by Bonnie Dee
I caught a breath before walking into the stench of disinfectant and urine that seemed to permeate even the best of nursing homes. I’d been to visit my grandma when I was a girl, so I could envision what this place looked like. J.D. didn’t grip my hand any tighter, but I still felt the tension in his body as he walked beside me and his reluctance as we entered his father’s room.
“It’s all right,” I murmured as I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. But it wasn’t really. How could it be when he was about to face his dying dad?
*
J.D.
I didn’t realize it would be so hard when I entered the room and saw the frail man on the bed. During my tour in Afghanistan, I’d witnessed many horrors, people torn apart by bombs, a friend bleeding out beside me, destruction that would haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. I’d been imprisoned, tortured, and left in the dark wondering if I’d ever be free again. After that, how hard could it be to face one old guy lying peacefully in a hospital bed, especially since I felt little connection to him?
As it turned out, the answer was very. I stopped in the doorway, staring at the paper-white face, the slack mouth, the barest movement of the chest beneath the covers as his breath rattled in and out, and I wanted to turn right back around and go.
“Goddamn.” Micah sounded as horrified as I felt.
“This is normal,” Gina whispered. “It’s what the end looks like.”
Shit. He could die right now, I realized, or maybe on Jonah’s wedding day. Maybe they should’ve postponed until after he was gone. But then, why should they? Dad could still linger for weeks, and it wasn’t as if we owed it to him to gather lovingly around his deathbed. Besides, as far as I could tell, there wasn’t anyone home in there any longer to even know we were there.
For a few moments, we all stood silently.
“You can talk to him,” Gina prompted. “They say hearing is the last thing to go. The sound of your voice might be comforting.”
That was my or Micah’s cue to move even closer to the bed, maybe take his hand and say something heartfelt. I remained frozen by the doorway, but Micah approached Dad and gave him a halfhearted pat on the shoulder.
“Hey. This is Micah. Hope you’re feeling better than you look.” He defaulted to typical Micah humor, then paused. “I mean, I hope you’re resting comfortably. It’s been years since we spent any time around each other. I never thought of you as much more than the shitheel who left us to fend for ourselves, but…you are our father so…” He cleared his throat. “I guess I just want to say I forgive you and, uh, good luck wherever you go next.”
He gave Dad’s shoulder a final pat, then shuffled backward. He glanced at me. My turn. I didn’t have to offer forgiveness, but it seemed I had to say something. It took every bit of courage I possessed and Leah’s presence by my side to get me to move close and take my father’s cold hand in mine. Now what?
I’d go through the motions, do the expected thing. I didn’t have to actually feel anything about this. I pressed that bird claw gently and said, “It’s J.D. Your youngest son, remember? I never really knew you. Since Micah burned all the family photos, I didn’t have anything to let me know what you looked like. I feel like I met you for the first time a few months ago.” And I wasn’t impressed by the selfish son of a bitch.
The slack face, all bones and skin, could’ve been any old man, any human being burned down to the essence of existence. But I saw glimpses of all of us in him: Micah’s wide mouth, Jonah’s frown, my nose. This man had made us. Like it or not, he was part of us. Sorrow swept through me for the wasted years and for the father I’d never known. My body nearly shook under the sudden onslaught of emotion.
“I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to talk,” I finally said. “I should’ve come down to see you before you got this bad. I didn’t think it mattered or that you’d even care. Now I realize I do. I wish I’d taken the time. So… I guess this is good-bye.”
I gave his hand another squeeze, and then I stepped back too.
We all stood staring silently for a few more moments. It felt wrong to leave the man all alone, but there wasn’t anything we could do for him. Besides, Jonah and Rianna were expecting us back at the house.
An aide entered the room and smiled. “It’s time for me to wash and change Mr. Wyatt. If you want me to wait a few minutes, I can. Or you can step out and come back after.”
“Actually, I think we’re done here.” Micah shot me a look, eyebrows raised.
I nodded slowly. “Unless you think it will happen any minute now.”
“I’m not medical personnel. It’s not my place to say.” The aide hesitated. “But I’ve worked here long enough to know this can go on much longer than you’d expect.” She looked from me to Micah. “There’s nothing wrong with leaving him alone to finish this last part of his journey. You shouldn’t feel guilty. In fact, sometimes the dying seem to let go only after their loved ones have given them some space.”
Her words made me feel a little better, though I still ached at the terrible waste my dad had made of his life. As a kid, I used to watch TV families and imagine myself into them. I’d invented entire stories of how my family might have been if mom hadn’t died and dad hadn’t left. Growing older, I’d stopped using those fantasies to help me cope and allowed cold reality to set in.
Now one of my old favorites in which our family gathered for Thanksgiving dinner flashed through my mind. It had never happened that way and never would, but it was a comfort right then.
As I walked down the corridor toward the sweet freedom of the outdoors, I glanced at Leah beside me. I was going to marry this girl, maybe not soon, but definitely someday. And our future would include the very best parts of those childhood fantasies; people who loved each other and a family sitting around a table, laughing and talking.
I clasped her hand and decided before this weekend was over I’d offer her the ring from my pocket with all the promises it implied.
Chapter Four
Gina
After the intense time at the nursing home, it was a relief to get back to Jonah’s house and relax. Rianna and Jonah seemed to have worked through whatever issue we’d walked into earlier that day. We had drinks and caught up on what everyone was doing, from Jonah’s new distillery and Rianna’s dance studio to the boys’ plan to open a second bar and Leah’s and my jobs.
A while later, we sat down to a delicious meal of homemade calzone, the six of us and Travis gathered around a really large dining room table that I fell in love with. The distressed wooden planks and old-fashioned chairs told me it was a real antique and not some modern-day knockoff.
“This is really different from my mom’s recipe but just as good.” I complimented Rianna, sitting across from me, on her cooking. “Do I taste rosemary?”
She looked up from cutting Travis’s calzone into small bites and smiled. “A little. Do you cook?”
“No, I eat. But I’m Italian, more or less, so calzone was something we had a lot of growing up. Yours is great.”
“Thanks.”
Micah protested, “Gina’s a liar. She cooks. She makes great waffles and eggs.”
“Toaster waffles, and anyone can flip an egg, but thanks.” I stroked my stocking foot over his underneath the table and slid my toe up his ankle.
Micah placed a hand in his lap, then casually transferred it to my thigh to give a light squeeze that set my pussy throbbing.
“Not everyone.” Micah laughed. “Remember the first time J.D. made us all eggs for breakfast? There were shells in every bite.”
“Hey, I was a kid. I got better.” J.D. flicked a pea off his spoon at Micah and hit him in the arm.
Never one to hold back from a challenge, Micah returned fire.
“Stop horsing around.” Jonah nodded toward Travis, who watched the interaction with bright-eyed interest. “Set an example.”
There were the Wyatt brothers in a nutshell. I imagined them horsing around as boys and Jonah tryin
g to keep order.
“Remember those hash brownies you used to make? And the time we donated some to the church bake sale?” J.D. asked.
“There was this lady trying to cause trouble for us,” Micah explained. “She thought the state should put us in foster care. Nobody else nosed into our business like she did.”
“Micah said we should do something to get her in trouble so she’d quit messing with us.” J.D. leaned back, one arm resting on the back of Leah’s chair. His eyes sparkled, and he smiled easily, so different from the sad-eyed, haunted veteran I’d first met in Leah’s apartment building. “He got the bright idea to bake some of his special brownies and slip them into the bazaar bake sale with Mrs. Riley’s name attached.”
Micah’s devilish grin was even wider than his brother’s. As always, it made me want to smack him and kiss him at the same time. “I was seeing some girl who went to that same church. She and I distracted the ladies while J.D. slipped the plate onto the table.”
“Who bought it? Did they figure out the brownies had pot in them?” Leah’s eyes went wide.
Now even Jonah was smiling, and the other brothers began to laugh so hard Micah could hardly finish the story. “The minister’s wife! If she and her husband knew there was something up with the brownies, they never said a word about it.”
I snorted and tried to suppress my donkey laugh.
Under the table, Micah gave my leg another squeeze, and he leaned close to whisper, “Don’t hold back. I love your laugh.”
And I loved him for not teasing me about it unmercifully as my brothers used to.
One “remember when” story led to another, which was a great way for all of us girlfriends to learn more about the brothers. But after a while, Travis grew restless from all the grown-up talk, and even I was ready to move on to something new. Now would be a great time for Leah and me to hang out with Rianna.
“Rianna, why don’t you show Leah and me your dress,” I suggested.
“And tell us anything we can do to help you get ready,” Leah added. “Any final details for the reception we can take care of? We’d be glad to help.”
We left the guys to continue their reminiscing and followed Rianna to her room. Travis pattered along beside me, holding my hand and telling me important things about his small life. I listened with serious attention and agreed that Ice Giants was a much better cartoon than Pixies of the Forest—I’d seen neither.
“Why don’t you help the guys clear the table?” Rianna suggested to Travis. “Give us ladies a little time alone.”
The boy was perfectly happy to run back down to the dining room for some male bonding time. We entered a beautiful master bedroom with a gorgeous four-poster draped in white netting that dominated the room. All the furniture pieces were mismatched antiques that somehow meshed perfectly. Like the rest of the house, the room was warm and welcoming…homey.
I plunked down on the bed and waited for the fashion show. When Rianna came out from the walk-in closet with the dress on a hanger, I protested. “We want to see it on you.”
“I know I do,” Leah chimed in from where she sat cross-legged beside me, “So let me feel the fabric instead.”
When Rianna returned, dressed in the shimmering dress, I described it for Leah as she stroked the smooth material.
“No flounces or ruffles or lace, just a beautiful sheath of silk that pools around her at the bottom. It fits her body like a second skin and practically glows when it catches the light. Gorgeous! How will you wear your hair?” I asked.
“Up?” Rianna gathered her hair into a twist. “But now I’m starting to think down. I don’t know. What do you think?”
I considered the fine brown hair that framed her face. “Up,” I answered at the same time Leah said, “Down.”
I elbowed my friend. “You can’t even see. How would you know?”
“I can picture it. It should tumble in waves. Maybe with some jewels scattered through it. An updo is too severe, especially with a dress that’s a spare, straight line. I think tousled bed head would look great.”
“Good point,” I agreed. “What are your bridesmaids wearing?”
“I only have one. My friend Cyndi. She chose a daffodil-yellow dress for spring. I didn’t have any particular color scheme in mind so I kind of built the floral design around that. Honestly, I never thought I’d have a wedding. I’m so thrilled to be marrying Jonah, I’d happily dress in a burlap sack.”
Rianna struggled with her side zipper and finally asked me for help. She lifted an arm, and I separated the zipper from the fabric that had gotten caught in it.
“Not quite as easy as Velcro,” Rianna joked. Her gaze met mine, and she exhaled a little breath. “You guys know I used to strip. I just thought I’d put it out there if you have any questions or anything to say about it.”
“No questions from me,” I assured her. “It was work.”
Leah nodded. “If you hadn’t worked there, you might not have met Jonah. I’m a big believer in everything happening for a reason. Even bad things sometimes lead to good ones, not that I think your stripping was bad. I’m talking about my accident. If I hadn’t gone blind, how would I have come in contact with J.D.?”
“Well, you did meet him at a bar before he moved in across the hall,” I pointed out. “My philosophy is that things lead to other things, but the roads not taken aren’t necessarily wrong ones either. Life’s one big learning curve.”
“That’s for sure.” Rianna dropped the dress from her body and stepped out of the swath of fabric. “I look back at the mistakes I’ve made along the way, and how can I regret any of them? I wouldn’t have Travis now if I’d been smart and made the ‘right’ choices.”
“He’s adorable.” Leah rested her elbows on her knees and propped her chin on her folded hands. “Makes me wonder what it would be like to raise a son.”
“Exhausting.” Rianna laughed as she gathered up the dress and placed it on the hanger. “And fun. He keeps me guessing about what he’s going to do next.”
I helped Rianna arrange the dress back inside the plastic zipper bag. “Hell, I don’t need a kid, I have Micah for that.”
Micah would always have that playful streak that I absolutely loved, but sometimes I wondered if he’d grow bored with our stable relationship and want something shiny and new. The thing was I was getting closer and closer to being ready for an “ever after” type of relationship, and I wasn’t sure Micah could commit to that. Would there be a wedding dress in my future or would I settle for as much of Micah as he was capable of offering me?
“So, you have some confetti bags you need us to fill, or candies for the tables?” I asked. “We’re yours to command for the evening.”
*
Micah
The day before the wedding, Jonah and Rianna had some big errand they needed to run, and J.D. and Leah volunteered to look after Travis for them. I had a task of my own I wanted to take care of. After breakfast, I asked Gina if she’d go on a drive with me to my hometown of Sawville a couple of hours south.
“Sure, I’d love to see where you came from. Does that old guy still own the local store? I’d like to meet him.”
“Naw. Mr. McGrew sold and retired a long time before I left the area. Then a chain store came in, and the local grocery closed down.”
I pictured McGrew as clear as if it were yesterday in one of his two-tone shirts or sometimes a snazzy vest but almost always with a fedora cocked just so over his forehead. I’d admired the hell out of his look and still styled my wardrobe that way.
“Surprises me,” Gina said as she slid into the car beside me. “I wouldn’t think you’d want to walk down memory lane.”
“After seeing Dad yesterday… Well, it stirred up some memories. There are a few places I’d like to see.” More like demons to put to rest.
The day was balmy. I put the top down at our first rest stop, and we cruised the rest of the way to Sawville with the wind in our hair.
Downtow
n was dumpier, dirtier, and smaller than I remembered. When I’d come here last winter to deal with getting my dad moved into a nursing home, I hadn’t spent any time really looking around town. Now I saw how many businesses had closed and that no one had painted or roofed the buildings in a very long time. But, because it remained unchanged, memories wheeled freely through my mind.
There was the alley where I’d made out with Wendy Wilson and felt my first boob. There was the bar where I’d been in my first brawl, closed now, but the dead neon sign still hung in the window. I’d had my first beer at that bar too, sitting proudly by my daddy’s side, legs too short for my feet to reach the rest on the stool.
We passed McGrew’s store where I used to shoplift, and the pharmacy next door that once had an old-time soda fountain inside. Kids used to walk from the school to get a burger there at lunch. I’d shaken down a number of those kids for their lunch money.
Good memories and bad ones tumbled past, and I saw what a badass punk I’d been growing up. I’d graduated to a different kind of bad as an adult. It was a wonder Gina had bothered to dig through the layers of crud to unearth a better version of me. And I was better now. Even I could see that. More importantly, I felt it.
I stopped at a corner and turned to look at Gina.
She gazed back with those unflinching, all-knowing brown eyes. “What?”
“I love you. Thanks for coming with me.”
“Well, of course. What else would I do? Stay back at the house with the others? Of course I want to be here with you.”
I drummed my fingers on the wheel. “I guess I mean…thanks for coming down here for the wedding, and more than that. Thanks for taking a chance on me.”
She reached out, and I took her hand. “You say things like that as if I’m some sort of saint and you’re not worthy. But, baby, it’s not like that. You’re a good man. You are. You have to believe that.”
“With you I am,” I answered honestly.
I drove past the old high school I used to attend and then wound up the hill, past the trailer park, and down a dirt road to where we used to live before Jonah bought us a decent house in town.