My name is Durex

by Umair Sheikh

  “What?”

  “I was thinking, in this world, some things, some people are doomed to be unmissable.”

  At that moment, Durex suddenly relieved.

  It turns out their were fated to met and destined to be together.

  Just like they say: Not a step too earlier, not a step too later, it just so happens they were among the thousands of people to encounter each other. If it’s yours, then in the end it’ll still be yours.

  Ahh final chapter is finally done, the novel may not be the best novel but I felt like it was the best medicine for laughter which everyone needs. I hope you have enjoyed this journey with me filled with plently of laughter. If the final chapter wasn’t satisfying enough, I can guarantee the epilogue will tie things nicely.

  Epilogue: Pang Pang is born!

  Nine months later, in A city’s maternity ward of a hospital.

  Durex stared at her purging stomach in a daze.

  She found herself pregnant, in a flash nine months passed quickly, now in retrospect it all felt like a dream.

  Nine months ago, Light Muller went to J city to bring back his wife who escaped back to her parental home. When the two returned to A city, she received Linda’s phone call, asking her rush to the hospital to accompany her.

  It turns out that Linda found her period has been more than a week late. She wanted to ask Durex to accompany her to the hospital check whether she’s pregnant.

  The two arrived at the hospital. Linda went to get a number (basically taking a number to see the doctor) and paid the examination fee, then before the examination she made a trip to the bathroom. When she came out, her complexion was gloomy as she murmured: “KAO! What kind of relatives do I have?! Waited until I paid the examination fee, then she decides to visit me!” It turns out she discovered that her aunty came to visit.

  In order not to waste the money Linda paid, she to urged Durex to take it instead.

  “Si Si, how long has it been since your last period?”

  Durex thought for a moment and replied: “It has yet to come this month.”

  Then Queen Virgoclapped her hands: “Then it’s you, you should go check instead!”

  So like this, a once free of charge ultrasound test was conducted on Durex’s belly, thus detecting a tiny life that would torture her and take form in nine months. Staring at the ultrasound results, Durex was slightly ignorant.

  What…… How come she’s pregnant?

  When the President knew of Durex’s pregnancy, he was oversea’s signing a very important contract with a client. After receiving his wife’s call, the always calm and collect man almost jumped up, directly leaving his client and he hopped on the next flight to A city.

  Of course, the contract in the end was negotiated and finalized because the opposition upon seeing Light Chun suddenly throw away the contract wanting to leave after he receiving the news of his wife’s pregnancy. He didn’t speak a word further and hurriedly signed the contract. After signing the contract, he called Light Muller to congratulate him, also excitedly suggest to sign an agreement for their two unborn child…… if both males they will become brothers, if both females they will become sisters, if one of each then betrothed!

  This episode was also created another melodrama love story, of course, this is another story to discuss later on.

  Rushing through the night to reach home, the President incarnated into a filial piety husband, he announced his plans to temporarily put down all the affairs of the company, and concentrated on accompanying his wife at home during her pregnancy.

  The President’s decision make Durex feel flattered, but she also felt pressured. She tried desperately to persuade him to return to work, to make more milk money for their child. However she didn’t expect the President to say he has just signed the contract that’s enough to cover their child’s milk money, diaper money, nanny fee, kindergarten to college tuition, purchase a house, purchase a car, marry a wife, even their pension is covered and done. They even had enough money to regenerate a football team.

  So, Durex was speechless, to give birth to a football team in China, she might as well not!

  Then the things that happened after followed more logically, Durex transformed from a married young woman to a target person who was under focal point of protection. Light Muller’s grandmother, paternal grandma, Light Anna, her parents, second uncle, second aunt, fourth aunt, fifth aunt…… those she knew, those she didn’t know were all keeping a close eye on her. Every day at home like a Panda in an enclosure, crowds of onlookers came to see her the “giant panda”.

  After a few months, her belly gradually grew bigger, the President didn’t allow as many visitors to disturb her. She began to have more time to eat Aunty Wu’s black bone chicken soup, ginseng soup and tortoise soup…… She ate like this for several months, her entire body inflated and swollen an entire circle.

  The President pinched her chubby face, feeling very satisfied: “Not bad, this pig looks good.”

  Durex: >_____<

  After raising this little piggy for more than eight months, it was finally the time for them to send Durex to the hospital to be slaughtered. Wrong, to give birth!

  It was a lot more boring waiting for labor then staying at home, every day besides seeing the President, mom, Aunty Wu and occasionally Light Anna. She basically only saw white lab coat of doctors and nurses.

  She twirled her thumb in boredom, so she laying in bed all day she could only think of what name to give to their child.

  Years of experience told Durex that it was extremely important to give a child a good name! Don’t be like her, taking such a bad name which made all those who heard it laugh.

  But then again, if it wasn’t for her unfortunate name, her former boyfriend wouldn’t have abandoned her, the newspaper company wouldn’t have made her redundant, then she couldn’t have possibly met the President, thinking to this point her heart suddenly felt warmth.

  At this time, the ward door suddenly opened, her filial piety husband have come to see his wife and child.

  Just when Durex wanted to use a flattering voice to call out ‘hubby’, a little devil jumped out from behind Light Muller and frightened her. It was Princess Hao ah! Princess Hao, why must your deceased soul has not yet dispersed?

  Seeing Durex’s displeased expression, Light Muller explained: “Princess came to apologize to you.”

  Apologize? Durex felt a slightly ignorant.

  At that moment, the little monster towards toward Durex’s window side while holding onto her soft toy rabbit: “(Cousin) Sister-in-law, I was wrong last time for creating trouble and causing you and cousin to quarrel, please forgive me!!” Turns out this little kid thought she was caused of Durex returning to her parental home, she has felt guilt til this day.

  A little devil will always be a little devil, so silly and naive. Durex smiled: “That’s okay, (cousin) sister-in-law doesn’t blame you.”

  “Really?” The little brat’s eyes were shining brightly.

  “Really,” Durex nodded. “Can’t you see your cousin and I have made up?”

  “Oh yeah!” The little brat suddenly transformed, her vitality has been relived, looking more like the little devil she knew.

  After a while, the President left to do something, the little devil stayed in the ward to accompany Durex and chatted. Once she started speaking, the little devil’s expression changed, her voice turned into a whisper: “(Cousin) Sister-in-law, do you still remember the promise you made before?”

  “What promise?” Durex apparently have forgotten.

  “You said…… if you don’t divorce my cousin, then the child you give birth will have no ass!”

  As soon she finished this sentence, Aunty Wu opened the door and said, “Princess, your mother called you home for dinner!”

  “Coming!” The little devil shouted, holding her soft toy rabbit hopping off the chair to leave, before leaving she also turned around and gave
Durex a wink: “(Cousin) Sister-in-law, you don’t forget oh!”

  Durex has already been so petrified that she turned into a rock.

  The child she gives birth to will have no ass? Heaven! Earth! How could she be so stupid to make such oath ah?!

  After a few days, this sentence was like a spell torturing Durex’s body and mind.

  She has been pregnant for more than nine months, according to the doctor her expected due date should have been a week ago. They didn’t expect her stomach to no movement, when they asked the doctor, the doctor also said it was a normal phenomenon.

  How could it be normal?

  Could be because her child has no ass so it didn’t dare to come and see the world?

  Thinking to this point, Durex was restless even during her sleep.

  Her anxiety couldn’t escape the eyes of others, however they only thought she was anxious about the labour.

  Aunty Wu comforted her: “Young Madame, it’s normal to be nervous since it’s your first child, after more than a few times it won’t be a problem.”

  This gave Durex a sad reminder, giving birth to one child with no ass is bad enough, she wants her to give birth to a bunch of children with no ass? Aunty Wu, I hate you!

  Later, Light Grandmother also came to see her.

  “Precious granddaughter-in-law ah, once you give birth to a plump little grandson, grandma will ordered a diamond of the longevity lock necklace to ensure our family’s kid plump!”

  Durex almost ran out of tears: Grandma, you might as well give your little grandson a diamond underwear, since he will have no asshole, you must give a little compensation! TAT

  And then, the President came.

  “D, have you thought of a good name for our sob?”

  “In fact, a daughter is also good……” Durex said weakly.

  Light Muller raised his eyebrows: “Do you like daughters instead?”

  “No…… no that’s not it, it just that I was thinking what if I give birth to a daughter instead……”

  “Daughters are also good,” Light Muller nodded, “I’m just afraid she’ll be clumsy like you.”

  Clumsy? That’s better than having no ass! Durex ran out of tears once again.

  That night, due to Durex’s depressing mood, she resolutely decided to turn her grief to eating, she ate a large pot of chicken soup Aunty Wu made, the results? She was stuffed and suffered from a stomach-ache.

  “I want to go to the toilet!” She shouted.

  After a while, a nurse hurried over, upon seeing her condition, she walked away.

  “Hey you, don’t leave! I want to go to the toilet!”

  In the mist of Durex’s shouts, the nurse called the doctor.

  Durex miserably looked at the doctor. “Doctor, my stomach hurts. I want to go to the bathroom!”

  The doctor gave her a look: “What go to the toilet, we need to go to the labor room?!”

  That’s right, she didn’t eat too much, her labor has arrived.

  The doctor called Light Muller, the dignified President actually wore slippers and rushed to the hospital. When he arrived at the hospital, Durex was already sent to the delivery table.

  “Hubby!” Durex grabbed onto Light Muller’s hands, her arms were trembling.

  Light Muller tightly held onto her hands, for the first time in his life, his hand unexpectedly developed fine sweat.

  “Don’t be afraid, I am here.”

  This simple comfort coming out of his mouth, were unexpectedly filled with a sense of security. Durex finally relaxed her nervousness, she listened to the doctor’s commands of “Inhale…… exhale……! Good good good…… now use force! Come on……!”

  She was in so much pain that she almost fainted, her entire body felt like it was tearing apart.

  Suddenly a”wa” cry was heard from the operation room.

  “Born! Born!” The doctor and nurse cried excitedly.

  When Durex recovered from the pain, her body collapsed from exhaustion, relying on the last bit of strength she had left, with great difficulty she asked: “Doc……tor.…… is it a boy…… or a girl?”

  “It’s a big fat boy!”

  After a moment of silence, a slaughtering pig cry came from the operating room: “Doctor, quickly check if my son has an ass ah!”

  Side Story 1 – Days of Cohabitation with the President

  As her marriage to the President was really too dramatic, Durex decided to post their love story online, broadcasting it the entire world.

  The online title of the novel was called “Days of Cohabitation with the President.”

  When the title released, Durex who had previous reporter experience wrote up the foundation of their story, it receive a massive of unknown responses online.

  Some of the replies were as such:

  An online user by the name of “I am afraid I am myself.” replied: —— [love] [love] [love] The President is really too handsome! Too stylish! Too perfect! Today I’m going to quit my job, then carry cardboard boxes on the street to hook myself a golden turtle!

  An online user by the name of “Very caring very laid back.” replied: ——LZ[1], no images equals no truth ah! Just send a nude photo of the President and let us verify it ah! Not taking no for an answer!

  [1] LZ: The person who made the first/original post or started a BBS topic. Often written as “LZ.”

  An online user by the name of “Conspiracy theory” replied: —— this is too fake! Didn’t LZ dream of this last night ah?

  An online user by the name of “Professional building flipper” replied: —— I’m flipping, I’m flipping!

  An online user by the name of “Professional seductress” replied: —— In fact, I have been always been the President’s hidden lover. In the past, I never thought of parting from you, but yesterday I went to hospital for examination, and found myself three months pregnant.

  An online user by the name “Corruption is more healthy” replied: —— look in my opinion, Jason is a loyal dog. In fact, in his heart he has been silently crushing over the President, however for the sake of the beautiful couple, he ask the landlord to let go of the President, let’s cheer on him!

  ……

  Looking at the hideous replies, Durex felt lost and completely embarrassed

  Every single one of those replied were mentioning the President, they were all oppression women expressing their long-term grief. Why isn’t there any replies stating their pity for her??

  This world is so crazy!

  Finally, another reply came through by the online name of “I am human flesh, therefore I am in there” which made Durex wanting to put up a wall and bring out her sticks.

  The reply was like this—— listening to LZ description, I have a feeling that the male lead might be my boss, otherwise why don’t everyone come and check their details ah!

  Durex quickly typed a reply: “My mom called me home for dinner.” and then she quickly turned off the computer.

  Shutting off the computer, she felt aggrieved. It’s enough that the President puts on an air around her, but why is that even online no one pities her, what the hell is going on ah!

  Since Durex was angry, she decided to call someone to go out shopping using the President’s credit card of course! By exploiting a capitalist this will resolve her resentments.

  When she arrived at the mall, Linda was already waiting, frowned at Durex and asked: “We’re go out shopping, why are bringing a bottle of oil?”

  Within Durex’s arms was Little President, aggrievedly replied: “If I don’t bring Pang Pang out, he will cry……” Pang Pang is Little President’s nicknames.

  “Let him cry ah! Crying once or twice wouldn’t create chrysanthemum (Chinese slang which means ass/butt)!”

  Er……

  Durex eyed Linda with hidden bitterness: Your son is chrysanthemum, your son from head to toe is like a chrysanthemum!

  —_—|| />
  Since Durex had to carry Pang Pang, her shopping speed was obviously a lot slower, if she wasn’t coaxing the child then she’s entering toy stores, finally Linda enraged: “TMD[2] in the end are you accompanying your child or you’re accompany me ah?”

  [2] TMD = Damn, damn it, dammit, fuck, fucking.

  “Of course I’m accompanying……” Just when she was about to continue, she saw Linda’s complexion darken so she quickly changed the subject. “Of course I’m accompanying you, this beautiful woman! Hahahahahaha……”

  As Durex was guilty smirking, Linda knew that this woman can not be saved.

  Sure enough, the next store they went into were all toy store, in addition to the toy store, they also went into the maternal and child supplies store. All in all: She’s using the President’s credit card to raise the President’s baby, no ambitions at all!

  This day the results of shopping was quite rich. When they returned, Durex was surprised to find that she have brought so many things, so she utilize her demeanor of a young mistress of the house and made a call to driver Lao Fang.

  Soon, a car arrived, but the one driving wasn’t Lao Fang, it was Light Muller.

  President? Durex was surprised and asked, “Aren’t you on a business trip?”

  Light Muller nodded: “I just returned.”

  Durex was somewhat surprised, originally he informed her that this business trip was five days, it’s only been three days how come he has returned? It couldn’t be the business encounter some difficulties, right? So she tried to find out: “How…… come you returned so early?”

  “I came back to just check.”

  Durex was embarrassed: President, if you come back just to check, then wouldn’t you have to return to the business trip tomorrow? How come you be so wasteful with the airfares ah!

  T_T

  As expected, when they arrived home and entered their bedroom, the President’s luggage wasn’t even present.

  Durex’s heart ache thinking of the airfare money, on a moment of impulse she turn on the computer preparing to expose to the world of the President’s crimes.

  Not seeing half a day, this post generated a dozen of responses, a large number of users said: “LZ, us sister I is telling you go home and eat dinner ah!”