by Jade Winters
Teal restlessly paced the floor in her room, resisting the urge to bang her head against the wall. ‘Fucking idiot,’ she whispered out loud.
She was so angry with herself. Fuming for being so bloody impulsive and reckless. The woman who normally had control of everything to within an inch of its life had finally lost it. The last time Teal acted without thinking, she’d got more than she’d bargained for with Channing not leaving her alone. Not that she thought Carissa was that kind of a person but things were going to be awkward between them from now on in. How couldn’t they be? I bloody kissed her! Now she had firmly planted herself bang in the middle of the very thing she had wanted to avoid—a complicated situation. She was appalled at herself for behaving so carelessly and yet, when the chatter in her mind eased slightly, she couldn’t deny the desperate need she had to walk over to Carissa’s room that very second and take things even further.
Teal had heard Carissa’s door close a few minutes ago. What, Teal wondered, had Carissa thought when Teal suddenly broke off their kiss, made a hasty apology and bolted upstairs into the house? Carissa had remained in the car for quite a while. Was she contemplating going home and telling Teal to stick her job where the sun didn’t shine?
Teal sank down on the edge of her bed and tried to wrap her head around what had happened. One minute Carissa had been talking about her life, baring her soul and speaking honestly and openly about her childhood. Somehow that honesty had touched Teal and sparked something within her. She had actually felt a connection to someone who had also struggled with the aftermath of guilt when a loved one had died unexpectedly. It felt so unreal that Teal literally lost her senses. In that moment, when her head wasn’t ruling her heart, her animal attraction to Carissa overtook her better judgement.
She had kissed her out of a purely selfish desire to lose herself in their shared grief. Because when Teal was with Carissa, the world didn’t seem so dark.
Teal drummed her fingers on the bed. Her restlessness needed an outlet and her instincts took her straight to the large, empty sketchbook that lay on the tiny desk that faced her window. She flipped it open and stared down at the blank page. The pristine white surface stared back at her as if it were laughing at her, daring her to spill her heart out onto its pages.
Abruptly, she sat down and grabbed a stray pencil.
Then she began to draw.
The lines were uncertain at first. The strokes were tentative and hesitant. But as the image began to take shape before her eyes, Teal started to lose the fear that normally clung to her fingers. Teal was suddenly drawn into a world she thought she had lost after Alana’s death and before long, she was drawing without thinking.
Hours passed but Teal continued. She felt alive. That spark, talent, whatever it was, had been ignited. She pushed herself away from the desk and paced the floor for a few minutes, scared to see what she had created. It took all the courage she had to go back to the open sketchpad.
Teal gritted her teeth and forced herself to look with fresh eyes at the images she’d drawn. There were a few clumsy lines, a few false strokes but the sketches staring back at her had to be some of her best work.
Mentally exhausted, Teal lay on her bed fully clothed. She didn’t even have the energy to get undressed or turn off the lamp. Instead, for the first time in months, Teal fell into a dreamless sleep.
***
Teal was up early the next morning. She didn’t want to bump into Carissa on the landing and have an awkward conversation about that ‘kiss’. Instead Teal thought it best that she just carried on with her normal routine and hope that Carissa would do the same.
Teal was in the middle of eating breakfast—a slice of toast and coffee—when a growling engine sounded outside. Dropping her toast on the plate, she made her way to the front door to find Nicole parking a large truck beside the kerb. Nicole grinned and gave her a quick wave. Teal absently waved back. The noise from the truck was loud enough to raise the dead which meant one thing—if Carissa wasn’t already awake, she would be now.
Turning away and leaving the door open, Teal went back to the kitchen, stopping in her tracks when she saw Carissa standing by the counter, pouring milk into a cup. Her hair was piled on her head in a bun, with a couple of loose strands framing her tired face. Their eyes met and their unfinished kiss from the night before settled in between them like a silent reminder.
‘Coffee?’ Carissa said, breaking the silence.
‘Uh, sure, mine’s probably gone cold now,’ Teal said distractedly. ‘Thank you.’
‘No problem,’ Carissa replied, as she took another cup from the cupboard and spooned in a heap of coffee.
‘Did the sound of the truck wake you?’ Teal asked, desperate to fill the silence no matter how inane.
‘I’ve been up for a while,’ Carissa said so quietly, Teal could barely hear her.
‘You should have come down. I would have made you breakfast?’ Teal said, looking at the uninspiring half eaten toast.
‘It’s all right. I’m not hungry.’
I’ve made her this sad. It was up to Teal to fix this mess but how? What could she offer her that would make her sadness go away?
‘Here you go,’ Carissa said, handing Teal the coffee she had just made.
‘Thank you,’ Teal said reaching for it. As she took it, the tips of their fingers brushed and for a moment neither woman moved them away. Carissa’s questioning eyes probed Teal’s, willing her to say something. Teal desperately wanted to but just couldn’t. What if she dug an even deeper hole? Then what? It was in uncertain times like this when it was best to say nothing.
‘Someone making coffee?’ Nicole’s voice startled them both as she appeared out of nowhere.
‘I think the kettle’s just boiled,’ Teal said stepping back quickly.
‘Have you seen what we did yesterday while you were gone?’
‘No, I haven’t,’ Teal replied. Building work had been the last thing on her mind the previous night. All she had thought about was Carissa and the feel of her lips on her own. ‘Not yet.’
‘Well come on then,’ she said, gesturing for them both to follow her.
Teal and Carissa trailed Nicole to the living room and let out a gasp at the same time when they walked in.
‘Oh my God,’ Carissa said, her eyes as wide as saucers. ‘You did all this yesterday?’
All Teal could do was stare. The wall between the two reception rooms had been knocked down and the open gap was now an arch.
Teal walked around the room in astonishment. She had truly thought getting these two rooms ready would take at least a few days.
‘We’ll be doing the plastering today,’ Nicole said puffing out her chest like a proud peacock showing off its beautiful feathers. ‘Then we’ll start on the floors tomorrow.’
‘I am so impressed,’ Teal finally found her voice.
‘So you should be. We worked our arses off while you two were swanning around shopping.’
Teal bit her tongue. Nicole had done a truly amazing job so if she wanted to be a bit catty, Teal would just rise above it. At least with Carissa preoccupied, Teal could make a quick escape, thus avoiding any more uncomfortable situations. She knew it was cowardly but she had never claimed to have the courage of a lion. ‘Well I’ll let you get on with it.’
Just as Teal reached the front door, she heard Carissa call out to her. ‘Are you going somewhere?’
Crap! ‘Yeah, won’t be long,’ she said over her shoulder before hurrying out the door.
Teal needed some time alone—away from Carissa and the house. Our kiss.
With the weight of the world on her shoulders, Teal walked along a country lane until her house was nothing but a speck in the distance and she was engulfed in mother nature’s trees and colourful flowers. She breathed in the freshness of the air and, not for the first time, thought how beautiful and peaceful it was here. She came to a stop at an open field and looked in wonder at the stunning vista before her. Teal sank
down onto the grass and lay there, with the rolling hills of the Cotswolds staring back at her. Sitting in complete quietness made it even harder for her to dismiss the thoughts she normally pushed to the back of her mind with ease. It was as if some unknown entity had walked into her body and was making her face up to things, that at one stage, she hadn’t been able to.
Before she knew it, Teal was fishing her phone out of her pocket and scrolling through her contact list. She found Shelly Hamilton’s number in a matter of seconds. Staring at her name, Teal wondered whether her new burst of inspiration was affecting her better judgement. She sat there for several minutes, with her finger poised over the call button, debating whether or not to make the call.
‘Sod it,’ she said as she hit the green button, annoyed by her own indecision.
When Teal heard the ringtone, her heart constricted ominously. She had managed to convince herself in the last few months that her artistic career didn’t mean as much to her as it used to. That she didn’t care if she drew again. But now, faced with the thought of rejection, she realised that denial had just been an easier pill to swallow at the time.
‘Hello?’
‘Shelly?’ Teal said, her voice going a little hoarse in the process.
‘Teal?’ Shelly replied. ‘Is that you?’
Teal pulled her knees up to her chest. For a brief moment she considered hanging up, unsure she was ready for this yet. A little voice in her head told her she had to start somewhere. Even if it was baby steps at first. ‘Yes, it’s me.’
‘Where have you been?’ Shelly said, in a rushed voice.
‘I ….’
‘It’s okay. I heard what happened to Alana. I’m so sorry. Did you get my flowers?’
Tears welled in Teal’s eyes. ‘Yes, they were beautiful. Thank you.’
There was a crackle on the line and Teal realised that if she didn’t tell her why she was calling soon, their connection might be lost. ‘I called because I wanted you to know that I’m working on a new collection. One that I think you might be interested in.’
‘A new one?’ Shelly sounded disappointed. ‘You still don’t want to show the drawings from Alana’s collection?’
‘No, it’s too soon. Too raw. But I’ve started something new,’ Teal said quietly. ‘I think you’ll like it.’
There was an extended pause on the other end of the line and it took Teal several seconds to realise the call had ended. She glanced down at her phone. No reception. It must be a sign.
Teal set her phone down on the grass and stared off into the blue sky that seemed to stretch out into infinity.
At least she had made the first step. Okay, she felt a little deflated that she hadn’t arranged to meet with Shelly to discuss an exhibition but that took second place to the knowledge that she had been able to draw again. That the inspiration that had taken a hold of her the night before hadn’t abandoned her yet. Teal knew for sure there was another collection inside her and she needed the space to be able to figure out what it was. Who am I kidding? I know exactly what’s given me the fire in my belly. No, not what. Who.
Under any other circumstances, Teal could have denied her feelings. Even run away if that was what her heart desired. Perhaps a few days ago she would have done. Run that was—straight for the hills without looking back. But that was before she’d kissed Carissa. Just thinking about her made Teal’s pulse race. She could deny her feelings and pretend that she felt nothing. Yes, I’m normally good at that. But how long could she live her life in that way? How much happiness would she have missed out on, no matter how brief? There was one thing Teal wasn’t and that was naïve.
Carissa had got under her skin and she would remain there until the project was completed. In the meantime, Teal knew what she needed to do.
As she started on her journey back home, her phone rang and for a desperate moment, Teal hoped it wasn’t Shelly calling back to arrange a meeting after all. She had suddenly lost the desire for any public appearances. For now, anyway. Glancing at the phone, she was almost relieved to see it was Channing.
Why the hell won’t she leave me alone?
‘What?’ Teal said leaving no doubt about her annoyance.
‘Hi,’ Channing’s voice seemed a little shaky.
‘What do you want?’ The noise in the background was making it hard for Teal to hear her.
‘I’m just checking in with you to make sure you’re okay.’
‘My well-being is none of your concern,’ Teal replied dryly. ‘When are you going to understand that.’
Channing inhaled deeply. ‘I wish you’d be a bit nicer to me. I’m having a tough time dealing with things.’
‘Then I suggest you find yourself a good therapist.’
‘I just need someone to talk to,’ Channing said. ‘I know I was a bit full on after what happened between us. But … I’ve never felt this way about a person before. I suppose I was overwhelmed with my emotions. I know I was a bit … crazy.’
‘A bit?’
The resentment inside Teal drained a little. Maybe it was because there was now some distance between them she could forget how bad things had become.
‘Teal?’ Channing asked. ‘Are you still there?’
‘I’m still here,’ Teal replied, after a moment.
Her breathing was slow and tired on the other end. Teal could tell that Channing was looking for something from her, she just didn’t know what.
‘Did you ever feel something for me, Teal?’ Channing’s voice trembled, as though she were scared of the answer.
Teal came to a stop and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to have this conversation. Not again. It had been done to death. She just wanted to move on. Put the past between them where it deserved to be—in the past.
‘I’m hanging up. Don’t call me again otherwise I’m going to change my number.’
She didn’t wait for Channing to answer. Teal cut the line and continued her solitary study of the trees, the hills and the newfound perspective that was slowly beginning to take shape in her mind.
Chapter Eleven
Carissa had spent most of the previous night trying to figure out why Teal had rejected her. It wasn’t as if Carissa had made the first move. All she had done was welcome Teal’s kiss with great zeal. With a jolt, Carissa realised Teal might have just been taking pity on her. She chided herself. Hadn’t she sworn that she was going to keep her business to herself? She had no right to dump her emotional baggage on Teal. After all, Teal was her boss, not her therapist. Nor was she her friend and the sooner Carissa got that into her thick skull the easier things would be for her.
Carissa poured hot water over the coffee granules in her mug. She needed as much caffeine as her body would tolerate as she’d barely had any sleep.
Just as she was about to add a teaspoonful of sugar to her mug, the kitchen door opened and Nicole swaggered in as if she owned the place.
‘Is Teal back yet?’
‘Nope.’ Carissa took a quick sip of her coffee, relishing the jolt of energy it supplied.
‘Do you know where she’s gone?’
Yes, I do. As far away from me as possible. If Carissa didn’t know better, she’d have started to think there was something seriously wrong with her by the way women seemed to want her one minute and run the next. ‘No idea. Is there a problem?’
‘Not really. I just want to take a look at Teal’s room to get an idea of what needs to be done.’
‘Oh,’ Carissa said hoping her facial expression wasn’t revealing her own desperate need to find out where Teal had gone. Earlier, as Teal had started to make her way along the public footpath, Carissa had been tempted to run after her. To confront her about the elusive kiss. But seeing the way Teal’s shoulders were slumped and how her head hung downwards, Carissa acknowledged that she just wanted to be alone.
‘Teal said I could go on up whenever I wanted,’ Nicole said. ‘But I don’t feel comfortable not having someone else present.’
Nicole, Carissa concluded, was not the sort of woman who hid her intentions well. The sheepish grin on her face said it all. She wanted Carissa to accompany her upstairs. Carissa just hoped that was all she wanted and there wasn’t an ulterior motive.
‘Well … if that’s what she said I’ll come with you.’
Nicole rubbed her hands together. ‘You’re a star.’
Carissa ignored Nicole’s wink and the quick flash of her teeth as she put down her coffee. She also ignored Nicole’s hand on the small of her back as they left the kitchen and went upstairs to Teal’s bedroom. Carissa was aware the room was only Teal’s temporary abode, probably devoid of anything personal or intimate, but entering it still made her feel like an unwanted intruder.
Nicole walked into the room without hesitation and Carissa reluctantly followed. The room was slightly bigger than hers but there was less space because of the bulky furniture. A heavy oak desk sat adjacent to the bed, on top of which sat a large sketchpad and an assortment of papers stuck out of a leather folder.
‘Crap,’ Nicole said, smacking her head with the palm of her hand. ‘I forgot something. Stay here, I’ll be right back.’
Nicole hurried out of the room, leaving Carissa standing alone. Carissa ran her fingers across her lips and they tingled expectantly when she glanced down at the unmade double bed. She couldn’t help but recall the moment when Teal had leant in and kissed her. It had come as a surprise. Straight out of nowhere. Yet somehow there had been a perfect symmetry to the moment, as though their kiss had been destined to happen ever since their first meeting.
A tremendous ache pulsed through her body at the thought of Teal’s tongue urgently seeking her own. What could have been possibly seconds, seemed like an eternity. Both women locked in a time that had held infinite possibilities. Until Teal had pulled away abruptly that is, and the spell had been broken.
Carissa remembered the tortured look in Teal’s eyes as she gazed at her. ‘I’m sorry,’ Teal had said. ‘That shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.’
Teal had fled from the car without another word. She ran into the house, leaving Carissa to remain where she was; her mind in a fog, questioning whether she had simply imagined the moment or if it had actually just happened.