by David Smith
A sudden realisation dawned on Dave and he hissed ‘Chief, what happened to the left-overs from dinner?’
The Chief didn’t seem to be able to tear herself away from the door and pointed over her shoulder ‘Back down the corridor sir. Catering staff have knocked off for the night, said they’d clear it up in the morning.’
Dave headed down the corridor and found a hostess trolley laden with covered silver platters. He lifted a lid off one to reveal a dish he didn’t recognise, but caught a waft of an oddly familiar smell. In a peculiar way, it reminded him of Commander Romanov . . .
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Dave couldn’t sleep. He tried everything he could think of, but sleep just wouldn’t come. At 3am he found himself out in the corridor again, where Chief Belle and Sjolund were still on duty.
‘Morning Chief. It’s very quiet. Have they given up for the night?’
‘No sir, they’re still in there.’
‘Really??’ Dave was shocked. ‘They must be absolutely exhausted!’
Dave thought he saw the Chief blush.
Belle cleared her throat and said ‘Commander Grosvenor seems to be . . . on top of the situation.’
Dave froze. ‘Oh no. She hasn’t!?!
The Chief shrugged. ‘Don’t panic, sir. From what I could see, neither First Minister Jarvec or Emperor Ch’Zar looked upset by the state of affairs.’
Dave gawped open-mouthed. ‘You’ve been in there?’
‘Yes sir. We were concerned when we heard a lot of moans and groans, so we decided to check it out. Commander Grosvenor was . . . busy. I’m no expert on diplomatic relations but it seemed the three of them were . . . getting along famously.’
‘Oh my god. It’s the Lapanis incident all over again!’ groaned Dave.
‘I don’t think so sir. It seems Commander Grosvenor has made it a personal mission to come between the two parties. Several times from what we’ve heard’ she shrugged.
Sjolund was another of Tiger’s clinically certified nymphomaniacs, and could barely contain herself. ‘Hell Yeah! She’s been coming between them like some crazed diplomatic weasel. For hours! Got stamina, those diplomats’ she mused reflectively.
Dave shook his head. It was too late to worry about it now. They just had to hope that Izzy knew what she was doing.
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Dave was woken by the sound of the door opening. Izzy walked in looking absolutely exhausted.
‘Good Morning Commander Grosvenor. How are your negotiations coming along?’
Izzy hadn’t expected to find anyone in her suite. She blushed livid red and pulled herself up straight. ‘I believe I have managed to reach a settlement that will avoid war.’
Dave couldn’t hide his surprise. ‘Really???’
‘You don’t have to sound so bloody shocked!’ growled Izzy irritably.
It was Dave’s turn to blush. ‘I’m sorry Izzy. I was just very, very surprised. They seemed so far apart to begin with?’
Izzy slumped a little. ‘I have to admit that it wasn’t entirely down to my expert negotiating skills. It seems that neither the Tana or Sha T’Al have much resistance to alcohol. For some reason every item of food that arrived was laced with vodka.’
Dave’s brow furrowed. That was a bizarre and very fortunate happening?
Izzy slumped into a chair as if her legs were too tired to support her. ‘Once they got a taste for it, they started necking neat vodka. I couldn’t stop the buggers! And the more they drank, the more they opened up.’
She rubbed her tired eyes, and Dave thought she was going to fall asleep. He gave her a verbal prod. ‘Well don’t hang it out! What happened?’
‘They have their reasons. As we suspected, Jarvec is in the early stages of the aspirin affliction. He knows it, but has been too proud to acknowledge it. Until getting out of his tree on vodka that is. As we’ve found elsewhere, alcohol seems to ease the symptoms significantly.’
She shrugged. ‘Without alcohol he couldn’t control it, and couldn’t control himself. He said stupid dangerous things and then couldn’t back out of it for the sake of pride. I don’t think he ever wanted a war, but he said stuff which the Sha T’Al population took as gospel without any questions, as is their nature. He just painted himself into a corner.’
‘And all this came out during your negotiations?’
‘It all came out during a liquid lunch. He necked a half a bottle of vodka and after that I literally couldn’t shut him up. It turns out he was always intimidated by better artists, felt his father loved his brother more than him and he wet the bed until he was in his twenties. It’s amazing what spills out when a person drinks too much.’
‘Strangely enough it was the angst about his father that really turned things around. Ch’Zar was straight in there as all he ever wanted was his father’s approval. They were both blubbing like babies as soon as all this came out and immediately went into full “us two drunken best mates against the whole universe” mode.’
Dave thought he had missed something. ‘So what has that got to do with the Tana broadcasting their TV shows?’
Izzy shrugged. ‘Nothing really, but once Ch’Zar opened up, all his fears and anxieties came flooding out. Selassie had already noted that the Tana are an incredibly small population, but they’ve got real problems because their numbers are actually crashing.’
That didn’t make sense to Dave. ‘What?? Why on earth are they expanding their space, if they don’t need too?’
‘Actually it’s working the other way around. It seems the typical Tana male would rather swan off and claim unnecessary planets than stay home and breed. Ch’Zar knew this and tried to persuade his father to take action, but the old Emperor couldn’t or wouldn’t see the facts in front of him. As soon as he acceded to the throne, Ch’Zar made it his number one priority to persuade Tana males to stay home and procreate. His first thought was to make home life more tolerable by having huge amounts of free entertainment.’
Dave was open mouthed. In human experience broadcasting strikes often resulted in sharp increase in birth-rates nine months down the line. ‘I guess that explains the weird demographic we observed on Tana TV. It’s all done by the females because the males are all out claiming any systems they can find.’
Izzy nodded. ‘That’s the problem in a nutshell: the Tana have split themselves into two halves along sexual lines and their population numbers are suffering as a result.’
Things started to make sense to Dave ‘So the Sha T’Al are driven by pride, and the Tana by desperation.’
Izzy nodded again. ‘Neither of which are insurmountable if you recognise that those are the issues.’
Izzy stretched and rolled her head to loosen her neck muscles. ‘In the end, we came to the conclusion that it would make sense for the Sha T’Al to provide the art and culture and the Tana to stick with what they have, which is hundreds of barely-touched solar systems with all the raw materials the Sha T’Al could ever want.’
Dave thought about it. ‘So the Sha T’Al have the chance to create and share their art, while the Tana have to put roots down and develop the colonies they have.’
Izzy nodded. ‘It’s a win-win situation: The Tana won’t need to broadcast, and the Sha T’Al gain a wider audience. With the Tana exporting minerals, the Sha T’Al can devote more of their time to creating works of art and less time to graft. With their existing colonies expanding, the Tana settle down and presumably start to breed like little grey rabbits. It’s a done deal. Both sides have even agreed to open full diplomatic relations with the Federation.’
The sense of relief was overwhelming. They’d done what seemed impossible, and Dave couldn’t resist a chance to tease Izzy.
Struggling to suppress a childish smirk, he added ‘And I hear you managed to seal the deal in your own inimitable style?’
Even in the low light, Dave could see Izzy blushing vividly.
‘Well . . . I think all parties went away satisfied’ she a
dmitted.
Dave raised an eyebrow. ‘Satisfied? I hear they were positively ecstatic!’
Izzy was squirming: she wasn’t certain if Dave knew what she’d done. ‘So . . . um, what . . . exactly . . . did you hear?’
‘That having been forced to come between the two parties early in the negotiations you were “coming between” them all night. The description the Security team used included phrases like “crazed weasel” and “Grosvenor sandwich” for some reason.’
Izzy looked mortified.
Dave cleared his throat. ‘I thought your knickers were staying where they were, Commander?’
Izzy mumbled ‘They did. I’d left them over the shower screen in my bathroom. They’re still there if you want to check.’
Almost too quiet for Dave to hear she added ‘If you even care.’
Dave wasn’t sure what she meant and didn’t let it put him off teasing her. ‘So you had this planned all along?’
‘GOOD LORD NO!! It’s just that when lunch turned up and the jug of water turned out to be neat vodka. . . . well, after the morning I’d had I really needed a drink.’
‘So do you always go commando during sensitive diplomatic negotiations??’
‘No!’ she shouted.
She wriggled uncomfortably again and after a pregnant pause had to admit ‘Well actually yes. But that’s just for superstitious reasons. Things generally seem to go better when I’m not wearing knickers. Daft, I know, but . . . in my defence I was wearing knickers during the Lapanis incident. And tights instead of stockings. Honest! I suppose looking back on it all now that was asking for trouble.’
She was clearly mortified to have been caught. ‘Look, it’s all turned out alright, hasn’t it? I know I’ve not covered myself in glory here, but surely in this case the end justifies the means? Maybe?’
‘I couldn’t argue with that Commander. You’ve ridden you’re luck . . . amongst other things . . . but if the Tana and Sha T’Al have stood down their fleets and are now talking to each other, I think we’d all take that as a result.’
Slowly, she asked ‘So nobody has to know the exact nature of the . . . negotiations?’
Dave smiled. ‘Of course not Commander! I doubt that First Minister Jarvec and Emperor Ch’Zar will be keen to advertise it, so it’s just between you, me and the hundred and fifty-odd people who’ve seen the security feed from the conference room.’
‘OH MY GOD!!’
‘I’m kidding . . . ‘ Dave grinned, enjoying the look of relief on her face before destroying it again as he added, ‘ . . . it was only the Security Team and they’re pretty discreet apart from Sjolund. Oh, and Benelli . . . he’s got a mouth like the Mississippi.‘
Izzy looked horrified, but Dave couldn’t keep a straight face. ‘Sorry! I couldn’t resist it. The security feed was turned off the whole time. Chief Belle and Sjolund saw you at it, but they’ve both given me their word they’ll keep quiet.
Izzy slumped back and despite herself couldn’t stop a little smile forming on her lips. ‘You are such a bastard, Hollins!’
Chapter 19
Tiger slipped unnoticed into orbit around Dau Ranhal, and from the Tactical Console, Lieutenant Dylan Janus said quietly ‘Reading a reaction drive going hot, but can’t identify a vessel . . . guess it must be Higgs leaving, sir.’
Dave nodded to himself. That was all to plan. ‘What are the Sha T’Al doing?’
Shearer looked up. ‘Gorra lawd achat gawin on, sir. Sha T’Al on the ground ar soundin proper ajitated, liek.’
Dave didn’t have a clue what she said, but Janus spoke before he could ask her to clarify.
‘The Sha T’Al cruiser is warming up engines, sir: she’s getting ready to pursue.’
Dave rubbed his chin. They were obviously aware that the First Minister was missing. He pressed a call button on the arm of the Captains chair. ‘Are we all set, Commander?’
Izzy’s voice came back. ‘First Minister Jarvec is beaming down to the arranged site now, sir.’
Dave heard the tingling noise of the transporter over the link, and the comm-link closed.
Shearer pressed some buttons and reported ‘Still lawdsa chatta gawn on, all encrypted liek. But seems a little . . . coolah?’
Janus agreed. ‘The cruisers still ready to go, but is holding position, sir. Looks like they’re not sure what’s happening . . . hold on . . . They’re standing down. Looks like the First Minister has landed safely.’
Dave smiled. ‘Job done. Crash, Taxi for one. Let’s get Ch’Zar home too.’
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The trip to deposit the Tana Emperor was long. In order to straighten out their personal time-line, Tiger had to arrive at the moment they left. That was still in their future, so they had to travel in real space in order to avoid going even further back in time.
At least the trip was uneventful, apart from one minor incident: Dolplop had programmed a course to allow Tiger to drop Ch’Zar back from exactly where he’d been abducted one-tenth of a second later.
As Tiger approached the insertion point, proximity alarms sounded and Crash had to make an emergency course adjustment to steer around an object they could only detect by its gravity. No-one had remembered that they might need to take evasive action around another version of themselves.
They gave themselves a wide birth heading back to Cross-roads, and with careful navigation by Dolplop, met USS Higgs just minutes after they’d left her.
With peace now established, the two ships and the three smaller courier vessels headed back to Todot Hahn to wait for Tre Hal and his team to arrive.
They travelled in normal space to allow all the ships to travel together, but as they reached Todot Hahn and Crash took Tiger into orbit, he was surprised to find yet another Starfleet vessel in low-orbit around the tiny world.
‘Commander, there’s a Federation starship in orbit around Todot Hahn! Just checking her ID . . . it’s USS Rickover.’
Dave recognised the name. ‘She’s an engineering vessel. What the hell is she doing this far out?’
‘Incumen cawl frum command, sir!’ announced Shearer.
Dave wasn’t sure what his Comms Officer had just said, but the image of Admiral Henry O’Connor appeared on the main view-screen.
That answered his question. Obviously Rickover had been despatched to repair the damaged sub-space relay network.
O’Connor looked relieved. ‘Well Hollins, I hear I’ve missed out on quite a lot of drama?’
Dave wasn’t sure how to answer. He didn’t know how much O’Connor knew about their misadventures, or how badly and often they’d broken fleet regulations.
O’Connor sensed his hesitancy. ‘I assume from your lack of reply there’s a long explanation needed?’
Dave still wasn’t sure how to answer, but O’Connor let him off the hook. ‘Don’t sweat it, Hollins, Elder Cha Dar of the Sha T’Al Council has already filled me in on what Tiger and Higgs have been up to.’
Dave was even less certain now. The last thing he wanted to do was incriminate Chamberlain and the crew of Higgs.
O’Connor must have sensed that too and carried on talking. ‘I hear you found an unorthodox solution. Again.’
‘It wasn’t what you’d call a textbook solution, sir’ Dave admitted.
‘Don’t sweat it Hollins, solutions in the real world rarely are, and in my book the end normally justifies the means.’
‘I’d agree sir, but I doubt Captain B’Stard will. She’s already relieved Captain LaCroix of duty. And me too if I’m honest.’
The Admiral raised an eyebrow. ‘She did? So where is the miserable old harridan? What was she doing while you were being “unorthodox”?’
Dave wasn’t sure if he blushed. ‘Commander Joynes was bringing her up to speed on . . . some . . . uh . . . social issues.’
O’Connor seemed to struggle to hide a smile. ‘So I hear. Or more specifically, see.’ was all he said. ‘Would you ask your Comms Officer to patch this link
through to her, wherever she is.’
Dave looked at Shearer, who shrugged and quietly asked Susan to locate the Captain.
The main view-screen divided itself into two halves and next to Admiral O’Connor, the image of Captain B’Stard appeared. She was breathless and while only visible from her shoulders upwards, appeared to be naked. In the background, the hulking, naked form of Israel Joynes ambled past.
Admiral O’Connor raised an eye-brow. ‘Have I caught you at a bad moment, Captain?’
She looked red-faced although it wasn’t clear if this was from embarrassment or physical exertion. The slow-blow drug was wearing off now, but she still sounded relatively listless. ‘No Admiral. I was . . . off duty . . . relaxing.’
O’Connor looked confused. ‘It’s two in the afternoon, ship’s time Captain?’
The Captain went even more red. ‘I, uh, had some leave to use up.’
O’Connor looked distinctly unimpressed. ‘Yeah, whatever. I thought I’d best catch up with you now comms have been restored. Commander Hollins has been filling me in on how things have been developing.’
It was B’Stards turn to look unimpressed. ‘Commander Hollins has been relieved of duty! He is not in a position to comment on the ship’s operations.’
O’Connor looked surprised and there was a pause as he checked some details off-screen. ‘That’s odd, Captain. According to Tiger’s command log, Commander Hollins was re-instated over three weeks ago?’
‘Why that’s ridiculous!’ she exclaimed.
O’Connor checked again. ‘Mmm, nope. Commander Hollins was reinstated by your Executive Officer, Commander Ruiz on Star Date 9156. I’m surprised you didn’t know that, Captain. Have you not spoken to your ExO during that time?’
B’Stard looked very uncomfortable and seemed to be grinding her teeth. ‘I . . . may have missed that.’
‘It’s likely you’ve missed quite a bit Captain. Commander Hollins tells me that Tiger has been actively pursuing a peaceful resolution to the local cold-war.’
‘But we’re en-route to Hole!’ exclaimed the Captain.