?”

  “Yeah?” Turning back to me, he looked exhausted as he continued to pull the jacket over his body.

  It was too damn cold for him to sleep outside and I knew he’d get sick if he attempted it. “Why don’t you sleep in my room? I tend to fall asleep out here for dad. It’d be easier for me to ask for help from you if you were inside the house, you know?” I was lying, but if it got him to stay inside, it was worth the lie.

  He looked surprised to hear me suggest it. “Are you sure?”

  “Yep. It’s cold as shit outside and I don’t feel like walking out into that if I need something. So, just stay in my room until the weather warms up, okay? Then you can go back to your makeshift campsite.” Another lie — and I think he knew it, although he wasn’t calling me out on it.

  He smiled just before he stepped forward and kissed me softly on the cheek. The contact sent shivers down my spine, but I didn’t let it affect me more than that.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.

  We stood a little too close to each other for a very long time. The heat of his body rolled down the side of mine and I could hear every breath he took beside me. I started leaning into him, but I felt so fucking guilty that he was here. Initially, when he’d told me he wasn’t leaving, I’d been crushed. I felt like the one thing I was trying to protect from all of this had been exposed and I’d lost every fucking battle I fought. He was the one exception, but all that was ruined when he’d not returne
d to school.

  “Did you drop out? Is that why you’re still here?” I had to know. I hoped that he’d just taken an emergency leave of some sort.

  He looked distraught to hear me ask that question. “Yes. It’s not going to affect my GPA because the professors understood I had a serious problem, but I won’t be going to back to Harvard, El. I’ve already told you that I’m staying here.”

  My stomach hurt and I felt sick to hear him say it. I wasn’t sure how I was able to cry after all the crying I’d been doing over the past weeks, but somehow, my body found a way to produce tears and I could feel them slowly trailing down my cheeks.

  “You were the one thing, Hunter — the one thing that my dad’s illness didn’t destroy. The one thing that I was able to protect and the one victory I had over all of this. You ruined that for me by coming back.” My voice cracked as I spoke, but I wanted him to understand how I felt.

  He looked at me for a long time. His eyes searched my face and my body — and they briefly flicked to look at my father before locking back to mine. His voice was quiet but deep, the timbre carrying perfectly as he slowly responded. “Have you ever stopped to think about that for a second, El? You are bound and determined to have at least the one victory by protecting me — but to accomplish that task, you’re pushing me completely away in the process. So, while you may be winning one small thing, you’re losing something much bigger than you realized.”

  My breath caught and my heart constricted at what he was saying.

  “School will be there when I get back to it, wherever I end up going, it’ll be there. You need me now and I need to be here for you now. We need each other. I know you were lying out there when you said you didn’t love me. You’re a horrible liar.”

  I chuckled. He was right - I was a horrible liar.

  His finger came to tilt my chin up to face him. Whispering, he said, “I’m not going to kiss you in front of your father, but know that if we were anywhere else, that is exactly what I would be doing to you right now. So, I’m going to bed to keep myself from doing what I want to do at this moment. Please — I’m begging you - get some sleep as well.”