Pulse

by Amity Cross

  Violet rarely left the house. She got groceries delivered, she paid all the bills online and if she needed something she’d have it sent over or she’d call me. Except that I wasn’t in any position to leave the house either.

  My money afforded her a lot of things. Security, protection, a nice house to live in and everything she could ever possibly need. The only thing I couldn’t help her with were the demons that lived in her mind. It was my fault they were there, but I still couldn’t help her. Everything was always my fault. I was a motherfucking beast.

  “Violet!” I roared to the empty house.

  She was gone.

  Motherfucker. I hadn’t seen her all day. She could be anywhere. Opening the door to the garage, I saw her car was gone. I paced back and forth, whilst trying to call her on her mobile. It went to voicemail after a couple of rings, so I sent her a barrage of texts. If something happened to her, I couldn’t leave the house… Going downstairs, I peered out of the curtains at the front gate.

  I didn’t like being powerless. I needed to know if she was okay.

  The front door slammed and I heard footsteps on the tiled floor of the foyer. Stepping into the hallway, I saw Violet pulling off her denim jacket.

  “Where the fuck were you?” I snapped.

  “Hello to you too, asshole,” she said, stepping around me.

  “Violet,” I called out, following her into the kitchen. “Where were you?”

  “I’m surprised you even noticed,” she said, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

  “Of course I fucking noticed,” I said. “You’re always here…”

  “And weren’t you the one who told me I should try and get out more?” She pushed past me, going for the fridge. “I need to try and get out and do things on my own, Ash. It’s up to me to take the first steps. God knows I get reminded enough.”

  “Yeah, but don’t go out without telling me,” I replied sullenly. “I was out of my mind.”

  She snorted, obviously finding my anger the ultimate form of sarcasm.

  “What?”

  “Are you going to tell her?” she asked.

  We’d had this discussion over and over and she still pushed the fucking envelope. Curling my lip in displeasure, I turned on my heel and strode from the room. No, I wasn’t going to tell her.

  Disappearing into the ensuite bathroom attached to my bedroom, I slammed the door closed. Staring at my reflection for a moment, I took a few gulping breaths. They said anger wasn’t my problem or even controlling it. They said it was some kind of chemical imbalance. Fucking assholes.

  Violet wanted me to try, so I fucking tried. I picked up the packet of pills from the counter and popped two from the foil.

  I was stuck in this house with no outlet. I couldn’t fight; I couldn’t even stick my ugly fucking head out of the window. I had the gym downstairs, but even that wasn’t enough.

  So society’s answer was to dope me up so much that I couldn’t function. Assholes. It was better than the alternative. Hurting Violet or myself and living with the fact that I couldn’t see her…my Spitfire. Knowing she probably hated me was the thing that would break what was left of me.

  I downed the pills, scooping a mouthful of water from the tap into my hand. Wash it all down and let my fucked up life fade away into the fog.

  I wasn’t going to tell her, because nobody should see this. I was strong, I should be strong. If I let her see me like this, then it was over.

  This was pretty fucked up, but it was better than going back to prison.

  I stumbled into the bedroom and fell onto the mattress, waiting for the drugs to kick in.

  No. Nobody needed to see this.

  Chapter 7

  Ren

  Two days later and I was still reeling from Violet Fuller’s surprise visit.

  My focus was off, my thought pattern constantly betrayed my training and I could hardly hear what anyone was saying to me. I was on another planet.

  I always thought Ash and I were the same.

  I learned the hard way that we weren’t. I understood control and boundaries. Ash never did. After everything was said and done, did I really know him?

  I knew about his problems, I knew how angry he was and the things he was good at, but I don’t really know anything else.

  I doubted I’d ever met the real Ash Fuller.

  “Ren?”

  I was standing in the middle of the gym, staring at the elliptical machine when Josie startled me. My heart hammered in my chest and I clutched at it like I could still it through my own flesh.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, frowning at my reaction.

  “Yeah, I’m just…”

  “Distracted?”

  “Yeah, that.” I sighed. Ash had gone to prison protecting his sister from the same man who’d tried to attack me.

  “Does it have to do with that woman who came to see you the other day?”

  I shook my head, no. Yes, it had everything to do with her.

  “Well, now I know you’re lying to me.” Josie huffed, putting her hands on her hips like she was a displeased parent. “Lincoln told me who she was.”

  I hadn’t told him to keep his mouth shut, but I was still angry with him for blabbing. “Well, he should’ve kept it to himself.”

  “I don’t know who you are anymore Ren,” Josie exclaimed.

  “What are you fucking talking about?”

  “You’ve been through some heavy shit in your life, but you let this beat you down? A man?”

  I bit my bottom lip so hard it was a wonder I didn’t break the skin. He wasn’t just any man. He was the man. My man. And he left.

  “I’m sick and tired of seeing you do this to yourself,” she exclaimed.

  “What would you know?” I snapped and instantly regretted it when her face fell. “Shit, Josie. I’m sorry.”

  She sniffed and glanced away. “I mightn’t have any idea what happened that night you bashed on my door, but I can have a good guess.”

  Fuck. I was so caught up in my own depression that I was forgetting about the people that were still here. I was the bitch now.

  When I didn’t reply, Josie said, “What did she want?”

  “Who?” I asked, knowing exactly who she was talking about.

  “Violet Fuller?”

  I stiffened. It was such a long and fucked up story. How could I tell her after keeping it inside for so long?

  “Ren Miller!” she exclaimed. “For fuck’s sake!”

  I sank down onto the end of one of the treadmills, utterly exhausted. “I don’t know where to start…”

  “How about at the beginning?” she replied, sitting beside me.

  “The beginning…” I took a deep breath and wondered where the beginning was. Was it the moment Ash returned to Beat and I almost knocked him out with a cricket bat? Or was it the moment he caved and took me to The Underground? Maybe it was the moment where I decided to find my father.

  Taking a deep breath, I dived in. It was time to get it out and who else in the world was better at dishing out tough love than Josie?

  I told her about the guy that had tried it on with me at The Underground and how Ash had almost killed him in the cage, I told her about his rivalry with Hammer and how they were at each other’s throats and I told her about what happened that night when I was attacked at the studio. I shivered as I recounted the moment when Hammer touched me and the moment Ash beat him into unconsciousness.

  But most of all, I told her about the moment Ash had said he didn’t love me and that he couldn’t. I’d run and left him to kill Hammer. That hadn’t happened, but it could’ve. I ran when I should’ve stood my ground. I let fear overcome me and lost everything.

  “What the fuck?” Josie exclaimed. “If I had of known…”

  “What would’ve you done Josie? You couldn’t have done anything.”

  “I could’ve done something to help you find Ash and stop him. That would’ve been step one. The next step would’ve been t
o call the cops. Ren, I can’t believe…”

  “I kept it from you to keep you safe,” I exclaimed. “If things had gotten rough, then you could’ve been implicated.”

  “Ren… Shit.”

  “He didn’t do it, by the way,” I said, wrapping my arms around my stomach. “I saw one of The Underground fighters at the last qualifier. She said Hammer had come back.”

  Josie gave me a look. “That’s not the point.”

  “I know. He still had the intent. Violet doesn’t know what happened that night and Hammer hasn’t talked either.” I sighed deeply. The whole thing had become such a huge mess.

  “Where is Ash now? Why did his sister-”

  “He went to prison, Josie.” I shivered as her expression fell into one of shock. “That’s where he was for four years. He wasn’t in Thailand. He was in jail for beating Hammer into a coma. That’s why Violet was here. He attacked her to get to Ash, the exact same way they tried with me.”

  “But he succeeded with her…”

  “Yeah and Ash exploded and got thrown out of pro and put into the slammer.”

  “And Hammer came back for more?” she asked, shaking her head. “What a dumb fuck.”

  I covered my face with my hands like it’d make it all go away. If I couldn’t see them then I was invisible.

  “Where is Ash now Ren?”

  “He’s under house arrest and can’t leave. I gather he beat Hammer into a pulp again and got caught. She said he was…” I choked on my words. I was hurting too. Wasting away. Why did it have to be me that always picked up the pieces?

  “Said he was what?”

  I shrugged. “Wasting away. Depressed. I don’t want to believe her…”

  “I think you do,” Josie replied matter-of-factly.

  I shook my head. “No way.”

  “He was going to kill a man for you, Ren. Fucking hell.”

  I dropped my head into my hands. “He told me that he didn’t want me. That he couldn’t-”

  “Couldn’t what? Love you? Fuck that shit,” she declared, getting pissed. “I saw the way he looked at you when you took me to that Underground hellhole. That was motherfucking love Ren Miller.”

  “I didn’t even know he had a sister!” I cried. “I didn’t know he’d been to prison! I didn’t know shit about anything!”

  Josie knelt in front of me, grasped my shoulders and shook me hard, her eyes wild. “Listen to me,” she hissed. “If Violet was attacked like you say, don’t you think she might be afraid to come all this way on her own?”

  I glanced up at Josie, her words striking a chord of compassion deep inside me. Ash kept things from me in a futile attempt to protect me from the assholes that wanted to bring him down. I was strong, I knew that. My childhood had made me tough, it’d conditioned me to stand up and fight. I didn’t know Violet, but maybe Josie was right about her. She’d been quiet, almost skittish, when she came into Beat. Maybe it’d taken a lot for her to ask for my help.

  “Maybe…”

  “Don’t you think she came here out of fear for her brother? Ash, who sacrificed everything to save you from that rapist asshole Hammer? Because that’s what he did, Ren. He risked going back to prison for you. He’s just a deadshit man who had to hurt you with empty words to protect you from the fallout.”

  Despite my hard shell, a tear slipped out and trailed down my cheek. I knew now that I was falling in love with Ash Fuller, but I wasn’t sure that was enough to get us through, let alone give me the courage to go see him.

  Josie pulled me into her arms and rubbed her hand on my back, soothing me as I let a few more tears escape. Somewhere along the line, I’d forgotten to cry. I’d cried so much when Mum passed away, I thought I’d cried my entire life’s worth of tears and that the well was dry. Seemed I hadn’t met a certain beast yet.

  “Okay?” Josie asked pulling back.

  I nodded.

  “Are you going to go see him? I can come with you if you want.”

  I shook my head. “Ash and I…” I sighed. “We were both broken…are still broken…but we fit. Our brokenness matched.”

  “And you thought you could help each other?”

  “Yeah. I wanted to, but…” I shrugged.

  “He left you.” Josie finished the sentence that was too hard for me to even think, let alone speak.

  “Without an explanation.”

  “Until his sister showed up.”

  “Maybe I should be with you,” I said, trying to make a joke. “You finish all of my sentences.”

  “I’ve told you this before Ren. I like penis.”

  “It’s just…how much loss and abandonment can one person take before they lose hope?”

  Josie sat beside me again and wound an arm around my waist. “I don’t know where you came from Ren Miller, but you’re the strongest woman I know. And you know I don’t say shit like that without meaning it. I think if you don’t go see him now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  What would I even say? Hell, what would I find when I got there?

  Ash was the strongest man I ever knew. If he was as broken as Violet said, would that change my opinion of him? I wanted to see him as the same man who’d come into Beat and took me out there on those mats. He took me and made me his and I made him mine. What if I went there and there was no hope of making him mine again? What if it was too late?

  What if what he said to me that night was true? That he didn’t love me. That he couldn’t...

  God, what was I supposed to do?

  Chapter 8

  Ash

  I thought I was a god that nobody could touch. I was unbeatable.

  I was wrong.

  If I could hear her voice...if I could just hear it, I’d beg for her to tell me everything was okay. Then I’d be able to make my heart beat again. Then I’d be able to tell her I loved her. That I’d do anything…anything…to make things better.

  I let Hammer live, but I died instead.

  Chapter 9

  Ren

  I thought long and hard about what Josie said.

  I had been living in denial all this time. I hated Ash for leaving me, but he had his reasons and it was time to hear them from the man himself. Confrontation never sat well with me. Not the physical kind, I was good at that part, it was the emotional kind I had trouble with. Forgiveness was something I hadn’t come to terms with yet.

  Somewhere along the line, I’d forgiven my dad, but if I sat there and thought about the exact moment where things had changed¸ I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint it. Is that what Ash and I needed? Time? That was all well and good, but I had to confront him first and who knew how that would go down. Who would come apart first? Me, most likely.

  Last night I’d looked up the address on the piece of paper Violet had given me on the office computer. Like a cliché for the rich with dirty money won from underground fighting, it was a house in Toorak. It was the rich part of town, full of inner city mansions with high fences and double stories and yards that were referred to as ‘grounds’. It was yet another thing I didn’t know about Ash Fuller and another hole in my heart.

  I’d caught a train and a tram through the city, the whole time wondering if I was really doing the right thing. It might be the right thing by Ash, but was it right for me?

  I got off at the closest stop and walked through the streets of million dollar plus homes, my stomach churning. Did he know I was coming? Had Violet told him about her visit to Beat? Did he even want me there?

  When I finally stood outside the house, I couldn’t help my mouth from gaping even though I’d had an idea of what I was in for. It looked like a fucking mansion with its two stories, wide driveway and manicured garden. There was a security gate with a button and I came to a stop beside it, suddenly freezing. After everything Ash and I had been through I was afraid now?

  It’s just a button, press it.

  Deep down I knew if I stayed away there would be this tiny spark of hope that one day w
e’d find our way back to one another. But if I confronted him now…then that spark might sputter and die. Ash told me once that he wasn’t afraid of anything. Was he afraid of this? Because I sure as fuck was.

  Sucking it up, I slammed my finger on the button.

  “Hello?” came a female voice through the intercom.

  “Violet?” I asked, my voice sounding small and far away. “It’s Ren…”

  “Hang on,” she immediately came back with and then the gate buzzed as she unlocked it from inside the house.

  I shoved the gate open and let it slam closed behind me. The garden was lush and well looked after. A huge green lawn spread around the house and flowerbeds with little box hedges and cottage flowers adorned the house itself and the edges of the driveway and path that lead up to the front door.

  My gaze latched onto Violet, who’d come to greet me. She was standing half in and half out of the house, wearing a little floral dress and cardigan with bare feet. Sometimes people took a little sunshine way out of proportion.

  “Ren,” she called out, gesturing me up the path.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I made my way up to the house to meet her and get this over and done with. She stepped aside to let me in and as soon as the door closed behind me, I felt the walls closing in. I could still turn around and get out of here; I could still take it back… Curling my fingers into hard fists, I squashed down my fear.

  I glanced around the posh foyer, feeling totally out of place. It was half the size of the house Mum and I had rented and at least ten times that of my room back at Beat.

  “I wasn’t sure if you were coming,” Violet said with an apologetic smile.

  “Neither was I.”

  She shuffled nervously and asked, “Do you want a drink?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “He’s upstairs,” she said after a moment.

  “Does he know you came to see me?”

  Violet shook her head, looking sheepish. “He was pretty angry with me when I got back. I didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t leave the house often you see. Not after everything that happened…it frightens me a little.”