by A. C. Bextor
“Travis, I haven’t had long to process,” he starts. “You get me when I say that. So, I’ll also say that what I have had the time to process isn’t fuckin’ good.”
“Ace,” Hayden tries to interject.
“You don’t have relationships,” Ace forges on without giving in to Hayden’s attempt at interference. “Since I’ve known you, you’ve never been with a woman longer than a month that I can ever remember.”
Hayden wades in again, this time inching closer to Ace. “Listen to him, Ace.”
“I love her,” I tell them all.
Silence deafens the room.
“You were like a brother to me,” Ace whispers over the truth I’ve left open. “You were like a brother to her,” he continues. “I trusted you with her all these years. All her life I thought she was safe with you.”
“She is.” I won’t let him take that small piece away from me.
“She doesn’t know what it means to be in a relationship.”
“You’ve never let her have one,” Toby throws in from behind Ace. He’s leaning against the wall, his legs crossed at the ankles, his arms braced across his chest.
Ace looks back at him, then again turns to me. “And now you can fuckin’ see why.”
Again, the room deadens in silence. Ace just announced his opinion to the others in no way it could be mistaken. My best friend, my brother by bond, thinks I’m not good enough for Sarah.
“Whatever the fuck this is, it’s fuckin’ over. Today. You’re done. Both of you,” he says absolutely. He looks at Hayden’s pale face and mumbles, “This is all just fuckin’ ridiculous.”
I knew he’d be pissed. If it were me, and it was me with Lacey and Hayden, I’d feel the same. But I’ve wanted this with Sarah for too long. Too much time and emotion has passed to let her go without a fight.
“We’re together, Ace. She’s happy. You said so yourself.” My claim falls on deaf ears. He’s not listening, but I keep going. “At the arena, weeks ago, you said she was happy and she was and still is.”
“Were you fucking her then? When I told you I saw how happy she was, were you fucking my little sister then?”
“Knock it off!” Hayden jumps in once Ace’s intentions head toward insulting Sarah. “Ace,” he says, lifting the chair Ace threw and setting it next to him. “Just wait. Hear what he has to say.”
Ace’s eyes break from mine to glare at Hayden. “You have nothing in this. You’re as guilty as he is.”
“You’re not seeing what’s happening in front of you, friend. You’re not looking close enough,” Hayden pleads quietly, attempting to calm the rabid tiger’s fury.
“Fuck you,” Ace spits. “You want to take his side in this, fine. I’ll be down two brothers instead of one, but it doesn’t change what’s ending—what’s fucking over.” Looking back at me, he points in my direction. “If she doesn’t make this go away, make it end, you’re goin’ to. If you don’t, Travis, we’ll never be brothers again.”
Toby moves from the wall and walks closer to Ace, stopping at his side. Ace turns to look at him and the ever-calm, ever-collected Toby speaks. “Hayden’s right. In some way you have to know that, too. She’s happy, Ace. Since Bean died and she moved in with Travis, she’s changed.”
“I don’t give a fuck,” Ace quickly returns.
“About her happiness?” Toby throws back just as fast.
“I don’t give a fuck about what she’s feelin’ right now. She’ll thank me for this later.”
Toby doesn’t give up. “When she’s found someone to love?”
“Yes,” Ace replies.
“She already has,” Hayden puts in.
Ace’s refusal to acknowledge Sarah’s feelings still doesn’t deter Toby. “Travis is good for her. She could’ve ended up with anyone and you could be just as powerless to stop it.”
“She’s still my kid sister.”
“She’ll always be that. But she’s also a grown woman and can make decisions for herself,” Hayden adds, echoing my exact thoughts. If I were able to express them, I would.
Looking back at me, Hayden and Toby now flanking him, Ace gives his parting shot. I hadn’t seen it coming, but should’ve figured it was. “You’re fucked in the head, Travis,” he starts slowly, building venomous momentum. “You always have been. She’s not safe with you. You’ve got too much shit inside that you’ve kept buried. Too much has happened in your life to make you a strong enough person to take care of Sarah. So, no. It’s over. You’re not good enough for her.”
The truth of the situation hits me. Sarah and I will never be happy if Ace doesn’t approve.
Before he’s able to walk away, and before I’ve given up completely, I stop him with words aimed to hurt him just as his hurt me. “What you just said about me is maybe true, Ace. I won’t deny you could be right. I’ve thought about those reasons over and over. But, I can’t change my past.” His expression doesn’t change; the permanent mask of ire doesn’t falter in the slightest. “When you brought Raegan here from Ohio and into our lives, she was so fuckin’ broken; she was a shell of who she is now. You saved her from a life a lot similar to mine. Am I not someone who’s a lot like the person you’d lay down your own life for?”
“You’re nothing like Raegan,” he seethes with added anger etched on his face.
No, I’m not. No two people’s pasts are alike, but the damage stemmed from it can cause the same effect.
I laugh, sadistically, at his denial. “Open your eyes, Ace. Raegan’s past fucks with her, probably more than mine does with me.”
Ace makes a sudden move, as if I’d struck him, causing Hayden to jump back and out of his way.
“We’re not discussing this anymore, friend,” he seethes. “It’s finished.”
I have to let her go.
“If you love her, like you say you do, then it’s over,” he tells me but there’s no need to further explain.
I’ve got to end this.
I knew Ace’s reaction would be violent, but I hadn’t expected his reasoning to be as certain. The part of my past Ace knows about not only haunts me, but him.
She’ll never understand.
“I love her,” I concede. “She loves me, too. This won’t go easy.”
Toby pipes in after a long silence. “You’re ending it with her? Travis, no.”
Turning, Ace moves in closer to Toby and uses his build to intimidate. “You have nothing in this. I suggest you stay the fuck out of it. It doesn’t concern you or Hayden.”
“You’re making a mistake. Sarah and Travis. . . .”
Toby’s words are stopped. The tension in the room increases further as Ace looks back at me. “I’ve never in all my years knowing you felt the betrayal I feel now.” His voice gentles slightly. He’s still angry, but he’s hurt. “If you’d come to me first . . .” he stops and takes a breath. “Even if you’d come to me first, the answer would’ve been no, but you’d have saved Sarah the heartache of losing you.”
“The heartache you’re causing, Ace. Don’t forget that,” Hayden offers.
Without another word, and without looking behind him, Ace walks rigidly out the door just as he walked in it: frustrated, angry, and hurt by my betrayal.
Before leaving, Hayden and Toby sit with me in silence for as long as they can stand it. Each lost in their head like I was. I imagined they were trying to forget Ace’s resentment, but couldn’t. I didn’t blame either of them for leaving without uttering a single word of goodbye. Their sullen faces were enough to tell me what I already knew.
I’d have to let Sarah go and I’d have to do it in such a way she’ll have no choice but to accept it.
And she’ll hate me for the rest of her life after hurting her the way I know I will.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Sarah
“I FUCKING HATE you,” I seethe to Ace on the drive to Trav’s apartment.
We’re headed there to “collect my things” as he explained on the way to the hospita
l elevator. He couldn’t give me so much as a fucking day to process his demands and allow me to weigh in with an opinion or give me an opportunity to offer a thought that was my own.
I fucking knew this would happen.
When Ace came out of Travis’s hospital room, I knew. I had my answer before he uttered an angry word. His decision had been made and it was over. He did explain, in animated and angered detail, what would happen to Travis if I didn’t end things between us.
Travis would be alone. It was a place, in his head, he’d already known for too long. I knew then I couldn’t let that happen. I wanted to fight, pull any strength from down deep, and go back in Trav’s room and lie next to him while he was healing. I’d already had a lifetime of experiencing Ace’s temper and interference though, so it was pointless.
I fucking knew this would happen.
Once again, because of a life where I lived under Ace’s thumb, I stopped resisting and did as I was told. It didn’t matter how Travis and I explained ourselves. Explaining to Ace that our relationship was gradual and had happened over a span of years wouldn’t matter. He wouldn’t have listened no matter when or where we ever tried to tell him.
God, Bean would have so much to say about this.
The others stood around us in the waiting room watching as Ace threatened to remove him from the group. Travis would no longer be welcome in Ace’s life, the Ward, or in the band that rarely plays anymore. His connection to Rae would be severed. Although Raegan loves Travis, she wouldn’t betray Ace for anyone. Travis would be alone and it would be because of me.
Hayden said nothing in our defense, and neither did Toby. They weren’t surprised by Ace’s reaction, but they were sorry. Their faces, as they stood around and watched the train wreck happening in front of them, were full of shame—for Ace.
Lacey stood still by my side as Ace informed us all that I was moving back in with him and Rae. She held my hand as she walked me out to Ace’s truck. She kissed me on the cheek and whispered quietly in my ear, but I wasn’t listening to any more of what anyone else had to say.
“Better you hate me than fuck him,” Ace answers my declaration quickly while staring at the road ahead.
“You won’t even hear me out, will you?”
Turning around and pinning me with a glare, which at one time would’ve kept me quiet, he utters his words as if they’re painful to speak. “I’m supposed to be taking care of you, Sarah. It’s what she would’ve wanted.”
“Taking care of me?” I ask louder than needed, but he needs to listen. “You are not talking about Bean, Ace. You are not bringing her into this fucking conversation and saying she wouldn’t want me with Travis. She loved him!”
“She didn’t know him,” he states calmly. “She only knew what we told her.”
Pushing an already sensitive situation, I ask, “Are you talking about his mom and what may or may not have happened when he was a kid?”
“What he saw as a child? Yes. What causes him to fear what he’ll do to a woman himself because of what he saw? That’s a fuck yes.”
Travis hadn’t finished telling me exactly what he thinks he remembers. He either couldn’t finish the story or he was too ashamed and nervous to admit it. I don’t ask Ace to fill me in; it’s not his place. I’ll ask Travis.
“That’s bullshit, Ace. Bean knew every one of us. She loved us all despite ourselves. You, more than anyone, should know that.”
“Stop talkin,’ Sarah.”
“He loves me, Ace,” I say quietly, hoping to reach my brother’s heart.
“I love you, Sarah. And I know what’s good for you.”
“Don’t talk to me about what’s good for me or what you think Bean would have to say about this,” I slam him with truth, then add an extra insult. “She’d be ashamed of you for doing this to him. He was your best friend.”
“You come first. Always, before any and all of them.”
“Do I, though?” I ask sincerely. “Because it doesn’t feel like I do. It rarely did, Ace.”
Ace turns, giving me a look of what I determine is confusion, so I continue. “You left me not once, but twice, when you went to Ohio for all those months. You left me again when you went to Vegas for Rae.”
“You were taken care of,” he tries to explain.
“Yes, I was. Travis took care of me. He made sure Bean and I were okay. Travis, Hayden, and Toby all put me first, but not you.”
I’m right. He knows I am and it hurts. My intention isn’t to strike him with the truth, but to get him to realize what he’s doing.
“Sarah,” he says on a sigh.
“Ace, where were you when Bean died?”
That question lingers in the air, the honesty of my blatant point causing him to stay quiet, letting me finish. “Trav was there,” I whisper quietly. “If he wouldn’t have done the things he did, Ace, I’m not so sure I would’ve been okay.”
Ace still has nothing to say in his own defense. He has to know I’m right.
“I love him,” I continue. “And you’re hurting me by doing this.”
Ace thinks he’s won this. He hasn’t and the first chance I get, I’ll figure this out with Travis. Come hell or high motherfucking water, I’ll figure this out with the only person who matters.
“I don’t want to know you anymore,” I mumble to the window of his truck as I listen to the radio play a song not so unlike the life I wish I lived.
Andrew Belle knows how to make a girl hurt. “In My Veins” is crushing my heart and twisting my soul.
Finally, after pulling into Ace’s driveway, I get out and walk in the front door. Not looking back to see if Ace followed, I move quickly and head straight back to the room I don’t plan to stay in long. Passing Rae, sitting quietly at their dining room table, I don’t offer her so much as a glance. I don’t think she’s in any shape to handle my anger and hostility right now. She’s got to be just as heartsick as I am; Travis is, or was, her best friend.
Diamond, Ace’s dog, wags his tail in excitement, thinking I’ve willingly come back and apparently just for him. Thankfully, Decklan is nowhere in sight.
The immediate knock on my door, shortly after I’ve closed it, further pisses me off. I haven’t had time to process, and these people want to pick apart what they think they know about my relationship with my best friend.
I don’t move off the bed to answer.
The door opens carefully, and I find Rae leaning against the jamb. She’s been crying. Her hands are hidden under her arms, which are crossing her waist. She’s changed into her night shorts and her own Devil’s Despair tee. It fucking kills me to look at it.
Clearing her throat, she asks, “Can I come in?”
“No, Rae. You can’t,” I tell her. “I don’t want company.”
She takes a brief second to assess what’s in front of her and enters anyway. I sigh heavily at the intrusion.
“I won’t stay long. I’m only here to ask if there’s anything you need.”
Dear God, is there a Post-it Note big enough to list what I fucking need?
“Yeah,” I snap back, not caring it’s not her fault my brother’s a giant dick. “Travis. That’s what I need.”
“Sarah,” she starts. Her head tilts to the side and her eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know how to help.”
“Then don’t worry about it. Shutting the door on your way out is help enough right now, Raegan.”
I start to feel bad but, good God above, this is the last place I’d thought I’d end up today and I just came from the hospital so that’s saying something.
Rae dismisses my request and asks, “Ace wants to talk to you. Will you let him?”
“Fuck that shit. I hate him, Rae.”
“Sarah, if you let him talk he’s more likely to listen to you than anyone else.”
Tears fill my eyes and I look to the ceiling trying to control them before they have a chance to fall. “Do you not know him, Rae? Once Ace decides on something, that’s it, i
t’s done.”
“You’re giving Travis up?”
Again, I’ve not had time to process anything. All Ace’s demands to walk away from Travis, seeing him lying in that cold hospital bed alone after our weekend together, Ace forcing me to stay away from him, watching Raegan go through this as I am—it’s too fucking much.
“Can you go? This isn’t your fault, but I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
She nods, lifts her body off the doorframe, and grabs the handle. She stops, turns around, and quietly tells me, “Let Ace calm down. He does want to talk to you, Sarah. He just doesn’t know how.”
“Raegan,” I sigh. “I’m telling you that’s not a good idea. I’m not saying I hate him like I did when I was a kid. I mean it when I say I fucking hate him.”
Wiping the tears I’ve caused to fall from her face, her eyes meet mine and she voices, in a rigid tone I’ve not heard her use toward anyone, “I realize you don’t know the relationship I had with my mom growing up. The woman who was supposed to love and protect me, didn’t. Instead, she hated me for just being alive. I can’t tell you what I would’ve given for her to show me an ounce of interest, let alone try to step in and protect me from a future she was scared I’d have. Ace is doing this because he loves you, not because he hates you or Travis. You can continue to sit in here and be angry but imagine your life without Ace in it and how you would’ve ended up without him.”
Wiping away evidence of my sadness for Rae, I plead, “Please shut my door on the way out. I’m done for today.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Travis
TELL HIM TO stop. Please, Mom. Wake up and tell him to stop.
It’s all I can think as I watch the man continue moving on top of my mom. His breath is heavy and his hands are digging into her skin as she remains sleeping under him.
“Payment’s a payment, alive or dead,” he spits out before licking her cheek where I’ve kissed her so many times.
She can’t be dead.
I want my dad.
* * *
Since Lacey brought me home from the hospital, I’ve sat alone in my apartment remembering with twisted reality what’s happened. It doesn’t matter what I say or do; things are what they are. Ace isn’t a person who can be persuaded. He never has been. My only choice to make Sarah happy is to let her go and free her to find happiness—just not with me.