Dear Ava

by Madden-Mills, Ilsa

  He rubs his face, smearing the paint. “Don’t freak out. Monday I can explain everything.”

  Confusion hits. Monday? “What’s happening then—”

  “Give me tonight, Tulip. I’m not going because I want to, but because I need things to look normal. I’ll text you, okay?”

  Look normal?

  Does he mean for football, to keep the peace between the players over me?

  Knox lives and breathes football, and I can’t change that. I shouldn’t want to, but—

  “Awesome game, Knox!” Wyatt and Piper call out, interrupting my thoughts.

  He accepts their praise then gives me a lingering, soft glance until his face tightens. “Later, Tulip.”

  And then he’s dashing off to the locker room.

  I feel winded as Wyatt and I walk back to the dorm. Piper has already left with her parents.

  “He’s going to the kegger?” he asks when I tell him what’s going on, anger coloring his voice.

  “That’s what he said.”

  He scowls. “Asshole. Are you okay?”

  “Not really.” My head is jumbled up, working through Knox’s comments and thinking about Mr. Grayson’s.

  I’m young. He’s young.

  Anger stirs inside me too, imagining Knox at the kegger with other girls—

  Ugh.

  Just stop.

  I trust him, right?

  He paid for my housing. He hit Liam over me. He wants to protect me.

  And what is it costing him, to go against his team?

  I shove down my misgivings as we reach the dorm.

  A woman calls over from across the parking lot. She takes off in a jog over to us.

  “Ava! Oh my God. Wait a second!”

  “Mom?” I gasp out, still halfway thinking about Knox.

  I shove that aside and rub my eyes. Six freaking years and here she is, wearing faded leggings and a shirt with a stain on it. Her hair is long and stringy, the brown strands lank.

  Wyatt grunts, and I realize I’ve clamped on to his arm.

  “Ava?” he whispers. “Do I need to call security?”

  My mouth dries. “No, not yet.”

  She’s reached us and comes to a halt, drinking in my face. She smiles widely, but all I can see are the bruises on her arms.

  “Ava, sweetheart, it is you,” she says breathlessly, holding her hands up in a prayer motion against her lips.

  I swallow. “What are you doing here?”

  She takes Wyatt in, and I see the moment she knows he’s got money: his shoes, his designer jeans, the beautiful tattoos. “Hi.” She glances back at me. “You have nice friends, Ava. I’m so glad.”

  This isn’t happening.

  I look up at Wyatt. “Can you give me a moment?”

  “No. You haven’t let go of me, and there’s a reason for that.”

  “Wyatt, please.” My throat tightens and I beg him with my eyes. Please. I don’t want him to see her, to know the details of where I come from. I told Knox, but that was different. She wasn’t here in person then!

  He lets out a sigh, frowning. “Fine. I’ll be inside.” He points his fingers at his eyes then at mine. “Watching you.”

  “What are you doing here?” I ask my mother once he’s out of earshot.

  “I wanted to see you, of course.”

  I clench my fists, taking that in. “Well, here I am. I’m surprised you recognized me.”

  “Your hair is different and you’re taller, but there’s no mistaking that pretty little face.” She rushes over closer and hugs me, and I hug her back automatically. She cups my face. “You sure are gorgeous, baby girl. Just like your mama when I was your age.”

  I tug out of her grip. “Why are you here all of a sudden?”

  She licks her lips and looks out at the parking lot. Following the direction, I see an old beat-up Toyota sedan and a man sitting in the driver’s seat.

  “Is that Cooper?” I snap.

  She waves me off. “Ha, no. He left a while ago. That’s Keith. He’s my man. We’ve been together for a few years. I don’t know where Cooper ended up, maybe still in California.”

  I point at the bruises on her arm. “Good one, huh?”

  She frowns. “No need to judge me. How’s Tyler?” Her eyes seem to light up.

  Pure terror washes over me. “He’s fine.”

  “How bad is he? Does he hurt?”

  She’s talking about his FAS diagnosis. When he was born, there was so much up in the air as far as how well he’d do the older he got, and Mama missed all the tests he went through, the medical exams.

  But, I lie. Hell yeah I do, because if she’s here for him, to use him somehow, I can’t… “Constant medical care. Nearly blind.”

  Please forgive me, Tyler. You are amazing.

  “I’d love to see him.” She rubs her arms. “Is he still at Sisters of Charity? Are they taking good care of him?”

  I suck in a breath. Not going to answer that. “Technically, he isn’t yours anymore. When you leave a newborn, the state of Tennessee considers that as you giving up your rights.” It’s called the Safe Haven Law and while I don’t know all the specifics, I do know that it enabled her to leave him without breaking the child abandonment laws. She walked away and that was it. We were left in the hands of the nuns.

  She gets a faraway look on her face and sighs. “I did the best I could for him. The nuns are good.” She toys with the edge of her stained shirt. “I drove past there, you know, and saw a kid getting out of that van they drive. He had these thick glasses on and…” She bites her lip. “He looked like Cooper. Was that him?”

  “There are twenty little kids there. How do I know? And he looks nothing like Cooper.”

  She shrugs, letting it go. “You didn’t come to the diner again. Why not?”

  “How did you know where I go to school?”

  “I followed your Instagram last year. You deleted it though. How are you, baby? This is a fancy place, all these pretty buildings, and look at you and that hot guy. Is he your boyfriend? He looks rich.”

  “He’s a kid. He doesn’t have money, Mama.”

  “But I bet his family does. Good for you. That’s what you need, a rich guy.”

  “Mama, stop.”

  The guy in the car opens his door and gets out, leaning against it as he lights up a cigarette. He’s skinny, like Mama, with slouchy clothing and tattoos on his neck and face, and they aren’t nice ones like Wyatt’s. He sends us a long look, and I feel him checking me out as he blows smoke in the air.

  I focus back on her. “What do you want?”

  She laughs, her eyes wide as she looks me up and down. “Come on, let’s be sweet. I’ve missed you and it killed me to leave you, but if I hadn’t, Cooper would have worked his way to you, and he might not have just hit you, you see. And Tyler…poor defenseless baby. I miss having kids.” She pauses. “I saw that kid, and it was him, and he didn’t look terrible to me. You lie, Ava.”

  “What do you want?” I yell, my patience stretched thin, my nerves on edge.

  She stiffens, looking petulant. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

  I exhale as the past tugs at me a little. “I’m glad you’re okay. I haven’t heard from you since you left. I thought…I thought you might be dead.”

  She laughs. “I’m not.”

  I blow out a breath. “Mama, what do you want?”

  Her lips turn down. “Money.”

  Now, the reality behind her note and visit are crystal clear, and I swallow down the hurt it causes me even though I expected it. “I see.”

  “But if I can’t get any, maybe I’ll call one of those family lawyers, see what it might take to get Tyler back—unless you can help me? What do you say? I bet you have some money saved from waiting tables, or maybe your boyfriend has some cash? Just a little would do me a lot of good, baby girl.”

  My eyes flare. She’s probably still using. I don’t smell any alcohol on her, but that doesn’t mean she is
n’t high, and it’s dark out here…ugh.

  I don’t believe she’ll call anyone. She doesn’t want Tyler; she just wants the money, and she’ll only wear me down, lingering around the diner and school, and geeze, she’s my mom, she’s my mom, and I haven’t laid eyes on her in so long…

  She was a terrible mother, so bad, but she’s still the person who brought me into this world, and I can feel that tiny, fragile bond right now, twisting in my heart. I feel like a little kid all over again, wondering if she’s okay, if she’ll hug me, if she’ll be home when I get back from school.

  My shoulders slump. “I’ll give you everything I have.”

  She smiles broadly.

  “But I never want to see you again.”

  A long sigh comes from her. “Ah, Ava, you’re mean. Guess you get it honest.”

  Yeah.

  She sends a thumbs-up to the man in the parking lot and I cringe. “We just need to get to Memphis, you know, and we ran out of money a while back, and it will give us a good start. We all need fresh starts, don’t we? Thank you, baby girl.”

  “Yeah.” Feeling queasy, I tell her to stay put and dash inside the dorm and up to my room. I lift up my mattress and count out my three thousand dollars. The money doesn’t really matter right now. I can always work more.

  “You are not going back out there without me,” Wyatt states when I come back to the lobby.

  “Okay.” I exhale.

  With Wyatt next to me—thank you God for sending me a friend like him—I walk back outside and press it into her hands.

  “I’ll call the cops the next time,” I say, running my eyes back over the man who’s still watching us. “He looks like he might have warrants out. Wouldn’t want him to go to jail, or you to go for harassment.”

  Her mouth quirks up. “Just like me, you’re hard and ready to fight.” She laughs harshly. “Don’t blame you a bit.”

  “What the fuck just happened?” Wyatt says as we watch their taillights leave a few minutes later.

  My chest hitches, feeling lost, like I want to chase her car down, even with that scary man inside, and beg her to stay and just be a mom and be like Knox’s dad, but, no, no—those thoughts are foolish and she chose her path a long time ago.

  I swallow down the past. “I was blackmailed by my mom.”

  “Dude. You have some weird shit going on.”

  “Oh, Wyatt. You have no idea.”

  He cocks his head and mulls something over. “Did you know you were mumbling the whole way back from the stadium?”

  “What was I saying?”

  We approach the doors.

  “‘I’m too young. He’s too young.’ I think you meant you and Knox, of course.” He rolls his eyes. “But I want you to know—that look on your face when your mom left… You aren’t young, Ava. You’re ancient. And Knox? He’s there too.”

  I don’t know what to say about that.

  He tosses an arm around me as we walk back into the lobby. “So, it’s Friday night and it’s just you and me. What do you want to do?”

  I shake my head. “I’m just…lost.”

  He exhales, holding me tighter. “Let’s get in my car and just drive. How does that sound? We’ll roll the windows down, let the night air in, and blare some rap music. You can tell me what a hot dude I am and that Jagger is going to fall in love with me.”

  I can’t help the grin on my face, and I reach up and kiss his cheek. “I love you. Marry me?”

  “Same. I insist we register at Pottery Barn. Sheets and towels and candles. Would you mind if Jagger marries me too? Three-way?”

  I laugh. “No, you’d never pay any attention to me. Come on, let’s go for that drive.”

  22

  I wake up with a scream, my body shaking as I wrestle myself out of a nightmare about ghostly trees and coyotes circling me as I lie in the woods. Gulping in air, I try to orient myself in the darkened room and control my rapid breathing. The attack from last week sneaks in.

  That’s where you belong, bitch, at my feet—and don’t you forget it.

  I close my eyes, my hands clenching the quilt.

  Something so familiar about… But it’s gone.

  Forget the dream. Get some sleep.

  With a glance at my phone, I see it’s seven in the morning, way too soon to get up considering Wyatt and I didn’t get home until midnight. I toss over and beat at my pillow, trying to get comfortable, but an hour later, it’s pointless, my head is still replaying last night.

  Why is Knox pushing me away little by little?

  Why did his dad offer to send me to New York and take care of Tyler? He’s never even met me before, yet he’d be willing to fork over thousands of dollars just to get me out of Camden? It doesn’t make sense. Obviously, he wants Knox to focus on football and his brother and not me, but—

  I pause.

  Why does Dane dislike being around me? I can accept that part of it is because of what happened to his mom, but something doesn’t feel right, and a sense of foreboding creeps over me, heavy and thick, crawling down my spine.

  I get out of bed, take a quick shower, and throw on some shorts and a Cranberries shirt. After making my bed and going over some homework, I’m still antsy and frustrated. At ten, I call Wyatt, and we make a plan to meet at a coffee shop in town.

  We’ve just settled in at a table next to the window when a black Mercedes SUV drives past the shop and parks across the street. Taking a sip of my coffee, I watch as Knox, Dane, and his dad exit the vehicle and walk toward the police station.

  “What are they doing?” Wyatt murmurs, following my gaze. “Trouble with the Graysons on a Saturday?”

  “No clue,” I reply, frowning.

  The three of them stop at the entrance where three other well-dressed men are waiting. One of them is clearly Chance’s dad, a slick-looking older man with sandy hair and a trim frame. Although I’ve never met him, I used to follow Chance’s social posts when we were together, plus I’ve seen him at school a few times to drop off or pick up his son. He’s a lawyer. A lawyer.

  My eyes land on a policeman who’s walking down the sidewalk toward them, and I suck in a breath, recognizing his face as the man who interviewed me last fall.

  “What’s going on?” Wyatt calls out as I jump up, almost knocking over my coffee. He takes a napkin and dabs at the small spill that sloshed on the table.

  “I don’t know.” I breathe quickly as my heart pounds. “But whatever it is, it’s… Something feels off.” I stop, grabbing my purse and dashing for the door.

  By the time I push through the exit, they’ve disappeared into the precinct.

  “Ava?” It’s Wyatt and he’s followed me.

  What…what the hell is going on?

  Why are they meeting with the police, armed with lawyers?

  “…do you want to go back inside and wait for Knox?” he’s saying, and I realize he’s been talking to me for a while.

  “I’m going in there to find them,” I push out, my chest rising and falling quickly, so quickly.

  He hesitates for a moment then nods. “Ride or die.”

  We cross the street, enter the station, and walk up to the front desk. The place is mostly quiet, a few officers milling around, and I search their faces, not seeing the one who just walked in. Knox and Dane and Mr. Grayson are nowhere in sight.

  The lady at the desk gives me a small smile and checks out Wyatt’s tattoos. She’s older with gray hair and little glasses. “May I help you?”

  I lick my lips. “My name is Ava Harris.” I pause, taking a breath. “May I see one of the detectives who worked on my case last fall?”

  If she remembers me, she doesn’t show it, and I suppose she sees tons of people coming through here. She sits down at her computer and gives me an expectant look. “Detective’s name?”

  Panic brushes at me. God, I can’t even recall. I haven’t wanted to think about him and those hours spent here, and I…

  “He just walked in with
the Grayson family,” I say.

  She nods. “Bryant Thomas. He’s busy. Would you like to give me your number and I’ll have him call you?” She reaches over and hands me a form. “Just fill this out with the specifics of the case, and he’ll get back to you.”

  The paper shakes in my hand. Would he? Would he really call me? He never has before. They dismissed me. They never even told me Knox drove me to Piper’s! They forgot about me as soon as I walked out!

  “Ava?” Wyatt asks as he leads me over to some chairs in a waiting area. “Want me to fill it out for you?”

  No, no, no, it isn’t even about the detective at this point; it’s about Knox meeting with him, that entourage of lawyers.

  Fumbling in my purse, I pull out my phone and fire off a text to Knox.

  I know where you are, Shark. I saw you walk in.

  It takes him three minutes to walk out from a hallway to the right. Standing with my fists clenched, I watch as he jogs over to me in jeans and a Camden shirt. I dismiss how…beautiful he is.

  I don’t know him, I don’t, and he isn’t who I thought he was, because if he—if he’s known what happened, how could he do this, how could he not tell me, how could he—

  “Ava,” he starts, his face white. “What—”

  “Stop. Don’t. Time to breathe? Really?”

  His chest expands and he looks around the room before coming back to me. “I can explain—”

  “No. You tell me right now what’s going on with you and your dad and your brother meeting with lawyers at a police station on a Saturday with the detective who interviewed me, and don’t lie to me. This can’t just be a coincidence!” My voice rises and a few people send us glances, but I don’t care, not now, not in this place with all those memories in my head.

  I recall Knox’s words to me after the game. How his dad looked at me so warily.

  “You and your brother and your dad—did you really think I wouldn’t figure it out? You wanted to tell me on Monday? Monday,” I sneer. “How could you?”

  He tries to take my hand, but I snatch it away.

  “Please,” he says, his voice colored with dread. “Please, listen to me.” He looks around the room. “Let’s go somewhere and talk—”