by Jade Winters
‘Yep. I’ve got a list of all the things I need from John Lewis,’ Carissa said with an odd sense of confidence she didn’t know she possessed. ‘I found most of it online last night.’
‘Good. If I’m honest, I hate shopping with a vengeance,’ Teal said, grinning sheepishly.
‘You two off somewhere?’ Nicole’s voice came from behind.
With their backs to her, Carissa and Teal exchanged a look of despair before Teal answered her.
‘We’re going to Swindon to order some furniture. We’ll be back this afternoon, hopefully before two.’
‘Don’t you worry your pretty little heads,’ Nicole said, her gaze fixed unapologetically on Carissa’s cleavage. ‘I’ll hold down the fort here.’
‘Shall we go then?’ Teal said to Carissa as she headed out of the front door and down the path towards her car. Carissa gave Nicole a little wave and quickly followed. Once inside the car, Teal drove away, her eyes firmly set on the road in front of her.
‘Is it my imagination or is Nicole getting creepier?’ Carissa said, buckling her seat belt.
‘God knows. I spoke to my friend about her last night and she seems to think Nicole’s just a bit clueless when it comes to respecting people’s space.’
‘Okay, as long as that’s all it is.’
Teal switched the radio on and let the music fill the silence.
Carissa’s feet tapped along to the beat of the music. Not because she was into it but because she was on edge. No, that wasn’t true, it wasn’t exactly on edge. It was more like the discomfort you feel when, after a drunken night out, you wake up and remember all the things you shouldn’t have said. That’s what was happening to her right now. More than anything, Carissa wanted to clear the air after the rant about her personal life the night before. She had been unprofessional and needed to acknowledge it.
Carissa could have stopped herself. It wasn’t as if she was legless and totally out of control. All she had been was majorly pissed off with her mum and Lara. Hindsight was great after the fact.
There was no better time to broach the issue than while Teal was concentrating on her driving.
Carissa crept around the subject like a cat, cautious but determined. ‘Teal.’
Teal kept her eyes straight ahead but tilted her head a little to show she was listening. ‘Uh huh?’
‘About last night. I’m really sorry.’
This time Teal took her eyes off the road for a brief second and looked at her in confusion. ‘Why are you sorry?’
Carissa’s stomach clenched. ‘Because … you know.’
‘No, I don’t.’
I wish I could rewind the last twenty-four hours and erase everything I said. Carissa’s gaze dropped to her hands. ‘Well … talking about my personal life was unbelievably unprofessional.’
‘You were upset.’
Carissa felt an incredible sense of relief, but her voice still wobbled when she said, ‘I … yes, I was.’
‘And there’s no harm in saying so,’ Teal said. ‘I envy you for that.’
Carissa laughed. ‘You envy the fact that I’m rubbish at controlling my feelings?’
‘No, I envy the fact that you’re honest about how you feel and you don’t hide it,’ Teal clarified.
Carissa settled deeper in her seat. ‘It sounds so much better when you say it like that.’
The drive through the Cotswold countryside was peaceful and more than idyllic. The landscape was painted in an array of autumn colours, set against the backdrop of the Cotswolds’ famous hills. Carissa took out her mobile phone and snapped a few pictures as they drove by.
‘I take it you’re feeling better today?’
The corner of Carissa’s mouth tilted upwards in a smile. ‘Loads. It really helped talking to you.’
‘It’s good to talk.’
‘You think?’ she asked, not sure if Teal was being entirely honest with herself by saying that. It wasn’t as if Teal had also put herself out there and been open with Carissa. But maybe that was only because Carissa hadn’t given Teal a chance to get a word in edgeways. If that was the case, Carissa was more than willing to let Teal take the lead in any future conversations.
‘I do. I think it cleanses the soul.’
Encouraged, Carissa thought this was the only chance she would get to see into Teal’s inner world. ‘That’s good to know because ….’
‘Go on.’
‘I just wanted you to know that I’m here if you need to talk about ….’ She paused for a moment. ‘Relationships.’
‘Thanks, but there’s not much to say.’
‘There’s always something to say about relationships,’ Carissa pressed. ‘For instance, what was the last person you were with like?’
Teal twisted her lips as she toyed with her glass. After a few moments she looked up, a hint of annoyance in her eyes.
‘It wasn’t a relationship as such, but she was intense,’ Teal replied after some thought. ‘I’m sure some people like that sort of thing, but ….’
‘Not you.’ Carissa couldn’t help but wonder if Teal gave the mystery woman the same spiel Lara had fed her about the need to find herself. She hoped that Teal wasn’t that much of a coward.
‘Something like that.’
‘Why did you get involved with her then?’
This was met with a mixture of laughter and amusement from Teal.
Carissa held her hands up in mid-air. ‘I know, I know, I’m the last person who should ask such a stupid question.’
Teal paused for a moment as though she were weighing her next words carefully. ‘Let’s just say she was my flatmate at the time and I was vulnerable. It should never have happened. It wasn’t fair ….’
Carissa took her comment to mean she had mistakenly been drunk, shagged her flatmate and woke up the next morning and thought, ‘Fuck, what have I done’. Though Carissa didn’t have personal experience of such encounters, she had met plenty of people who had. She gave a soft snort. ‘Must have been awkward still living together afterwards?’
‘It was.’ Teal looked deep in thought. ‘More than you can imagine.’
Carissa liked that Teal now seemed to be opening up. Maybe the connection she thought they shared wasn’t only in her head, it was real.
‘It really affected my life badly, and my art.’
‘Art? I thought you were a freelancer.’
‘I am.’ Teal hesitated. ‘I was an artist … once.’
‘Really?’ Carissa asked in shock.
Teal smiled. ‘Does that surprise you?’
‘A little,’ Carissa said. Wow an artist. Carissa knew there was something deep and meaningful about Teal. She just gave off that air that creative types did, like they had one foot in this world and the other in some kind of mystical place non-arty people like Carissa couldn’t access. ‘I just didn’t expect that. Were … are you a professional?’
‘By that I take it you mean do I get paid for my work. Yes, I do, or rather I did. My work has been displayed in temporary exhibitions,’ Teal replied. ‘But art in Devon doesn’t get the same traction it does in London.’
‘So you’ve not exhibited your work in London?’
‘I received an offer a few months ago,’ Teal said quietly. ‘But I turned it down.’
Carissa was dumbfounded. An artist turning down a gig in one of the most influential capital cities in the world was unheard of. ‘Why would you do that?’
‘Because they wanted me to display a specific collection of art from my portfolio.’
Teal replied in a manner that told Carissa that it was a subject she didn’t want to talk about but Carissa couldn’t let go. She was intrigued. Wasn’t that what was supposed to happen. The artist produced work then the gallery sold it at the best possible price. Or had she got that completely wrong. Instead, artists produced work and basically kept it to themselves?
‘And I take it you didn’t want to do that?’ Carissa pressed on.
‘No. Not in
the end.’
Carissa surmised from the finality of her tone that Teal wasn’t going to explain her decision. She was beginning to instinctively know when she needed to let certain topics drop. Though their conversation had come to a natural end, Carissa’s gaze never left Teal’s profile.
Teal was obviously very talented if she was getting paid for her work, and yet, there was something about her that seemed almost … broken. Carissa wondered if her one night stand had meant more to her than she was letting on.
In what seemed like a relatively short time, they arrived in Swindon. The atmosphere in the town was lively and energetic but it lacked Bibury’s village charm. Teal managed to find a space in the overcrowded car park and they set off towards the retail stores conveniently situated next door to each other. With her eagle eye, Carissa nabbed all of the furnishings she thought would go nicely together. Her energy levels at an all-time high, Carissa nearly wore the poor shop assistants out with her many questions and the requests to see colour swatches of everything. Now and again she would catch Teal smiling at her from a distance, which she assumed was her way of saying she was happy with Carissa’s choices.
Three hours later, mentally and physically exhausted from non-stop walking and talking, Teal and Carissa stopped for lunch at a small cafe.
They sat outside, with a tray of two pots of tea and freshly made scones filled with clotted cream.
‘I know it’s fattening.’ Teal set a scone on a plate and pushed it towards Carissa. ‘But I couldn’t help it. I love clotted cream and I haven’t had it in ages.’
Teal took a big bite out of her scone. Cream spilt from all sides but Teal barely seemed to notice. Her eyes were closed in delirious enjoyment and she chewed slowly, as if she wanted to savour every bite.
‘This is amazing!’ Teal said. ‘I could eat scones every day for the rest of my life.’
Carissa thought back to all the food she’d shared with Lara, but not enjoyed due to Lara being such a fussy eater. She refused to eat anything unhealthy because she was constantly watching her weight. Whenever they had Italian, Lara wouldn’t order spaghetti because she was conscious of sucking up the worm-like pasta and looking like a fool. Anything with garlic or onion was also a no-no because she didn’t want her breath to smell.
‘Well?’ Teal said, blinking at her.
‘Sorry … what?’ Carissa said breaking out of her thoughts.
‘Aren’t you going to try your scone?’
‘Of course. You don’t think I’m going to leave them all to you, do you?’ Carissa teased as she pulled the plate closer and took a bite.
‘Well?’ Teal asked immediately. ‘How good is that?’
‘It’s good,’ Carissa said closing her eyes slowly.
Teal gave her a quick wink as she took another bite and said between mouthfuls, ‘I hate to admit it but shopping was fun not to mention interesting.’
‘See I told you it would be.’
‘In fact, I haven’t had this much fun in ages.’ Teal paused. Instead of speaking again, she licked the cream around the scone’s edge.
Oh my God, I wish she wouldn’t do that with her tongue.
‘So, are you a hundred percent sure you like all the things we bought today?’ Carissa said, swiftly taking her mind off the sensual image only feet away from her.
‘Absolutely. You definitely have an eye for what goes together. I wouldn’t have had a clue. Grey and red for the kitchen would never have entered my mind.’
‘I have to admit that I’m biased here. They’re two of my favourite colours.’
Teal picked up her coke and raised it in the air for a toast. Carissa clinked Teal’s glass with her own.
‘And now they’re my favourite colours too. I think I missed my calling,’ Teal said jokingly.
‘As a designer? Nah. I think you would have made a great counsellor though.’
Teal almost spluttered out her coke. ‘Me? A counsellor? Jesus. That’s the last thing I’d be any good at.’
Carissa put down her glass. Their eyes connected and a flood of butterflies summersaulted in her belly. ‘I’m still trying to figure you out.’
Teal raised her eyebrows.
‘Oh crap!’ Carissa said, clasping her hand to her mouth when she realised what she had said. ‘I just said that out loud didn’t I?’
Teal burst into laughter. It softened her face and made her look less sad. ‘Yes, you did.’
‘I think I’m going to die from embarrassment.’
‘I hope not,’ Teal said seriously. ‘I quite like having you around.’
‘So do I. You know, like being around you.’
‘I know exactly what you mean.’
Carissa tried not to read too much into Teal’s comment but that didn’t stop her heart from dancing, despite the warning signals going off in her head.
For the rest of the afternoon, Carissa couldn’t keep the smile off her face. Not that she wanted to.
***
The drive back to Bibury was coated in silence and all Carissa could think about was Teal’s eyes. It wasn’t simply their colour; it was what was lurking beneath. It was the part of her that Carissa knew Teal kept hidden from the world, and me. The fragment of Teal’s life that she was afraid to expose. But for what reason? Carissa wanted to reach her and in order to do that, she would have to expose herself first.
‘I wanted to have a party for my tenth birthday,’ Carissa said quietly, as though she were speaking to no one in particular.
Teal didn’t say a word. Instead, she reached over to the radio and switched it off.
‘I’d never really had a party before,’ Carissa continued. ‘Like I told you, our apartment was tiny and it wasn’t in the greatest of neighbourhoods. Mum always discouraged me to invite friends over. I think she was too ashamed to let people see how we lived. But this time, she wasn’t living with us so I begged my dad to let me have a party.’
Teal brought the car to a standstill at the traffic lights and turned to look at her, but Carissa barely noticed the expression her face wore, she was too caught up in the past. ‘I was so excited, you have no idea. I planned everything weeks in advance. The menu. What games we’d play and I handmade the invitations. I was inviting eight friends from school, my dad’s parents, my uncle Thomas and his wife and my cousins, Leila and Curt.’
The car started moving again and Carissa leant her forehead on the window, staring up at the darkening sky and the twinkling diamonds that blanketed it. ‘Before I sent the invitations out, my dad had a look through them and he noticed I hadn’t written one for my mum. When he told me that I’d forgotten her, I told him I hadn’t forgotten, I just hadn’t planned on inviting her.’
‘Why didn’t you want to invite your mother?’ Teal’s voice was so tender it was almost a caress.
‘Because I hated her for leaving us,’ Carissa said truthfully. ‘And when you’re eight, you can’t see past your own hurt. I didn’t want to run the risk of inviting her and her hurting us again. So I told my father that.’
‘What did he say?’
‘He sat me down and told me that I had to invite her because she loved me, even though she didn’t love him anymore. Because if I didn’t, she would be hurt and I would always regret her not being there. So I promised him I would invite her. I even wrote out a special card for her and showed him but I never actually posted it. I hid it at the bottom of my underwear drawer and when he asked, I just lied and said I had sent it out with the others. He never even questioned me. He believed me just like that. And I spent the next two weeks wracked with guilt; terrified I’d get caught.’
‘I take it he found out in the end, when she didn’t show up?’
Carissa’s voice was full of emotion when she spoke. ‘It … it was on my birthday. My mum called and was surprised to hear about the party. He told me off. I shouted at him that I hated my mum and that I hated him for wanting me to invite her. And … that’s … that’s when he collapsed.’
; Teal brought the car to a stop and when she turned to Carissa her eyes were full of compassion, empathy and sadness. Most of all, Carissa could see that Teal was connecting with her. Soul to soul. Heart to heart. Any barriers that were once there had vanished.
Openly crying now, Carissa said, ‘Those were the last words I said to him … the last thing he would have heard me say ... that I hate him.’
Teal unbuckled her seat belt and pulled Carissa into an embrace. They clung to each other, both crying for a past neither one of them could undo. Carissa wasn’t sure how long they remained like that but the relief she felt from telling someone about that incident was immense.
Teal drew back slightly and wiped away Carissa’s tears. ‘Are you okay?’
Carissa smiled weakly, as she glanced out of the window. She hadn’t even realised they were parked outside Teal’s house. She turned back to Teal, determined to reach her no matter what the stakes. ‘I told you the truth for a reason.’
‘Oh?’ It was neither a question or remark. Just a slight sound.
‘That feeling, the one I’ve been holding in for thirteen years—trying to hide my guilt and my fear. Sometimes you have the same painful expression on your face that I had on mine.’ When Teal didn’t respond, she continued, ‘I’m just trying to say, sometimes it’s better to open up than to try and deal with things on your own. After my dad died I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I missed that, still do.’
Teal’s eyes were now cloaked in shadow so Carissa couldn’t tell if she was offended, angry or indifferent about Carissa doling out advice to her. The silence between them stretched out for several minutes and Carissa started to get nervous, worried that she really had stepped out of line this time.
‘Teal,’ she said softly. ‘I’m sorry. It isn’t my place to—’
Carissa’s words were cut short as Teal leant in without warning and kissed her. Carissa parted her lips and their tongues melted into each other. Carissa’s eyes stayed open for a fraction of a second before she lost herself to the urgency of Teal’s kiss and surrendered to the moment.
Chapter Ten