by Diane Saxon
He lifted his hand up to his face, squeezed the top of his nose with his fingers, and then looked directly at her. Flat and emotionless, he filled her with a sick trepidation of what was to come. The arm she’d braced herself on gave an unexpected quiver as her muscles weakened.
“No, Kate, I’m sorry but you’re not invited.”
The hurt cut through her like a finely sharpened scalpel, slicing a small sliver from her heart. She sat up, dragged the sheet with her for protection as she leaned against the headboard, and pulled her knees up close to her chest to protect it from the hurt she knew he was about to inflict.
“What are you telling me, Jack? That your family doesn’t want me there or you don’t?” She raised her chin, forced the ice in her voice. She’d seen death too many times not to be able to pull herself together and soldier on. This time, it was the death of her own heart, but she could face it head on. She’d faced worse in her life.
“It’s me. Me who doesn’t want you there,” he said with grim finality. “I think it would be awkward and possibly embarrassing.”
“Your family are an embarrassment?” she asked with cool skepticism and a deliberate misunderstanding.
“Hell, no.” He jerked up, making the bed bounce, and swung his legs off the side, presenting his back to her. He placed his head in his hands and blew out a breath, as though now he’d finished with her body, she was a damned irritation and he wished merely to be rid of her. That may be so, but she was also bristling with irritation, and she wasn’t about to let him off so easily.
“Ah, so it’s me. I embarrass you.” It wasn’t a question, but the overwhelming hush gave her the answer she hadn’t asked for regardless.
His beautiful muscles rippled across his back as he gently shook his head back and forth, but he said nothing.
The scalpel sliced another piece off her heart as she watched him grow even more uncomfortable in their discussion. She recognized how mortified he was with the question she’d raised. If only she had left it alone instead of assuming it had been an oversight. Now she knew he’d deliberately not asked her, and it was like opening a weeping wound, one that had silently festered away over the last few weeks. There was no point in just stitching it up again and ignoring the underlying infection, it had to be cauterized and cleansed before it could be repaired.
“You’re embarrassed for them to believe we’re together.”
“Look, Kate.” He blew out a breath as he glanced over his shoulder at her. His own annoyance rumbled through his deep Southern tones. “It’s just we said…dammit, we weren’t going to get serious and suddenly everyone expects us to be together all the time, they all think we’re a couple. It’s too much, this isn’t what I wanted. In fact, it’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen and hell, yes, I am embarrassed everyone thinks there’s far more here than there is.”
Kate’s spine almost cracked as she shot upright, insult firing her temper and loosening her tongue.
“Well, let me embarrass you a little further while I tell you that for me there is far more.” She paused while he shuffled around so he faced her. At least he had the decency to do that. “I love you.”
That got his attention. His mouth dropped open, the moonlight slashed over his hard glittering eyes. First there was the quick whip of shock followed by distrust.
She nodded, the frost melting faster than she needed it to as her throat closed around the sob threatening to escape. If she’d thought he might declare mutual feelings, she was delusional. Her voice, when it came out, was thick with tears.
“Yeah. I love you. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell you, so I wouldn’t scare you too much.” Disgust rode fast on the heels of her self-pity. “But this seems as good a time as any.” She waved her hand in front of her face to stem the onslaught of tears and then pressed her fingers against her mouth to stop the quiver of her lips.
“I thought we had something, you know. I thought perhaps it would take you a little longer to come around to the idea, but after tonight…what we just did.” She flicked her hand toward the bed. “I thought it meant more to you. I meant more.” She dragged in a breath and held it in while she gathered the strength to go on.
“I care,” he murmured.
“You care.” The strength she needed stiffened her spine and slashed through her voice. “How insulting. I tell you I love you, and you say you care. I know we said we wouldn’t get involved, but we are. Or I am. I love you, Jack.” She watched him cringe as she said the words again, and the pain sliced deeper.
She stared at him for a moment longer, her heart a trembling mess as she realized the futility. “You know, I thought it might take you a little longer than me anyway, but Jack, you don’t care about me. Certainly nowhere near enough or you would never worry about people thinking we’re together…” Her voice faltered and stopped.
He gave her a sharp look. Horror streaked over his face as her tears started to gather. She lifted her chin and let him see the damage he’d caused through his carelessness.
“Don’t you dare cry.” He leaped from the bed, terror in every jerky move he made. His fists clenched by his side. “Tears aren’t going to work.”
She knew they wouldn’t soften his resolve, but they served to horrify him while a flicker of sad amusement lightened her heart. The poor man was terrified of tears and emotions.
“I'm not Charlotte, you know.” His eyes narrowed to slits as though the sound of the woman’s name from her lips offended him. “It was never my intention to trap you. I wouldn’t want a man who didn’t love me as much as I love him.” With a sigh, she realized how pointless it all was. “I’m sorry.” But she wasn’t. Not for her tears. Only for the mistake she’d made. She couldn’t find an ounce of pity in her as he fidgeted, his gaze darting around the room as he tried to find an escape route.
“Look, how about I give you some time? I’ll take a shower.” He scrubbed his hands over his pained face, his gaze on her as a tear escaped her, despite the rapid blink to stop it. “If you get dressed. It may be best if I take you back to your place.” Regret filled his warm brown eyes as he scurried to the bathroom. “Perhaps we need a break, some time apart.” The door closed between them with a quiet snick.
The sound was like a gunshot to her. It freed her from her self-pity and opened her to a flood of other emotions. Betrayal, disgust, fury. Betrayal because she thought she’d meant so much more. Disgust because she’d been so blinded by her own love she’d failed to see that he really didn’t want her. Fury that she’d wasted her love on a man who was incapable of returning it.
She smacked her forehead on her knees as wild embarrassment flooded her, sending heat to race over her naked skin.
He hadn’t just been putting up a defense, he really didn’t want to be with anyone. She was such a fool. He was about to politely take her back to her place and drop her off. It would be so civilized. A quiet end to their association while he drove her home and she sobbed in the cab of his truck. She didn’t think she could bear it. She was stronger than that. She whipped her head up and stared at her nakedness covered by the rumpled sheet while a rapid flow of adrenaline rushed through her system.
With one swift move, she leaped out of the bed and threw on her clothes. Her heart beat heavy in the base of her throat as she cast an anxious glance at the bathroom door.
The shower was still running, but she suppressed the overwhelming desire to let her imagination run riot with the image of Jack in there naked.
Aware he couldn’t hear her, she still remained silent as she slipped her shoes on her feet, focused on her next move.
Her breath coming in short hitches, she raced through his living room and grabbed her purse off the sofa and his truck keys from the small table where he’d left them. She paused as the sound of water was shut off, and then she swept through his kitchen and snicked the door shut behind her.
When she climbed into his truck, her fingers shook, the pain of restrained sobs wracked t
hrough her chest, but she wouldn’t let them take over. She straightened in the huge, leather seat, stretched her legs so she could reach the pedals, and blew out a controlled breath as she concentrated on firing the engine of the big truck. She couldn’t allow herself to feel. Not yet.
It was after two o’clock in the morning when she eventually stepped into her apartment. It had been a long night, and from the sound of the ringing telephone it wasn’t over yet.
“What have you done with my goddamned truck?” he snarled when she picked up the receiver, not even waiting for her to speak.
“Thank you, yes I’m back safe and sound. Thank you so much for your heartfelt concern.” The ice queen was back. Her lady of the manor voice exuded coolness, but underneath she still heard the husky tones of unshed tears.
“Never mind, where is it? If you’ve damaged it, I’ll—”
“You obviously don’t know who you’re talking to, Jack.” She cut through his tirade. Her voice was more authoritative, edged with the offence she felt at his suggestion she would deliberately damage his truck. “You really don’t know me at all, do you?” Her voice was beyond cool as she allowed icicles to drip while her heart froze. “I would never resort to something so juvenile and stupid. Your truck’s safe.” There was a long pause while she composed herself. “I left it at the Jailhouse, I gave the keys to Sean.”
“Oh!”
There was a long silence on the end of the phone. No apology. What was he waiting for?
“Grow up, Jack,” she whispered just before she hung up on him.
Chapter Fourteen
It wasn’t so very hard to work when her heart was broken. It was a simple matter of getting out of bed to go through the motions of life in order to fill her day. At work her mind clicked into gear and away she went. Never a hesitation, never a wrong step. Perhaps she wasn’t as cheerful as everyone was used to. Maybe she did notice the sideways glances, the curious stares, the little flashes of pity as she caught someone’s gaze. But the nurses still did as they were asked, they passed instruments off the trolley just as they always had. Without attitude. Without much of anything either. No one asked her how her evenings had been anymore.
Of course everyone would know. How would they not know in a town that size? It wouldn’t have taken long for word to get around that she’d dropped Jack’s truck off a few nights previously and left the keys with Sean. There was a definite air of anticipation as though people waited. Waited for what, she wasn’t quite sure. It wasn’t as though she were the type to go into meltdown, so there would never be any dramatics worth reporting from her viewpoint.
As for Jack, she hadn’t heard so much as a whisper of his name on anyone’s lips. She was fairly sure they were both being talked about, but never once did anyone mention him in front of her. Nor, she noticed, had she been invited out. None of the doctors, none of the nurses. Not even for coffee. Not that she was going out for coffee these days. She just sat in the staff room on her own while the rest of the crew went about their own business.
After all, how could she risk running in to Jack right now with her heart in bits? She’d never realized just how much physical pain you could endure when your heart had been broken. From a doctor’s viewpoint she would have said it was impossible to feel the physical pain of a broken heart. From a woman’s perspective she knew all too well the crippling agony she suffered. The sheer willpower she enlisted just to keep tears inside for eighteen hours a day almost brought her to her knees. The six hours of sleep she managed each night had started to take its toll.
She met her own gaze in the mirror and wondered what advice she would give to a patient whose skin appeared pale and worn, whose dull eyes had dark smudges underneath, and who’s normally upturned mouth seemed to have dropped. What she needed, she realized, was a break. She’d been there almost five months without taking a day’s vacation, and she was entitled to vacation. If she’d been her own patient, the advice she’d have given was to have a break. Get away. Go home.
Once she realized the wisdom of her own advice, it didn’t take her long to set it up with the hospital manager. There was absolutely no argument when she requested a fortnight away, starting in two days’ time, which was the first day she had been able to get a flight home.
Home. That’s what she needed. Her heart ached to see her family. She would just need to walk in to her mother’s arms, feel the steady beat of her father’s heart, and she knew she would feel so much better. Of course they were going to wonder what was going on, seeing as the last time they’d spoken she’d been just about the happiest woman on the planet. She didn’t want to burden them with worry when she was so far away. Lydia would worry. It would be better to see them. They’d know she was safe.
Once the arrangements were made, she knew there was one last thing she needed to do before she left. That was cut the final ties.
»»•««
Six days.
It had been six days since Kate had walked out on him. That’s how he saw it. She’d walked out. Left him. Everyone in the station knew, and they avoided him and his grizzly temper. Except Bill, she never avoided him. She was at him, a constant thorn in his side, she prodded and poked for the details. He told her nothing, just Kate had walked out on him. She had too. He’d been about to do the decent thing, take her back to her apartment, let them both cool off, give them a little distance, but no, she’d walked out.
No one had ever walked away from Jack T Swann before. No one would ever be allowed a second chance. He didn’t run after women; they ran after him. That’s the way it had always been.
He bumped his forehead onto the desk, but it didn’t distract from the pain in his chest. Perhaps he was about to have a heart attack. He should seek out some medical advice.
Not from the good doctor, Kate Marsden.
She’d claimed to love him, but she’d left. Just like that. With far more ease than he could have. She’d turned her back and gone and not even attempted to contact him. Well she was the one who left, so she should be the one who apologized.
He came to his feet and paced across his office to stare out the window. She should crawl back to him on her belly.
But there was no heat in the thought. He’d have her back under any circumstances. He’d never been so lonely. So alone. When the hell had she managed to wind her way into his heart? How had she managed to occupy his every thought?
He scrubbed the top of his head and ran his fingers through his hair. He needed it cut, but he couldn’t get up the interest to make an appointment.
Sunday had been hell at the christening. His entire family had asked where she was, they’d expected her. Sam had told them how lovely she was. Mac and Bill had already sung her praises, and his grandmother’s curiosity had gotten the better of her. It just made him madder than hell. Couldn’t they see they were pushing him in a direction he didn’t want to go? Couldn’t they see they were just making it worse? Why did they all have to assume he was in love with her? He had a mind and heart of his own, didn’t he? He could make up his own mind, couldn’t he? His heart was safe, wasn’t it? Of course he didn’t love her. Why would anyone think he did?
He flopped back into his leather chair and slammed his feet on his desk. How was he supposed to focus on his work with thoughts of the blonde doctor possessing every one of his brain cells?
His concentration was shot to pieces, his eyes red-rimmed from lack of sleep, his face rugged and unshaven, but he stayed in his office with his door shut for long hours, not really wanting to go home. Not that it seemed empty without Kate. It wasn’t that at all. Her scent no longer lingered, not since he’d boil washed his bedding and scrubbed his bathroom. He could do without any reminders of her. In fact, there weren’t any reminders. She hadn’t left a single thing that belonged to her—except the Stetson. He’d have to think about returning it to her, after all he’d had it specially made. It seemed a shame to let it go to waste.
It was as though the very power of his though
ts conjured her up as he watched her glide by his window, toward the main jailhouse entrance. She couldn’t see him through the tinted windows, but she probably knew he was there. Her back was straight as a ramrod. The ice hadn’t thawed yet, but it was about time she came to her senses.
He slipped his feet from the desk, wandered across the office to open the door, and leaned negligently against the frame as though he’d been there a while before she walked into the jailhouse.
If she’d come to apologize, he’d accept it.
Jack’s eyes met Kate’s across the silent room. Hers were huge cool blue pools in a pale, drawn face, and something more than just guilt stabbed him in the gut. He’d made a mistake, but she was back and she was going to put it right.
He took in every square inch of her, every nuance. She may have lost a little weight, or it could just be the drape of the white linen shirt over her slender body, tucked into figure-hugging pale blue jeans. He couldn’t remember seeing her look quite so casual. It suited her. Her long blonde hair was scraped back from her forehead in a high ponytail kicking out from the top of her head.
The dark smudges beneath her eyes gave his chest a painful squeeze. He was responsible for those marks. He didn’t want to be responsible for her bruised feelings.
Aware of the avid attention they’d attracted, Jack warred between his pride and the desire to throw himself at her feet and beg her to come home. He’d be a laughing stock, but Christ, he’d missed her.
Annoyed with himself for allowing the vision of her to soften his heart, he waited for her to speak.
“Jack.”
“Kate.”
Her chest expanded as she drew in a deep shaky breath, and he held his while he waited for her to speak.
“I wondered if I might have a moment of your time.”
The shadows in her eyes tugged at his heart, but it had been her who’d walked out on him. If she got him alone, she’d have him crawling.
“Sure, go ahead.”