‘These are his notes.’ Sarah handed a file of papers to Fizz. ‘The doctor visited yesterday and the district nurse helped me with all the medications. His DNR paper is in there, too. He really doesn’t want to be...to be...’
‘I understand.’
It was clear to Fizz that this patient was going to die very soon. His breathing did sound very distressed but a gentle examination after she’d quickly scanned all his notes told her that Tim was as comfortable as possible. It was the rattle of accumulating fluid that was making his breathing sound so upsetting for Sarah and she had medication that could help with that.
Cooper came close as she was drawing up the medication into a syringe. ‘I’m going to call Andy and tell him we may be here for a while,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t want to intrude but I don’t think we can leave Sarah without support.’
‘Of course not.’ It could be a matter of minutes but it could be hours. Cooper had to be aware of the kind of costs involved in keeping a rescue crew out of action but, if he was, he wasn’t going to let it stop him doing what he felt was the right thing to do.
And he knew exactly how to handle this situation. He helped Sarah adjust Tim’s pillows and to wipe his face and put salve on his lips.
‘This is the most beautiful place,’ he said quietly. ‘So peaceful.’
‘It was Tim’s family’s bach,’ Sarah told him. ‘When he knew he was going to die, this was where he wanted to be. Where he’d had so much fun on summer holidays when he was a kid. It was where we met... I was staying with friends up the beach a bit when I was fifteen. He was seventeen and...and...’ She had tears rolling down her face. ‘And I don’t know what to do now... I thought I would but I don’t because it’s just too hard...’
‘Okay...’ Cooper’s voice was calm. ‘Come and sit on the bed, beside Tim. Lie down beside him if that feels right. Hold his hand. Or cuddle him. Talk to him. He can probably hear you but, even if he can’t, he’ll know you’re here with him.’
‘Really?’ Sarah’s whisper was another sob but Cooper nodded.
‘I think so.’ He took her hand and helped her climb onto the bed.
‘The thing Tim needs right now is to be held by someone who loves him.’ Cooper’s voice was so gentle that Fizz felt the sting of tears in her eyes. ‘It’s what he needs and it’s what you need, too, Sarah.’
Sarah had her head on the pillows beside Tim’s and she was wrapping her arms around her husband.
‘We’re going to leave you alone,’ Cooper added quietly. ‘If that’s what you want.’
‘It’s...it’s what I promised but...but I’m scared...’
‘I know.’ Cooper touched her arm. ‘But we’ll be close. If you need anything at all, just call, okay? We’ll hear you.’
The danger of her tears escaping had Fizz out of the room before Cooper. This wasn’t her. She dealt with life-threatening emergencies and she had dealt with death on many occasions. And, yes, of course she felt sad when she lost a patient. Devastated, sometimes. But she didn’t dissolve into tears. Ever. She’d decided years ago that she’d simply used up her lifetime supply of them when Hamish had been killed. Having to blink away the extra moisture in her eyes in this moment was...well...it was strange enough to be disturbing.
She wandered away from the road, where the fire truck had been joined by a police car now. Round the corner of the house, she could sit on a driftwood log that was just to one side of the glass doors of the main room. She could see the beach and the soothing curl of the breaking waves and would hear if she was called for some reason, but she could also stay out of view of where Tim and Sarah were sharing such an intense and tragic farewell.
That was why she was in bits, Fizz decided. It was all just too close to home. A young couple being forced apart for ever, with all their hopes and dreams for the future being torn away at the same time.
There was room on the log for Cooper when he came to find her a few minutes later.
‘Andy’s on a park a few miles up the coast. If he’s needed for an emergency, he’ll take off back to the city but come and get us later.’
Fizz nodded. ‘I don’t think we’ll be here all that long.’
‘No.’
There was a wealth of things being left unsaid in that short word. The acknowledgement that a young life was ending. That there was nothing they would be able to do to help with all the grief and disruption to lives that was happening and would continue for a very long time. But Cooper had already done so much to help. The depth of his understanding of exactly what to do in such an intense situation had blown Fizz away. She still felt curiously overwhelmed and just a little bit wobbly.
‘How did you know,’ she asked quietly, ‘how to handle that so well?’
Cooper was silent for a long moment. Then he took a deep breath and let it out in a slow sigh.
‘I told you my brother died. My twin brother, Connor.’
Fizz nodded. She kept her gaze on Cooper’s face but he wasn’t looking at her. He leaned down and picked up a shell from the ground in front of them.
‘We were sixteen,’ he told her. ‘Away for the weekend for some hiking and a bit of climbing in the Cairngorms, which is a gorgeous mountain range in the eastern highlands of Scotland. Connor got a bit carried away and took a risk with a ridge. Long story short, he fell and was critically injured. Chest and abdo injuries but mostly it was his head. He was unconscious from the moment he fell. There were other people nearby and they called for help and the next thing I knew, a helicopter was there and paramedics were trying to save Connor’s life.’
There was another moment of silence in which Fizz could actually feel the depth of emotion Cooper was dealing with here. She wanted to take hold of his hand but he was still playing with that shell. Instead, she leaned a bit closer, so that her shoulder was touching his.
‘I was standing there, watching them,’ Cooper continued quietly. ‘And, even though I knew nothing about anything medical, I could see that it wasn’t going well. I’d seen enough TV shows to know what a flat line on a monitor screen meant, even if it wasn’t there all the time. I could feel my world just falling away and I was going with it, into the most terrifying black hole that ever was.
‘And...and then one of those paramedics came and put his arm around me and he explained what was happening and how hard they were trying to help Connor, and...it was a lifeline. Something I could hang onto so that I didn’t disappear completely into that black hole. They were amazing, those guys. They got Connor to hospital alive and took me in the helicopter with them and made it seem like I was doing a really important job as well, just being with my brother and talking to him. Touching him. They told me he could probably hear me. That he would know I was there...’
Cooper dropped the shell and rubbed his face with his hand. ‘That was when I decided I was going to become a paramedic,’ he said. ‘I thought, if I could ever offer that kind of lifeline to anyone in such an awful situation, it would be a really worthwhile thing to do.’
Fizz nodded. ‘You did exactly that for Sarah,’ she told him. ‘You were...amazing...’
She caught Cooper’s gaze as she spoke and suddenly she was completely caught. She couldn’t look away. Because she could see so much of what he was feeling in his eyes? The kind of grief he understood so well. How much he cared for others. The sheer enormity of how kind this man was...
It was Cooper who broke the eye contact. ‘I might just go and have a peep around the door,’ he said, getting to his feet. ‘Sarah won’t know I’m there but I’d like to know that she’s coping. It’s romantic that they wanted to be alone together for this but...well...we both know how hard it can be, don’t we?’
Fizz stayed where she was. Without thinking, she reached down and picked up the shell that Cooper had been toying with when he’d been telling her about his brother. She curled her fingers around i
ts sharp edges.
It wasn’t just Cooper’s physical size that made him seem so solid, it was his personality. That kindness and caring made him completely trustworthy.
A human rock.
Weirdly, Fizz felt the sting of gathering tears for the second time that day. The second time that decade, probably.
This time it wasn’t because of memories of grief. Maybe it was because of that feeling of longing a human rock could provoke—the desire to cling? Fizz had learned a long time ago not to cling to anything or anyone but how comforting would it be to have someone you could cling to if you needed to?
Whoever captured Cooper Sinclair’s heart in the future would have a human rock for the rest of her life. Fizz could only hope that she would know how incredibly lucky she was.
Having lost of track of how long she’d been sitting on the log, the quiet call from Cooper startled her.
‘Fizz?’
‘Yes?’ She still had the shell in her hand as she got to her feet. Without thinking, she slipped it into her pocket.
‘He’s gone. Sarah says it was very peaceful in the end. The police can take over and they’re going to give her as much time as she needs before they make any arrangements to transport Tim, but we need you to do the official paperwork.’
‘Of course.’
‘The firies are going to take us to where Andy’s got the chopper parked after that.’ Cooper offered a lopsided smile. ‘Have you had a ride in a fire engine before?’
‘Can’t say I have.’ The next few minutes were not going to be easy. Having a moment of relief being offered was welcome. ‘Working with you is just one big adventure, isn’t it, Coop?’
‘We’ve just got started, babe,’ he murmured as they headed back to the door of the beach house. ‘The best is yet to come.’
CHAPTER SEVEN
COOPER WASN’T THE only one who could provide a bit of adventure.
Not that Fizz had initially had that intention when she’d offered to take him sightseeing when one of their days off coincided a couple of weeks later.
‘I thought you might like to visit Featherston, which isn’t too far away and is a great example of a small New Zealand town. I happen to know where there’s a really good place to have lunch.’
She knew every street of the town, in fact.
‘This is where I grew up,’ she told Cooper as they drove around after an excellent pub lunch of fish and chips. ‘In that house right there.’ She stopped the car as they both gazed at the small weatherboard cottage. It was disappointing to see that the garden was so overgrown. ‘My grandfather built it. My mother was born there.’
‘And she inherited the house? Is that why you grew up there?’
‘No.’ Fizz pulled away again, heading for the town’s main street. ‘My grandparents brought me up. Well, my nan did, mostly. Grandpa died when I was about ten.’
Cooper’s glance was sharp. Cautious. Was he worried that he might say or do something inappropriate? Did he expect to feel mortified very soon—the way he had when he’d misunderstood why her marriage had been so short-lived?
‘My mother’s not dead,’ Fizz reassured him. ‘I’m just not actually that close to her. She got pregnant far too young and decided she still wanted to have a life. She’d pop home occasionally and promise that she’d come and get me as soon as she’d got herself settled somewhere but it never quite happened. As far as I know, she’s living happily with her third husband somewhere in Australia. I was the one who inherited the house but I sold it to pay my way through medical school.’
She glanced sideways at some of the newly refurbished buildings they were passing on the main street. ‘I should have kept it. Property prices have had a very healthy increase since people realised that it was in easy commuting distance of Wellington but... I guess it felt like there wasn’t much keeping me here. Especially after Nan died.’
She didn’t let a silence develop to where Cooper might start feeling sorry for her. Or to start feeling sorry for herself, for that matter. It wasn’t pleasant to remember those crushing childhood disappointments. Those promises her mother had always made but never kept. Visits that she was going to make. Holidays that they were going to take together. A new home to go to with a new husband so that they could all live together happily ever after.
‘Hey...’ Fizz stamped on the ancient echoes of being let down. ‘How ’bout we do something a bit more exciting before we go home?’
Cooper gave her a slightly wary look. ‘I know what “exciting” means in your vocabulary. Does this involve the need for protective clothing of any sort?’
‘No.’ Fizz threw him a grin. ‘You don’t even need to get out of the car if you don’t want to.’
‘Where are we going?’
‘Somewhere cool. With a bit of a breeze probably, which will blow a few cobwebs away.’ Like the ones that seemed to be hiding in the corners of her old home town. And her heart. ‘You up for it?’
His glance was thoughtful now. As if he was weighing up what she’d said. ‘Why not?’ He finally nodded. ‘It’s always good to blow cobwebs away.’
There was indeed a stiff sea breeze when they arrived at Ocean Beach after a picturesque drive mainly though farmland. She showed him the quaint, weathered little holiday houses that stretched along part of the beach and then took him on a track she’d been on before with the four-wheel-drive club. The road got rough enough at times to make Fizz focus hard on her driving, especially when there was a steep drop on the beach side as they wound their way around the edge of a hill. There was a deeply rutted track through trees with puddles big enough to send up a wall of muddy water and rocky streams to navigate, which bounced them around and made them both laugh with the fun of it all.
Finally, Fizz parked on the rock-strewn black sand, amongst all the driftwood, and got out of the car to breathe in the salty air and watch the wild waves crashing onto this deserted shore.
Cooper got out as well.
‘Where are we exactly?’
‘That’s Palliser Bay out there.’ Fizz pointed out to sea. ‘And the South Island is that way, only it’s a bit too far to see from this point.’
Cooper turned his head, taking in the endless beach, the rugged green hills of the farmland nearby and the distant peaks of the Rimutakas in the background.
‘It’s gorgeous,’ he said. ‘Reminds me of Scotland.’
‘Are you homesick?’
‘Not at all. There’s nothing there for me now.’
He turned back towards the sea but Fizz was still looking at him. She was curious, she realised. She wanted to know what he’d meant by that or, rather, how he felt about that. She had been shocked to learn about his twin brother’s death and how terrible it must have been for Cooper. On top of the case they were attending to at the time, it had been such an emotional day Fizz had needed a bit of time to process it all. Even now, she could feel a lump forming in her throat. She stepped over a pile of sun-bleached branches and went to sit on the trunk of an entire driftwood tree with its roots still intact.
Cooper came to sit beside her a couple of minutes later. ‘You okay?’ he asked. ‘You’ve gone kind of quiet.’
Fizz caught his gaze and, instantly, she was reminded of how she’d seen him that first day. As a human rock. Trustworthy. As trustworthy as Hamish had been and he’d been the first person, apart from her grandparents, that she could trust to keep his word.
‘I was just thinking about the last time we were near a beach together,’ she said quietly. ‘I’ve been wondering quite a lot about how Sarah’s coping.’
‘Hopefully she’s got family and friends who are helping her.’
‘Mmm.’
‘Did you?’ Cooper slung his arm around her shoulders in a companionable gesture. ‘Have plenty of support when you needed it? When Hamish died?’
It fel
t so natural to tilt her head to find the comfortable hollow beneath his shoulder. ‘I think I pushed people away,’ she admitted. ‘They were all there for the funeral, of course. Even my mother. And Hamish’s parents were great and... I know they didn’t blame me for the accident but it felt like I reminded them of what they’d lost every time they saw me. That they’d never see their son become a father. Or see their grandchildren grow up. They just kind of faded out of my life, I guess. And my friends stopped trying after a while.’
She’d told him about what had made her become an adrenaline junkie but she’d skated over that dark period. It was another thing she’d never told anybody.
‘Sometimes,’ she added quietly, ‘what you’re feeling is so powerful it sucks you in and it makes you push away anything that tries to pull you out. If you push often enough and hard enough, most people will go away eventually.’
‘Not the people who really love you,’ Cooper said. ‘You might think you’ve pushed them away but they’re always ready to come back.’
‘You sound like you’re speaking from personal experience.’
‘Perhaps. I didn’t push people away. I think I was the one who got pushed. Until I felt I had to hide so I didn’t make everything worse.’
Fizz tilted her head to look up at Cooper’s face. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘You know how you told me that when Hamish died, it felt like someone had taken your life and screwed it up and thrown it away?’
She nodded.
‘It was the same for me. Only it was even worse for my mother. She never got over losing Connor.’
‘They didn’t blame you, did they?’
‘No more than I blamed myself. We all knew that Connor was headstrong, and sometimes he just wouldn’t listen, but the “if onlys” were hard to get past. If only we hadn’t gone climbing that weekend. If only it hadn’t been raining earlier. If only I’d paid more attention to what he was doing instead of trying to light a fire to cook the breakfast sausages over. If only we hadn’t looked so much like each other...’ Cooper blew out a breath. ‘Every time my mother looked at me, I knew she was seeing Connor. Sometimes she’d actually go pale and then collapse with grief all over again.’
Resisting Her Rescue Doc Page 10