by Willow Aster
I didn’t know you meant forever
We spent a lifetime chasing firefly dreams
Now it seems you have forgotten
BLUE-EYED SHADOW
Black-haired beauty
Remember me
Come home
LIESL CLUTCHES MY ARM MID-CHORUS. “This song is about you, isn’t it?”
“Mm-hmm,” Maddie answers. “It sure is. And he is screwing you so hard in his mind right now,” she adds.
“Maddie!” I smack her arm and look around to make sure Gemma or Anne aren’t close enough to hear. Fortunately, they’re both across the room.
“Well, he is.” She laughs. “I think you should make it a reality tonight.” Her eyes widen and she flutters her eyelashes, while I groan. “Give him something to remember you by,” she says, her face falling. “There’s time, right?” She puts her head on my shoulder. “Are you sure about this?” she asks.
“I’m sure,” I tell her. I am. I think I am. I hope I am.
I STAY FOR ANOTHER HOUR, dancing until my feet hurt. Right before I go, during one of Jaxson’s epic guitar solos, I go up to the stage and yell, “This is what you need to be doing for the rest of your life, Jaxson Marshall!”
He looks surprised and then happier than I’ve ever seen him. The light radiates off of his face as he sings his heart out.
I back away, content.
I find Dave and Mum and hug them both at the same time.
“We’ll call you when we get to Hawaii. And you call us too, okay? We need to know you’re safe,” Mum says.
“I will. I’ll be safe,” I tell her. “Have the best time. Take tons of pictures.”
Dave kisses my cheek and steps back. “Love you, Mira. Thank you for making this such a special day for us.”
“You are worth it,” I say, grasping his hand.
Mum hugs me tighter then, her eyes filling. “I love you, Mira. I just want you to be okay. You’ll let me know, right?”
“I love you, and I’ll be okay. I promise.”
She nods and Dave hands her his handkerchief. She dabs her eyes and takes a shaky breath.
I look at Jaxson one more time and walk out into the crisp December air. An Uber is waiting for me.
“The airport, huh?” the driver says. “Where you headed?”
“Home.”
36
PAST
2015
Sometimes it doesn’t change a thing to be right.
WHEN I GOT HOME EARLIER than expected, I wasn’t surprised to find an empty house. Mum and Anne were probably hanging out, drinking wine, and lamenting over the fact that their kids couldn’t seem to get it together. Wherever she was, it was a relief that she didn’t have to see me in that state; my ruined dress and equally ruined heart would devastate her.
I put my dress in a garbage bag and got in the shower, crying as I scrubbed the red food dye off of my skin. What Heather had done was inexcusable, but I couldn’t say it surprised me that she was capable of that…or that Derek had lied to Jaxson—they’d been doing that for years, why did I think they’d come clean now? But Jaxson…his distrust and the way he’d believed them over me…I didn’t know if I’d ever get over that, not to mention the fact that he didn’t jump to my defense when she ruined my dress and embarrassed me in front of everyone. It felt like middle school all over again, only much worse since I’d shared my heart and my body with him.
I crawled into bed before midnight, unable to get Jaxson’s look of rage out of my mind, and cried myself to sleep. I was in the middle of a dream when the window opening startled me and I sat up, turning on the light. The clock said 2:14 a.m. and Jaxson was crawling in my window.
He stumbled into the room, bumping into my lamp and righting it with exaggerated slowness that I’d only seen on drunk people. I’d never seen him drunk though. One word out of his mouth and I knew he was.
“Spill,” he said, flinging his arm out.
“What?”
“Spill! What made you feel like you had to lie to me about Heather and Derek? Haven’t I—”
I got up on my knees and held my hand out. “Stop right there. You can’t honestly believe I’m lying…why do you think she tried to keep me from talking? They’ve both been lying to you for years. I’d hoped it ended a long time ago, but tonight confirmed that I was wrong.”
He stepped closer and my hand dropped to my side. “She was wrong to humiliate you like that. I told her so.”
I rolled my eyes. “Too little, too late.”
He nodded like he agreed and sat down on the bed, tossing his phone next to us as he took my hand. “I don’t want to fight with you. Derek and Heather—they’re my friends—but you’re the one I love,” he slurred. “More than anything.” He lowered his head and shook it and when he looked at me again, my heart fell.
“Jaxson, what—?”
“I’m just sorry. That’s all,” he said. “None of this would’ve happened if we’d gone together tonight, the way we were supposed to.”
His phone beeped and I looked down.
Heather’s face and boobs popped up on the screen, and if that wasn’t enough, the text she left…
Still coming over tonight?
I saw red.
I held the phone up to him and his face lost all color. His eyes were despondent when he finally looked at me. Ashamed.
“What did you do?” I asked, my voice as dead as I felt inside.
He put his hand on my cheek and I shook it off.
“I came over here instead,” he said.
“But you almost went to her.”
“I almost went to her,” he repeated after me, nodding. He stood up and paced in front of my bed. “You kissed Derek tonight. I’ve been so pissed at you!” he yelled.
“Keep your voice down!” I hissed. “For the last time, I did not kiss Derek. He tried to kiss me and I stopped him. When have I ever lied to you? I am not the one in the wrong here! And if you thinking I kissed him could make you turn around and think about sleeping with Heather so soon, we’re nothing.”
“That’s not true. We are not nothing.” His words were still slurring and it made him sound ridiculous.
“Get out,” I told him. “And don’t come back. Go be with Heather. I’m tired of watching you walk away from me.”
“I don’t want her-Heather,” he stuttered. “I wa—”
“Get out,” I whispered, which seemed to shout louder than a tantrum.
He heard me and deflated. “We’ll talk in the morning. I love you, Mira.”
I shook my head. “I won’t want to talk in the morning either.”
“This whole night was just a big misunderstanding,” he said, going to my window. “You’ll see.”
I BEGAN LOCKING MY WINDOW.
My mum was furious when she found out what had happened and gave Jaxson a piece of her mind when he came over, begging to talk to me. She wanted to demand that Heather pay for my dress, but I told her how awful her stepdad was and that I didn’t want to cause trouble for her, in spite of how she’d treated me.
“That girl is good,” Mum said. “She can act like the devil and everyone still walks on eggshells around her! I’m not even sure I believe she’s got it so bad at home. There have been so many lies that point back to her lying tongue.”
I remembered how her stepdad had made my skin crawl and wasn’t so sure, but I knew she had wrecked my life one too many times and I wasn’t going to watch her do it again.
I ended up not going to my own prom, the tradition forever ruined for me. Jaxson came over that night and I leaned out of the window instead of ignoring him.
“Please let me come up,” he said.
“Do you still believe I’m lying about Derek and Heather?” I asked.
“They swear up and down they’ve never slept together.” He gave the trunk of the tree a slight kick. “I’ve asked around. No one has seen them together but you. If I say I believe you, will you let me come up and let us fix this?”
He looked up and put his hands together, like he was pleading.
“No, don’t bother,” I told him, shutting my window.
I WAS TEMPTED to go see him the night before he left for Boston. Mum even tried to make me go to the get-together Anne and Charles were throwing for him.
“He feels really bad about the way everything ended,” Mum said. “I don’t think he’ll be home until winter break…”
“I just can’t, Mum. It’s too painful. And if I have to see Heather gloating around him, I’ll die.”
“Anne mentioned she hasn’t seen her or Derek much lately at all…specifically Heather.”
“You go. Tell him I wish him a very successful first year of college. He can go sleep with all the girls and get me all the way out of his system…”
“Mirabelle!” she said, horrified.
I shrugged. “This is why I can’t go. I’ll be hateful and ruin the night.”
She put her arm around me. “I’m so sorry, honey. I can stay home with you.”
“No, go. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed early.”
“If you’re sure. There are leftovers in the fridge. Eat something. You’re getting too thin.”
I DIDN’T HEAR from Jaxson once he left for college…maybe he was mad that I hadn’t come to his party, or maybe he’d finally given up. I was actually glad I didn’t have to constantly wonder if I was going to run into him at the beach or the grocery store…or crawling in through my window. But then late on Halloween night, he called.
I don’t know why I picked up—chalk it up to a lonely week with too much homework and nowhere I wanted to be on Halloween. I was already in bed and it wasn’t even midnight.
I said hello and then waited.
There was a long pause and he finally said, “Mira? Is this really you?”
It sounded like he was in a crowded room, maybe a party. I heard people yelling in the background and the sickening sound of girls laughing nearby. I clutched my stomach, feeling a sharp pain, and I pulled the blankets up to my chin.
“Yeah. It’s me.”
“I’m drunk,” he said. He laughed and I didn’t know if the people in the background were laughing at him or something else.
“I hope you’re being smart,” I said. “And safe. You are, right?”
“I never drink and drive and I’m practicing safe sex, yes, thank you for reminding me, Mirabelle.” He laughed again.
The tears were instant. “Okay, good to know. Bye, Jaxson.”
“Wait, Bells, I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that…”
But I hung up before he could drive the knife in further.
IT WAS on a Saturday in December…Mum and I were Christmas shopping. She had been seeing this guy, Dave, for a few weeks and already liked him so much. I’d met him and had to admit, he seemed pretty great. She didn’t know whether she should buy him a present or if it was too soon.
“What if you get him something and if he gives you something, you’ll have it ready just in case?” I suggest.
“What if he gets me something fabulous like jewelry and I’ve bought him a mug?”
We giggled over that and weren’t paying attention when we went down the wrong aisle and ended up in the baby section of Nordstrom.
“Well, I hope you’re not trying to tell me something,” I said and we laughed harder.
The girl in front of us turned around to see who was making all the commotion and Mum and I stopped in our tracks.
It was Heather, hair dirty and not dyed platinum blond like it had been all through high school. But what stood out the most was that she was hugely pregnant.
She stared at me and then waddled away as fast as she could.
Mum clutched my arm and looked at me. I shook and her hands steadied me.
“Do you think—?” I whispered.
“No, no. Can’t be his.” She shook her head, but I could see the concern in her eyes. “She would’ve been flinging it in your face before now if that were the case.”
A few torturous days after that, I knew Jaxson was in town when I got home from work and there was a note from him on the front door.
I’m so sorry. You were right. And I’ve been the worst kind of asshole.
Anne told Mum later that Derek had finally admitted Heather was having his baby and that he’d been sleeping with Heather off and on since they were fifteen.
“But she always wanted Jaxson,” Mum said. “Derek told Jaxson he thought she’d wanted to sleep with Jaxson once more at prom to make him think it was his. Sounds like Derek is finally done with her too, but he’s going to make sure he’s a good dad.”
I tried to work up the energy to care, but it was too late to even feel justified. I knew Jaxson must be hurt and that was unfortunate, but I didn’t feel the need to go tell him I forgave him when I didn’t know if I ever could, and he didn’t feel the need to try to talk to me the rest of the time he was home.
I heard from him every birthday, either a text or a voice mail, but other than that, he was silent. It’s hard to believe, but it was years before I saw him again.
37
PRESENT
SEPT 2020
I’m touching up on my British ways. It’s like putting on a familiar sweater and putting my hands in the pockets to find a favorite smooth stone from the beach.
It’s part of me.
LIFE IN HOLMES CHAPEL is quieter than I remembered, but I love it. I feel grounded in a way I haven’t since living here as a girl. I miss California…with everything in me. It still feels like home too, but I needed to step away and figure out who I really want to be.
I completed my year at the university nearby and it feels great to be done. I used my dad’s address to qualify for home student fees. Things with my dad haven’t changed overnight and still aren’t perfect, but he was happy to pretend I lived with him…only wishing I would make it legit. He’s different now. Humbled. Kinder. I’ve been getting to know him again, and day by day, I feel the bitterness slowly leaving my system. But no, I won’t be moving into his house. That would be taking it too far. I’m enjoying my freedom too much.
I work at a small salon in town and for the last three months I’ve been doing makeup for weddings. I miss having Liesl with me at every wedding, but it’s been good practice to do it on my own.
Winston and I live in a cute little first-floor, one-bedroom corner flat. It’s nothing fancy, and I don’t have much to fill it up, but I like the simplicity of only having the bare necessities. What I’m lacking in furniture, I’m making up for with plants. My first month after moving here, I was homesick and depressed over how dreary everything was in the winter, so I bought a plant, and it turns out I have a way with them. When Mum and Dave came to visit me in the spring, they were shocked and maybe somewhat worried. We FaceTime every other day and I think Mum is finally relaxing over the fact that her baby is across the globe.
I haven’t heard from Jaxson. At all.
The guilt eats away at me some days—that I left without saying goodbye, that I didn’t try to give us a fair chance—but most of the time, I attempt to put him out of my mind and just be. I didn’t know how much healing I needed to do until I had this time of quiet, but also time with my dad…it’s been eye-opening. A conversation during a lunch date with Dad a few days ago sort of knocked me over the head, and I’m beginning to realize why it’s been so important for me to be here.
“I talked to your mum the other day,” he said.
“I didn’t know you and Mum talk,” I looked at him, shocked.
“Since you’ve been here, we have,” he said. “And, uh, she wanted to know if I thought you were still running from your feelings for Jaxson. I told her you haven’t said a word about that boy. I didn’t know he was still in the picture.”
“I don’t want to talk about him with you, Dad.”
“Well, why not?” he demanded, his bushy eyebrows distracting me.
“I’m sure you’ll make me feel ridiculous for bei
ng upset over the things he’s done…and well, maybe I left before he could leave me. I’m always the one who gets left, you know? You left. Jaxson left. Tyra left. Jaxson left again. I don’t think my heart is up to being abandoned another time.”
Dad ran a hand over his beard and looked distraught. “Mirabelle…I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you and your mum. The hurt I’ve caused by not being a part of your life…I don’t deserve your love, I really don’t. But Jaxson…well, I don’t know what he’s done to you, but your mum seems to believe he’s a good person and that he’s in love with you.” He stopped and let that sink in, and when he seemed assured I’d heard him, he continued. “Don’t put my sins on his head. If that’s what you’ve been doing, you’re hurting yourself and him too…and you’re missing out on something lasting.”
I’ve been thinking about it for days. Shocked that it took my dad to help me see the truth. Wondering if I’ve been a fool.
I’m pretty sure I have been.
TWO WEEKS PASS and I feel like I’m coming down with something. I feel sluggish, no energy whatsoever. I can’t pinpoint any certain thing that feels terrible necessarily; I just don’t feel right. Dad keeps checking on me and says I have a case of the mopes.
“Or maybe it’s lovesickness?” He wiggles his eyebrows, but to my utter humiliation, I burst into tears.
He tries to get me to talk, but I can’t. It’s like the distance between Jaxson and me has suddenly caught up with my heart and my brain isn’t overriding it anymore. I miss him with a desolation and longing that feels like a starvation that is never fed. My entire body hurts with the missing.
Once Saturday hits, I shower and then get back into my pajamas, letting my hair air dry while Winston and I play fetch. Winston goes flying after the ball, picks it up with his teeth, and then drops it, growling at the door.
“What is it, boy? I didn’t hear anything…”
He runs to the sound, still growling, so I stumble over him to get to the peephole and open the door to show him that no one is there. But he sniffs something and when I lean down, I see a CD in a slim, clear case with no writing on it.