by Willow Aster
When he thrust into me, I didn’t care anymore that we were still fully clothed. My mouth fell open and I chased the feel of him until we were both panting hard.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“You’re not.” I felt crazed. I would’ve done anything and everything right then, but he was determined to take his time.
He pulled away and unbuttoned the top of my jeans. Just enough to get his hand between my jeans and underwear. When his finger started circling over me, rubbing faster and faster in a spot that made me lose my mind—how did he do that?—my eyes rolled back in my head and I whimpered, my insides convulsing to his touch.
“Jaxson,” I whispered, my head rolling side to side.
“Does that feel good?”
“So…good,” I shuddered. “So good.”
He leaned down and kissed my eyelids and then my mouth, claiming my lips as his fingers stilled over me.
I felt like I was in a stupor, but I pulled away when he seemed to be slowing down. “I want to make you feel good,” I told him, reaching up to unbutton his pants.
“You do. I loved that,” he said. He put his hand on top of mine, stopping me.
“I’m on the pill, you know.”
His pupils dilated and he exhaled a ragged breath. “No, I didn’t, but good to know.” He grinned. “I thought I had semi-decent self-control. Watching you just now, I barely managed to keep it together,” he said, laughing. “But damn, you’re determined to kill me.” He kissed me, three pecks; his full lips like velvety pillows. He nestled back on top of me and I was immediately back in a frenzy. “I’ve only ever used a condom and Coach has us get tested regularly for a variety of things, not just ST—…well, anyway, I’m clean,” he said. “But there’s no need to rush…I’m not going anywhere.”
He closed his eyes, trying to stay still, but I felt every inch of him, hard and pulsing between us. I giggled and his eyes flew open. “Sorry. I just remembered overhearing your mum talk about how well-endowed you were as a baby. You were the talk of the hospital apparently.”
He groaned but then burrowed his head in my neck and we laughed our heads off.
“Well, what do you think? You believe her?” he asked, trying to catch his breath.
“I’ll have to see it to be sure,” I said, wiping my eyes.
“Hello?” Anne called.
The sound of her walking up the stairs launched us into fast forward; Jaxson jumped off of me, and I flew across the room, heart in overdrive. I picked up my backpack and grabbed a notebook.
“Hey! In here,” Jaxson said weakly, turning around in a circle and then reaching for a pillow to hide behind. He put a book on top of the pillow to look like he was studying.
I cackled in the corner and he glared at me just as his mother opened the door. She smiled at Jaxson and then saw me. She beamed and then her eyes narrowed on me and then back on Jaxson.
“Well…” she said, clearing her throat. “Good to see you both. Getting any homework done?” She bit the inside of her lip and looked like she was trying not to laugh.
“Oh…we’re coming along,” Jaxson said. He lifted his head and rolled his eyes. “I mean, you know…almost done. Getting there.”
“Very well,” she said. “Maybe you should work at the dining room table where you can spread everything out.” She gave a pointed look to Jaxson and he nodded.
“Sure.”
When she closed the door behind her, I leaned over, clutching my stomach. “You are so obvious! Coming along?” When I looked up at him, I started laughing again. He looked mortified.
“Me?” He pointed at me. “Take a look in the mirror.”
“What?” I stood up and made my way to the mirror. “No,” I said in horror.
He snorted and came to stand behind me, his arms circling around my waist. “Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes,” he mimicked the way I had sounded not even ten minutes ago and my cheeks heated.
I tried to smooth my hair down, but for not actually having had sex, I had the most perfect sex hair ever.
ON CHRISTMAS EVE, or maybe actually the wee hours of Christmas, Jaxson sneaked into my bedroom and crawled into bed with me, as he did most nights. We’d been steadily skating around the boundaries he seemed to have set. We’d done a lot in my inexperienced opinion, but to my growing agitation, we were always clothed from the waist down. He still made me feel so good every time he touched me and I thought I made him feel good too, but I was losing my mind. Being with him was all I thought about. And the suspense of there still being more…I was ready. More than ready.
I hadn’t pushed it, but this time when he crawled into bed with me, I had a surprise for him. I was completely naked.
He stiffened when he wrapped his arms around me. My laugh tinkled in the room, sounding loud in the stillness.
“What is this?” He nestled his nose in my neck, and I felt his smile on my skin.
“Merry Christmas,” I whispered, turning to face him.
“Best Christmas present I’ve ever been given,” he whispered, his fingers sliding down my chest and getting distracted there.
“Thank you for giving me time,” I put my hands in his hair and kissed him, “but I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“Are you sure? I promise you I’m happy—”
I put my fingers to his lips and nodded. The night-light in my room was there for his sake so he could find his way to me in the dark each night. I was glad of the light now—there was just enough glow to see his smile and the contours of his body as he pulled the back of his shirt over his head. My hands roamed across his chest as he took his pants off and then pulled the covers back, letting the light shine across my body.
The way his eyes appraised my body emboldened me. He drank me in and I felt heated from the inside.
“If this is a dream, don’t wake me up,” he said. “You’re so beautiful…so perfect in every way.”
His eyes scanned me up and down one more time before he reached out and touched my bare skin; that alone made me lightheaded. I pulled his briefs down and finally put my hands on his velvety skin.
“Your mother was right.”
I heard his quick intake of breath and smiled.
“I don’t want to talk about my mother. Never. Just no. Not another word about her tonight.”
I giggled.
“I wish we didn’t have to be so quiet,” he whispered. “I want to hear every little sound you make…” He leaned down and kissed a trail down my stomach. “I want to make you scream my name…”
My entire body flushed with his words. He went lower and lower with his kisses, doing things with his tongue and his fingers that I’d never imagined, and I lit up like a never-ending sparkler.
By the time he lifted his head and crawled up my body, I was limp with pleasure. Sated. Nothing could be better than what he’d just given me. But he settled his body on top of mine and when I felt him between my legs, I woke up, every part of me coming back to life.
“I’m nervous,” he whispered.
“I’m not,” I told him. And it was the truth. I trusted him. I loved him. How many could say that about their first time?
He entered me slowly and I was still so wet from before that it felt tight, but a good kind of tight. When it got a little uncomfortable, he stayed still and whispered, “Kiss me.” He kissed me like he’d never kissed me before. I couldn’t stand to stay still another second. He kissed me until I thought our bodies melded into one and I could feel every thought and desire he had. The deeper our kiss went, the deeper he delved inside…until he was all the way in and this was really happening.
When he pulled back and dipped back in, sliding more easily in and out of me, he put his hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you.”
Something changed with our words; a sudden urgency. He slipped his fingers between us, touching me, and I sank into bliss. He swallowed my sounds with h
is kiss and I did the same for him when he lost control seconds later. It was the most complete I’d ever felt.
33
PRESENT
DECEMBER 2019
I think maybe I need to go live with the nuns and only eat small portions of meat and potatoes…maybe a Popsicle every now and then.
Somewhere shaded and quiet and drama/risk-free.
Sincerely, Sister Hart
WITH THE WEDDING planning taking every spare moment between school and work, I’ve hardly seen Jaxson. Oh, and I’ve been avoiding him. So there’s that.
I’ve had a plan cooking in my mind for over a month now, and despite my mum and Dave and Liesl trying to talk me out of it, they’ve settled into supporting my decision. For now, anyway. The wedding has been the perfect distraction.
The week of the wedding, I’m off for winter break and just getting home from running an errand for Mum. I’m not even out of the car yet, when the hair on the back of my neck rises. Jaxson. I sigh. Will I always be this connected to him? It has to go away eventually, right?
I’ve felt his hurt emanating from every text and every phone call, but he’s accepted all the excuses I’ve fed him. He looks pissed now though. I shut my car door and lift a hand to wave.
“How much longer can you avoid me?” he says, stalking toward me.
“I’ve been busy,” I tell him.
“I could be helping you with wedding shit…or with Winston…why are you cutting me off?”
I walk toward the house and he follows me, opening the door and holding it for me while I set the bags down. Winston comes flying down the stairs to greet me and growls when he sees Jaxson.
“Yeah, I don’t really like you very much right now either,” Jaxson tells him.
I open the back door for Winston to go out, and Jaxson and I stand on the deck watching him run around the yard.
“Give me thirty minutes? There’s this new pie place I’ve been wanting to try,” Jaxson says, his brows relaxing as he tries to smile.
I feel guilty about the way I’ve avoided him, so I nod. “Okay.”
“Really?” He perks up. “Okay.”
Ten minutes later, we’re in Jaxson’s car. It’s a short drive, so he’s parking before our silence becomes too awkward.
The pies look delicious and the restaurant is bustling with customers. We sit in a corner booth and study the menu.
“I haven’t had peanut butter in a while,” I tell him. “And only in very small doses…like one night months and months ago.”
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I know. I have to fit into a goddess dress for this wedding, so I can’t believe I agreed to this. Look at this pie.” I point to a chocolate peanut butter pie and hum. “Yep, that’s what I’m getting.”
He orders a slice of Dutch apple pie and we wait, looking shyly at one another.
“Thanks for coming with me. You’ll be fine in the dress, I promise.”
I lift my eyebrows. “To God’s ears, as your nana would say.”
He smiles. “To God’s ears.”
Our pie comes and they’re both works of art. I’m tempted to take a picture but don’t want to be that girl. Not when Jaxson is watching me so intently.
We both take bites of our pie and sound orgasmic as we inhale them. He tries a bite of mine and I try a bite of his.
“Oh, yeah, you always order better than I do,” he says. “And I’m scared to even say it, but…finally, we can sort of check it off of our list…I mean, if we eat it every day starting today.” He grins. He points at what’s left of mine. “That’s going to be my new craving.”
I can hardly get the pie in my mouth fast enough. It’s the perfect explosion of flavors.
“I don’t even care if I don’t fit into the dress after this,” I say, scratching my neck. “This was such a good idea. Thank you. I’m glad you made me come.” I laugh and he does too, the air between us lighter with our sugar highs.
“So is everything pretty much ready for the wedding?” he asks.
“Yeah, the hard part is done, and the fun starts the day after tomorrow. We’re doing a spa day at the salon, the day after that the rehearsal dinner, and then the wedding!” I rub at my neck and scratch my arm.
His eyes widen when he looks at my neck. “Mira, are you okay? You’re…really…” He grabs my hand and holds my arm out. “What’s going on?”
I have little welts all over my skin. “Is this on my neck too?” I lift my shirt a little and look at my stomach. Hives are covering my skin.
“We should get you to the hospital. Are you allergic to peanut butter? How can that happen?” He sounds panicked and is already standing up and throwing money on the table.
By the time we pull into the hospital parking lot and Jaxson leaves the car with the valet, every part of my body itches. I’m swollen and miserable. My eyes are starting to feel weird and my mouth…
We go to the desk to check in and one of the nurses—Nan—takes me to an exam room right away, with Jaxson on our heels answering all the questions I don’t respond to fast enough. I clutch my chest.
“It feels tight,” I whisper.
Dr. Nigel comes into the room, looks at my chart, and goes on a tangent about a shot. I don’t really register her words. The grief on Jaxson’s face distracts me.
“I’m okay,” I tell him. “Don’t worry.”
He looks so sad I can’t stand it. Nan gives me an epinephrine shot and I can breathe a little easier, but the hives don’t go away. A while later, she gives me another shot and I feel more of an improvement with that one, but she still sets me up with an IV and runs antihistamines through it. Jaxson scoots up to the bed when Nan leaves the room to let Dr. Nigel know about my progress. He holds my hand, careful to only touch my palm and not the top of my hand that still has welts.
“Are you feeling any different?” he asks.
“It’s easing,” I say as Nan walks in. “I’m breathing better. Less itchy. But sleepy.”
“I should let your mum know—she’ll kill me that I haven’t already told her,” he says.
“We’re going to monitor you for a few more hours,” Nan says. “If we don’t see more improvement, we’ll keep you overnight.”
I nod, too sleepy to protest. I don’t have time to be in the hospital goes through my mind right before I fall asleep.
I WAKE up a few hours later. Jaxson is still sitting there and my mum is beside him.
“Oh, honey, are you okay?” Mum asks, hovering.
“I feel much better.”
“You look much better,” Jaxson says. “God, you scared me to death.”
“I’m fine. See? Good as new.” I hold up my arm and although there’s still a scattering of hives, there are far less.
He looks at my mother. “She didn’t see herself,” he says. He opens his phone and shows me a picture. My face is unrecognizable.
I gasp. “Do I still look like that?” I clutch my face, looking at my mum. “The wedding!”
“We are not going to worry about the wedding,” Mum says. “The swelling has gone down considerably, but if you don’t feel up to it on Saturday, we’ll push it back. No big deal.”
“Uh, no way. We have worked too hard on this wedding for it to be thwarted by a little allergic reaction.”
“You could’ve died, Bells,” Jaxson says.
“No…” I scoff at him. “It wasn’t that—”
“Yes, you could’ve,” he interrupts. “They gave you another shot while you were sleeping and are waiting for a room upstairs to open up to monitor you throughout the night.”
I groan. “I can’t miss our spa day!” I look tearfully at Mum, whose eyes are full too.
“I’m just so grateful Jaxson got you to the hospital on time,” she says, putting her arm around him and squeezing. “Thank you, love.”
She’s never called me “love” a day in my life, but she bestows it on him like she’s always said it. I restrain the eye roll and look on, smiling
…because I’m grateful too that he acted so quickly. If it had been up to me, I’d have gone home and wondered why I couldn’t breathe very well…
“We’ll bring the spa to you if we have to,” she says to me.
I DO STAY THE NIGHT, but I feel a thousand times better the next day. I think it was a waste of time, but I guess I was in worse shape than I realized when I came in. I feel bad for putting a damper on the wedding festivities.
I’m expecting my mother to pick me up and then I’m hoping we’ll go straight to the salon, but Jaxson is the one who walks in while the new nurse on duty is walking me through my release papers. He listens intently to her instructions.
“You’ll have to carry this everywhere.” She holds up an Epipen. “A reaction like yours…you’ll have to stay away from peanuts from now on. If you feel any tingling or get the beginnings of the hives like you had this time, use this and then come into the ER right away. Okay?”
“But I love peanut butter so much,” I lament.
“So many do, but it doesn’t love them back,” she says briskly.
She’s a size nothing, so I have a feeling she’s never loved peanut butter and doesn’t know what she’s missing. It’s a bitter thought, but one that I’m feeling with all my heart…no peanut butter?
“What could happen if she doesn’t have the Epipen or doesn’t do it in time?” he asks.
The nurse shrugs. “She could die,” she says to him. “It’s very imperative that you and everyone in your life take this seriously.” She points to me and starts gathering her things to leave.
Well, thank you for your charming bedside manner. I don’t speak because I’m afraid of what will come out.
Jaxson glares after her and takes me by the hand. “I’ve been researching this all night. We can figure out places to go…I’ve got a list of things you wouldn’t think of that have peanuts…all that. It’s going to be okay.”
His face is flushed as the words rush out of his mouth. God, I love him. Whoa. Hold up. No. Rewind.
“Did you even sleep?” I ask, looking everywhere but directly at him.
“No, but I can sleep when I’m dead, right?”