The Truth about Ruby Valentine

by Alison Bond

  What? And now that she was dead it was okay to break that promise? What possible good did it do Kelly to know this now, when it was too late? What on earth was she supposed to do with this revelation? Sell it to the tabloids? And say what? I never knew her, she never knew me, but check me out anyway? It didn’t even matter that her mother was famous. She was gone, and for now that was all Kelly could see.

  ‘Leave me alone.’ She walked over to her clapped-out stereo and pushed play on the CD, not caring about the song and turning up the volume to drown Sean’s repeated pleas for her to come out.

  And she sat with her back to the door and tried not to cry.

  For as long as she could remember she had thought there was a chance she had a mother out in the world somewhere, but now she knew there was no chance at all. A fantasy she’d had for years – that her mother would turn up and they would become close – disintegrated. And she felt that with it went any hope of ever finding out why she felt so lonely sometimes.

  *

  Kelly wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there, but the CD had finished long ago and despite her inner turmoil, and the need to process this new information, she was starting to feel a bit peckish. It was slightly annoying to discover that in the middle of an out-and-out drama ordinary things such as hunger could still matter. Idly she wondered if she could sneak down to the kitchen and fix a ham sandwich without running into her dad. She didn’t want to see him, not yet. She wouldn’t know what to say. Just as she was thinking that she might have pickle on her sandwich there was a gentle knock at her door. She tensed.

  ‘Uh, Kelly? Are you in there?’

  Jez. She opened the door.

  What’s up?’ he said. ‘I’ve been calling your mobile. I thought you were waiting for me after work. You know, so we could go to that place and get that thing?’

  She vaguely remembered something about Jez needing a lift into the next town but trying to recall the details was like wading through fog.

  She had to talk to someone, it was the only way this would seem real. ‘Something’s happened,’ she said.

  ‘What?’ he said. His hands flew to his mouth. ‘Oh no, I know what it is. You used the cash card and the machine swallowed it? That’s okay, babe. Glynn says there’s work coming up next week for sure.’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘That’s not it.’

  She felt hot tears spike the back of her eyelids, and even though she kept them in check Jez must have noticed a change in her expression. He sat down on the bed beside her and laced his fingers through her own and she looked down at their joined hands. They matched.

  ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’

  She paused to allow him the chance to make an inappropriate joke – if he was going to make jokes then she’d rather give him a chance to do so early on – but he didn’t. He just tightened his grip on her hand a tiny bit, tipped his head to one side and bit his bottom lip the way he always did when he was trying to concentrate.

  ‘It’s no big deal,’ she said, stalling. She didn’t know what to tell him first or how – that Ruby Valentine had died or that Ruby Valentine was her mother or that her mother had died? – and in that moment of confusion she lost the will to tell him at all. She pulled her hand away. Forget it. She would carry on with her life as if she’d never known. If she didn’t want to confront this then she didn’t have to.

  ‘Kel,’ he said. ‘Tell me. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘That’s classic. Right away you assume it’s something bad.’

  ‘If it’s good, then why are you so scared of telling me? So scared that you’d rather pick a fight?’

  She hated it when Jez was right.

  ‘My mother, she died. Just.’

  There, she’d said it. It might be the first time ever that she’d referred to Ruby as her mother but she’d said it. Jez looked concerned and started to embrace her. ‘Please don’t,’ she said, shoving him gendy away and crossing her arms across her chest. ‘It’s no big deal. She left right after I was born. We never met.’

  ‘You never met?’

  ‘Well, maybe we did when I was a baby, we must have I suppose, but I don’t remember her.’

  ‘Why did you never tell me that?’

  ‘You never asked.’

  ‘I did once but you got a bit funny about it.’

  ‘I did?’

  ‘It was at that wedding in Manchester, remember? You were a bit tipsy. Don’t worry about it.’

  Why should I worry? Funny how? What did I say?’

  You said you hated her more than anyone else in the world including Hitler and then you asked me to get you another sausage roll.’

  Kelly remembered that wedding. If she really thought hard about it she could even remember the conversation through the red wine fug. She’d only been trying to be flippant, she hadn’t meant it. She just hadn’t much fancied having that particular heart-to-heart while competing with the Stevie Wonder from the mobile disco.

  ‘I never knew her.’

  ‘Still, your mum, I’m sorry. That’s rough.’

  ‘There’s more.’

  Jez waited.

  Again Kelly hesitated. This was the bit she didn’t quite think she could say out loud because it sounded ludicrous. ‘She was famous, an actress.’

  Would I have heard of her?’

  ‘Probably’

  Fair play to Jez. She could tell he was struggling to conceal his intrigue. His eyebrow rose almost imperceptibly but he held his tongue, letting her tell him in her own sweet time. That was one nice thing about Jez, she never felt hassled or judged. He was too relaxed for that and not easily fazed. A bit more reaction would be welcome from time to time.

  ‘Ruby Valentine,’ she said. Let’s see how unfazed he was by that.

  ‘No way! Ruby Valentine’s dead?’

  ‘She died yesterday’

  ‘Shit.’ See the penny? Watch it drop. ‘Shit!’ There it goes ‘She’s your mother?’

  Kelly shrugged. ‘Apparently, yes. She was.’

  ‘Apparently?’

  ‘So my dad says.’

  ‘Well, he should know’

  ‘For some reason he seems to think that now she’s dead I might want to be aware of this. Doesn’t that seem a bit twisted to you?’

  ‘You didn’t know until now?’ Jez’s voice was becoming more high-pitched with every question and by now he sounded like a nine-year-old girl. He coughed and repeated himself in a more manly way. ‘You didn’t know?’ He was struggling to digest this bit of information. A classic movie buff since his early teens, he had always had a bit of a thing for Ruby And all this time he’d been unknowingly giving it to her daughter. That thought made him undeniably horny.

  He stared at Kelly intendy and she had a good idea why. He was looking for the family resemblance. Was this the way it was going to be from now on, would anyone who learned the truth inspect her as if wondering how Ruby Valentine’s genes could have produced such an unpretty picture? Kelly thought she scrubbed up okay if she put in the time but she rarely did.

  Jez touched her face. ‘Wow. You look just like her.’

  ‘Don’t lie. I mean, maybe I do a bit, but not really’

  ‘No, you do. It’s incredible.’

  Kelly covered her face with her hands. ‘Stop it,’ she said. ‘You’re freaking me out.’

  ‘I just can’t believe it. If you didn’t have the same eyes I’d swear you were winding me up. And she died? How? What happened?’

  ‘She killed herself.’

  ‘Nooooo!’

  ‘Allegedly. Pathetic, huh?’

  There was an odd little catch in her throat. It made Jez want to comfort her and he tried to put his arms around her again.

  ‘Don’t,’ she said. ‘I’m fine.’ She wished that Jez would leave. Talking to him was only confusing her further. Surely, she thought, if you knew me, if you saw me, if you really got me, then you would know exactly what to say to make me feel bet
ter. For the second time that day she tried to work out what kept them together.

  ‘So,’ he said after what would be regarded by some people as an awkward pause, but Jez never noticed when Kelly was sulking, ‘do you think she left you any money?’

  She snapped. ‘For God’s sake, Jez. Why do you care?’

  ‘I was just making conversation.’

  ‘My mother died and the first thing you have to say on the subject is did she leave me any money?’

  ‘Wait a sec, Kelly, the first thing I had to say was that I was sorry and that it must be rough, and I tried to give you a hug but you pushed me away and said it was no big deal.’

  ‘Well, it is a big deal, okay? Sometimes, when I say something’s all right, it’s not. Sometimes I’m just putting on a brave face.’

  ‘Well then, we need to have a signal for when it’s one of those times.’

  ‘We shouldn’t need to have a signal, she said. ‘You should just know.’

  They faced each across the narrow bed and Kelly knew this was her opportunity to say so much more, but couldn’t organize her tangled thoughts. Meanwhile, Jez was afraid to utter a single word. It was bound to be wrong, whatever it was. This didn’t stop his mind racing as he tried to think of what he could say to comfort her, wishing for divine inspiration to put the exact right words on his tongue.

  In the end Kelly broke the silence. She had never been able to communicate how she felt to Jez, so what had made her think that they could start now? With this? They should start on something smaller, like dinner plans or what to do on a Saturday night. ‘You should leave,’ she said. ‘I think I need to talk to my dad.’

  ‘Don’t do this, Kelly’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Push me away. I want to help you.’

  She didn’t like Jez to see her like this, vulnerable and unsure. She could hardly bear to look at herself in the mirror when she felt this way, let alone admit to it. And this was a very big deal, not a bad day at work or an argument with a friend. She had just found out the answer to her life’s most burning question but it had left a hollow feeling inside and she didn’t know how to make it go away. ‘This is my thing to deal with,’ she said, ‘not yours. I’ll be fine. Just let me deal with it.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s supposed to work like that.’

  ‘What’s not?’

  ‘You know… um. Love.’

  ‘Oh, shut up, Jez, let’s not pretend we’re in love.’

  Who’s pretending?’ He grabbed her wrist and put his own next to it. They had matching woven leather bracelets that they’d bought from the market in Penarth. She could remember buying them, she would always remember because it had seemed so utterly simple to be Kelly and Jez that day. She had never felt so chilled out in her life. It was midsummer and they’d taken a massive picnic to a spot overlooking the harbour and had followed the lazy arch of the sun for hours, sharing stories and kisses, with nothing to do but enjoy each other’s company. Sitting there, she had thought that maybe she could love him, maybe he was the one.

  They’d bought their bracelets just before sunset and solemnly tied the strands of battered brown leather on to each other’s wrists. They hadn’t tried to express in words what this meant, this small ceremony in the bustling street, but it had meant something to them both. They made a connection that day, the sort of connection that had been lacking these last few months. The romance was dead and gone.

  ‘If we’re not in love,’ he said, ‘then what’s going on with us?’

  His words reached her slowly, as if she was underwater. She struggled to fit what he was saying into the whirlwind that was currently her headspace. ‘Not tonight, Jez. Let’s not do this tonight. Please.’

  She could tell from the look on his face that she was hurting him. She didn’t like herself much for doing so, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to make him feel better. There was too much going on in there to make room for his bruised ego. Why did everything have to be about him? Couldn’t he see that she had more important things on her mind?

  ‘I’ll go,’ he said. ‘But I do love you, Kel. I thought you knew that.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said, but she couldn’t say it back. Lying would only make things worse. Deep down she knew that he was only trying to help, like a good boyfriend should, but every word out of his mouth grated on her tonight like nails screeching down a blackboard. It was better that he left.

  Kelly kissed Jez goodbye, feeling like a bitch.

  Downstairs Sean’s office was empty but the back door was unlocked and his boots and coat were gone from beside it. Kelly grabbed her own coat and started out into the night. She had a good idea of where he’d be.

  It had stopped raining and the wind had picked up, driving the clouds out to sea and revealing patches of the starred night between them. It was very dark but she found her way across the rough ground by memory; she could have made it blindfolded as she had walked this way almost every day since the first time she was able to totter about on two legs. Probably before that she’d crawled up here or been pushed. There was a garden bench set at the top of a gentle hill and as soon as she was close enough she could see a burning red dot which was the tip of Sean’s cigarette and she knew she’d guessed right.

  She paused to try to think what she would say to him. She finally had a chance to ask all those follow-up questions and she didn’t know where to start. Perhaps she should have made a list.

  Was she being over-dramatic? She knew that her life didn’t have to change one iota in light of this bombshell. What bothered her was how much she wanted it to. She had a steady boyfriend, a steady job, the sort of things that would make most people happy. But Kelly was starting to suspect that maybe she hadn’t been happy for quite some time. Perhaps that made her ungrateful. Or perhaps that meant that something had to change. She wasn’t the biggest fan of change, which was probably why she still lived in this house, in this town, in this mindset.

  Her feet scuffed at a stone which rattled down the pitted path. Sean turned and she could just about make out his features. He wasn’t crying, she was pleased to note. He wasn’t smiling either. If anything, he looked terrified.

  She felt a great wave of pity wash away her residual anger. He was probably sitting up here in his favourite spot worried that she would never forgive him. Of course she would. She had never met anyone in life that she trusted fully except for him and if he had made the decision not to tell her this, then he must have had his reasons. She wasn’t saying that she was ready to absolve him completely, not right this second obviously – she was more stubborn than that – but eventually she probably would, she had to face it.

  Sure enough, his first words were an apology. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart,’ he said. ‘I suppose you have every right to hate me.’

  She sat down next to him and took the cigarette out of his hand. She put it to her mouth because she wanted to, although she hadn’t smoked since she was about nineteen and even then she’d never really started, not properly. She inhaled the prickly smoke, waiting for him to admonish her, but he didn’t. The absence of fatherly concern was unsettling and she passed the cigarette back to him.

  ‘I don’t hate you,’ she said.

  ‘She never wanted you to know’

  ‘Why not? Was she… ashamed of me?’ That was one of the questions she’d never asked, one of the big ones.

  ‘Of course not,’ he said. ‘She loved you.’

  ‘Then why?’ The biggest question of them all.

  ‘It wasn’t easy,’ he said. ‘I’ve been here thinking about what happened. The agonies she put herself through to make that choice. She wanted to stay.’

  ‘But she didn’t.’

  ‘No.’

  He passed his cigarette back to her. She was oddly pleased. Apparently she’d started smoking. Oh well, if ever there was a good excuse. The shock was wearing off but opening this box of secrets was kind of scary.

  ‘Why now?’ she said. ‘Wh
y are you telling me today? I mean, I know she died and everything, but why wait all this time and then tell me when it’s too late to do anything about it?’

  Sean ground out his cigarette with his heel, then tucked the stub into an old tobacco tin. He didn’t like litter.

  ‘Yesterday,’ he said, ‘I got this.’ He passed her a folded piece of paper, a note. Kelly read it.

  Dear Sean

  She’s my daughter and I will remember her, Love always, Ruby V x

  It was handwritten; flowing penmanship with wide loops that Kelly immediately wanted to send away for handwriting analysis. She knew there were places that did that, she’d seen them advertised in the back pages of some magazine – which one? She couldn’t remember – but she’d be able to see what they could tell her about her mother. She was so engrossed in the lettering that she almost failed to take in the words. She was having trouble concentrating. That couldn’t be right, surely? This was probably one of the most important conversations she would ever have in her life. It was a picturesque evening and revelations were flying about like the evil contents of Pandora’s box. This should be a momentous and memorable occasion but the truth was that she was feeling a bit cold, absent-mindedly wondering if Sean was likely to roll another cigarette, and still trying to remember the name of that bloody magazine.

  ‘It came by FedEx,’ said Sean. ‘Just that one little note floating around in a thick cardboard envelope. I hadn’t heard from Ruby in a long while. I didn’t know what it meant.’

  Kelly regained her focus and read the note again. She didn’t know what it meant either.

  ‘I was thinking all last night,’ he said, ‘and then today, with the news and everything, I understood. If only I’d worked it out sooner maybe I could have stopped her, called someone, maybe she’d still be alive.’

  ‘You think this is a suicide note?’

  He nodded. ‘Partly.’

  ‘What else?’

  ‘She’s left you something in her will.’

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘I just do. I knew her, don’t forget. It was something she said, years ago.’