If I Were You (Science Fiction & Fantasy Short Stories Collection)

by L. Ron Hubbard

  Schmidt recognized clearly that this extraordinary situation might well lead to an exposition of his former self. Therefore it behooved him, as soon as possible, to obtain the neat cache he had made and wipe out all existing records and letters now in his safe. This done, he would be less apprehensive and could, if necessary, grab a red light and be gone, though now merely a midget, with his gains, leaving the usurper of his true body to face the music.

  There was only one disadvantage to this, and that lay with the person who had stolen his identity, for that person now had the only keys to the white wagon. However, his sudden smallness had not deflated Schmidt’s courage. He would wait for the usurper, attempt to get the keys. Failing that, he would carry out the rest of his plan.

  And so it came about that when Little Tom Little betook his Schmidtly self up the steps of the white wagon and inserted a key in the lock, he was not the only one who entered.

  As the midget slammed shut the door behind them, Tommy leaped a foot, whirling. From Schmidt’s malevolent expression, it was plain that something horrible was about to happen.

  “You,” said Schmidt, in his now piping midget voice, “are going to do something about this!”

  Tommy momentarily forgot his stature. Not unlike a midget, he had never been very long on courage when it came to physical conflict, but so engrossed was he with his determination to direct the show, if only once, that he made a stern show of it.

  “Why should I?” he said, flicking his great black boots with his riding crop and staring down at the midget Schmidt.

  “I don’t know the game,” snarled Schmidt, “but you won’t live long enough to get anything on me!” And, so saying, he made a sudden motion at a drawer and Tommy found himself staring at a very large gun in a very steady hand. For an instant he was very nervous.

  Then, “Go ahead and shoot. This is your body—if you want to mess it up that’s okay with me.”

  Uncertainly the gun wavered down, inch by inch. Schmidt was comparing their respective statures while he racked his brain for some means to outwit Tommy and overcome him.

  Before Schmidt could assert himself again, there came a sharp rap on the door. Schmidt made as though to open it, recollected himself and stood back. In the blank darkness of failure, he could think of only one course: to throw open the safe and snatch up the file cases. Cramming his pockets full of letters and notebooks, he backed hastily into the lavatory.

  The impatient rapping continued and the knob was rattled. Without understanding what Schmidt was trying to get away with, for there certainly was no egress from the lavatory, Tommy heeded the anxiety of those knocks.

  Betty flung herself into the room. Her face alternately burned and went cold with the intensity of her emotion. She stood against the closed door, as though blocking another out.

  “Hermann,” she cried, “he’s coming! He saw me leave here this morning and he’s on his way now! He’ll tear this place apart!”

  “Who?” said Tommy blankly.

  “My husband! Hermann, for the love of heaven, don’t stand there staring! Give me my letters and let me go! My letters, do you hear? He’ll find them!”

  Tommy looked dazedly at the lovely girl and then at the gutted safe. In the forward compartment of the wagon, Schmidt evidently had the required epistles. And because he had only a faint glimmering of what this was about, Tommy made no move to open the lavatory door until it was too late.

  Another had entered the wagon.

  Like a thundercloud which blankets the land in darkness, Mrs. Johnson dimmed the wagon. There was no hurry to her movements, only vengeful promise. She looked the terrified girl over from the toes of her slippers to the tip of her tinsel crown—and then, with curling lip, she took in the man she thought was Schmidt.

  “If I interrupt your tryst,” said the governor acidly, “forgive me.”

  “No, no!” cried Betty. “You don’t understand!”

  “I am afraid that I do—entirely too well. This accounts for many things! At least some of my people are faithful to me. When they told me that you had come here, I did not want to believe. But now that I see it with my own eyes—”

  Betty was staring wildly past her across the lot. She made an unsuccessful attempt to get by the older woman, but was thrown back.

  “Let me go!” Betty moaned. “You don’t understand! He’ll kill me if he finds me here!”

  “And quite fitting, too!” said Mrs. Johnson. “I shall make certain that I see it. Schmidt, you have five minutes to pack and leave this lot. And if you ever try to get a job with another circus, you’ll find that I am still respected in the business—if not by you, then by other companies.”

  “Wait!” cried Tommy, all befuddled. “What’s happened? What have I done?”

  The old harridan bared her teeth and perhaps would have made a scorching answer, had not she been thrust aside.

  The only sound in the stillness was spots in the big top, for the show had already begun. And that gay blatting of brass was much out of place in this atmosphere of murder.

  Jerry Gordon’s bronzed chest heaved and his great muscles corded and uncorded as he gripped his blank gun and his whip. In his eyes was the look of his own cats intent upon a kill.

  Betty threw herself upon him with a sharp cry. “Jerry! Jerry, you don’t understand!”

  He spurned her with his boot, never taking his eyes off the man he took for Schmidt.

  Tommy had begun to sweat. In all his career he had stood undaunted before crowds, had given vent to mockery and sarcasm without stint. But at the slightest threat of physical pain, he had always shrunk away. And now, forgetting his own strength, forgetting that he was no longer thirty inches tall, he backed hastily away from the anger which blasted him.

  Jerry Gordon moved ahead, cold intent plain in his every move.

  At the door a man yelled, “Hey, Mrs. Johnson!” But the suspense in the room was too much for her to forsake it even with a glance.

  “Mrs. Johnson!” cried another voice outside.

  Impatiently she looked around at the clamor and saw two stakers who, between them, held a midget helpless in their strong grasps.

  “We found ’im droppin’ out of a back window,” said a staker. “You said to watch this place, and this guy’s got a mitt fulla dough!”

  Tommy, as Schmidt, was not paying much heed to what they were saying. All he saw was Jerry Gordon advancing with the full intention of making hamburger out of him, and there on the steps his own true self, wholly unmenaced by a whip, gun and brawn.

  It was so automatic that he hardly had to think to do it. Just zip! and it was over. Tommy was standing on the steps, once more thirty inches tall, looking with keen relief upon an astounded Schmidt being advanced upon by Jerry Gordon. Let Schmidt get out of his own messes as best he could! Let him be expelled from the camp! To the devil with being a ringmaster, anyhow!

  Gordon raised his whip and brought it sizzling down. It seemed inevitable that it would take the ringmaster’s head from his shoulders. But no! Up came the crop to fend, and out shot a cannonball fist to knock Gordon almost out of the white wagon.

  Gordon, staggering, again prepared to leap into the fray. But Schmidt roared, “Stand where you are, you fool! You’ve made enough mistakes for one day!”

  “When I’ve done with you,” cried Gordon, “we’ll see who was right!”

  “Right!” bellowed Schmidt in icy rage. “Tell me what you think is wrong!”

  “You know already,” snapped Gordon.

  “If I did, would I ask you?”

  “You devil!” cried Gordon. “You steal my wife and then you’ve got the gall to throw it in my teeth!”

  He started to attack once more. And once more Schmidt’s brute force stopped him, held him in a vise.

  “Your wife? Why, you idiot, what would I have to do with your wife? If a performer cannot transact business with me in my office without a foolish has-been trailing around for ‘vengeance,’ then the business
has changed—changed more than I want to see it. Bah, you simpleton! She knows that you are failing. She knows that I contemplated throwing out your act in midseason, contract or no contract. And she came to plead for you. She came to beg me not to break your heart. And because she humbles herself for the likes of you, you are willing to debase her character before all these people, to accuse her of vileness which never could have occurred in her lovely head! And you call yourself a man, Gordon? You have the nerve to stand before us after that, Gordon? Apologize to Betty, or I’ll have your heart!”

  Bewildered, Gordon turned to his wife, but he could read nothing from her tear-stained face but shame, and that he read wrong.

  “Forgive me . . . Betty,” he said.

  “There’s a show going on,” said Schmidt, “in case you have failed to notice it. For the moment, Gordon, we’ll retain you despite your cesspool suspicions. And because, Mrs. Johnson, you could not run this show at all were it not for me, I’ll accept your apologies and condescend to stay on, at least until you can find another ringmaster and manager. Now clear out while I straighten myself up. Bah, what fools you are!”

  Betty and Gordon sought to leave. Mrs. Johnson, feeling very much ashamed of herself, wrung her hands. “Hermann—”

  “Yes!” gruffly.

  “Hermann . . . can you forgive me?”

  “We’ll talk of that later. Clear out and let me change!”

  But the group on the steps stood firm. The two stakers were too single-track of mind not to remember that they held a captive. Mrs. Johnson backed into them, and almost stepped on Tommy.

  “What we gonna do with this guy?” begged a staker. “He’s got his mitts full of dough, and we caught him comin’ outa the back windows.”

  Schmidt pushed them back from Tommy and stood there on a higher step, looking amusedly down at the midget. But the amusement in his eyes was of an awful kind, and Tommy shuddered.

  Schmidt yanked the filing cases out of Tommy’s hands. “The day’s take,” said Schmidt, looking meaningly at Mrs. Johnson. “That back window is always open. It would not admit a grown man, but it would certainly let in a midget. I think we have here,” he said with satisfaction, “the reason why we have been losing money with such regularity.”

  “Wh-What?” gasped Tommy. “Why . . . you know you—”

  “Go ahead,” said Schmidt. “Lie out of it if you can!” He looked again at Mrs. Johnson as though to say, “Wait till you hear this!”

  But all Tommy said was “Ulp.”

  “Tommy,” said Mrs. Johnson. “I can’t . . . can’t believe that you—”

  “There’s the evidence,” said Schmidt. “Listen, you two,” he ordered the stakers, “take this fellow into the pad room and hold him until after the show. We’ll get John Law to look out for him, after that.”

  Tommy swallowed hard and felt tears of rage welling up. But what could he do? He was the only one who had any true knowledge of Schmidt’s defections.

  But wait! Schmidt had averted disaster only for the moment; what a trick to change around again!

  Tommy bent a calculating eye upon the ringmaster up there in the entrance of the white wagon. The second Schmidt spoke to him again, Schmidt was done!

  At the moment, however, Schmidt had other objects of interest and, horror of horrors, it was another who spoke to Tommy.

  “I’m sorry about this, kid. I didn’t think—”

  It happened so fast that Tommy could not prevent it. There was a swish and a shudder, and then Tommy was standing, whip in hand, looking at a helpless midget held fast between two brawny stakers!

  This time, however, the transfer did not work with smoothness on the other’s part. For Gordon appeared to be out on his feet, midget as he now was. He couldn’t even focus his eyes, much less cry out.

  And though Tommy did wait for that protest to be made so as to take full advantage of it and swap back, it struck him suddenly that he was far better off as Jerry Gordon than as either Schmidt or Little Tom Little.

  So let it be.

  “Mind what I say!” cried Mrs. Johnson. “Hold him fast. You’ll pay, and pay plenty, if he gets away from you!”

  “Count on us,” said a staker, giving the midget a ferocious shake. “C’mon, Pete.”

  And between them, the two stakers hauled away Little Tom Little, now Gordon.

  Having gotten out of the scrape so neatly, Tommy himself, now bronzed and strong, tall and handsome, felt quite elated about the matter. Plainly he now had his chance. He had the goods on Schmidt. He had merely to turn the tables and wrest the proof, and all was well once more.

  He was on the verge of striking a pose and accusing Schmidt of all the crimes he knew the ringmaster guilty of when yet another thing happened.

  A long, stirring chord, A major, betokened the introduction of an act in the big top. And Betty snatched at Gordon—Tommy—and cried, “There’s your cue!”

  And Schmidt echoed it more loudly. “You’re holding up the show! They’re letting your cats into the arena this instant! Hurry, man, do you want to ruin everything?”

  Tommy was engulfed in a terrible thought. Cats—big cats, tawny cats, lions and tigers with gaping fangs and saber claws—waiting for him! Waiting to claw and rip, to rend his flesh and destroy him, the way that lion had almost done in St. Louis!

  So paralyzed was he that he could not cry out. And neither could he resist Mrs. Johnson and Schmidt, who hurried him swiftly along toward the marquee.

  Inside, they were repeating the chord as a conclusion to the announcement, and then once more it wailed forth, anxiously calling for the absent wild animal trainer.

  Tommy stopped dragging back. Like a martyr who can already smell the smoke of his fellow victims, he thought it best to put a face upon it and hope that it would not be too slow or painful.

  For he might think of standing up to a big person, he might take a chance or two in his act, but never, never could he envision himself facing one big cat, much less forty. Through his mind ran that scene in St. Louis. He could smell again the fetid breath of the brute, could feel once more the rake of butcher-knife claws. If help had come an instant later than it had, it would have been all over.

  Looking down at himself as they rushed him along, he could not credit himself with his present body’s capabilities. Gordon was strong and handsome and sure. But he was strong and handsome and sure in his soul—and there was the difference.

  How he had failed! Tommy thought. Bodies did not seem to make any difference at all. It was the soul of the man that counted. What he was deep inside him, what courage and daring he might possess. And if he were the biggest man in the world and possessed no strength of soul, he would still be a fumbling fool.

  He had prayed for a chance to prove that it was the body which counted. He had dreamed of being able to prove that, size for size, he could match up with the best of the big world. And now his craven heart, even as he cursed it, told him that he had lied. He was a big person now. No stronger body existed in all this sawdust land than Gordon’s. But without the heart and soul of a lion trainer, the body was so much clay, dependent on the Command within it. The man was his soul, not his body.

  And Tommy hated himself, realizing that he had not the courage to face those beasts!

  In his favor there was the fact that, expert showman though he might be, he had never had any experience whatever with animal training. So deeply had he hated the thought of facing the big cats that he had never even been able to watch Gordon work. And so he couldn’t go in and fake a routine, even if he had the nerve. He didn’t know one end of that arena from the other. He was Little Tom Little, midget ace, no matter how much the world mistook him for Jerry Gordon, Emperor of the Kings of Beastiana.

  With a gasp, he held up again. Somehow he knew that Maizie, standing by the first tier of seats, had been on the outskirts of the last half-hour’s events. She had seen and heard all that had passed with Schmidt, for how, otherwise, could poor Maizie know so defi
nitely that she looked at Little Tommy Little now, and not Jerry Gordon?

  That she did know was written plainly upon her stricken face. No larger than a child’s big doll, prettier even in her grief than many a movie star, she had come to help him. Her intuition had identified him, and now—

  Suddenly his heart gave a lurch. Why had she placed herself there? Why, if not to offer him his last chance at life?

  And she cried out to him as he passed, “Look at me! Save yourself!”

  And she would have reached for him if Schmidt had not hurled her back. Little Tom Little tried to wrench away and strike Schmidt at that. And in doing so, he discovered another truth.

  Schmidt understood. He had understood all along! He knew definitely that this was not really Jerry Gordon—knew that a mere midget would curl up and die in that arena under the trampling of clawed feet. Knew that Jerry Gordon would also die in the body . . .

  The knowledge was an ice-water bath. Why did he let them carry him on this way? Why didn’t he fight?

  But Schmidt’s grip on his arm was painful. And then—then there were five thousand people under the canvas, watching with bated breath while the trumpets screamed, rolled to announce the approach of Jerry Gordon, Master of Death.

  Now a spotlight had them in its grip. He was blinded by it for an instant, and then ahead of him loomed the thin vertical lines which made up the beast arena. He stood all alone, while Mrs. Johnson and Schmidt drew away. While Schmidt leaped up before the band and snatched the speaker mike and bawled:

  “Ladees and gennulmun! Pree-senting the one and only mastah of wild beasts in all the cir-cus wurrrld—who dares step into the areena with ta-wenty li-uns and ta-wenty man-eating and ferocious Bengal tigahs, which, though deadly enemies of each othah, though deadly enemies of man, will be fought to complete obedience by one human being, one man who, alone and without help, will step fearlessly into that arena and conquer with a whip and a gun of blanks the absolutely untamable, carnivorous, ravenous, dia-bol-ical, vol-canic, tempestuous, murderous terrors of the jungle. Ladees and gennulmun, I give you the most fearless man who ever trod our earth’s fair face, Jerry Gordon, Emperor of the Jungle Monarchs, Master of the Wurrld’s most dangerous animals!”