by David Smith
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Dave waited in the Transporter room with Chief Carstairs, Izzy Grosvenor and a detachment of Security personnel. On top of the transporter control console a large screen had been mounted and the team watched the live broadcast of the lead-up to the very first Tana Imperial command performance.
There were (relatively) loud shouts and a very formally attired Tana stood at the end of the grey carpet and announced ‘Make way for Emperor Ch’Zar, most wise and beneficent leader of the Tana people, ruler of all the worlds of the Tana Empire and Commander of the Forces of the Tana Military!’
They watched as the Tana Emperor arrived in his Imperial Grey shuttle. He disembarked to a great fanfare, very badly played, and some very polite applause.
The Tana Emperor was squat even by Tana standards, and seemed clumsy and gauche. He shuffled down the grey carpet waving at the crowds and paparazzi as he went, aiming for the neatly arrayed competitors waiting at the entrance to the theatre.
Dave watched the broadcast and waited impatiently, as the Tana narrator got on everyone’s nerves.
‘Well, isn’t this a splendid occasion? Emperor Ch’Zar looks very, very regal doesn’t he? And don’t the competitors look very nice too? All decked out in their lovely stage-costume thingys. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed so many nice grey fabrics. Oh look! The Emperor’s reached the end of the line now, and he’s saying hello to the first of the competitors. I’m not sure . . . yes . . . I think they’re just having a bit of a chat about the weather. How exciting!’
Dave fought to maintain concentration as wave after wave of banality washed over him. In typical Tana fashion, the competitors had been arranged in the order that they’d won their respective competitions, which placed Lyndsey at the far end of the queue immediately after the chef who’d won MasterCook with her brilliant reimagining of cheese and crackers.
The Tana camera crew tried to be discreet, but caught fragments of conversation about how nice someone’s costume was, or how awful the weather had been, or how wonderfully fluffy the grey carpet was . . .
Dave was suddenly brought back to earth when Carstairs mumbled ‘We’re up.’
Dave focused his attention back on the screen as the Chef instinctively wiped his sweaty hands in his apron and shook the Emperor’s hand enthusiastically.
This did not impress the Emperor. He eventually managed to disengage from the sweaty grip and none-to-discreetly wiped his own hand in his robes with a very clear look of distaste on his face.
He ambled along the line to Stiles.
Dave and the team held their breath as the Emperor went to offer his hand to Lyndsey, but then seemed to think better of it. Shaking hands was clearly not one of his favourite pass-times.
‘She’s got to be in contact with him!’ moaned Chief Carstairs.
His assistant calmly added ‘No lock at the moment sir.’
Dave watched with a growing sense of dread as the Emperor engaged Stiles in some astonishingly small talk about how spangly her costume was. ‘Come on, take her hand!!’ he urged.
The Chief checked some readings and shook his head. ‘She’s going to have to make a grab for him sir, I can’t get a lock on both of them through the Tana screens unless she’s physically in contact with him.’
At the sides of the screen Dave could see some Tana who were large by the standards of their race, and very obviously armed. Stiles would need to be very brave or very fool-hardy to make any attempt with the Emperors body-guards in such close attendance.
Please, please, please . . . thought Dave and just as he thought the opportunity had passed them by the Emperor made the mistake of trying to pet Skid on the head.
With a very audible squawk, the little penguin immediately grabbed the Emperor’s fingers and tried to swallow them whole. Chaos ensued as everyone leapt forward all at the same time to try and get Skid to release the Emperor’s hand Lyndsey took her chance, reaching up and grabbing the Emperor’s wrist whilst tightening her grip on Skid.
‘NOW CHIEF!’ yelled Dave.
Carstairs flipped a switch and began to move two slider controls on the console. On the screen the picture went fuzzy with a burst of static before the whole scene was illuminated by the glowing, swirling lights of the transporter.
The image of the Emperor and Lyndsey disappeared and the Transporter Room was filled with the same swirling patterns as Lyndsey Stiles appeared, still clutching the Emperor’s wrist and with Skid still determinedly hanging on to the offending fingers.
Dave didn’t wait for the process to wind down. He hit the communicator button for the Bridge. ‘Lyle, we’ve got them! Get us the hell out of here!’
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Dolplop plotted a course back to Cross-roads at high-warp, taking them back in time.
The away team were elated at having completed their part of the mission and as soon as they were back on board. Commander Mengele began the treatments to return them to their usual colour.
Dave knew that this was only the first phase of a complicated mission, and concentrated on next phase. He still struggled to get his head around the details of the timing, but he found it helped if he just ignored this and concentrated on his own time-frame.
In reality, time was going backwards and another version of themselves should hopefully en-route somewhere safe together with Higgs having successfully completed their mission. As far as Dave allowed himself to be concerned, Higgs was on her way back from Dau Ranhal, and Tiger would rendezvous with her at Cross-roads in five days time.
There, the hard work would really begin. At the moment, Izzy was trying to talk to the Tana Emperor, but as far as he could gather, he was clearly of the opinion that everything was the fault of the Sha T’Al.
There was nothing more they could do until that point.
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Chamberlain kept a watching eye on the long-range scanners. The fact that they weren’t being followed was good news, although she wasn’t sure why. It was possible that the Sha T’Al had simply lost track of the newly stealthy Higgs as soon as she’d got outside of the range of their gravitational sensors. But it was equally possible that Higgs and Tiger had pulled off what she thought was an impossible double mission.
They’d deliberately taken an oblique route back to Cross-roads so any pursuers wouldn’t immediately guess their destination, but as soon as they were confident they weren’t being followed they’d changed course and headed directly for the rendezvous point. Higgs was nominally the faster of the two ships, but Tiger had her warped warp drive.
It was bizarre that they could catch live subspace broadcasts of the exploits of Tiger’s crew in disguise in the Tana TV contests when according to Lieutenant-Commander O’Mara’s schedule, Tiger was already heading back towards them, travelling at more than four-thousand times the speed of light.
Lieutenant Delgado had taken on helm duties and announced ‘Approaching Cross-roads, sir. We’re twelve light-days out, approaching at warp nine, ETA twenty-two minutes, fifty seconds.’
Chamberlain checked the ship’s clock and nodded. Bang on schedule. ‘Thanks, Maria. Drop out of warp three light-minutes out, cruise in at half light speed, and establish orbit fifty thousand clicks out. ASBeau, passive scans all the way in. Ping active scanners if you thinks it’s safe to do so before orbital insertion. If there’s any sign of Sha T’Al activity, we bug out and go looking for Tiger.’
As the time approached, Delgado announced ‘Initiation point reached, dropping out of warp.’
On the view-screen there was a flare of light, and the streaming stars became fixed points in the firmament. Ahead of them lay the tiny orange-red star at the heart of the system and after a few seconds, Chamberlain managed to pick out one star, slightly brighter than the rest. They’d made it back to Cross-roads.
Higgs coasted in, and ASBeau and Braxton put every sensor on the ship on maximum sensitivity.
After a short silence, ASBeau said ‘N
o signs of Sha T’Al activity, Commander. Switching to one active scan in thirty seconds.’
ASBeau counted down, and Delgado prepared to put the ship back into warp, but the countdown came and went. Everybody on the Bridge breathed a sigh of relief as he announced. ‘Just three ships in orbit, Commander, Auckland, Santiago and Paul Revere. We’re all good.’
Braxton said ‘Someone’s hailing us Commander: It’s USS Tiger.’
He put the incoming call up on the main view-screen and Dave Hollins’ smiling image appeared. ‘Hey Devon, fancy meeting you here!’
Chamberlain struggled to suppress a smile of her own ‘You’re looking distinctly smug, Commander Hollins. Can I assume that your half of the mission went to plan?’
Hollins smiled even more. ‘Yes you may assume. I equally assume that your end of things went swimmingly too.’
‘Indeed it did, so I suggest we get my kidnap victim transported across so you can lock him in a broom-closet with your kidnap victim and let them thrash it out.’
‘Yes, no time like the present, although the way Tiger moves, that not necessarily true. I’d love to stick around and chat, but according to my Science Officer, we need to get going, as we have to get to Dau Ranhal three days ago in order to make sure you made a clean getaway? Send the First Minister across, along with some of my crew and we’ll get underway straight away.’
‘Consider it done, Commander. Good luck, we’ll see you on the other side.’
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Tiger pulled out of orbit and accelerated away.
For all his bravado, Dave knew that the hard work was yet to come. Higgs had kept First Minister Jarvec sedated for the journey to Cross-roads, but for the three day trip back to Dau Ranhal they needed him awake and fully aware.
They’d already cleared the guest suites on Deck 5, and put the Sha T’Al First Minister next to an empty suite they’d prepared as a conference room. The Tana Emperor was in the suite the other side of the conference room and Isobelle Grosvenor moved into the suite opposite. The corridor for the area was shut off and the Security team posted guards at at one entrance and locked all other access doors off.
Dave stood outside the door of the conference room with Izzy.
‘Are you sure you want to do this Izzy?’
She pulled herself up to her full height and managed to look tiny and alone. ‘Of course I do: it’s why I joined the Diplomatic Corps.’
Dave smiled at her. ‘I thought you joined for the wild parties, free booze and casual sex?’ he quipped.
She rolled her eyes. ‘Oh you’re not still dragging that up are you?? It was a one off! How was I to know they’d take exception to . . . um . . . ’
‘Izzy, I’m pretty certain that having sex with both Ambassadors . . . at the same party . . . isn’t a commonly recognised diplomatic strategy.’
She looked hurt. ‘It wasn’t like it was at the same time or anything!! There was at least an hour between . . . well . . . you know . . . ‘
Dave looked at her, and his heart went out to her. It was so much to put of the shoulders of a single person, but he needed to be certain. ‘Are you sure you can to do this?’
For the tiniest of instants she hesitated, but nodded her head, even though her body language was far from certain. She looked at him and stated defiantly. ‘Commander Hollins, I can assure you that my knickers will be staying exactly where they are and no-one will be getting casually shagged during the upcoming negotiations!’
He took her trembling hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘In that case, good luck Commander Grosvenor, I’ll be down to check on progress on a regular basis.’
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Two hours later, Dave couldn’t bear it any longer and had to drop back down to Deck 5. Passing by the security guards, he saw Izzy coming out of the conference room, looking a little shaken.
‘Hey Izzy. How’s it going?’ he asked quietly.
‘Um . . . could be better. Neither side has actually acknowledged the other yet, which makes it a bit slow going. They are talking to me now, although that’s not been particularly productive so far: I’m ignoring the threats of invasion from both parties and I’m assuming that our current lack of an extradition treaty would preclude the Sha T’Al from having the entire crew of Tiger burnt at the stake.’
‘Ah. Sounds like you still have some ground to cover. I’ll let you get on shall I?’
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Another three hours passed and Dave called the Security guards outside the conference room.
PO Sorenson was on duty and answered the call. ‘Sounds like Commander Grosvenor is making some headway, sir. It seems that the two of them are talking to each other now. After a fashion.’
With that there was a muffled crash and Dave heard a shrill voice shout ‘ART???? What you produce isn’t art!! It’s not even bad art! It . . . it . . . it’s . . . I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF A WORD!!!’
The other party responded equally vocally. ‘I CAN THINK OF WORDS!!! HOW ABOUT “ARROGANT”? OR “RUDE”? OR “BLOODY CONDESCENDING??”’
Dave closed the comm-link. Well at least Izzy was making progress of a sort.
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Dave went back down to Deck 5 and found the Security team looking slightly nervous. ‘How’s it going Sorenson?’
The PO had a reputation for being ice-cool, but both he and Crewman Running Deer looked flustered. As he looked at them more closely, he could see welts, marks and rising bruises on their faces and arms.
Sorenson smiled and tried to be positive, just as someone inside the conference room shouted ‘You leave my mother out of this!!!’
He ignored the outburst and continued calmly. ‘It’s going ok, sir. We’ve only had to go in and separate them three times this evening. So far. And to be fair, the last time we went in it was Commander Grosvenor who we had to restrain. She was getting a bit . . . tense.’
‘And she bites’ Running Deer added ruefully while rubbing her fore-arm.
Sorenson nodded sympathetically. ‘Things have quietened down a bit . . . ‘
He was interrupted by a shout from inside the suite. ‘YOU MAKE ONE MORE COMMENT LIKE THAT AND I’M GOING TO KNOCK YOU SPARK OUT!’
‘ . . . although we’re not out of the woods yet sir.’
Dave sighed. He’d done a mediating course as part of his Academy training and knew that in difficult situations it often helped to get any animosity out in the open from the start, but he was a bit surprised that the serene Sha T’Al and timid Tana could be quite so hostile.
Sorenson was still upbeat. ‘Commander Grosvenor has ordered some refreshments to see if she can get the two parties to calm down a little. She asked Chief Burns to see if him and his staff could prepare some traditional Sha T’Al and Tana dishes and also some of the Federations finest cuisine.’
‘She’s asked Chief Burns??’
‘Well in truth I think she had more faith in PO Park getting something usable from the replicator system . . . ‘
Dave shook his head. The phrase ‘recipe for disaster’ instantly sprang to mind.
‘ . . . but in any event, it can’t hurt to feed them. I suspect everyone is a little calmer on a full stomach.’
Dave left them to it and headed back to the Bridge, wondering how he could explain poisoning two heads of state at a Court Martial.
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Dave handed over command to his relief and headed back down to Deck 5. He knew that the commander of a ship was never truly off-duty and had already decided that he’d occupy Izzy’s suite as long as she was still mediating between Jarvec and Ch’Zar
As he reached the Conference suite he found that Chief Belle and Crewman Erika Sjolund had relieved Sorenson and Running Deer. The Chief had been undergoing treatment to reverse her ‘Tanification’ but was still a quite disconcerting shade of grey.
‘Evening Chief. Should you be on duty? Aren’t you supposed to be under the Doc at the moment?’
The Chief shifted uncomfortably. ‘All things considered, I’d rather be on duty, sir.’
Dave felt a sudden involuntary tightening of sphincter muscles and decided to let the matter rest. ‘How did Chief Burns’ special meals go down?’
‘They went down the waste disposal, sir. We’re pretty certain black and green are the wrong colours for meat dishes, and there’s no way I could have the Tana or the Sha T’Al thinking that haggis is a delicacy for normal humans.’
‘Oh great! So they didn’t get to eat??’
Belle shrugged ‘We did our best sir. The A&A team raided the databases they’d gathered for the missions and came up with some dishes that Lieutenant Taylor and PO Park managed to recreate through the replicators.’
‘Thank goodness for that. I’d hate to have to explain to Fleet why two heads of state needed medical attention to overcome malnutrition. Any news from the mediation?’
Belle looked uncomfortable. ‘Not gonna lie sir, we’re a bit uncertain.’
She put a finger to her lips to hush Dave and motioned for him to follow her. She tiptoed to the door of the Conference room and beckoned Dave over to press an ear to the door.
Somewhat perplexed, Dave leaned forward and did as the Chief did. From inside, he heard sobbing, and a wavering voice quailed ‘My father never really loved me!!’
The voice faded into more blubbering and Dave was sure he heard Izzy’s voice say ‘Shhh! It’s not your fault . . . ‘
Dave stood up, completely unsure what he’d just heard. At least they weren’t trying to kill each other now.
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Dave heard raised voices and headed out of Izzy’s suite. Opposite the suite, Chief Belle and Sjolund were both pressed up against the conference room door, sniggering.
Even from further away, Dave could hear three voices singing badly off key ‘Show me the waay to go hooommmme, I’m tired an’ I wanna go t’bed . . . ‘