by Willow Aster
I poke my head out further but don’t see anyone.
“Creepy, but you were right. I’m glad we’ve got your ears,” I tell Winston, scratching his neck.
I grab my laptop—the only thing I have that will play a CD—and I pop it in.
I recognize the sound of the band immediately and when I hear Jaxson’s voice, my throat constricts. I put my face in my hands and weep when I hear the words.
WE SAID we would do it all,
With a list and promises
We said time would not conquer us…
We’d always be the two of us,
Knowing and known,
And always home
To each other
WE TRAVELED FAR and wide
And sometimes pride got in the way
Even when I lost myself,
You gave me another chance
I wish I could go back again,
Tell the kid to man up then.
(I’d give anything to go back again)
IT WAS THERE ALL the time,
A love so pure, and so alive,
Went to hell and still survived
5,331 Miles
I GRAB a sweater before the song has finished playing and rush out of my flat, Winston’s ears flapping as he runs next to me. I open the door to my building and Jaxson is there in the parking lot, leaning against a car.
He doesn’t smile when he sees me. He looks like a tragic figure, devastatingly handsome and stoic; he puts his hands in his pockets and watches me get closer and closer.
When I’ve almost reached him, the car next to him starts and I gasp. It’s my dad. He smirks and gives me a brisk wave before backing up, not waiting around to see what happens.
I stop when my feet bump into Jaxson’s. He reaches out and wipes a tear from my cheek.
“Jaxson.” It comes out as a sob, and I lean my head onto his chest.
His arms circle around me, making me instantly feel better. Home. One of his hands moves to my hair and he gives it a soft tug, forcing me to look up at him.
“I don’t care where we are. I just want to be where you are,” he says. “Do you believe me yet? And does it matter?”
Tears fall down both of my cheeks and his thumbs catch them. “It matters,” I tell him. “It means everything.”
“You say the word and I will move heaven and earth to be with you. Nothing will come between us.”
And this time, for maybe the first time since my tenth birthday, I believe him.
“I’m done running,” I say.
His mouth crashes into mine, claiming what I’ve held back from him for so long.
“Come inside,” I whisper against his lips.
WE BARELY MAKE it inside my flat before I’m climbing him like a tree. He lifts me the rest of the way, wrapping my legs around his waist and propping me against the back of the door, kissing me hard.
“I love you,” he whispers against my lips when we come up for air.
He moves down the hall and into my room, tossing me on the bed like I weigh nothing. I grin when he pulls my pajama pants down.
“Still feeling Christmas-y, huh?” he teases, throwing my reindeer pants behind his shoulder.
I tug on his shirt and lift it over his head. “Later, I will be embarrassed about how awful I looked when you saw me again for the first time in so long, but right now, let’s get naked.”
“You could never look awful, but I agree…we should get naked.” His teeth look stark white against his skin and he is out of his pants in seconds flat.
I reach up and pull his boxer briefs down, eyes widening at the sight of him.
He groans, leaning over me. “You’re making me crazy, looking at me like that. Let me see you.” He pulls my shirt over my head and pulls his lower lip between his teeth when he sees I’m not wearing a bra. “I can’t believe this is happening,” he says, leaning down to take my nipple between his teeth. “Definitely feels real…” He tugs it back, looking at me when he does and I arch into him. “Oh, I can’t wait,” he whispers.
He moves his fingers between my legs and works his way in and out of me, the sound of my excitement making me flush. I close my eyes and when he pulls his fingers out, just as I’m about to lose it, I moan. He drives into me, filling me with one long push, and I pulse around him, throwing my head back and crying out his name.
He looks beautiful and tormented, a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead, but he thrusts into me with a singular focus, starting an agonizing pace where he pulls out and then hits every nerve ending when he drags himself back in.
I can’t think straight. It feels like heaven. “Faster,” I cry.
He goes faster and faster, until I feel like I might pass out, it’s so good. Just when I think I can’t take another second of hanging over the edge, we both explode and the feeling eclipses all rational thought.
While he’s still inside of me, both of us still feeling the gentle waves of our connection, I realize that if I want it—this all-encompassing love for the rest of my life—all I have to do is take the leap and let the miles of hurt and bitterness and pain dissolve once and for all. This feeling of utter fullness, being filled up by him in every possible way, can be mine if I will only let him in.
38
PRESENT
JULY 2021
Can we really have it all? What do you think, DD? I think I’m going to do my best to find out. I’m sure we’ll even have some surprises along the way.
XO, Mira
THE PAST TEN months have flown by.
Jaxson and his band have created quite the stir in England; their indie single of “5,331 Miles” is being played on every college radio station and it’s gotten the attention of a reputable label in L.A. Charles has finally accepted that besides me, music is what makes Jaxson happiest, and if things don’t soar with a music career, he always has a place in Charles’ company.
Tonight we’ve been talking about buying airline tickets to finally return to California for good, but Jaxson distracts me by pulling me into bed. He isn’t happy unless I yell his name at least twice in the heat of the moment, and this time he goes for three.
“What’s gotten into you?” I laugh when he collapses next to me, both of us panting hard.
“Maybe we should give it another try…” he says, rolling over to face me.
“Give what another try?”
“The list. I’ve been thinking…we were trying to do all of those things when we weren’t together.” He leans in and kisses me until I’m ready to crawl on top of him and see if we can go for round four or five. “Maybe that’s why it never worked.”
“Hmm. I don’t know. I’m a little scared to see what else could go wrong.”
He reaches over to pet Winston and smiles. “I think we’ve gotten through the worst, don’t you? Even Winston has finally warmed up to me. How about we give Paris another try?”
I smile and kiss him back…and end up crawling on top of him before we buy the tickets to Paris.
When the day comes and we’re finally on the plane, I smile again thinking of that night. We’re about to land in Paris and I’ve gotten over my jitters. I’ll miss that little flat in Holmes Chapel, but I’m ready for whatever adventure is next.
Liesl has been after me to come home and help her with all the celebrity weddings she’s been working. I’ve flown back to do a few of them with her and the potential is huge.
Winston is sleeping in a soft carrier under the seat in front of me and Jaxson has been a bit preoccupied on the flight. Neither of us are great flyers after our emergency landing. I usually take something to knock me out and would have this time if the flight weren’t so short.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask for the second time in an hour.
He leans over until his nose touches mine. “I’m great.”
That’s all he says and I decide to believe him and let it go.
I always breathe much easier when I’m on the ground and Jaxson does too, his ea
rlier pensiveness dissolving once we land. We check into Hôtel de Crillon, one of the few hotels in Paris to allow dogs, and I think the staff might treat Winston even better than us. After we get him settled into the room, we go sightseeing and stop at two different cafes, getting wine and fresh bread and cheeses at both. It’s so good and we eat so much, we don’t really need dinner after that. We’re buzzed and slightly giddy when we fall into bed that night, and with the starry night twinkling into our room, we worship each other until the sun comes up.
“Today was perfect…I think it’s safe to say the curse has lifted,” Jaxson whispers, kissing me one more time before we fall asleep.
ON OUR LAST DAY, we sleep in, order room service, and take Winston for a walk. After he’s worn out, we take him back to the hotel and go to the Eiffel Tower. It is beautiful, day or night, and from every angle. We ride the lift on the way up and it’s worth waiting with the crowd to experience it.
When we get off the lift and see the panoramic view, Jaxson turns to me and kisses me, our hair whipping around in the breeze. I’m so overwhelmed that we’re here and together and happy.
“It’s better than I expected,” I whisper. “This view. You and me. My heart…you make my heart pound like this every day,” I tell him, placing his hand over my racing heart.
Jaxson gets choked up, and I tease him as we walk the 704 steps down the Eiffel Tower.
“Paris suits you,” I tell him. “I like sentimental Jaxson.”
He smirks but doesn’t say anything. He still looks like he might cry.
We go back to the hotel to shower and change for dinner. We haven’t dressed up the whole trip, and I’m a little surprised to see Jaxson in a suit when I step out of the bathroom in only my underwear but full hair and makeup done.
“Oh, look at you,” I say, grinning. “Do we really need to go anywhere? Let’s just stay here and look at you in your suit.”
“Had I known that’s all it took to make you happy…” He laughs.
I pull a short red cocktail dress out of my suitcase and wave it in front of him. His mouth drops like I knew it would.
“I did bring a little something you might like. We’ll see.” I shrug.
“Here, let me just take this from you for a moment,” he says, taking the dress and carefully draping it across a chair. “Bend over,” he says, giving my back a little nudge and then dipping his fingers inside me. “I’ll see if I can ruin you without letting a hair go out of place.” He pulls a curl. “Although I do love it messy.”
“You better not,” I threaten, but I don’t mean it. I don’t care what he does, I just want him to keep on doing it.
AFTER A DELICIOUS MEAL at La Fontaine de Mars, the sun is just beginning to fade and as we walk near the Eiffel Tower, the sky turns the most beautiful ombre, starting with blue at the top and fading into shades of pink. I turn in a circle, admiring the colorful sky juxtaposed with the Tower. When I turn back around to face Jaxson, he’s down on one knee, holding a box.
“I want to make your heart pound out of your chest for the rest of your life,” he says, looking up at me, eyes glistening with the light of the Tower and unshed tears. “You are my forever. You always will be. I knew it as a kid, and I know it more than ever as a man. Will you marry me, Bells?”
He opens the box and I gasp, tears rushing to my eyes.
“You’re really doing this?” I whisper.
He nods, grinning up at me. “I want to wake up and fall asleep next to you…and do nothing and everything with you for the rest of my life. How would you feel about that?”
I get down on my knees in front of him, whispering, “Yes, yes…yes. You are everything I will always want.” I kiss him and can’t tell whose tears I feel the most, but I put his hand on my palpitating heart and nod. “Yes.”
He slides the ring on my finger and it’s then that I look at it for the first time.
“I thought it looked like royalty. Like you,” he says.
I stand up, unable to sit still any longer, and he follows, looking concerned.
“We can get something else if it’s not you,” he says.
I sniffle and then lean my head over on his chest and bawl. “I’m just so happy!” I cry.
He laughs. “Me too. Bells? Don’t be mad, but look up and say, ‘I love Jaxson.’”
I lift my head and a cameraman is clicking away, his long lens out even though he’s very close to us.
“Has he been here the whole time?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Jaxson says, biting his lip. “I knew our mums would never forgive me if I didn’t make sure it was captured on camera.”
I start laughing and can’t stop. We get up and run, stopping to kiss and smile for the camera. It’s easy to forget he’s there; we’re too caught up in the moment to mind an audience.
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING, the wine is flowing and we’re eating a delicious meal at The Marine Room. Overlooking the water is a glorious sunset and my stomach hasn’t stopped buzzing all week. I can’t believe I’m marrying Jaxson. It still feels surreal.
Our parents are having a little too much fun sharing stories about us. Anne leans in and looks at my mum, who seems to know what Anne is thinking because she cackles.
“I do miss the footage of Jaxson sneaking into her room every night though,” Anne says, and our mums wheeze they laugh so hard.
I clutch Jaxson’s hand. “No. What footage?”
“You really thought we didn’t know?” Mum says. “Remember the year that awful thing happened with the spray paint…Charles put cameras in?”
Charles and Dave both grin like we’re the only ones out of the loop.
“You all watched?” I put my head in my hands, my face crimson. “How could I forget?”
“I only heard about it,” Dave says, like that makes everything better. “Good stuff.”
“The times Jaxson ran out still pulling up his pants when he heard me coming,” Mum says and they start another fit of laughter. “I had the timing down to a science.” She wipes her eyes. “Oh lord. We had such fun with that. It made for the best weekly viewing,” she barely gets out.
“Oh, you guys are just…too…much,” I say with a straight face, but it’s all over when I look at Jaxson.
“I told you they knew,” he says, as his laugh bursts out. “And speaking of the cameras, did you ever find out who did the spray paint?”
“Ugh. I always knew who did that, but it’s ancient history…and not going to be part of this night,” I tell him, kissing his cheek.
“Tomorrow night will be even better when you’re my wife,” he says, kissing the top of my hand.
Our mums sigh and he shakes his head, smiling. “They’re going to be psychotic if we ever have kids.”
I laugh and dig into my cheesecake.
WE GET MARRIED on the beach behind Jaxson’s house. Our mums haven’t stopped smiling since we came home. When we told them we were engaged, they wailed and laughed and then got straight to planning the wedding. We’ve had to keep pulling the reins along the way, but once they realized we really wanted something intimate, they dove into that plan wholeheartedly. The only people watching us say “I do” are our parents, stepdads, Gemma, Nana, Maddie, Liesl, and the guys from the band. Winston is also right there, sitting at my feet and looking remarkably calm.
As I say my vows, I get choked up midway through. “I vow to love you even when you’re not so fun…which seems impossible because you make even the most mundane thing in the world seem exciting and brand new. Even nearly crashing in a plane…not that I want to try that again, but everything with you is an experience. I’m ready to try the dolphins again. I’m ready to try all of it with you…maybe not peanut butter but everything else. Specifically number eleven…”
Jaxson chuckles and just as quickly sobers, seeing the serious expression on my face. Mum had our list printed on cute cardstock for bookmarks as a wedding favor, so everyone else will eventually know what I mean if they don’t already
.
“Wait a minute. Are you saying—?” he asks.
I nod and his head falls back when he laughs. He dips me back and kisses me hard while everyone applauds.
The minister clears his throat and Jaxson reluctantly sets me upright again so we can be pronounced as husband and wife.
We’ve always excelled at doing things out of order.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I started 5,331 Miles back in 2015 and posted the first four chapters on Wattpad…then moved on to other books. I eventually continued writing for my newsletter and I’m so glad I did. Your input was so fun! Thanks to all of you who asked me to go back to this book. I should’ve done it sooner because I had so much fun writing it!
Thank you, Christine Estevez, who has hashed EVERYTHING out with me more hours than I can count. This story is better, thanks to you! I’m better, thanks to you. Thank you for the edits, for the shoulder to lean on…I’m so grateful for you.
Thank you, Erica Russikoff, for your eye in looking over this book! I love hearing your thoughts and value every chance I get to work with you.
Thank you, Darla Williams, for your exceptional beta skills. The timeline would’ve been a mess without you. I thought of you every time I typed “Dear D”…
Which leads me to The Vault—thanks, Darla and Priscilla Perez, for being the Vault where I can just be ME. I love y’all. We know.
Thank you, Blade, for my beautiful cover. You’re my favorite.
Thank you, Christine Bowden, for being my always encourager. You make me cry on the regular with your incredible love and kindness. I can’t believe we live a world apart and I still feel like you’re right here with me always. I love you so.
Thank you to my beloveds: Tosha Khoury, Ashleigh Still, and Courtney Nuness… TAWC. You are my rocks and I’m so glad we’re in each other’s lives. There’s more love than I can say.
Thank you, Staci Frenes. I wish we lived close enough to go to lunch AT LEAST once a week. Love you so much.