“Becca!” Who’s screaming my name. They can’t. They can’t yell for me. “Wake up!” They never yelled for me. “Babe, wake up!” My body shakes and I struggle to move.
My eyes slowly open. “Becca?” Dom’s face is pained; his light blue eyes look so sad. I blink back the tiredness overwhelming me and that’s when I feel the pain.
“Dom.” I wince. Fuck, my body hurts.
“Shit.” He lays me down on the bed and crawls to the nightstand. He leans over, still on the bed and reads the back of the bottle. Yes, please. My chest fucking hurts and these damn abrasions on my ankles and wrists sting like a bitch. I want to climb back into the bath.
“Thank you.” I manage to say before opening my mouth to take the pill. He tilts the glass of water to my lips and I take it with a trembling hand. Fuck it hurts.
“Are you alright?” He asks with a weary look. His brows are pinched together, making a deep crease in his forehead.
“I’m fine.” I answer handing the glass back.
He takes the glass and sets it on the table. “I fucking hate that you do that,” he says crawling back to lay next to me. He pulls my body into his gently. “You’re not fine.” He kisses my neck. “You weren’t fine.”
I have a vague memory of being in pain before waking up in his arms. “I still hurt, but it will take some time to heal.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.” His voice is hard.
“I don’t understand.”
“You were begging for it to stop.” His voice is pained. I turn in his arms and watch as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “You kept saying ‘no.’” I turn back on my side with my back to his chest and stare across the room.
“It was just a dream.” It’s the only answer I have for him.
“It was a memory.”
“What do you want from me?” I ask him with contempt. His grip on me tightens.
“I just want you to talk to me.” He pulls me into his chest and kisses my neck. His tender touch makes me relax.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” What can I say? They hurt me. I’m still getting over it. There. What more can I offer?
“You can’t just hide from this.” His voice is just barely more than a murmur.
“It’s not hiding; it’s moving on. That’s what you do. You move on.”
“How can you move on without giving yourself any time to grieve?”
“You want me to be sad?” I turn in his arms and keep far enough away to look straight into his eyes. “Not everyone grieves the same way. Some people take time to really grasp the reality. Others seek out humor and positivity. Then there are people who’d rather just leave what can’t be undone alone and move forward with what they can change.” I search his face for his reaction, but he gives me nothing.
“I can’t change what happened to me. I’m only in charge of the present and my future. I learned that long ago. And I’m happy with that.”
“How can you move on so quickly?” His voice is laced with disbelief.
“I haven’t. Grief is a journey. It never ends.” Shock sparks in his eyes and then understanding. If there is an end, I have yet to find it.
“How bad does it hurt?”
“The medicine is already working.” It is. My body already feels less tense and the sharp pains have turned dull.
He shakes his head gently. “Not that pain.” My chest hurts from his words. My heart clenching and tears prick behind my eyes.
“Some days a lot. Some days I don’t even feel it.”
He nods his head. “Tell me.”
“I don’t want to,” my throat’s hoarse, making my words crack. I don’t. I’ve tried to talk about it before, I just can’t.
“Well there’s what happened because of me. That’s adding to it.”
“Yes. It is.” I can’t lie. I’m not fucking okay. What they did to me was horrific and I’m shocked I survived it. But I survived because I fought. And I’m damned proud of that.
“And your ex,” guilt eats away at me. I should be grieving more for him. I turn away from him and settle my back against his chest. I’m not responding to that. I don’t want to.
“Doll?” He asks before kissing my neck. “You really think you’ll be alright?” I consider his words.
“Some days I’m over worked and high stressed and I can’t seem to figure anything out. But I only need to make it one day at a time. Some moments I remember and it’s too much. But most of the time I’m alright. I can be okay. I can live through this. I can continue to live through anything I suppose.”
He’s quiet for a long time. So long I think maybe he fell asleep and I close my eyes, waiting for sleep to take me.
“I wish I could take it all away.” His chest vibrates against my back as I register his words.
“You do more than you know.” It’s true. I feel… alive. I haven’t felt so much in months. So much desire. I mostly just run through to-do lists. Other than Jax. Jax has kept me sane. “Jax makes it all worth it, you know?” He makes me want to smile. And I read somewhere that if you smile enough, it will make you happy. You can’t help it. It’s biology or something. “If I didn’t have Jax, I don’t know that I would’ve survived it all.”
“I hope you know how strong you are, Becca.” Strong? I wouldn’t call myself strong. Tears prick again. I don’t ever feel strong. I feel so weak. I feel like I’m holding on to nothing, grasping for a thread that’s taunting me. Tears leak from the corners of my eyes and I try to wipe them without him knowing. But he sees. He rises from behind me and kisses away the tears on my cheek and chin.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry doll.” A heavy sob wracks through my body. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t want to cry. My throat closes as another sob leaves me and I bury my face in my hands. “Let it out, doll. It’s okay, I’ve got you.” I turn in his arms and cry into his chest. His strong arms wrap around me and hold me close.
“You’re alright, doll. I’ve got you.” His hands run up and down my back in soothing strokes as he kisses my hair. His loving touch is so unexpected. Everything about him is unexpected.
His hot breath on my neck makes my entire body shiver. Another kiss, this time on the tender spot just below my ear. I feel wrapped in his presence. Secure in his embrace. Something in me cracks. My armor falls. I feel myself melt into him.
I feel a need to be comforted by him. A need I only caved to once years ago. It’s haunted me and left a deep hurt in my chest that I’ve grown used to. It tightens and twists, threatening to consume me. A mix of loneliness and insecurity. It fucking hurts. And feeling his arms around me, soothing me. The pain pangs in my chest. I need this. I need him.
I feel a spark ignite deep in my core and a haze of lust come down around me. The same sensation when we first met. In his office. My lips part in memory. When he took me against the wall. I turn and push my breasts against his hard chest. My hand cups the back of his head and my lips press against his gently. He moans into my mouth as his tongue tastes mine. His fingers spear my hair before fisting it at the nape of my neck. He pulls back and his light blue eyes look deep into mine.
My breath hitches and my body’s overcome with a feeling of ice pricking my heated nerve endings. A chill goes through me as he searches my face for something. Please don’t reject me. I need this. I whimper as he pulls my hair back and leaves open mouthed kisses along my jaw and down my neck.
Relief washes through me and the heat in my core rages with need. I rock my pussy against his thigh for relief. His firm hand pushes my hip down onto the mattress as he climbs on top of me. He never lets up the kisses on my neck. His hands roam my body, down my waist, my hips. He parts my legs and settles between them and pulls back to look down on me.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” I close my eyes and drop my head against the pillow. I’m in dangerous territory. My heart is begging for more. I’m only going to end up hurt. I know it. But I want it. I want him. I need him.
<
br /> I open my eyes and find him shirtless, his ripped abs and corded muscles enhanced by the shadows in the dark. His hands grip my hips before traveling up my belly. His thumbs pulling my shirt. I lift my back and let him pull the shirt over my head, baring myself to him. His mouth immediately comes down as he suckles a nipple into his mouth and palms the other breast. His hot tongue massages my hardened peak and my back arches, pushing more of myself into him.
His deft fingers twist the other. The hot sensation is directly linked to my clit. A whimper escapes me. I brush my heat against his hard cock. Too much fabric between us. I need more. My heels dig into the mattress. Needing more friction. His teeth bite down gently as he pulls away from me. His grasp on the other breast becomes nearly violent as he pulls back, giving a hint of pain that only adds to the intense pleasure. A wave of heat travels down my body.
His other hand steadies my hip and then I hear a tear and feel the pull of the lace fabric against my skin.
I force my eyes open as his fingers slip through my slick folds. His broad shoulders and heated gaze portray him as a man of sheer dominance and lust. He stares deep into my eyes as his fingers dip into my heat and his thumb presses against my clit.
My body shudders beneath the pleasure of his touch. His fingers pump relentlessly and his thumb pushes down harder. A tingle of heat travels through every limb in an instant and I convulse underneath him, only held down by the weight of his hand splayed on my hip. I hold in my scream, opening my mouth and throwing my head back. The sheer intensity of my orgasm nearly paralyzes my body. My body goes limp with pleasure and I finally breathe.
Dom’s lips take mine with passion as he lays on the bed, pulling my back to his chest. He sucks and nibbles my bottom lip while I try to breathe, my chest heaving for air and breaths coming in pants. He pushes into me, slowly and deep. His girth stretches my walls. One of his arms wraps around my shoulders and his hand massages my breast, the other cradles my leg, parting my legs for him further. He pushes in and out of me deliberately slow but deep. All the while kissing me. My moans trapped in his kiss.
My head falls back as my pussy clamps around his dick and that hot wave travels through my body with a vengeance. A strangled cry leaves my lips. His hand grips my chin and tilts my lips to his. But they only touch as he stares into my eyes and pumps into me. Faster and harder, forcing the numbing tingles through my limbs, building with a crimpling intensity at my core. His hand moves to my clit and he brushes his fingers on the sensitive nub without mercy, sending me over. His gaze keeps mine as I cum violently, my body trembling in his arms while he continues to pump into me, rutting with a primal need until he finds his own release.
My chest warms and my body opens to him as he gently settles my body and continues to kiss me with a passion I’m not sure I’ve ever known. I turn in his embrace as best I can, just wanting to be held.
I try to calm my breathing. My trembling hands rest against his corded arm wrapped around my waist. He gently kisses down my jaw, down my neck. His open mouthed kisses leave a warmth that quickly turns to chills as the air hits them.
My breathing finally slows and I turn in his arms. He holds me against his chest. My eyes open as I watch his chest rise and fall as he calms his own breathing. I hear his heart, beating loudly yet with a steady rhythm. It’s hypnotizing.
A mix of relaxation and security warms my chest; my heart makes me weak. I swallow the lump growing in my throat and try to push down the emotions. I press my forehead to his chest as my back shudders from the cool air.
Dom reaches down and grabs his shirt from the floor for me. I give him a small smile and quickly put it on.
This is dangerous. Too emotional. I’m too weak to be playing these kinds of games. It’s not like it was before. Where I could just walk away. Where I could live a fantasy and then return to my reality. My heart beats louder and chaotically against my chest. It doesn’t trust me and I don’t trust it.
His brows furrow and his eyes narrow. Just as he asks, “what’s wrong?” I hear Jax in the other room.
“Mom!” He calls out as though he’s lost.
Dom slides easily off the bed and reaches for his pants. “Stay here; I’ll get him.” He says as though it’d be alright for him to go to my son. Jax pushes the door open as I open my mouth to stop Dom.
“Hey little man, Mommy’s tired right now, can I read you a bed time story?” He asks in a sweet voice I didn’t know could be uttered from his lips.
My heart beats faster and tries to climb up my throat as he bends down to be eye level with Jax. Jax’s sleepy eyes focus on Dom with a hand running through his hair. He lets out a small yawn and nods his head.
The word escapes my lips and ricochets off the walls, “red!” The two look up at me, both with confusion. And then the realization dawns across Dom’s face. And my heart crumples in my chest. My throat dries and a soreness leaks through every inch of my body.
I press my lips together and hold back the sobs, threatening me, hating me. Tears leak out of the corner of my eyes as I climb carefully off the bed, keeping the shirt down and walk silently to Jax. My hands shakes as they go to his shoulders.
Guilt consumes me.
My heart may believe that what Dom and I just shared was something more than a quick, dirty fuck. I swallow thickly, avoiding Dom’s gaze. I know it was one sided. And it was stupid. I keep doing stupid things around this man.
But now when it comes to Jax.
“It’s alright baby, I’ll read you a story.” I’m almost surprised how easily and calmly the words flow from my lips. But then I remember I’ve been doing this for quite some time now, hiding the pain and being strong for my son.
Only, I don’t remember it ever hurting this much.
Dom
I can’t fucking sleep. She ripped my fucking heart out. How the fuck am I supposed to react to that? I’m trying real fucking hard not to take offense to that. That’s when she draws the line? I can fuck her all I want. Talk about using her pussy as payment and fucking make love to her in my bed. But I can’t read her kid a bed time story?
She had no fucking underwear on. My cum was probably leaking down her thigh. But she’d rather that?
She fucking safe worded me. I’ve only been safe worded a handful of times when I first started playing. I know limits. I know what women want. I’m good at reading their body language. But I can’t read her, my doll. Just thinking of my pet name for her has my heart clenching in agony.
I’m a fucking fool for thinking she’s mine. She’s not meant to be with a man like me and it’s obvious she wants it to stay that way.
I thought she felt it. How could she not? I gave her everything. I feel raw and broken. And now she’s laying next to me, right where I fucked her, on her side with her back to me, pretending to sleep. I know she’s awake. Her breathing isn’t even close to even.
I’m not gonna do this. I’m not going to put up with this shit.
She wants to act like that, it’s on her. But my heart is fucking open and I’m not going to let her pretend I didn’t just make love to her. That I didn’t just see right into her fucking soul as she came on my dick. It was fucking beautiful. I’m not going to let her disrespect that.
“Why are you pretending to sleep, doll?” I ask, doing my best to keep the contempt out of my voice.
“I’m not pretending.” Her voice comes out confident and then low. “Just trying to sleep.”
“You don’t want me to hold you after tonight?” That fucking hurts too. I should be all over her. Making sure she’s alright. I know better than to let her be on her own. But fuck, I’m hurting after that shit.
“It’s alright if you don’t want to.” Her voice breaks at the end. My brows raise in surprise.
“Babe?” I lean over and turn her so her back is on the bed. Her cheeks are tear stained. Fuck! “Doll, what’s wrong?” I pull her into my embrace and she fucking loses it. “Have you been crying this whole time?”
�
��No.” She shakes her head into my chest and barely gets the word out.
“Let it out babe.” I gently rub her back and feel like a fucking prick. I’ve been laying here pissed because she doesn’t want me around her son, yet she’s been crying right next to me and I didn’t even know. “Tell me what’s wrong.” I speak gently, but firmly. I know she’s gonna try to find a way around telling me what’s bothering her. My heart twists in agony; she didn’t want me to know she was crying.
“I know this is going fast babe, but you gotta try to trust me.”
A sob leaves her as she shakes her head. “It’s alright babe, just let it all out.”
“I can’t.” She pushes away from me with tears in her red-rimmed eyes. Her plush lips are turned down and I still think she looks so damn beautiful. I don’t know how I ever looked at her before. But something’s different now.
“You can babe, just let it out.”
She shakes her head and her chest heaves with a sob, her shoulders bowing inward. “I can’t with you.” She sucks in a strangled breath. “This,” motioning between us, “I can’t.” Her voice chokes on the last word. And it may as well have choked me.
My chest hollows and I let out a heavy breath, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and letting her cry into my chest. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this. I don’t fucking like it.
“You don’t wanna be with me, doll?” I need her to say the words. I don’t want to hear them, but I need her to say them.
“That’s not it.” A spark of hope flares in my chest, until she adds, “Jax.” My breath stops short. “I can’t do this to Jax,” she cries into my chest.
“Because I’m in the mob?” somehow I ask clearly.
“I can’t give him that life.” She shakes her head and I hardly hear her words through her tears.
I swallow the lump growing in my throat. “You don’t think I’d be good for him?” I’d be great for him. I don’t know much about kids, but I’d learn. I’d treat them both better than her shit husband did.
Dirty Dom: Valetti Crime Family (A Bad Boy Mafia Romance) Page 13