by Willow Aster
“I hate that saying.”
“I’m surprised you don’t hate me at this point,” he says quietly.
I turn to him. “What? Why?”
He reaches out and smooths the crease between my brows and swallows hard before answering. “I don’t know, Mira. I think it’s safe to say that I need to put the list to rest once and for all. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we should only be friends. I don’t want to put you at risk for any more disasters…” He attempts a smile, but it’s more of a grimace.
A lump grows in my throat and I nod, attempting a smile myself. It hurts way more than a smile should. “Friends.”
34
PAST
BEGINNING OF MAY 2015
Just when I think I have a few things figured out, everything comes crashing down, Diary.
Is it me? Don’t answer that.
“NO, DON’T GO.” Jaxson’s arms were wrapped around my waist, pulling my back to his chest.
I groaned but had to laugh when he nuzzled into my neck. “Stop! It’s already so hard to leave you.”
“So don’t leave. Don’t you think our parents have guessed by now that we’re sleeping together? Your mum got you on the pill…mine keeps stressing the importance of safety ad nauseam. Let’s have a little talk with them.” He rolled on top of me and I sighed.
I never got tired of this.
He kissed me and we got distracted for another twenty minutes before I tried to leave again.
“We are not talking to our parents. Can you imagine how painful that would be?” I put on my clothes and walked over to grab my backpack.
“But I’ll be away at school soon. I don’t want to miss out on any time with you.”
I looked up. “You’re serious?”
He nodded then bit his lip. “I need to talk to you about something else. I got us a hotel for the night of your prom…can you work that out with your mum?” He grinned but looked nervous.
“I’ll figure it out.” I smiled, walking over to sit by him on the bed. Junior Prom was two weeks away and Senior Prom was the upcoming weekend…four days away. I had two gorgeous dresses hanging in my closet.
“About my prom. Uh, Heather reminded me yesterday that I promised her we’d go to that together…”
I waited for him to finish his sentence because he couldn’t possibly be leaving it at that. I was barely okay with them still being friends but hadn’t argued the point. He made me feel secure every time we were together.
When he didn’t say anything, I lifted my hand, motioning for him to finish. “And?”
“And I think maybe I should at least go pick her up, get pictures with her. Uh…her parents still think…I mean, you know…it made her stepdad leave her alone more thinking that I was still in the picture,” he finishes, threading his fingers through mine. “You and I can still be together the rest of the night. I have a hotel booked for us then too…”
My eyes narrowed on him. “Are you serious right now?”
“Derek will be with us most of the time…it’s just a few hours and to make things go easier for her at home.”
I pulled away from him and stood up. “Cancel the hotel for both nights. We won’t be needing that.” I hooked my backpack over my arm and walked to the door.
“Bells, wait. Stop. Let’s talk about this,” he said, getting up. His naked body nearly distracted me into pausing, but I rushed out of the door and down the stairs, not stopping no matter how loud he yelled for me to come back.
I didn’t go home right away, but Mum said he’d left a note for me to call on the door when she got home. I also locked my window and ignored all of his attempts to get my attention. Maybe I was being a hothead, but I knew if I said anything to him at all, it’d be irate and I needed to cool down first. If I ever could.
THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL, Derek was waiting for me at my locker. Jaxson was nowhere in sight.
“I heard you’re not going to prom with Jaxson.”
“You heard right.”
He leaned against my locker and smiled. “Would you go with me? You can keep an eye on your boy and he can be miserable watching us dance together…”
“That sounds like the worst idea you’ve ever had and you’ve had plenty of bad ones.”
“I want to go to my Senior Prom with someone I’m friends with…not these dimwits hanging on me all the time.”
“You sound like Jaxson’s nana.” I smiled despite wanting to kick something.
“Yeah, she’s mentioned the dimwits a dozen times or two when I’m around.” He laughed. “We’ve always gotten along well, right? I like to think so anyway.” He looked sincere when he said that and I softened.
“I suppose I shouldn’t waste my dress,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “If that’s what it takes to convince you…” He tapped my locker. “Thanks, Mira. It’ll be fun. I promise.”
I didn’t see Jaxson until the end of the day. He was waiting at my car and holding a bouquet of flowers. I moved past him and opened the door.
“I worked it out with Heather. I’m going by there the night before…take a few pictures then and you and I can have our night…I never wanted to be with anyone but you that night anyway.”
I held my hand up. “I’m going with Derek Saturday night.”
His nose crinkled in disbelief. “What? Why? Has Heather been right all along? Do you really have a thing for Derek?”
I wanted to punch him in his cute little crinkled nose. “You’re making me so angry right now. I don’t know what Heather has led you to believe about Derek, but it’s all in her head or something she’s made up to make me look bad with you. He’s my friend. So you and Heather can do your little fake date and keep up the façade. I had no idea you were still pretending to be her boyfriend. What else are you ‘pretending’ to do with her?”
His eyes widened and he set the flowers on the hood of my car, moving closer to me. “Nothing. I swear it, Bells. I have not touched her since before you and I got together.”
“Why should I believe that when you’re doing such a good job lying to her parents?” I tried to step further from him, but he caged me in with his hands against the car.
“Do you remember her parents? It’s not hard. And I’ve been with you every spare minute of every day…when would I have time to be with her?”
“Well, you’ll have time this Saturday night. Let me go, please. I have to go to work.”
“Bells.” He grabbed hold of my face and leaned his head against mine. “Let me in tonight. Please.”
“I’m on my period and I’ll be too tired after work to hang out,” I told him.
“We can just sleep,” he said.
I shook my head and got in the car when I saw an opening. Before I shut the door, I said, “You and I aren’t going to agree on this, so I think it would be best if you do your thing the next few days and I do mine. I don’t want to say anything hateful, and I will if I have to talk to you. You’re only a senior once; you have the right to spend your prom however you want to. I’m disappointed it won’t be with me, but you made your choice.”
“But I did choose you,” he said, tugging on his hair.
I shook my head, closing the door and driving away from him. I didn’t look at him again until right before I turned to leave the parking lot. He was standing in the same spot I’d left him, head bowed, and holding the flowers that must have fallen off of the car when I took off.
MUM HAD a million questions about why I was crying, why Derek was taking me to his prom, where was Jaxson…she tried to demand that I talk to her, but when I wouldn’t, she came into my room and shut the door behind her.
Before she could say anything, I held up my hand. “I have to get ready and I really don’t want to cry anymore. I just need to get through this night and then we can talk, okay? Please?”
She reluctantly sat on the edge of my bed and nodded, her lip between her teeth. “All right, honey. I’m just sorry you’re hurting. It’s a helpless fee
ling not knowing how to make things better.”
I patted her hand and turned back around to my mirror. I had my work cut out for me to get rid of the dark circles under my eyes.
DEREK and I arrived at the venue about twenty minutes after it started. Both of our mothers had been at the house clicking their cameras like we were celebrities. It was strange doing all of this with Derek when it should’ve been Jaxson. The pictures would probably give away how vacant I felt, but I tried to plaster on a smile whenever Derek looked at me.
“You look so good, Mira,” Derek said for the millionth time.
I was glad that had at least worked on my behalf. My dress deserved good hair and makeup, so I’d tried my best. I wore a pale pink, low-cut flowy gown that sparkled in every light. I’d fallen in love with it and had been so excited for Jaxson to see me in it. Now I just wanted the night to be over.
“Thanks,” I told him.
“I’m going to the restroom and then we’ll dance, yeah?” he asked.
“Wash your hands.”
“Hardy-har,” he groaned, but he was smiling as he walked away.
I decided to use the restroom while he was gone and walked down the long hallway. I got a little turned around, so it took longer than I intended. When I came out of the restroom and had turned the corner into another alcove before the hall, Derek fell into step next to me.
He put his hand on my arm and stopped me. “Mira, can I tell you something before we go back inside?”
I looked up at him and he put his hands on my shoulders.
“It really means a lot that you came with me tonight. I know we’ve had our differences at times, but I’ve always thought you were the most beautiful girl in the school…and decent, you know?”
I smiled and narrowed my eyes at him. “Have you started drinking already? I thought that started later.”
He smirked and shrugged. “Maybe…”
He lowered his head then and his lips were on mine before I could really register what was happening. I was pushing him away when I heard a hiss and looked over to see Heather standing there, looking like she was about to explode.
“It’s not enough that you have Jaxson believing you are Little Miss Perfect, but now you have to have Derek too? What is it about you? I don’t get it!” she yelled. Then she turned to Derek. “And you, all those things you said…” She shook her head and for a second I thought she was about to cry. “I can’t believe I fell for it.”
I looked between the two of them and the way they were staring each other down. I couldn’t believe I’d missed it all this time.
“First of all, I stopped this before it ever fully happened. I don’t know what you were thinking.” I leveled Derek with my rage and he had the decency to look embarrassed. “But the two of you—you’ve never stopped, have you? Unbelievable.” I shook my head, fuming and walked away.
I heard Derek calling me. I ignored him, and Heather nearly knocked me over, sprinting past me. I felt sick to my stomach and went back to the banquet hall to get my things. I needed to figure out a way to get out of there. I walked toward the table that had my wrap and saw Heather talking to Jaxson. The color left his face and he looked around wildly, his shoulders falling when he found me. He stalked toward me, Heather trailing him, and I stood there bracing myself.
“It’s time I tell you something,” I started when he got within reach. “I should’ve told you long before now, but I never wanted to hurt you—”
“You were kissing Derek?” he interrupted. “How long has this been going on?”
My mouth opened and I glanced at Heather in time to see her smirk. I stepped forward and put my hands on Jaxson’s chest. He backed away and my hands fell to my sides.
“I don’t know what Derek thought he was doing just now, but I stopped it. Derek and Heather have been together for a long time…since before the two of you even slept together.”
The shock on Jaxson’s face shifted as he looked from me to Heather and then behind me to Derek. His chest was rising and falling fast as he tried to grasp what was going on.
“I heard them…at that Christmas party…having sex—”
It was as if I heard it before I felt it…the sound of liquid rushing toward me. And then red punch all over my head, down my face, over the front of my gown. I sputtered and stepped back, trying to hold onto something solid. I backed into Derek and he steadied me. The music kept playing, but all the chatter came to a stop as everyone stopped and watched us.
Jaxson lowered his head and held his hand to his forehead. “Someone tell me what is happening right now?” He looked up, his eyes pained as they searched mine.
Heather dropped the pitcher of punch and put her hand on his arm. “She’s lying! You know she’s lying.”
“Derek?” Jaxson said.
“I’ve never slept with Heather,” Derek said.
I didn’t stick around to hear more lies. If Jaxson believed a word out of their mouths over mine, he deserved the misery.
35
PRESENT
DECEMBER 2019
Too many changes at one time usually make me itchy, but hopefully this time, I’m heading in the right direction...everything UP from here. Please, please, DD, God, the universe, Jesus, and all of the good angels, please make it so.
CHRISTMAS ALWAYS MAKES me think of Tyra and Jaxson. I think he did that on purpose, forcing us to wait until Christmas to have sex for the first time so I’ll always think of him on this holiday. Fortunately, now Dave and Mum’s wedding will provide new memories too, with it being on Christmas Eve. Still, even as I stand here, proud of how beautiful everything looks and fully in the moment, Jaxson is always part of my thoughts.
I catch myself crying more than once during the ceremony. Jaxson’s eyes on me heat my skin, making me feel like I have nowhere to hide. An arch laden down with cream and red flowers surrounds the bride and groom and each row of chairs has a matching bouquet at the aisle. Mum is beaming and looks like a dream by the backdrop of flowers and her true love. I pull the tissue out of my bouquet and dab my eyes once more when I see how Dave looks at her.
And then it’s official. They kiss, we cheer, and after taking pictures until we’re antsy, we move into the reception area where the guests have already been celebrating.
Jaxson and his band have set up to play later and he’s placing his guitar on the stand when I walk in. He looks up as if he knows I’ve come into the room. He smiles and makes his way over to me.
“Just when I think you can’t get any more beautiful,” he says, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.
My heart flutters with his words and the proximity of him, and I try not to sound breathy as I thank him.
“You were right,” he says, smiling. “Goddess dress.” He tilts his head and lets his eyes linger over my skin. “And you are filling it to goddess perfection.”
I flush and duck my head, biting the inside of my cheek. When I meet his eyes again, I whisper, “Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Still fine. Very few hives left.” I smile. “I’m excited to hear you guys play.”
“I’m only bummed I won’t get to dance with you,” he says.
“Ah…we’re doomed for dances, right?” I try to sound lighthearted, but the pain that flashes over his eyes makes me regret my words. No, I don’t regret it, I tell myself. I need to hold onto some of the residual anger from our past in order to follow through with my plan.
With it being my mum’s day, I didn’t even try to talk her out of Jaxson sitting at our table. Anne and Charles are there too, and Liesl and her girlfriend Sarah, so as we sit down, I’m hopeful that they can help be a distraction.
“You still haven’t told him?” Liesl says under her breath when she sits next to me.
I turn to see if he’s heard her, but he’s on the other side of me, taking a sip of the ice water.
“No,” I say firmly and give her my fiercest look.
Her brow lifts an
d she shakes her head. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” she mouths.
I try to enjoy my meal but just pick at it. My meal had to be prepared differently than everyone else’s and it’s bland. It’ll take time to adjust. Hopefully my new way of eating won’t be as daunting as it feels now. Jaxson is supposed to eat quickly so he can be onstage when Mum is ready to start the dancing. I look down and realize he’s eating the same thing I am.
“Why did you get this meal? The others look so much better,” I say.
He grins like he has a secret and tilts his head. “Maybe I was hoping for a kiss.”
I just stare at him and then shake my head. “Jaxson, you need to give this up. Okay? I’m just not there right now.”
“Does that mean you think you will be eventually?” He leans closer to me and I nearly sink into his neck and take a long sniff. He smells so good and I know his arms would wrap me up and hold me tight.
I turn away from him…into a safer proximity. “I think you should move on.”
“Why don’t I believe you?” he asks, his breath on my ear making me shiver.
“Jaxson, I believe it’s time for you to start playing,” Anne says.
We both look at her and she smiles apologetically.
“This conversation isn’t over,” he says, kissing my cheek and heading to the stage.
THE BAND SINGS a mixture of covers and songs Jaxson has written. He’s in his element when he’s lost in the song, eyes closed; the emotion in his vocals is devastating in all the right ways. I can’t believe he’s so good.
I dance with Dave and Charles and then end up dancing near Liesl, Sarah, and Maddie the rest of the night. Gemma comes and dances with us when she’s not with her boyfriend. We laugh maniacally at Charles’ awful dance moves, and I watch Jaxson in all of the other moments, grateful that I get this time to stare at him without him noticing every embarrassing second.
When he sings the line: I can’t believe I let you walk away…I stop dancing and stare at him. His eyes are wide open now and he sings the next words to me.